“Run, baby. We’re late.”
Fiona and I race in the door to the gym; her sprinting through the gate and joining her class for the tail end of the warm up, me heading for my regular bench. Recently, we’ve been a little behind schedule. Mostly it’s because working has put a kink in my ability to get anywhere on time. Funny how taking ten hours out of your day leaves very little time for anything else. Go figure.
But it’s also because of my mother’s newest obsession… Real Housewives. She ran out of Kardashian episodes a few weeks ago, so she moved on to New Jersey and it’s been non-stop ever since. As soon as she showed up to babysit the other two kids, she began babbling on about how much she loves Teresa’s spunk, even if she is a horrible person.
I wish I had a picture of her face when I told her Teresa went to prison. She had no idea. For a woman completely obsessed with reality TV, my mother stays remarkably far away from the tabloids. She says it’s because you can’t believe a thing you read in them.
Yet she considers reality shows actual reality. There are no words for that woman sometimes.
I will admit, bringing Fiona to her class was hard when Greg first moved away. Being in the building brought up so many memories. Plus, any time one of the kids would mention him, my heart would sink. And when the new director introduced himself to me for the first time, I thought I was going to burst into tears.
It felt like everything was still exactly the same and everyone was going on with their lives like Greg had never even been there. But to me, the most important part was just… missing. It left what felt like a gaping hole in my chest.
Over time, that gaping hole became smaller and smaller until it became a tiny pinprick that pokes me every once in a while. Ok, it’s a big pinprick. But I don’t feel like I could cry everyday anymore.
Strangely, moving Fiona to a different class on different days helped me with the hurt. Fi worked really hard and moved up to the more advanced level, so she has Coach Pete now. He’s a nice guy, always has a smile on his face. And I never saw him with Greg, so that’s been nice for me. I know it’s selfish, but not having any memories of the two of them interacting gives me a little bit of peace.
Which is good because I don’t have time to feel depressed while we’re here. It’s two hours every week where I have uninterrupted time to catch up on emails, calls, and texts. I need to take advantage of it.
Settling myself on the bench, I grab my phone and open it, beginning the tedious task of going through everything I may have missed throughout the day. But of course the first text I see is from my mother and it came in seven minutes ago.
Mom: Are you sure Teresa went to prison? She’s a terrible person, but she’s not a criminal.
I shake my head in amusement. I am never going to hear the end of this until she gets to that episode.
Me: Yes, Mom. It was all over the news. Google it if you don’t believe me.
Mom: That’ll ruin the surprise of that episode.
Me: Didn’t I already ruin the surprise by telling you?
Mom: Yes, but you didn’t tell me what all happened. That’s still a secret.
Me: It’s not a secret. I don’t even watch the show and I know she was only in the slammer for six months or something.
Mom: ELENA JOANN MONROE!
Oh shit. I just got shouty capitaled.
Mom: You stop ruining things for me or I’m dumping out all your wine bottles and filling them with water.
Me: Thank you, Jesus.
Mom: Jesus turned water into wine, not wine into water. Where did I go wrong with you?
Me: You stopped making me go to church when I was sixteen and I lost my moral compass?
Mom: I have regrets now. Don’t rush home. I’m baking chicken for dinner. And don’t say a word about it. I felt like cooking today. Also, Maura swears you said it was ok for her to wear your lipstick. Yes or no?
Me: No! And thanks for dinner, Mom. I’ll text you on our way out.
Maura and her obsession with all things girly are going to kill me, I just know it.
I close my eyes and sigh, re-centering myself and taking a breather. My body relaxes so much now that the obnoxious chore of cooking has been taken off my plate, I barely hear the snick of the office door closing next to me.
This is my first time being a single, working mom. And it. Is. Tough. Granted, I don’t do as much cleaning anymore because no one is home to mess up the house. But staying home meant having momentum. I got things done because I was already up and moving and accomplishing other goals.
Somehow, leaving a job and driving home kills that momentum. So any time my mom decides to cook dinner for us, I won’t argue. I just thank her profusely and am grateful it’s one less thing I have to do.
Opening my eyes, I search the room for Fiona and find her practicing her back handsprings with Coach Pete. Not bad. She’s still jumping up instead of back a little too much. Recognizing the technique problem is the curse of being a former gymnast.
