Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit.

That’s all that’s running through my head as I stand in the elevator. I punched the button for the lobby instead of my floor because I need some coffee, and a chance to clear my head before I see anyone else.

Once downstairs, I stand in the line at the café, which is longer than it needs to be. I need coffee now, before I implode. Or explode. Or whatever. I can’t stop my foot from tapping. Which makes me feel bad, because it makes me look like a dick, and even though I might be one right now—I’m really not.

Right now is what matters.

I slept with Beck. What the hell am I going to do?

For starters, I’m not going to do it again. No matter what happens. You don’t do that with friends—not if you want to keep the friendship.

But I remember her face when she and I talked about whether to tell Brianna and Levi. There was a flash of something—hurt maybe? I don’t know. All I know is that thinking about that moment, I feel bad. Ashamed. Why, I don’t know.

My thoughts are interrupted by a tap on my shoulder.

I jump, and turn to see Levi standing behind me, wearing shorts and a sweaty t-shirt. “You scared the shit out of me,” I say.

He’s got a weird look on his face. “What’s going on?”

“What do you mean?” Christ, I hope I can pull this off.

“I called you this morning, to see if you wanted to go to the gym with me.”

“Yeah? I was sleeping.”

Levi doesn’t say anything. Just looks at me.

“What?” I ask.

“I called you more than once.”

“Man, you know how much we had to drink last night.”

“You went home before I did.”

I roll my eyes and try to laugh like there’s no big deal. “Yeah, I had to get Beck home. God, she was drunk, and in a mood!”

“Yeah?” Levi’s eyebrows went up.

This might work. “Yeah, she didn’t want to go to bed.” Yes, she did. So did I. “She gave me a lot of grief.”

“That doesn’t sound like her,” Levi says.

I shrug. I’m almost home-free. I can do this, I can pull it off. No one ever needs to know that Beck and I stepped over the line.

“So you didn’t hear me calling?” he asks. Thank Christ he’s changing the subject.

“No.” I shake my head. “I was pretty passed out.” It’s finally my turn, so I step forward and give my order to the guy behind the counter. “You want something?” I ask Levi.

Levi shakes his head and holds up his water bottle. “I’m good.”

We move away from the counter to wait for my coffee.

“So, you didn’t hear any of my calls?” Levi asks.

Haven’t we been over this? “No, sorry, man. Everything okay? Why’d you call?”

“I wanted to see if you wanted to work out.”

“Not with a hangover, I don’t.” I shrug again. “I’ll stick to coffee.”

Levi crosses his arms and looks over at the counter. “It’s just weird, man.”

“What?”

“I could hear the phone in your room. Probably pissed off your neighbors.” He looks over at me. “Because I called you, like, ten or twelve times. And you slept through it all?”

I look at him. “Yeah,” I say. “I didn’t hear any of it.”

“Give me your wallet.”

“What?”

“Give it to me, Garrett.”

“Why?”

He holds out his hand, wordlessly. The girl behind the counter calls my name, so I hand him my wallet and go get my coffee. It’s strong and black.

I’m not sure it can save me.

I walk back to Levi, who’s rifling through the wallet. “Where is it?”

“What?” I say, even though I know perfectly well what he’s talking about. I can feel heat rushing to my face.

“The just-in-case. It’s not here.” There’s a world of accusation in that simple statement. “Please tell me you didn’t do what I think you did.”

I don’t say anything. How can I?

“You did.” He grabs my arms and pulls me out of the café.

“Hey, man, ease up!”

He keeps walking until we reach a part of the lobby that doesn’t have a lot of traffic, a cluster of green upholstered wingback chairs and small coffee tables. Then he rounds on me. “Where did you sleep last night?” he demands.

I debate trying to lie.

“Dude, do not lie to me. I’m your best friend, and do not lie to me.”

“Beck was so drunk, I didn’t want to leave her on her own….” My voice trails off as he crosses his arms.

“Try again,” Levi says.

“What? I couldn’t leave her alone! What if something happened?”

“So you just, you know, out of concern, ended up sleeping in her room?”

“Yes.”

“Bullshit.”

“What?”

“And this?” He holds my wallet up again.

I grab it back. There’s nothing I can say. I always have a just-in-case condom. All my friends know this. You never know when you might find yourself in need of one. That’s been my attitude for a long time—instilled in me by my dad.

We had to have the talk, because he caught me and one of my high school girlfriends fooling around in my room, both of us lacking a lot of clothing. He sent the girl—Lila—home, and then hauled me into his study, where he explained that a man, a real man, always made sure that he not only protected himself, but his partner, too. He made it clear that he didn’t expect any grandkids until many years from now. It’s your responsibility, he said. It’s what a man does. Don’t be a selfish dick.

I feel exactly the same way right now as I did then. Levi does a great impression of my dad, even if he didn’t intend to. And I have a sinking feeling I’ve been a selfish dick.

“You slept with Beck, didn’t you?”

I feel like a balloon that the air’s been let out of. There it is, right out in the open. Beck and I agreed not to tell, but….

My shoulders sag. “Yes,” I say, not looking at him.

“Dude, how could you?”

Four simple words. Devastating. He’s right. How could I?

“It just happened.” It sounds lame, but what can I do? “I didn’t mean for it to happen, and neither did she.”

Levi grabs my arm. “What are you saying?”

I look into his eyes—they’re angry, and it takes me a minute to understand his question. “No! What the fuck, Levi? You think I’d … force Beck? Or anyone?”

