Chapter Three

After Ryan left, confusion reigned supreme in Annie’s head. What was up with that kiss? Had she imagined how amazing it had been? And how not platonic?

Exhaling loudly, she plopped down onto the sofa. It had to have been a platonic kiss that had just lasted a little too long. Otherwise, he’d be here. Her crush on Ryan was something she was putting behind her. She wasn’t going to dwell on one Christmas kiss. But God, it wasn’t easy to forget him after he’d kissed her in a way that had her body tingling in all the right places.

“Ugh!” Frustrated, she tried to shove the thought of kissing Ryan out of her mind and went through the motions of her nightly routine—washing her face, brushing her teeth. Then she double-checked that she had packed everything she needed for Vegas. She’d almost forgotten to pack the diet pills. Can’t have that. Quickly, she dumped the bottle into her carry-on, right next to a box of condoms and her birth control packet. Paige was the only one she’d told about the diet pills, and her friend had lectured Annie on using them. Yeah, Annie wasn’t thrilled with the side effects, but she’d only need the pills temporarily. Besides, wasn’t heart health important, too? Given that high cholesterol ran in her family, she figured losing the weight, no matter which way she did it, was more important.

Why, then, had she not told Ryan that she was taking diet pills? Maybe for the same reason she hadn’t told him about her trip to Vegas. Because he’d worry. Maybe even judge. Even if he didn’t, she needed to pull away from him a little. And, frankly, she’d be way too embarrassed to tell him about her naughty list.

Annie climbed into bed and set her alarm. After turning off the lamp on her nightstand, she snuggled down into the covers and tried to sleep.

Didn’t happen.

Instead, she lay there, wide awake, replaying Ryan’s kiss.

Those few seconds of bliss with his lips finally touching hers in a far less friendly way than normal.

Annie turned onto her other side, then onto her back. She tried to think about something else. Anything else. She tried to imagine what her trip was going to be like and what the handsome stranger she was going to meet on a dance floor would look like. She closed her eyes, and she saw nothing but Ryan’s face, and Ryan’s body…

“Damn it!” she said, sitting up and turning the light back on. She reached into her nightstand drawer and took out her e-reader. She would focus on a good old-fashioned mystery to take her mind off Ryan, and then hopefully she could get some sleep. She turned it on and pulled up the newest book she’d downloaded. It was by someone she’d never read before, but it was a murder mystery with little to no romance.

Perfect.

She read the first paragraph, but she couldn’t get past the mixture of anxiety, confusion, and anticipation churning inside her to focus on the story.

Being with Ryan, kissing Ryan, had felt so right. For those brief moments, she’d felt like herself rather than the woman she was trying so hard to change herself into. Not that change wasn’t good, she hurriedly reminded herself, but now she had to wonder—was she really ready to go through with what was left on the list?

Yes!

Only a coward would turn back now.

With determination, Annie started reading.

And promptly thought of Ryan and that kiss again.

“Argh!” Annie put the e-reader down and stared at the ceiling for a solid minute before her phone rang. She glanced at her cell phone screen and saw it was Ryan. Her heartbeat accelerated, and damn it, she got wet just looking at his avatar on her phone.

“Hey,” she said, annoyed at the husky sound of her voice. She cleared her throat. “What’s up?”

“Did I wake you?” he asked.

“I can’t seem to sleep,” she said truthfully.

“I’m not surprised.”

Annie’s heart started beating faster. What did that mean? Was he implying that she wouldn’t be able to sleep because she was thinking about him? About the kiss they’d shared?

When she didn’t respond, he said, “I saw something when I was at your place earlier, and I think you meant it to be private.”

For a moment, panic surged through her. He’d been rummaging around under her Christmas tree. There was no way he could tell what was in her present to herself, right? The danged thing hadn’t set itself off and started rattling around in the box, had it?

“Annie, I know where you’re going tomorrow. And I know what your plans are.”

She sucked in a breath and closed her eyes. Oh God, it was even worse than she’d feared. He knew. Her best friend knew she was flying to Vegas tomorrow in order to fuck a stranger. Oh God.

“I wasn’t snooping. I knocked some photos off the fridge, and all I did was pick them up. I saw the flight ticket. And, fuck, Annie, I saw your fucking list.”

