Chapter Twenty-Four
Bea’s feet slammed onto the pavement as she pushed her legs harder, faster down the street, her mind fighting to stay clear and her body fighting for oxygen. She had probably added another half mile to her routine every day, forcing her body to accept the punishment. Hoping it would keep her from dwelling on how screwed up her life had become.
A month had passed since Zane left the States.
An entire month. And she hadn’t heard from him once.
Not that she had expected to. Not after she’d bitten his head off about needing space. She just hadn’t expected him to leave before they could fix the situation.
You are such an idiot, Bea Paxton.
After all, why would he bother coming back? She had pretty much told him she wasn’t ready for a relationship. Even though she had changed her mind about that weeks ago, he didn’t know it. And she hadn’t dared to even look up the ETI London office phone number because she was terrified to have him hang up on her if she called.
Hopelessness and misery were her constant companions these days.
Before Zane, she had been content with nothing more than casual sex, because she had been convinced there was no one out there worth giving up her freedom for. Someone who would make casual sex seem empty and unsatisfying.
Then one day, she’d gone paintballing.
And her whole world had changed.
Now, she knew the kind of better that was out there. Now, everything before Zane seemed meaningless. Now, it was as if she were starving for him, but the only thing she had to eat was tofu.
Now, she was considering taking a job in London.
Everything felt upside down and backward, and she was kicking to the surface, desperate for air.
Nothing else in her life seemed to matter much anymore, not even Paxton Designs. With Zane halfway across the world, she couldn’t find the effort to care about anything except running—the only thing that cleared her head, at least for a little while.
In early November, she and Felicity traveled to Atlanta for a four-day design convention. The event was a great opportunity to make new contacts, but she could hardly muster the will to shake hands with people. Thus breaking one of her cardinal rules. She had always sworn that she would never allow her personal life to affect her professional one, no matter what was going on with her.
So much for that idealistic nonsense.
When she walked into their hotel room after her run, it was clear that Felicity had reached the limits of her patience. Bea managed to make it into the shower without getting pounced on, but after she came out there was no escaping her sister.
“All right, I wasn’t going to say anything,” Felicity began, confronting her with her hands on her hips. “I told myself to stay out of it and let you come to your senses on your own, but I can’t take it anymore. Nothing’s changed, and I’m getting really sick of this zombie trip that you’ve been in since Zane left. I’m putting an end to it right now.”
Bea masked the effect of hearing Zane’s name by taking long pulls of her water bottle. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
Felicity rolled her eyes. “Don’t deflect. You’ve never been able to hide things from me. Besides, we live together, so I know how little you leave your room when you get home from work. I know how mopey you’ve been ever since the Envision Tech launch. And I also know how little you’ve been eating and how often you’ve been working out. You’ve lost weight, Bea, and frankly, you’re starting to scare me.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. I—”
Her sister held up her hand to cut her off. “The time has come for me to light a fire under your ass. I probably should have said this weeks ago, but I’m saying it now.”
Bea capped her water bottle with a frustrated grunt. “What?”
Felicity turned to fully face her with her most stern face, forcing Bea to hold her gaze and wait for the proverbial ball to drop. “Shit or get off the pot, big sister.”
She had no idea how to respond to that. Felicity being all direct was a rare thing.
“I’m serious,” Felicity continued, walking over to sit beside Bea on the bed. “I know it’s because Zane went back to London. You have not been handling it well. What happened between you two, anyway?”
Bea felt her eyes water, but she didn’t want to shed more tears. She had already cried enough over him. “Work’s just had me a little more stressed lately. It has nothing to do with Zane.”
“Bullshit,” Felicity spat out. “I’m not blind or stupid. You’ve never acted like this before. Talk to me. Tell me what happened.”
Bea felt her walls crumbling down, and she was too tired to hold them up anymore. With her eyes squeezed shut and tears starting to roll down her cheeks, she whispered, “He’s gone. He left me.”
