Bodie

The whiskey in my hand was cold, but it went down warm as I walked around the party the following night, trying to have a good time and failing miserably.

Jude had the idea to throw a party to celebrate our dreams coming true, and maybe if I’d lived in New York for more than a month, I would have been having a better time. Maybe if I knew anyone in New York besides Jude, Phil, and Penny, I’d have someone to talk to. But Jude was busy working the crowd, Phil was busy with Angie, and Penny was, of course, not there.

I paced through the people scattered all over the roof of our building, a common space strung with lights and dotted with islands of chairs. Everyone seemed to be having a good time — we’d even sprung for a DJ who spun actual records and a bartender who we’d tipped extra to get everybody tanked.

I walked to the edge of the patio, looking toward Central Park, the strip of darkness cradled in the light of the city with Penny on my mind, as she always was.

Jude and I had come home from Rockaway the day before with almost complete silence between us. Well, Jude had talked a lot, and I’d listened and responded when I was supposed to. But the whole way, I had thought about what he’d said, and when I had been alone in my room, I’d held my phone in my hand for a long time, thinking about calling her.

Because he was right; she deserved the chance to tell me what she wanted, and I needed to know. I just didn’t know if I was really ready to hear it if it wasn’t what I wanted to hear.

And that was the real truth of it. It was easier to leave that door open and wonder than to hear that she didn’t want me like I wanted her.

But Penny had bolted after all, and I couldn’t make her stay. In the end, she’d bucked me off and left me stranded.

She was wild, and I should have known better than to try to hold on to her.

Of course, the other thing about loving something wild was how it changed you. And I’d found myself changed for the better — having held her for a moment — and for the worse — the wounds from my grip on her still fresh and tender.

A deep sigh did little to vent the pressure in my chest, and I turned to head inside, exhausted beyond measure.

Jude was striding toward me looking suspiciously subversive, and my eyes narrowed. He’d been barring me from going downstairs all night.

I held up a hand. “I’m going down. Don’t try to stop me.”

He smiled. “It’s cool. I won’t. You’ve fulfilled your obligations tonight, so go ahead and mope all by yourself while we party until dawn.”

I shook my head and rolled my eyes. “That trick doesn’t work on me.”

Jude shrugged. “Had to try.”

He clapped me on the shoulder, and I headed for the stairs, lost in my thoughts, grateful to be alone as I trotted down to our apartment.

Except when I walked inside, I wasn’t alone at all. And when I saw her standing before me, time stopped.

Penny stood in front of our computers next to a blank chalkboard on wheels looking afraid and hopeful and absolutely beautiful. Her hair was purple again and spilling over her shoulders, her fingers toying with the short hem of her gauzy black dress that was sweet, almost demure, though she hung onto her edge with the deep V and strip of broad lace around her waist where her skin peeked through.

My heart jumped in my chest like it was reaching for her, and my throat closed up, jammed with a hundred things I felt and wished for and wanted. A question was on my lips, and I opened them to speak, but she took a breath and beat me to the punch.

“They call me Pi because I’m irrational and I don’t know when to stop.”

A single laugh burst out of me, and she smiled, relaxing just a little as she stepped closer to the chalkboard.

She drew a line with a shaky hand, then drew another perpendicular line in the center to make a right angle. “I’m not always right.” She drew another line at about the one hundred twenty degree mark. “And I know I’ve been obtuse.” Her final line was at around the forty-five degree point. “But luckily I’m acute psycho, which makes me a little easier to deal with.”

I folded my arms and squeezed, heart thudding, smile on my lips, disbelieving as my eyes and ears sent signals to my brain that my heart had always known.

“It’s all fun and games until someone divides by zero, which I did when I took you to that godforsaken concert and that zero came between us. But even before that, I should have told you something I was too afraid to admit,” she said as she drew two right triangles, backed up to each other to make a whole. “You and I are so right.”

She drew a box on the chalkboard underneath the triangles with an anatomical heart inside without a single mistake, like it was second nature.

“I can’t let you go, not without telling you how I feel, but I had to think outside the quadrilateral parallelogram to figure out how. Bodie, you’re like a math book; you solve all my problems. And like decimals, I have a point.”

She turned and moved toward me with her eyes so full of questions and answers and secrets and love that it broke my heart and healed it. My hands fell to my sides, my breath shallow, when she stopped just in front of me.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I was afraid, and I’m sorry I hurt you. You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I want to return that gift. I want to be your everything if you’ll take me back. Because there’s no equation in my heart that doesn’t put you and me together and end in infinity. I’m all in, Bodie. All three hundred sixty degrees of me.”

