CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Falls Church, VA
Thursday, 3:30 a.m.
THAT BREATHY EXHALATION REMINDED SCOTT that Valerie was super techie-smart and he was nothing but a foul-mouthed grunt who’d had to bust his ass for a GED while behind bars. Okay, maybe he was a slightly enlightened grunt—he did read a lot now, and he had earned his Associate’s degree in the Corps—but a ground-pounder nonetheless.
His dad had beaten that into him well and good.
There had been moments in his younger days, glimmers of promise, when The Dick had seemed to care. Days when he was more sober than drunk, or things had gone his way, when the man had shown a modicum of interest in Scott. Just enough to tantalize, like a distant oasis that promises water only to reveal itself as a mirage.
But Scott had finally given up his childhood dreams of having a loving father. Probably the day his dad had literally stomped all over his science project.
“You think you’re smarter than me? That you can ‘be something?’” The Dick’s big foot landed squarely on top of the first miniature bridge, crushing it with the lug sole of his steel-toed boot. “You’re nothing, boy. Nothing. You hear me?” Crunch. The second bridge collapsed.
Scott tackled his dad, thrusting his shoulder into the man’s soft belly. “Stop it! Stop it!” His sobs rendered his attack ineffective as his body collapsed under his dad’s strong push and he fell to his butt on the scuffed linoleum.
The Dick waited for Scott to look up before he smashed the final bridge with a triumphant smirk. Then his face darkened and he straddled Scott, lifting him to his feet by his collar, tearing his T-shirt in the process. “You are nothing,” he said in a low voice full of menace. “You will always be nothing. Don’t you forget it.”
Scott hated how he trembled, how little control he had over his own body. “Yes, sir,” he said with as much of a voice as he could muster.
The man shoved him away, and Scott stumbled before catching himself against the wall. “You’re on dinner duty for the rest of the week. Your mom isn’t feeling well.”
Of course not. His dad had beaten her so badly she couldn’t move.
Even worse than his father’s attack was the look on his science teacher’s face when Scott told her he had blown off the project. He had lost the respect of one of the few people in his life who had believed in him.
Any lingering dreams of college had died the day he pulled the trigger.
But he could imagine Valerie on a red-brick campus complete with ivy climbing the walls, maybe not partying with the frat boys, but turning their heads. Unless she had always dressed in shirts that fit like garbage bags.
“You said you studied materials engineering.” He knew so little about her and wanted to know it all.
“That was my plan.” A nervous laugh burst from her lips, and she gave him a self-conscious glance. “I liked chemistry.”
Of course she did. “How’d you end up working as a hacker then?”
She looked down and tapped her fingers lightly over the keys without actually striking. “I dropped out during my freshman year.”
Her computer’s fan shut off. A clock on the wall ticked nervously, loud in the yawning silence. Scott didn’t move a millimeter.
Valerie lifted one shoulder and tilted her head. “After that, hacking was the only skill I had, and even though I tried to deny it, I enjoyed it. There’s an illicit thrill in solving the puzzle, breaking in.” She stroked the keyboard absently. “Also, I think I secretly hoped working as a white hat might make up for my past crimes. I was naive enough to believe they wouldn’t follow me.”
But you could never really outrun your past, could you? “Why’d you quit school?” he pried.
Valerie frowned but didn’t answer.
“Partied a little too hard, huh?” he teased, hoping to lighten the mood.
Her wan smile did nothing to alleviate the growing turmoil in his gut. “Something like that,” she said, her voice flat.
“Hey.”
She met his gaze.
His heart stopped at the depth of anguish in her eyes. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed.” He forcibly relaxed his posture and leaned against the counter. “I’ll quit interrupting your work.”
“Do you miss Montana?” she fired at him in a head-spinning change of direction as she crossed her arms.