Regardless, it’s so impressive watching how far she’s come. Seeing her smile every time we’re here makes me smile, too. She loves being at the gym. I’m pretty sure Coach Pete plans to bump her up to team and start her on several hours a week by winter.
And so the life of an athlete, and the athlete’s chauffer (a.k.a. Mother) begins.
I watch as Fiona gets herself back into position—standing straight, arms high above her head—but just as she squats down to put some power into her jump, she gets distracted, her eyes widen, and she squeals as she takes off running.
“COACH GREG!” she’s yelling as she runs across the floor and flings her arms around a man’s waist.
Greg? My Greg? What is she talking about?
As the kids begin to crowd around him, the man slowly turns my direction. When our eyes lock, I suck in a breath.
Ohmygod. It’s Greg. He’s missing his beard, which is really weird since I’ve never seen him without facial hair, but it’s definitely him. His baby blues are a dead giveaway. And right now, they are staring right into me.
What is he doing here? Is he visiting? Why didn’t he call me?
All these thoughts run through my brain as I strain to listen to what’s he saying to the kids, but they’re too far away. Instead, I have to focus on another coach answering one of the parent’s questions.
“Today is his first day back,” the coach says, completely oblivious to how hard my heart is pounding, even though I’m sure it can be heard if you get close enough. “The San Antonio gym is up and running now, so we snatched him right back from them.”
He’s back? And he didn’t tell me? He let me find out when it became gym gossip?
Different emotions course through me. I’m sad he didn’t think to contact me. I’m shocked he’s back. I’m excited to see him. But more than anything, I think, I think I’m pissed. Pissed that he wasn’t more sensitive to the fact that I’d be here. Pissed that he sprung this on Fiona, who knows him better than the average gym rat. Pissed that he didn’t give us a head’s up so we could be mentally prepared for his arrival. Not a phone call. Even a text message would be nice. Hell, he could have texted Callie so she could’ve given me a warning.
Maybe he didn’t think about it because he’s moved on. Maybe he’s dating someone else and I never cross his mind. Why would he think to tell me he’d be here if he’s got a girlfriend he’s with all the time? That would make sense. He’s a wonderful guy. I’m sure the women in San Antonio were as enthralled with him as the women here.
Still, I wish I had known. More than anything, I needed time to prepare my heart. Instead, I’m sitting on this damn wooden bench, shell-shocked.
For the remaining time in the hour-long class, I force myself to watch Fiona. I won’t look at Greg, even though I can feel him gazing at me. That first glance, the one that felt like he was seeing right into me, I couldn’t get a read on his emotions. He almost stared at me blankly. I don’t know what that means, but I don’t want to find out. The possibilities are too scary.
So I focus on my daughter and the happiness she exudes as she perfects her skills. I smile when she smiles. I clap when she looks at me. I flash her a thumbs up when she flashes it at me first. Basically, I pretend I have any idea what’s going on around me, when really all I’m doing is avoiding seeing the love of my life make his entrance back into our lives, without so much as a Facebook message.
The hour can’t end soon enough, and by the time Fiona has her cover up and shoes on, I’m ready to bolt. A warm, strong hand stops me, though, as we push through the crowd to get out the door.
“Elena,” he says, and I squeeze my eyes tight to center my thoughts. Just the sound of his voice makes my whole body tingle, never mind the warmth of his hand on my arm. Glancing up to make sure Fiona is still by the water fountain, I finally turn around.
“Hi Greg.” I stare at him, this beautiful man I love, this man I’ve grieved over. I try desperately to hold my emotions in check because I refuse to cry in front of him or anyone else. “How are you?”
“I’m back,” he says with a hopeful smile.
I nod. “I see that.”
He clears his throat and tries to put his hands in his pockets, but there are none in his athletic shorts, so he drops his hands to his sides. “Listen, um, can we talk?”
I think about it for a second. I want to, I really do, but if I stop to talk now, I’ll break down into a blubbering mess of tears and now is not the time or the place. Plus, I’m still pissed and I need a minute to sort out my feelings. So I respond the only way I can.
“No,” I say, and turn around, grabbing Fiona by the hand as we walk out of the gym and away from the love of my life.