I took a breath and stepped into her, bringing her into my arms as my lungs filled with air, filled with her.

“You are one well-defined function, Penny,” I joked quietly, holding her against my beating heart, searching for words. “This was all I needed — to know how you felt. If we’re going to work, you’ve got to tell me. You’ve got to trust me.”

“I do,” she said softly. “Does this mean …”

I gazed down at her, drunk on her, smiling. “You know,” I said as I brushed her hair from her face, “they say the best angle to come at something is the tryangle.”

“Do they say that?” She smiled, her eyes shining as she leaned into me, her breaths short.

“They do,” I answered, thumbing her cheek, searching her eyes. “I don’t want to lose you either, Pen. So I’ll take your three-sixty and give you mine. It was already yours,” I said against her lips.

And with the smallest of shifts, we connected, breathing out relief and breathing each other into its place.

Her lips were so sweet, the feel of her in my arms so much better than I’d been daydreaming about since I’d held her last. And all my fears fell away. All except one.

Slowly, reluctantly, I broke away slowly.

“You changed your hair again,” I said as I slipped a lock through my fingers.

She nodded, smiling lips together. “It was a complete science experiment of pink-to-blue ratios, but it worked out. I really like this color after all. I think I’m gonna stick with it for the long haul.”

“Penny,” I started, looking down at her, hoping this was it, that she was mine for good, “I need to know you’re not going to run when it gets hard. Because it will get hard, and I … I can’t hang around on the fence waiting to see which way you’ll go.”

She nodded. “God, I hate that I’ve done this to you, that you’d question it. So I’ll tell you now, and I’ll prove it as we go.” She held my jaw in her hands and looked into my eyes. “I’m here to stay. I’m not going to run, and I know it’ll get hard. And you’re right; we can’t pretend like everything’s fine when it’s not. I can’t be afraid to tell you how I feel, and you can’t either. I promise to be honest with you if you do the same.”

“I promise. But that’s not the only reason you bugged out.”

She took a breath and looked down. “No, it wasn’t the only reason. I’ve never felt like this before, Bodie. For so long, I’ve suppressed all of this, hid from it, stopped it before it started, and now that I’m letting go of that, it’s like learning how to walk. And I want this. I want you. But I’m scared.”

I cupped her cheeks and tilted her face up to meet my eyes. “I know,” I said softly, gently. “But I’m not going to hurt you, Pen. I want to protect you. I want to love you.” My chest tightened as the word passed my lips.

“I want to love you too,” she said as the fear left her eyes, “and I know you won’t hurt me. All you’ve ever done is try to make me happy. So now it’s my turn.”

And when she stretched onto her toes, when her lids closed and lashes cast shadows on her cheeks, when she pressed her lips to mine, I knew without a doubt that it was true.

She opened her mouth and opened her heart, and I slipped in, holding her against me. She held onto me like she never wanted to let me go, and I did the same. Her hands found their way into my hair, her tongue sliding past mine, her back arching her body into my chest, bringing us almost as close as we could be fully clothed.

She seemed to notice the same thing as she brought the kiss to a close and ran her hands down my chest, tilting her chin to watch them.

“I missed you,” she said.

I pressed a kiss to her forehead. “I missed you too.”

My heart chugged under her palm.

“Should we go to the party?” she asked.

I knew for a fact it was the last thing she wanted to do.

I smirked. “How’d you know about the party?”

She smiled back. “Jude. I had his number. He helped me set this all up.”

“No wonder he wouldn’t let me come down,” I said with a laugh.

“He told me they want the game, that you did it. You got the job. You chased your dream down and caught it, and I’m so proud of you. I wish I could have been here for you.”

I held her close, full of gratitude and reassurance and utter joy. “You’re here now. That’s all that matters.”

She smiled. “We should go up and say hi.”

But I bent to grab her around the waist, picking her up as I stood. “Not a chance.”

She wrapped her legs around my waist and smiled, and I slid my hands up her thighs to her bare ass.

I groaned and squeezed. “Fuck, Penny.”

And all she did was laugh and kiss me.

I made my way into my bedroom, lit only by a lamp next to my bed, kicking the door closed behind me before tipping her onto the bed to kiss her, to press her small body into the bed with mine. And for a long time, we lay together in my bed — my hands in her hair, on her face, reverently brushing her collarbone, and her hands in my hair, on my jaw, riding the backs of my fingers as they traced the curves I’d thought I’d never touch again.