Quid pro quo. Was that what she wanted? Fine then. He took a deep breath. “Some parts of it,” he said. If he wanted her to dredge up the unhappy and painful parts of her past, this was only fair. “We lived pretty far out of town, surrounded by mountains. I miss the billions of stars in the night sky, a hundred times brighter than you’ve ever seen in the city. When I was a teenager, I’d escape outside to sleep under the Milky Way. Nothing on earth makes you feel as insignificant as knowing every prick of light is a sun or a planet. It was liberating to realize how inconsequential we all are in the scheme of things.”
And apparently the memories had liberated his mouth far too much.
“It sounds beautiful,” she said with a sympathetic head tilt. “I’d love to see stars like that one day.”
I’d love to show them to you.
Her face softened, the line of worry between her brows easing. “For me it was clouds. I’d lie on the rotting lounge chair in my aunt and uncle’s little yard and watch them pass overhead, always changing, moving like ocean waves on glass.”
“Sounds nice”
“It was,” she said. “Have you been back? To Montana?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Because as much as I love it, I hate it too. If anything good happened to me there, I don’t remember it.”
She frowned and flipped a cracker over and over with her fingers. “That’s how I feel about Texas, except my life there was fine. Right up until it wasn’t.”
He nodded and reached for her hand. “What happened at school?” he asked softly.
The heat kicked on, rattling the vent overhead, and Valerie curled her hand into his, staring at his pale fingers intertwined with her light brown ones. “I went out with this guy Tim a couple of times, but there was no…spark, I guess, so I turned him down for a third date.”
“And he didn’t take it well.”
Her head shook. “No. Not well at all.” She bit her lower lip and stared at the countertop for several moments before continuing. “He started following me around campus, showing up outside my classes.” Her gaze met his. “Surreptitiously taking pictures.”
Ah, hell. “I never wanted to hurt or intimidate you, V. You know that, right?”
“Yes.” She squeezed his hand and smiled. “I’m not mad.”
Until she gave it, he didn’t even realize how much he’d been waiting for that acquittal. “What happened with Tim?”
She let out a long breath. “He escalated.” Her hand moved in an insolent arc. “Unwanted pizza deliveries that I didn’t have the money for, calls in the middle of the night that woke me and my poor roommate. The last straw was when he posted an ad on my behalf on an unofficial school dating forum.”
Scott’s heart plummeted.
“It detailed all kinds of sex acts that I would supposedly do for money and included my dorm room and phone number, along with a photo,” she said, her voice as emotionless as if she were reading out her grocery list.
“Fuck.”
“That was definitely on the list.” Her smile didn’t reach her eyes.
“Jesus, Valerie.” He wanted to strangle the bastard with his bare hands. “What about the police?”
She shook her head. “They couldn’t prove it was him.”
Of course not. “So you left.”
“No. I hacked his computer and found videos of him and his fraternity buddies at a party. They were coercing new recruits to put something into girls’ drinks and then have sex with the girls. I sent the videos from his email to the dean of the university and the campus police department. Then I changed his password so only the cops could get into his computer.” She removed her hand from Scott’s and crossed her arms. “Then I left.”
“Holy shit. Remind me not to get on your bad side again.”
She gave a sharp nod and grinned like the Devil. “Damn straight.”
Two hours later, Valerie stared at her computer in dismay. She was in, but she had nothing. Oh, she had known not to get her hopes up, known Duncan would have attempted to cover his tracks. But she’d hoped anyway. Had counted on being smarter than him, counted on him making a mistake along the way that she could swoop in and exploit.
But no matter how many times she scoured Aggressor’s servers, there was nothing to find.
Nothing accessible from the network, anyway.
Now it was after five in the morning and she was depleted. After weeks of setting traps to get to this point, all her work had been pointless.
“Happy Thanksgiving,” Scott said in a sardonic tone as he set a mug filled with coffee, along with the hazelnut creamer and the sugar bowl, on the counter in front of her. “Anything to be thankful for yet?”
