LYING ON MY SIDE, I closed my eyes. A second, a minute, an hour later, something cold pressed against my back, and I made a sound of protest.
“Shh, it’s just an ice pack.” Ben’s hand slipped under my neck and my head was lifted. “Here.” He touched a water bottle to my lips. “Drink.”
His gaze, so intense it was almost angry, made me shiver as the cold water ran down my throat. I reached for the bottle to take over and our fingers touched. Goose bumps raced across my flesh.
Ben stared at my lips as he withdrew his hand from the bottle. “Marcus texted. He’s fine.”
I choked on the water. “What did he say?”
Ben pulled the bottle away and the frown lines between his eyes deepened. “Nothing I care to repeat. I just wanted to let you know he was awake and okay.”
Marcus wasn’t okay. I was starting to doubt he would ever be okay again, but relief that he’d been in contact with Ben, no matter what he’d said, was enough to make me take a breath. I didn’t respond to Ben, because I didn’t know what to say. I was embarrassed for what I’d said earlier about him taking me away from Marcus, like I wasn’t old enough to make my own decisions, but I also wasn’t sorry I’d said it.
Ben sat on the edge of the bed and pressed the bottle to my lips again. “Drink. Talon should be here soon.” He picked up the ice pack that had slipped off and gently held it to my back.
No one had done something like this for me since before my mother had gotten sick. Marcus cooked for me and he’d bought me a car, but actually taking care of me when I hurt? He’d always pretended like nothing was wrong.
I drank the water, then turned all the way back on my side, facing away from Ben. “Thank you for the ice.”
“You’re welcome. How’s your breathing?”
“Better.”
Ben inhaled and let it out slow. “I don’t want you to lie to me, or give me answers you think I want to hear.”
“I wasn’t.” My breathing was better now that I was lying down.
He moved the ice pack to another spot on my back and changed the subject. “Do you want to talk about Marcus?”
“No.”
Silence.
I pulled my legs closer, curling into a fetal position, acutely aware of Ben behind me.
“Do you want to put something else on to sleep in?”
Shoot. “I forgot pajamas,” I admitted.
I felt the bed shift as he got up, then I heard some movement before clothes were placed in front of me. “I’ll step outside for a moment.”
When I heard the door close, I picked up the clothes. Soft gray sweats and a T-shirt. I gingerly peeled off my jeans, took my blouse off and pulled the sweats up. I had to roll the waist several times, then I slipped the T-shirt over my head. I was staring at the writing on the T-shirt when a knock sounded on the door.
“Come in.” It was a shirt from my last karate tournament. A tournament I’d taken first place at.
Ben strode into the room, and with a single quick glance my way, he turned down the covers. “Lie down.”
Did he choose this shirt on purpose? Had he always been this bossy? I crawled into the bed and the scent of him increased by a thousand. Inhaling, pretending I didn’t feel secure with him making all the decisions, I sank further into the pillows. I didn’t know pillows could be this soft. I was ready for something in my life to feel this soft, but even the thought made me feel guilty.
As if he could read my thoughts, Ben frowned. “Talon will be here soon with your prescription.”
“It’s fine. I’m okay.” I felt guilty being here when Marcus was alone. He hated being alone. “I should call Marcus.” But I shamefully didn’t want to.
“I’ll text him later.” Ben pulled the covers up over me.
I should’ve texted Marcus, but my body was shutting down and it was hard to keep my eyes open.
Ben sat back on the edge of the bed. “Stop worrying about him right now.” He smoothed my hair off my forehead and let the strands run through his fingers. “Get some sleep.”
My heart raced and my breath turned short again. Ben didn’t ever touch me like that. Something was shifting, or maybe it already had. I stared at his hand, not knowing what to say or do.
Slow, assured, his hand turned over, palm up.
As if my body knew what my heart fought, I reached out.
Ben threaded our fingers together.
I exhaled the first full breath since last night that didn’t hurt to the point of tears. “Thank you,” I whispered.
“I’m concerned.”
The exhaled breath stuck in my lungs, and I tried to pull my hand back, but he didn’t let me.
“I have to be back on the road in a few days.”
“So you said.” I needed to give him a plausible lie, and soon. He wasn’t going to let this go.
His thumb stroked across my knuckles, then his words took my breath. “I want you to come with me.”
My heart leapt, but then crushing reality made tears well and I turned away from his weighted stare. I’d wanted to hear those words from Ben the second his band booked its first tour. I’d wanted to be so important to him, he couldn’t leave without me. I’d wanted to be his. But I wasn’t, and he’d never asked, and now he was only saying what he was saying because I was hurt.
I swallowed past the lump in my throat and forced the next words out. “You don’t owe me anything because my mother took you in.”
He grasped my chin and brought my face back to his. “I’m angry at you for coming to class injured. I’m pissed that you didn’t tell me about Marcus sooner, but I’m outraged to hear those last words come out of your mouth.” His nostrils flared as he took a breath. “I don’t want to ever hear you say that again. Understand?”
Stunned, I nodded.
“Answer me, Elyssia,” he demanded.
“I understand.”
His grip on my chin tightened. “You are not an obligation to me. You never have been.” His hand squeezed mine. “Stop trying to push me away.”
A silent tear ran down my face.
His intake of breath was audible before he abruptly released my hand, roughly swiped at the tear, then stood. “Get some rest.”
I closed my eyes, praying I didn’t fall apart, or worse, try to kiss him again.
The bedroom door softly closed, and I exhaled.
I didn’t think I could fall asleep, but the next thing I knew, something was tickling my nose. Too tired to open my eyes, I heard Talon speak in a muted tone.
“Her breathin’s worse.”