“You said—”

“I can’t believe you’d even have the stones to ask me that. I love Beck. I’d never do anything to hurt her.” I kick the leg of a chair. “I asked her if she was sure, like, fifteen times. I would never—”

“I’m sorry.” He runs his hands through his shaggy brown hair, then nods at me. “You’re right, I know better. But what the hell were you thinking?”

“I wasn’t. We were drunk. We just….” I shrug.

“You just what? Oops, slipped and fell into bed?”

“Well, kind of.” I’m starting to wish he’d stop talking about it, because now I’m thinking about it again. About her hair, and the way she smelled, and her body arching up to meet mine in the moonlight—

“So what happens now? You think about that?”

“Of course I did,” I say, dragging my thoughts back to the present. “We both did—you know, when we got up this morning and talked it through. Like adults do.”

Judging by his expression, Levi isn’t all that impressed with my maturity. “And?”

“Everything’s fine. We’re friends. This is a little weird, but it doesn’t change anything.”

Levi looks at me like I’ve just grown another head. “So you had a one-night stand, and she’s fine with it.”

“I wouldn’t put it like that—”

“Are you gonna start dating, or something?” He raises his eyebrows. “What happens when she reaches her expiration date, Garrett?”

I wince. “No, we’re not gonna start dating. I wouldn’t do that to Beck.”

“Well, you seem to be checking items off the things you wouldn’t do to Beck list, so—”

“Zip it,” I snap. “It was a drunk thing, and it won’t happen again. We talked about it and agreed. Nothing changes.”

He presses his lips together and put his hands on his hips; looks at me, then away. His shoulders start to shake.

Is he having a seizure or something? “Levi, you okay?”

When he looks back at me, he’s laughing. Silently, but definitely laughing. He tries to speak, then loses it and lets out a giant whoop of laughter.

Okay, what the fuck? Seriously.

I punch him in the arm. “Cut it out.”

He wipes actual tears off his face, still chuckling despite the punch, which I know damn well hurt. “You are so fucking stupid, Garrett.”

“No, I’m not. Beck and I talked, and everything’s fine. We’re friends. We were friends yesterday, and we’re still friends today. Just because we….”

“Banged like rabbits?”

“Whatever, asshole. We’re both adults. Shit happens sometimes. so last night some shit happened. But it’s fine.”

“You’re delusional,” Levi says.

Now I’m irritated. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. We’re fine. Why would we be anything else?”

He’s not laughing anymore. “Oh, I don’t know. Because there’s lines you don’t cross, and you crossed them?”

“You’re wrong. It’ll be fine.”

He looks at me for what seems like a long time, then relents. “Let’s get cleaned up for brunch,” he says, and turns to walk to the elevator. I follow him, and when we get on, it’s just the two of us. I put the button for the ninth floor.

Levi turns to me. “So … I’m sorry, but I gotta ask, man. How was it?”

I groan.

“Oh, shit.”

“It was….” I remember her in the moonlight. Laughing. Her mouth. My mouth. “It was fucking amazing.”

Levi shakes his head again. “You’re so fucked.”

“You’re so wrong.”

I know I’m right about this. We talked. She was fine when I left. We’re friends—best friends. Why would I be fucked? We were honest with each other, like you are with your best friend. Like I just was with Levi, even though I didn’t want to be.

Everything will be fine.

But when we step off the elevator, Levi’s phone pings. When he checks it his face gets grim. “We gotta go,” he says.

“What?”

“It’s Bri. She said Beck’s really sick. They both want to go home.”

I feel a trickle of unease in my stomach. “Damn. What’s wrong with her?”

“Bri just says she’s sick, and they want to go home.” He shrugs. “Do you think—”

“No.” I shake my head. “No, I told you, we’re fine.”

“Okay, well, I’m not planning to grill them about it. Even if it’s not related to … you know. What if it’s, like, something to do with periods? No thanks.”

“Good point. Let me pack up real quick, and I’ll take care of the hotel. Shit, I need to cancel the reservations tonight, too.” I made plans for us to have a more laid-back dinner at a small place where my dad knows the chef. He’s been a family friend for a long time, and I thought it would be a nice contrast to the fancy dinner last night. I don’t want to leave him hanging.

“Okay. I’ll text Bri back and let her know we can go as soon as you’re ready.”

It doesn’t take long to straighten everything out. Forty-five minutes, maybe an hour later, and I’m in hell.

I look in the rearview mirror. Beck sits in the back with Brianna, looking out the window, not talking. It’s not like her not to take part in the conversation, and I can tell that she’s upset. I know her well enough that I can actually feel it—feel her unhappiness in the seat behind me.

Levi and Brianna keep a conversation. I want to be part of it—show that everything’s okay, everything’s fine—but I’m too weighed down by the unhappiness emanating from the back seat.

I thought she was fine. I thought we were fine.

The ride is excruciating. The longer it takes, the more apparent it is that Beck and I are, in fact, not fine.

When I stop in front of her house, she says a quiet goodbye, hugging Brianna and saying something to Levi. I get out and go back to help her get her bag out of the trunk.

“Thanks for thinking of this trip,” she says, not looking at me. “I’m sorry I ruined it.”

“You didn’t ruin anything,” I say quickly. “Nothing is ruined, Beck. It’s all good.”

She nods almost imperceptibly. Then she walks around the car, leans in to say one last thing to Levi and Brianna, and goes around the side of her house to let herself in the back.

I watch her go with my heart in my throat.