Just you. “Not a goddamned thing.” She pushed away from her laptop and stalked to the far side of the living room to peer through the blinds at the dark sky. The faint glow of city lights tinged the edges of the horizon, obliterating all but the brightest stars. Tears of frustration clawed at the back of her eyelids like angry cats and she let the aluminum blinds fall shut with a dull tink. “He wiped everything.”
“Hollowell?”
She faced Scott and blinked to regain control, releasing a long, shuddering breath. Tears would help nothing. She’d learned that lesson long ago. “Him or someone working for him. Either way…”
There had to be something in this place that she could kick.
Scott nodded, unaware of the rash anger simmering behind her fists, his face impassive. “Okay.”
“Okay?” she lashed out, regretting her accusatory tone even as the words dropped from her lips. “That’s all you have to say? Okay?” She pointed to her laptop and marched toward him. All the anger she didn’t even realize she had built up since her dad died whipped itself into a raging tornado. “Getting into Aggressor’s systems was our best hope, our last hope for getting the evidence. And you just stand there like everything’s fine and say, ‘Okay’?
“Fuck that.” She trembled, part of her standing apart from her own body, watching in horror as she railed at Scott for doing nothing more than…doing nothing. “Fuck your unshakeable calm.” Her voice came out too loud in the small, quiet space, stretched tight like an overfilled balloon. “How about you drop the Mr. Cool act and show me how you really feel? For once, could you do that?” Her fists clenched, and she shook one at him across the counter. “Show me that you feel something!”
He stared at her in silence, his sole reaction a twitching jaw muscle.
The heat shut off with a click, dropping them into tomb-like quiet. The only sounds were the humming of the refrigerator, her harsh breaths, and her heart pounding in her ears.
Oh, God, what had she done?
“I’m pretty sure,” he finally said, his voice even and low as he met her gaze, blue eyes blazing, “I’ve been clear that I feel something for you.”
She swallowed and the damn tears welled up again. A nod was all she could muster. She knew as well as anybody how much it cost to give away your emotions.
He reached across the dull Formica and held out his hands, palms up. Slowly, she unclenched her fists and laid her hands on his, more grateful than she could say for the contact.
“You think I’m not reeling from this? That I’m not disappointed? I am.” He caressed the sensitive skin of her palms with his thumbs. “There’s a part of me right now that wants to raze this fucking city to the ground just to get at Hollowell and make him pay for what he’s done to both of us, to this country. I’ve dreamed of hiding out in his neighbor’s tree, sighting him through the scope of my Barrett, and watching him fall as I pull the trigger. Worse,” he said, his voice harsh. “I’ve dreamed of much worse.”
Her eyes widened at his confession. Not because he scared her—if he’d planned to kill Duncan in cold blood, he could have easily done it by now—but because he’d never shown any sign of his anger. She thought he’d been letting it all roll off his back somehow.
Scott scowled. “I feel everything, Valerie. But I couldn’t survive in my house, in juvie, or on the outs in the Marines by wearing my heart on my sleeve. And I’m afraid…” He gripped her hands and broke eye contact, staring at a spot on the counter between them. “If I focus on how you and I have been wronged, if I work myself into a frenzy over every obstacle that blocks our path—”
Abruptly, he released her and retreated, pointing to his chest. “My dad’s blood is pumping inside of me, waiting, just waiting for me to lose control and unleash that fury. I can’t afford to give in to my anger. Not now. Not ever.”
“I’m sorry,” she managed to choke out. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to take it out on you. That was unfair.
“I don’t know if the way you clamp down on your feelings is healthy or not,” she continued, moving toward the end of the counter, “but I admire your composure.” Another step. “I envy your control.” He watched her with a steady, heated gaze as she rounded the breakfast bar and entered the kitchen to stand before him. “Your calm is one of your greatest strengths.” She took a deep breath. “It’s one of the reasons I love you.”
Scott’s heart kicked even as his eyebrows rose and his jaw went slack. Did she just say…?
If he wasn’t so shocked by her declaration, he might have laughed. After all of her button pushing, she had finally gotten him to show some emotion.
