I have to do something to distract me from my stepfather.

That’s a pretty messed up thought, but it’s the truth. I can’t keep just trying to ignore what’s going on and pretend like it’s not really happening. Connor is here to stay, or at least it looks that way. He’s going to be in my house, every single day, living very close to me.

I don’t know what I’m going to do longterm. I still haven’t heard back from the jobs I’ve applied to, and I’m running out of ideas.

The day after I ran into Connor in the hallway and nearly let him tear my robe off me, I decide to get off my ass and try to get out there again. There’s a girl I used to be friendly with back in school named Macy, and although I haven’t seen her in a while, she is back home right now. On a whim and a little desperate to distract myself from Connor, I call and invite her over.

Macy shows up around noon that Sunday. She’s shorter than me, barely five feet tall, and she’s extremely bubbly. She’s dirty blonde and thin with wide eyes and a big personality. We always got along really well, but we were mostly connected by other people and never really good friends ourselves.

“I’m SO glad you invited me over!” she says as we head out back to the pool. “It’s been what, like, forever?”

I smile. “Yeah, it really has.”

“How’s Stacey doing?”

“She’s good,” I say. “Not home, though.”

“Oh, I know. I mean, I’ve been keeping in touch with her a little bit, like, online.”

“Good,” I say, smiling. “She always liked you.”

“Obviously.” She gives me a big smile.

I’m feeling pretty good as we lie down next to the pool and chat about our lives. Macy went away to school but apparently isn’t super happy there, which is why she’s home for the summer. She had a boyfriend, but that ended badly, and I get to hear the whole story in agonizing detail. She talks a lot, but she’s really nice, so I’m happy to enjoy the sun and listen to her.

“So anyway, wow, I’ve been going on and on,” she says finally after describing exactly how she punched her ex in the nose after she caught him drunkenly fucking some other girl in her bed. “What are you up to?”

I laugh, shaking my head. “Not much,” I admit. “What can I say that could possibly follow that story?”

“Oh, good point,” she says, grinning and nodding. “I really do set a high bar.”

I laugh again and stretch. “I didn’t go to school, you know,” I say.

“I heard. You going to go this year?”

“Maybe,” I say. “I don’t know. Harvard deferred my acceptance, which, they basically never do.”

“That’s crazy lucky.”

I frown a little. “I think my grandfather probably bribed them. It’s part of why I don’t want to go.”

She looks at me for a second then nods slightly, looking out over the pool. “I know what you mean. We’re pretty lucky.”

“Yeah. Too lucky, maybe.”

“So, what? You’re just hanging around?”

“Finding myself,” I say, grinning at her.

She laughs. “Awesome. I want to find myself, too.”

“Luckily, you’re doing it right now.”

We both laugh together. She starts telling another story about a friend of hers from school, some hippie girl named Baya, tried to grow weed in her dorm’s bathroom. I listen and nod, happy to let her take over again.

I feel a little pathetic. This girl is out living her life, doing what she wants to do, although for a second there it seemed like she understood how I felt. We live in a rich neighborhood and most of the kids here have rich parents. We’re all given everything we want and never had to work for a thing. I kind of hate it, to be honest. I don’t want to be some spoiled rich girl like a lot of the girls from my school.

I want to earn my own life and build my own world. I think my mother understands, which is why she’s not forcing me to go to school. My grandfather doesn’t get it, but he means really well. He just wants the best for me, and I can’t fault him for that. I feel ungrateful, but I just want to try and be my own person and not become like everyone else in my family.

Maybe even that’s a privilege of my family. If I weren’t part of a wealthy family, I wouldn’t get to lie around the pool trying to “find myself” or whatever it is I’m doing.

We lapse into a comfortable silence and I can’t help but smile to myself. I’m glad I invited Macy over. We were never really close back in the day, but maybe we can become better friends now. I definitely need a friend considering where my life is headed right now. I feel totally stuck, but having someone to spend time with might help knock me out of my funk.

Almost as if on cue, the back door opens and we both look over at the same time as Connor steps out into the back yard. He hasn’t spotted us yet as he walks over toward the pool. He’s wearing a pair of swim trunks and a tight white t-shirt with a towel thrown over his shoulder. He gets up to the pool and tosses his towel on the ground then pulls off his shirt.

“Whoa,” Macy says.