* * *

Ryan shoved a hand through his hair and worked to calm himself down. Breathe in, breathe out. Slowly, he reminded himself.

Not working.

“Y—You, uh…” Annie’s voice faded out.

Frustration over the list still coursed through his system. This night had given him one surprise after another, and he wasn’t sure if he was standing on his own two feet or hanging upside down. All he knew was that after having dinner with Annie and allowing the knowledge that she had a plan to be naughty roll around in his head, he realized he couldn’t let her do it.

She might look a little different now, but she was still his Annie. Sweet. A good girl. Someone for whom sex meant something.

"You’re not going to Vegas and having a one-night stand," he declared. "You can go to Vegas and get a tattoo, I have no problem with that, I’ll even come with you. But you most definitely cannot go fuck a stranger."

"Excuse me?" Annie’s voice was quiet, firm, and irritated.

Dangerously so.

What did she have to be irritated about? He was the one having his world turned upside down. He couldn’t think straight since he’d seen that list. Since he’d kissed her. He didn’t know what was going on with the whirling emotions inside of him, but there was one thing he did know. He couldn’t let her go to Vegas and hook up with some random guy. She’d end up hating herself.

He forced out a breath. "Come on, Annie. You’re hardly making wise decisions. With the weight you’ve lost, you have to be taking something. Something unhealthy. And now there’s this list."

"Those are my decisions to make," she said slowly, an edge of steel in her voice. "And you have no right to dictate to me what I can and cannot do. I’ve lived my life doing exactly what other people have expected of me. I’ve always been a good girl. I’ve been fine with that. But in case you haven’t noticed, Ryan, I’ve changed. And I want to explore this new side of me."

He didn’t want any part of this new side of her. She was perfect the way she was before. His jaw tightened. "You think because you’ve lost a little weight that it’s okay to compromise your principles?"

"How dare you!" she all but shouted. "This isn’t about compromising who I am. This is about exploring who I’ve always wanted to be—a person who’s comfortable in her own body and not afraid to show it. This is about me reaching for the stars and grabbing them."

Had she really wanted to be a little looser with her sexuality? And if so, why did that make him so frustrated? He had no right to judge her for that.

But still…

He didn’t want to see her get hurt. He cleared his throat. "Just so you know, casual sex isn’t that great.”

On the other end of the line, he heard her inhale sharply. Then she said, “Really. Is that why you’ve had so little of it?”

His silence answered her loud and clear.

"Yeah." She gave a harsh laugh. "That’s what I thought."

“Yeah, I obviously have a problem with commitment. That’s not you.”

"Ryan, I know you’re worried for me, and I appreciate your concern, but I need to do this."

“Tell me what this trip to Vegas is really about.”

“Why? So you can tell me again what a stupid idea it is?”

“I won’t. I promise. I’m sorry I came off like a Neanderthal. It’s just…that list took me by surprise. You’ve taken me by surprise. You look different. You seem to want different things. I just—I don’t even know if I know you anymore, and that scares me.”

The vulnerability in his words seemed to give her pause and penetrate her anger, because she hesitated for a few seconds. When she spoke, her voice was softer. Gentler. “You know me, Ryan. I’m the same person. I just want to be more adventurous. I want to know what being a bad girl has to offer. I didn’t get to explore my bad side so much in high school, with my mom being sick and me having to take care of my dad and my sister, but… It’s never too late, right?”

His mind scrambled for an answer that would be supportive yet not so supportive that it would encourage her on her reckless path. Okay, so he could see how she might want to be more adventurous. But, damn it, she couldn’t put herself in danger. How could he help give her what she needed but in a way that was safe?

The idea came to him out of nowhere, shocking him.

But he leaped on it instantly.

“Annie, as you pointed out, I’ve had casual sex. More than I’m proud of. Honestly, it’s just not that great. Sex is better with someone you care about.”

“Well, I’m not going to have casual sex with someone I care about, Ryan, so…”

“Why not?”

She blew out a breath. “Because I’m not dating anyone right now.”

“You want to be a bad girl, right? Well, you can be pretty darn bad in ways that don’t involve getting on that plane tomorrow.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Have casual sex with me. Now. On the phone.”