“She had an emotional setback.” Ben’s voice was deeper than Talon’s.
“Setback? Is that what you’re callin’ the beatin’ she took, a setback?”
“I’m working on it.”
“Workin’ on what? Lettin’ her run scared and hide? If you ain’t gonna hunt with the big dogs, stay on the fuckin’ porch, my friend. She needs a solution, not a damn shoulder to cry on.”
“I said I’m working on it.”
Talon snorted. “Gimme two hours, and I’ll find out who did this.”
“No. I’m not breaking her trust like that.”
“Hate to tell you, Wonderboy, but trust is about the last thing you got from her right now. She’s skittish as hell, and rightfully so. End this shit.”
“Let it go,” Ben warned.
“Right, like you’re lettin’ it go? I’m not the one bein’ a pussy.”
“Language,” Ben quietly snapped.
Talon let out a muted snort. “Oh man, you got it bad. Never woulda thought it. It’s always the quiet ones you gotta watch out for.”
“Screw you.”
“I’m all good, thanks.” Talon quietly chuckled. “But nice language.”
I stirred and something pulled on my face. I reached up, but a hand covered mine. I blinked my eyes open.
Ben’s serious gaze was trained on me. “It’s just the oxygen, Elyssia. Leave it.”
“Hey, darlin’.”
I glanced at Talon. “Hi.” My voice sounded raspy.
Talon smiled and shook out a pill from a bottle. “You ever get tired of Wonderboy usin’ your full name, just let me know.” He handed me the pill. “I’ll fix you up with a good nickname. In fact…” He looked at Ben and grinned. “I reckon I got one that’ll suit you just fine.” Talon looked back at me and winked. “Let me know when you’re ready to hear it.” He turned serious. “This is a strong painkiller. Only take it every four to six hours if you need it. Opiate painkillers can suppress your breathin’, so let me or Wonderboy know immediately if that happens. Okay?” He picked up my wrist to check my pulse.
“Okay.” Ben handed me the bottle of water, and I nodded my thanks before taking the pill. I hated this attention. I wasn’t ungrateful, but I hated it nonetheless.
Talon set my wrist down after a minute then looked at Ben. “I’m out. Take care of your girlfriend, and if you need anythin’, call.”
“Thanks, man.” They shook hands and slapped each other on the back, but Ben didn’t correct him on the girlfriend comment.
Talon smiled down at me. “Later, darlin’. Rest up. You’re gonna be just fine.”
“Thanks,” I whispered.
Talon left, and Ben checked on a small device on the nightstand that the plastic tubing giving me air was connected to. He adjusted something, then sat on the edge of the bed.
I glanced at the machine. “I didn’t need all this.”
“Yes you did. You’ll breathe easier now.”
He was right, so I didn’t argue. “I’m not going on tour with you.” I needed to get everything out. Everything except why I was here in the first place.
Ben broke from his stoic demeanor, dropped his head to his hands and pushed his fingers through his hair. “Elyssia.” Inhaling, he closed his eyes, but he didn’t say any more.
Never having seen him at a loss for words, I stared at his hands. Long fingers, strong wrists, veins running up and across the tendons, even his hands were beautiful. And they’d touched me more in the past few hours than the last eight years.
Ben looked back up and the intensity of his gaze cut straight to my heart. “I’ve never asked you for anything.” He studied me a moment. “This once, I’m asking. Please come on the rest of the tour with me.” Quiet and formal, his last sentence made my heart skip.
“I can’t afford to not work.” Giving the only excuse I had that didn’t involve my brother, I silently pleaded for him to not ask me again. Not in that tone of voice, and not with that look in his eyes.
“It won’t cost you anything, and I’ll cover your expenses while we’re away.” His gaze held mine. “I know what I’m asking you to do.”
“No, you don’t.” He couldn’t possibly. He was asking me to step aside and let my brother die. I didn’t want to make this conversation about Marcus. I’d stupidly wanted something that was just me and Ben, but I was a fool for even thinking that was possible. Misplaced anger surged, and I lashed out at Ben. “You have no clue what you’re asking.” I turned away from him, and the stupid tubing pulled free.
With patient, gentle movements, Ben retucked the plastic tube behind my ears and refitted it under my nose. “I know this is about more than you leaving.”
“Don’t pretend you understand.” It was insulting.
“Marcus needs to be on his own. He needs to hit bottom, then pick himself up and fend for himself.”
Bitter anger bled out, misplaced and irrational, and I threw it all on Ben. “You have no idea what my brother went through. How easy it is for you to sit here from your expensive condo and tell someone they need to pick themselves up. Just because you have money now, doesn’t mean you can throw it at every problem. I’m not coming with you, and I’m not leaving my job or my brother.”
“I’m not throwing money at this. You know that’s not what this is.” The dominant tone to his voice I’d only heard on occasion surfaced. “You need to get away, Elyssia.”
Bullshit. “So you’re going to pay me to go with you? Why? Because you feel guilty I got hurt, or because you think my brother needs to be alone? He’s already alone. Every minute of every day, he lives alone in his head with horrific memories of war that you and I will never have to live through because he carries that burden for us.” My breathing, my adrenaline, they ratcheted up to match my temper. “Marcus doesn’t ever get to run away. He can’t leave his memories behind and go on tour with a famous rock band. He can’t escape, not ever.”
Ben took my hand in both of his as if I hadn’t just yelled at him, and his complex blue eyes met mine. His voice dropped. “Can you escape what happened to you?”
The gravitational pull of my world shifted, and for three precarious seconds, I was spinning. Then I went into a freefall, and the last pieces of my heart broke for a man I could never have.
“I’m not going with you.” I pulled my hand away.