Based on her quiet gasp and red cheeks, she’d surprised herself too.
Had she meant it, or was she just using an expression to make a point?
Feeling shaky but invigorated, he placed his hands on either side of her, bracing them on the sharp-edged counter. Her brown eyes sparkled, and he smiled, unable to hold it back. She licked her lips and glanced at his mouth.
Leaning in close, he caught the little catch in her breath as their cheeks brushed and he spoke quietly in her ear. “What are the other reasons?”
A tiny laugh escaped her lips, her soft exhalation sending shivers down his neck as she pushed him away. “Don’t be an ass.”
He straightened and caught her gaze, dropping his grin. Everything that mattered to him suddenly rode on this moment. “Did you mean it?”
The blush spread up her neck and across her face like a wildfire, but she maintained eye contact with a defiant jut of her chin. “Yes.”
All the breath rushed from him and his knees turned weak. He wanted to beg her to say it again. However many times it took for him to believe her.
He clamped his mouth shut.
“I know it’s too soon, and this isn’t real life, and God knows what’s going to happen.” She captured her lower lip between her teeth. “And I don’t expect you to feel the same way—”
Scott cut her off with a gentle kiss, fighting the urge to take it deeper. “Were you not paying attention last night when you were looking at my pictures?” He skimmed his fingers across her cheek and let himself get lost in her gaze. “I was sure I’d given away my secret.”
She gave a small shake of her head and her lips parted enticingly.
“You scare the shit out of me,” he said, his pulse going wild as he shed his defenses layer by layer.
“I do?” She frowned. “Why?”
His short laugh rang of desperation. “Because I’ve built my life around keeping people at bay. My whole career was based on hiding in plain sight. Letting you in makes me feel too…exposed. Like a target in someone else’s scope.” He swallowed hard. “And, like you said, this isn’t real life. If I give you my heart and then you walk away after we win this thing…”
As if he hadn’t already handed over his heart, his soul, and every other part of himself on a platter.
“I was wrong,” she said, laying her palms against his chest, causing his blood to leap in response. “This is real life. It might not be normal, but maybe it’s better.”
“How’s that?”
“I know things about you that it would take months to learn if we were dating like normal people.”
Something they never would have done. “Like what? I’ve been watching you for almost a month. I have some idea of who you are when you think no one’s watching, but you’ve only known me a few days.” Which made this whole scenario even more ridiculous.
Her hands slid up his pecs, across his shoulders, and down to his biceps, creating a delicious trail of heat. “You’re loyal, intelligent, respectful, reliable, and patient.”
Warmth flooded his body at her praise, even as a sliver of doubt niggled at his brain. After all, she was a master manipulator. But what reason would she have to toy with him now? He’d already agreed to stay. Was she trying to seal the deal?
Christ. Was his self-esteem so low that he couldn’t believe a woman like Valerie would love him? At some point he had to choose whether he trusted her. And his own judgment.
He had to go all in or walk away.
“You could be describing a dog,” he said with a mock frown.
She laughed, her beautiful face shining. “You smell far better. And you’re potty trained.”
“Mostly.”
Valerie grinned and kissed him softly, slowly breaking through the last of his defenses until he let her in and their tongues danced eagerly, stoking his inner fire like a puff of air on a new flame.
“You’re a much better kisser, too,” she said against his mouth.
His chest swelled on a laugh, and he knew he was done for. Walking away was out of the question. All in it is.
Her eyes shone with love and desire as he cradled her face in his hands.
You might hurt her. He dismissed the notion this time. Hadn’t he proven repeatedly since he left juvie that he wasn’t his dad? That he wouldn’t explode no matter how angry? Moments ago, Valerie had tried like hell to get a reaction out of him, and he hadn’t even thought of lashing out. Maybe The Dick didn’t lurk within him after all.
Scott had passed every test. Now it was time for his reward.
He took a deep breath and stroked his thumbs across her soft cheeks. “I love you.”