I could have kissed Penny forever. If I was lucky, maybe I would.

But our hands and lips and bodies weren’t content with that and moved on their own. Her hips rolled gently against mine, stroking her body against the hard length of my cock, and my hips flexed in answer, my lips harder, my hand roaming to cup her breast through the thin fabric of her dress. When I thumbed the peaked flesh of her nipple between her barbell, she cupped my neck and whimpered. And that was all it took to lose my patience.

I backed off of her, and kneeling at the foot of the bed, I tugged off my shirt and flung it, hands moving for my belt and eyes on Penny shifting on the bed, watching me.

I popped my button and lowered my zipper, hooking my thumbs in the waistband to push my jeans over my ass and down my thighs, shimmying out of them with the help of Penny’s feet.

I nestled my hips against hers, the fabric between her clit and my cock thin enough that I could feel everything — the balls of her piercing, the soft, warm flesh waiting for me. But I left her dress where it was between our hips and kissed her again. I kissed the sweetness of her lips and silently told her I’d take care of her. I kissed her neck and promised her she was safe. I kissed the space between her breasts, her heart thumping against my lips, and vowed I’d never break it.

My fingers pushed the strap of her dress over the curve of her shoulder until her breast was bare, and I ran my hand over the sweet, supple flesh, pressing myself into her with an ache in my chest from the weight of all I wanted and wished for and held dear. And my lips found hers again as our bodies wound together, a knot of arms and legs and hands whose purpose was only to bring us as close as we could get.

Her hips moved with intention, inching her dress up until we were skin-to-skin. She sighed through her nose against my cheek, gave the smallest of hums against my tongue in her mouth, and I wrapped my arms around her and squeezed. She tilted her hips to press the slick center of her to the length of my cock, and it was my turn to hum.

It had been too long without her, without this. And now that I had her in my arms again, it was beyond what I’d dreamed of. Because now, she was mine.

With every flex, she angled for my crown until I gave her body what it asked of me, backing up until the tip of me rested just inside her. I waited for only a moment before I slipped into her slowly in a motion that pushed a breath from both our lungs with every aching millimeter.

I pulled out and slid in easier, faster than before but still slow, deliberate, as if I could prolong it. As if I could make it last forever. And when I hit the end of her, when our bodies were a seam, she lay underneath me, bracketed in my arms, lids heavy and eyes full of love, and I committed every sensation — mind, body, and soul — to memory.

And when I kissed her again, it was with more emotion than I knew what to do with.

I pushed the other strap of her dress over her shoulder, wanting her skin on mine, and she wiggled her arms out and pushed the dress down her ribs. Every stroke of ink on her chest was brushed by my fingertips. The feel of her metal barbells and the soft flesh between impressed themselves in my palm. Her hood piercing pressed into the skin just above my cock, giving me a target, and I ground against it with every pump of my hips until she muttered my name, hooking her legs around my waist to twist us.

I let her guide me onto my back, our bodies still connected, hers rocking as she reached across her body and grabbed her dress, pulling it off, leaving her naked. And then she braced herself on my chest and raised her ass, dropping down on me achingly slow, working my body with hers, hips rolling.

Every time I disappeared into her, my pulse raced faster until my heart hammered against my ribs, and I sat, reaching for her, winding my arms around her, burying my face in her breasts, my hands cupping her ass to lift and lower her.

She clenched around my cock once, gasped my name — the sound sweet and right and everything — and her body tensed as she squeezed me so tight, so hard that when she came, I did too with a growl and a moan and the nerves in my body so raw and connected to her that I vibrated like a tuning fork.

My hands flexed, holding her against me, rocking her gently as the last flickers worked through us. She curled into me, arms tucked into her chest and head under my chin. I wrapped my arms around her, so small and right and mine.

She was mine. I was hers. And that was it.

My fingertips skated the length of her back while we came down, and when she sighed — a heavy, satisfied sound — I lay back, taking her with me, pulling out of her. And as we lay there on our sides together, wrapped up in each other, I found myself so content, so happy. I knew right then and there that I’d do anything to hang on to that, hang on to her. I cursed myself for ever walking away.

Of course, as I slid my hand into her hair and kissed her, I realized I couldn’t have stayed away. Penny and I felt inevitable that way. I hadn’t stopped thinking of her any more than she had of me. And even though I’d been hurt, I couldn’t imagine ever really walking away. We would have found a way back to each other.

