CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
The warmth of Harvey’s hands on Skye’s back appeased her as she cried. She couldn’t remember Vance’s arms feeling like that. Couldn’t remember them soothing her, taking her in rather than pushing her away. She couldn’t remember Vance’s scent (Harvey’s was a mixture of paint and aftershave and soap). She couldn’t remember the sound of Vance’s breath, never compared it to music, the way Harvey’s breathing was downright rhythmic.
She wanted to stay in Harvey’s arms forever. And yet she felt embarrassed about going there in the first place.
“I’m sorry,” she said as she yanked herself away and sniffled, trying to control her tears. “I just . . . I needed a friend.”
“You don’t need to be sorry,” said Harvey. “And I am your friend.” He waited for her to finish calming herself, and then he asked, “Is there anything you want to talk about? No pressure. I just want you to know you can if you want to.”
Yes, she wanted to talk. She wanted to collapse herself into him—his heart, his breath, his voice.
He went to the sofa and sat at one end. Skye followed him and sat at the other. “What happened at work today?”
“Not at work, after work. I found out that my job isn’t as secure as I thought it was.”
“You seemed to be doing really well,” said Harvey.
“I was. I am,” she corrected. “But the store isn’t. It might not be around much longer.”
Harvey raised his eyebrows. “Devlin’s is closing?”
“They don’t know for sure yet,” she said. “I wasn’t supposed to say anything, so please don’t tell anyone. But you needed to know. This changes my standing here.”
“I won’t say a word,” said Harvey. “As for your standing, I’m not going to put you out on the street or anything.”
Harvey faced her, looking at her intently, to the point where she had to avert her own glance. Had any man ever looked at her with such focus and attention? Was that what male friends did? She’d never really had any—at least none with whom she was this close, both physically and emotionally. She averted her glance because she loved him. She loved when he looked at her, and she didn’t want him to know.
“Skye, is going back to Rhode Island really not an option?” he asked. “You just don’t seem to be happy here.”
She darted her eyes at him. “What are you saying?”
“I’m saying maybe it’s not worth showing Vance up.”
She was on Vance’s doorstep again. Another rejection.
“You think I’m not happy here?” she said. “You haven’t been paying attention.”
“Look, I’m not saying I want you gone. Are you afraid to face your family and friends? Because they’re a pretty lousy bunch of people if they’d do anything other than welcome you back with open arms and love you through this crisis.”
Skye leapt to her feet. “How dare you talk about my friends and family that way!”
“You talk about them that way—if you mention them at all. I haven’t seen you call or reach out to them. And if they’ve not reached out to you, then what the hell kind of friends are they?”
She thought of how she’d shut down Summer, refused to call her parents, had been evasive with Sabrina and Cam and Rory and everyone except Julie. Harvey was right. She was the one who kept berating herself, kept repeating I told you so. And she could have had Patrick as a friend had she not shut him down too.
“Harvey, have you ever been so ashamed of yourself that you could barely look in the mirror, much less face your friends and family?”
He didn’t respond, but his expression was one of empathy.
She continued. “I had become so unhappy in Rhode Island. So tired of the same old thing. I turned thirty-six and it was as if my life had flashed before my eyes, and all I saw was a life that had never really stacked up. Then this guy paid me a compliment, and we got to chatting, and when he told me he lived in Montana . . . it was so easy to build a fantasy. Day by day, he paid me another compliment, told me how welcome I would be here, how appreciated I would be. He played upon every vulnerability I had. I wanted to prove that I could be adventurous. That I could chase my dreams of being in love and being someplace larger than life.”
Harvey’s eyes became dark, as if he’d been transported someplace else.
“Skye, I do know what it’s like. The same guy who screwed you also screwed me. But whereas you believed every word he said, ironically, my mistake was that I didn’t believe a word he said. When Deb left me for Vance, I wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out. I was so damn embarrassed. Worse still, the kids blamed me for their mom leaving. Or rather, my son did. My daughter is just trying to please everyone by not talking about it, and I don’t know what to do about that.”
“So what did you do?” asked Skye.
“Got out of bed. Every day. Made a new plan. Decided to take control of my life by doing things that replenished my sense of self-worth if not my bank account. But it’s not all there yet. I miss my kids. God, you have no idea how badly I miss my kids.” He wiped a tear. “Skye, if you want to stay here, then great. If you want to prove to yourself what you’re capable of, then do it for the right reasons. Not to prove something to Vance or me or anyone else in your life. Do it to prove to yourself that you’re worthy of greatness. Do it for you and only you.”
Do it for me. She had tried to convince Summer and Julie and others that she was moving to Montana for herself. But she wasn’t. She was running away from herself.
Skye sat down and put her head on Harvey’s shoulder and again felt the surge of current when he put his arm around her and gently squeezed. She inhaled the scent of his skin. She wanted to spend eternity in that moment.
“Therapy worked wonders for you.”
He chuckled. “It’s helped. I’ve got a long way to go.”
As if her voice had a mind of its own, she blurted, “Have you dated anyone since your divorce?” She flushed with embarrassment the moment the words spilled out and Harvey abruptly let go. She covered her mouth. “Oh God, I didn’t mean—”
“Not really,” he said, seemingly unfazed by the intrusion and abrupt tangent. “I’ve not yet shaken the doubt that I’m good company.”
“I think you are.” He looked at her with curiosity. Her self-consciousness finally kicking in, Skye backpedaled. “I mean, you’re a good roommate and I like working with you.”
Harvey stifled a smile. “I appreciate that,” he said. “And I’m sorry if I upset you. I just want you to know that if you want to go home, I’ll fully support you in any way I can.”
Home—the first image that came to her was trees: snow-lined in winter, green and fresh and new in spring, fluttery and carefree in summer, and lustrous gold and auburn and red in autumn. Montana had trees of course—the Billings neighborhoods were full of them, green and lush, although she had yet to see their ranges from season to season. But trees in New England seemed more like neighbors. Their branches would wave at you like arms, their leaves applauding as you passed under them. They hovered over backstreets like canopies. The closer you got to the open water in Newport and Narragansett, the more stunted the treetops became, and the air changed from suburban to salty.
She’d never been a tree hugger before. Barely took notice of or interest in any kind of tree other than the fake one she erected every Christmas season, when she had her first coveted day off following the insanity that the Black Friday weekend had been over the years. And yet, in that split second, she yearned to be surrounded by New England trees. Hugged by them. She wanted to know the different types specific to Rhode Island. She yearned to inhale that salty air as she dipped her toes in the water and let her hair go frizzy in the breeze. She yearned for people.
She could go home.
Or . . .
“Thank you, Harvey. That’s incredibly generous of you. But I think I need to stay here for a little while.”
WHAT IN THE WORLD AM I SAYING???
“You sure?”
No!
“There’s going to be a thing at the metaphysical bookstore next week about feng shui. I thought I’d check it out.”
Stay in Billings just to catch a bookstore event? Couldn’t she learn about feng shui via Wikipedia?
No. It wasn’t just about that. She wanted to decide for herself whether she wanted to stay.
And she wanted to be close to Harvey.
“Well, I’m glad,” said Harvey. “I think if you give Billings a chance, you’d really like it. I know it’s better having you around.” Harvey didn’t try to suppress the smile this time. Let it out completely, which made Skye smile, and she felt her face flush again, only not from embarrassment.
She kissed him on the cheek. “Good night, Harvey.” She returned to her bedroom, tucked herself and Chip in, extra snug in the very thought of Harvey’s arms around her.