Now

Evan

“TWO AND A HALF fucking years, Van. I looked everywhere for you. I called in every favor trying to find you, but nothing. Then, not even twenty-four hours home from my honeymoon and I get a call that you’re back. What the fuck?” Ry’s voice is tight as he lets out a ragged breath and roughly scrubs a hand down his face.

“I’m trying real hard to give you a chance because the man I knew wouldn’t do that. The man I knew wouldn’t have left without a word, and he wouldn’t have snuck back into the city without calling me. I don’t see that guy here and I miss him. I want him back. This is it, man, you better start talking now.”

His rage is palpable. I’m used to his anger, have seen it many times, but never, and I mean never has it been aimed at me.

Hanging my head, I inhale deeply. It’s hard to face him, to see his anger, disappointment, and disgust at me. Next to Carys, Ry’s the one I’m closest to. He’s like a brother to me, and he’s my best friend.

My stomach tightens with regret for all the shit I put them through. I’m fucking selfish. My actions, the way I’ve handled this—it’s been all about me. I wanted to get to the bottom of it, but I also wanted to preserve their love and respect for me. I was so worried about losing them that my actions may have caused that very thing. I may have pushed them too far and lost my chance to make any of this right.

“I’m fucking sorry, Ry. I truly am. I have no excuse, nothing that’s going to sit well with you. I owe you more. I had to do something, and at the time, my actions were best for everyone.”

Before I can go on, he interjects, “What the fuck did you have to do? Did you even think about Ma? Did you think about what your disappearance would do to her? You’re her son. Do you know how many times she asked if I’d heard anything? Or how many times she stayed after Mass or visited Father John to pray for your sorry ass? I won’t even fucking talk about what you did to Carys.”

Feeling under fire and unprepared, I deliberately don’t answer his first question.

“Ry, I feared for your sister’s safety, for Ma’s and yours,” I say, sharing my greatest fear and what drove my actions throughout all these years.

He tenses, his hard eyes boring into mine, as his silence encourages me to continue. “I did what I had to. You’d have tried to talk me out of it if I’d told you. I had to do it, and nothing was going to change my mind.”

“Stop talking in fucking riddles and tell me,” he says.

Picking up a bottle of JD, I pour two fingers, hand it to him, and pour one for me.

“Now, Van. Talk, or I promise you right here and now, as sure as Carys is my sister, I’ll walk out that door and never fucking look back.”

“Ry.” It comes out harsher than I intend with feeling cornered and anxious at the prospect of losing him all over again, although that possibility may be inevitable once I tell him everything.

“Talk.” He’s unmoved by my hesitancy. He wants answers.

“I left because Shadow went missing,” I start. He nods—he already knows this—and I continue to buy time. “I’d sent him on a mission without giving him all the details. I heard something while on another job and I needed someone to check it out. It had to be on the down low.”

Shadow was my best man for that—his name said it all. In our squadron, he was the best at recon, and that was saying a lot because all of us were highly skilled in reconnaissance, among other things. He could sneak up on the enemy without them knowing. He blended with the shadows, and you never knew he was there.

“Get to the point, Van.”

I take one gulp, and the liquor burns my throat but then sits warm and satisfying within me.

“When a week passed after one of our scheduled check-ins, I knew something was wrong and I was the only one who knew where to look. I wasn’t going to send another man in. The people we’re talking about don’t mess around. If they found out Shadow was snooping, they’d go after his family.”

For now, I don’t bother to mention the mafia and that it wasn’t the threat to me, but rather to Carys, Ma, and him that concerned me. There was no way I could keep them safe because I was willing to do anything to find the truth, even if that meant exposure or death.

“Turned out, Shadow was fine. He’d gone dark because he’d spotted an informant who could blow his cover. It wasn’t safe to check in. I got him out, but once I was in, I knew I had to see it through.”

He’s sitting on a kitchen chair, and his leg bounces as he flexes his toes. He’s on edge, and based on his expression, what I’ve given him isn’t enough.

“Keep talking, Van. I’m getting sick and tired of this. It’s like pulling teeth. None of this explains why you left. What the hell are you going to say to Ma and Carys when you see them? Do you think that’s gonna wash?”

“I’ve already seen them.”

“What?” He abruptly stands, his eyes narrowing into slits, cutting me like a razor’s edge. “What the fuck?”

“I saw them tonight.” I stand, too, waiting for the news to sink in, while I prepare for his reaction.

“You fucking dumbass, why? Why didn’t you come to me first? We could have gone to them together. How’d it go?” Ry’s always the protector, especially when it comes to his family.

With a smirk, I reply, “Better and worse than I expected. Your sister is ticked at me, and Ma’s thrilled to have me home. I had dinner with her and then you picked up my tail, not even a block from there.”

“Fuck.” He shakes his head at me in displeasure. “I thought you were scoping the joint. I never thought you’d be dumb enough to go in.”

“Yeah, well, you and I both know I’m not particularly smart where your sister is concerned.”

He sits with a slight twitch to the corner of his mouth. Is that a smile? Placing his arms on his knees, he hangs his head and stares at the carpet. Silence covers us like a heavy, uncomfortable blanket. It’s so thick with regret, shame, and resentment that it’s suffocating.

Wanting to end it, I plow forward. “I gotta say, your girl, Tate—she’s beautiful. You were so fucking happy at your wedding. Never thought I’d see the day that Rylan Wolfe settled down. I thought you’d be married to the FBI.”

“You were there?” He charges me.

My first instinct is to take him out, but I fight it, fight all my years of training and just stand there. In slow motion, his fist connects, hard, with my face. Even knowing the blow is coming, it doesn’t soften the impact of his knuckles cracking against my jaw and cheekbone. God dammit, he always had a mean hook. It fucking hurts, but I deserve it.

Swiftly setting up his next swing, he stalls, dropping his fist with a growl when it’s obvious I’m not going to fight back. Never. Fuck, I missed him.

“Van,” he roars, aggravation and pain etching his face. His turmoil slices through me. “Why? Make me understand. I looked for you. I wanted you as my best man at my wedding. Why watch it from the fucking sidelines? Why break my sister’s heart? I know you love her more than anything, so why the fuck did you do this?”

Turning his back on me, he walks several feet away. A worthless piece of shit is what I am. I never meant to cause them so much pain. In this moment, I don’t feel any better than my father—a man I used to worship but now loathe.

I decide to take a leap. He deserves the truth, and now is the time. Ry’s always been there for me, no matter what. Why not put the faith he has in me to the test? I nod for him to sit and I tell him everything.