The alternative hurt too much to even think about — I’d have lost my chance at this. Because holding Penny, I knew I could spend a thousand nights like this and never get my fill.

She stirred against my chest and kissed my collarbone. I kissed her forehead in answer and whispered I’d be right back before climbing out of bed to dart across the empty hallway to the bathroom. And when I came back with a washcloth and a smile, it was met with hers. She was curled up in my bed like a cat, looking sated and content and just as happy as I was.

I crawled to her, kissing her bare hip before rolling her over onto her back to clean her up, and she watched me with a purple strand of hair between her fingers and her lip between her teeth.

“I missed you,” she said, her voice husky. “I was a mess without you.”

I chuckled. “You’re a mess with me.”

“That’s true. But so, so much worse without.”

I shook my head, marveling over the night. “I can’t believe you did all this. Where’d you get all the math material?” I tossed the washcloth in the general direction of my closet.

“Mostly the internet, but I asked one of the girls on set who’s a real math whiz.”

She reached for the covers tucked under my pillow and slipped between the sheets, and I followed her in.

“And you memorized it and everything,” I said, still smiling as I pulled her back into my chest and our legs scissored together. I wondered absently if I’d ever stop smiling.

“Mmhmm. Ronnie made flashcards.”

I laughed at that.

“I just … I’m sorry I didn’t try harder sooner. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you how I felt from the start.”

“It’s all right,” I said quietly.

“But it’s not. Bodie, I know it’s no excuse, but I’ve been this way for a long time and for a lot of reasons that seem really stupid now.” She took a breath. “You remember how it was with me and Rodney in high school?”

My fingers dragged across her shoulder blades and back again. “I remember.”

“He used to manipulate me, gaslight me to make me think I was crazy, which made me crazier. It was like a self-fulfilling prophecy. And even at that, I never left him.”

“Penny, you aren’t responsible for what he did to you. And plus, we were just kids then.”

She backed away and propped herself up on her elbow. “But see, it changed me. I looked at what happened with him and knew I didn’t want to feel that way anymore, ever again. And in my brain, that meant not letting myself care about anybody. So I conditioned myself over eight years. And everything went along shipshape, until I met you. You came along with your dimple and torpedo cock and sank my battleship.”

A laugh burst out of me, and she smiled.

“But then I was drowning. Clearly, I do not know how to swim. It was cruel really,” she teased.

“I’m not sorry I sank your battleship, and neither is my torpedo.” I propped my head on my hand.

Penny giggled, her cheeks rosy and smile warm. “I ain’t mad atcha. That ship was a bucket of bolts.” She paused, perking up. “Oh, I meant to ask you how your hand was.”

I showed her my knuckles, which were almost fully healed. “All better.”

She held hers up with a smirk— they were a little scraped up. “Mine too.”

My brow quirked, and I reached for her hand to inspect it. “What happened?”

“Well, I couldn’t let you be the only one to get licks in on Rodney.”

A surprised laugh shot out of me. “You’re kidding.”

She shook her head. “He called you a loser, and I punched him in the eye.”

I laughed even more and kissed the back of her hand.

“And then he called me a psycho, and I kneed him in the balls.”

That one earned her a kiss on the lips.

“God, I wish I’d seen that.”

“There might be a YouTube video out there somewhere. Who knows?”

I chuckled. “Well, I have a confession to make since we’re confessing things.”

One of her brows rose. “Oh?”

“Mmhmm.” I watched her, smiling. “I knew from the jump that I wanted to be with you, and I knew I’d have my work cut out for me when it came to convincing you to let me stick around longer than a few dates.”

Her mouth opened in a red O that wasn’t at all serious. “You fucking sneak! Heart-ninja sneak, with your heart-ninja stars that make girls fall for you. I’ve been tricked.”

I chuckled and rested my hand on her hip under the blanket. “More like lion tamer than a ninja.”

She lit up. “Ooh, do you have a whip?”

“No, but I can get one.” I leaned forward to kiss her, laughing through my nose.

“I like it. I’m the lion. How are you gonna keep me from eating your face off?”

“Just gotta keep you well fed.” I pulled her hips into mine to show her just what I could feed her.

She laughed. “That’ll do.”

I smiled at her for a minute. “Scared?”

“Fucking terrified.”

“Trust me?”

And she leaned into me, cupping my jaw as she said against my lips, “Without a doubt.”