Connor looks up, surprised. He grins when he spots the two of us lying there, staring at him.

“Sorry,” he says. “I didn’t see you two out here.” He shades his eyes from the sun. “Damn bright out here.”

“That’s okay,” I say. “We’re just sitting here.”

He walks over, and I can’t help but stare at his body. I grab my sunglasses and slip them over my eyes to try and hide it, but Macy doesn’t even bother to pretend. I glance at her and she’s practically drooling over Connor.

“Hey there,” he says to her. “I’m Connor,”

“He’s my mom’s new husband,” I say.

“Nice to meet you,” she says.

“This is Macy,” I say to Connor. “She’s a friend from school.”

“What are you two up to today?” he asks, crossing his arms over his muscular chest. His eyes roam my body quickly and I know he’s checking me out in my bikini. I don’t mind, in fact, it makes my heart beat faster. For a second, I forget that Macy is sitting there.

“Just hanging out,” Macy says. “Were you about to go for a dip?”

“I was,” he confirms. “But I won’t bother you two.”

“It’s no bother,” Macy says. “We wouldn’t mind. Right, Syd?”

I shake my head. “We were having a peaceful afternoon,” I say.

He smirks at me. “And I’m sure my splashing around would ruin that calm.”

“Sure would,” I confirm.

“I’m actually very graceful in the water,” he says.

“I doubt it.” I keep my face calm. “All that muscle might get in the way.”

He laughs at me. “I was a SEAL. We were an amphibious unit, you know.”

“You were a SEAL?” Macy asks.

He doesn’t even look at her. “Once upon a time,” he answers, eyes still on me. “You know, Syd, you’re always sitting out here. But I never see you in the water. Can you swim?”

I make a face. “Of course I can.”

“Prove it,” he says. “Swim some laps with me.”

I turn my head away. “I don’t feel like it.”

“I can swim,” Macy says.

He shrugs. “You sure you don’t want to?” he asks, eyes still on me.

“Positive.”

“Your loss.” He grins then nods at Macy. “Nice to meet you.”

“Same,” she says, sounding like a little girl.

He walks away and grabs his shirt and towel before heading back inside.

“Holy shit,” Macy says, laughing. “Are you kidding me?”

“What?” I ask her.

“That’s your stepfather?”

I frown. “I guess. He’s new.”

“That’s so messed up.” She laughs, shaking her head.

“What’s messed up?”

“Syd, he’s so clearly into you.”

“What?” I sit up straight, pretending to be surprised. “No way. He’s married to my mom.”

“And like, what, ten years older than you? But that doesn’t seem to matter to him.”

“Twenty. And cut it out,” I say, shaking my head, though I know she’s totally right.

“You saw how he was looking at you. He didn’t even notice me, like I was invisible.”

“That’s not true.” What she’s saying is right, but it makes me uncomfortable anyway.

“I’m just saying. He’s really, really hot. Could be worse.”

“He’s married to my mom,” I say again. “And a lot older, like you pointed out.”

She shrugs and leans back in her chair. “I guess so. Personally, I think that just makes it hotter.”

I frown and then lean back and shut my eyes, ending the conversation.

That whole exchange makes me very, very worried for a few reasons. Mainly, I’m worried that if Macy can see that Connor is into me so obviously and quickly, there’s no way my mom won’t notice. That’s what really scares me. I don’t want to be some awful daughter that hurts her mom and breaks up a marriage.

But she didn’t seem to think it’s a bad thing, which both freaks me out and excites me. The truth is, I want someone to tell me it’s okay to go after Connor. Or at least it’s okay to let him come after me. I know it isn’t, it really, really isn’t, but I want it pretty badly anyway.

The way he looks at me, the smirk on his face, everything about him drives me totally wild. My heart is pounding and I’m dripping wet just sitting there thinking about him, and Macy seems to understand. Maybe it isn’t so horrible, feeling like this.

I’m never going to act on it. I know I can’t. I’ll never betray my mother that badly, even if I want to. I can’t control if he comes up to me and wants to flirt, but I don’t have to be the one seeking him out. I have to have more control over myself than that.

I’m not going to think about Connor for the rest of the day. I’m just going to sit out here with Macy and enjoy myself. I can’t let him get under my skin so easily.

And yet he’s there, lodged deep down inside, whether I like it or not.