She confessed the entire story with Felicity’s arms wrapped around her. How their relationship had begun and progressed, how she’d felt about him, and finally ending with their fateful argument in the stockroom when he’d offered her a job and a chance to be with him, and she’d thrown it back in his face. She had always been the “your feelings will always be there tomorrow, so why not wait and deal with them then” type. But confiding in her sister offered her a world of relief, despite the pain of rehashing all her conflicting emotions.
“You haven’t heard from him since he left?” Felicity asked after Bea finished regurgitating the events of the last few months.
She shook her head. “No. He clearly doesn’t want to see me, let alone talk to me.”
Felicity took her hand and squeezed. “Bea, if he loves you as much as you love him, he’s probably just as miserable as you are.”
Her whole body tensed at that one terrifying, wonderful word.
“Oh, come on,” Felicity chided. “You just told me how horrible your life is now that he’s gone. How you would basically do anything to get him back. Yet you balk at the L-word? Really?”
“I just… Damn. I’ve never said it out loud, I guess.”
“Well, look at yourself.” Felicity waved her hand at Bea’s slumped form. “You’re a mess. And you’ve lost all motivation for pretty much anything, without Zane around. If that isn’t love, I don’t know what is.”
Bea found it in herself to chuckle at that. “Maybe.”
“You should get his number from Peter, call him, and tell him everything you just told me. That you made a huge mistake and you understand why he left, but that he deserves to know how you really feel.”
“Yeah, and then what?” Bea asked her. “He lives in London. He never said he was coming back. What if he’s decided he wasted his time with me, and telling him everything just makes my pain worse?”
Felicity’s eyes softened. “I don’t think that’s how love works, sweetie. If he feels the same way, he can’t just toss his feelings aside and forget about you.”
Bea stood up and started pacing around the room, needing to move, to clear her head. Maybe she was overreacting about the whole thing. Maybe she was just fine on her own, and she just needed a little more time to get back in the swing of things. The way they used to be.
Or maybe she was just being a coward because she was afraid of getting her heart broken again.
Too late.
He’d left. Her heart was already broken.
Because it was over with Zane.
No, it’s not. Because you know deep down that you didn’t try hard enough to keep him.
That brain of hers could be a snarky little bitch.
“What happens if I start to feel claustrophobic again?” she asked. “He likes to control things. And people. I mean, he wanted me to move to London. What if he starts taking over my life like Evan did, and before long I don’t recognize myself? I can’t lose my identity all over again. I like the freedom I have now to be me. Just me. I’m afraid I’ll lose that if I’m in another relationship.”
Felicity laughed, making Bea’s head snap toward her.
“None of this is funny. Not to me.”
Her sister wiped the smile off her face with obvious difficulty. “I’m sorry, but you lose to a man? Please. Maybe ten years ago, but not now. Besides, there isn’t anything to lose here. Only everything to gain.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“Zane knows you need your independence. It’s part of who you are, and he already respects that. You must know he’s nothing like Evan. Zane likes to control things because he cares, not because he’s selfish or power hungry. He gives you as much control as you give him. There’s more balance between the two of you than you seem to realize. Evan wanted complete dominance over you. He wanted control because of the power it gave him. The two men couldn’t be more different.”
Listen to your sister, Bea’s brain urged. She makes sense.
“Anyway,” Felicity added, “you actually love Zane. You never loved Evan.”
“And what if love isn’t everything?”
Felicity tipped her head at the one question Bea had mulled over the most, the one she was most afraid of. “I don’t follow.”
“You can love more than one person in your lifetime,” Bea said. “Not all couples are meant to be together for the rest of their lives. Not all love is meant to last forever. What if Zane and I are one of those couples? We might love each other and have fun together. But what if there’s nothing deeper? Maybe there’s a reason he’s in London and I’m still here. Maybe we’re just two shi—”
“If you say you’re just two ships passing in the night, I’m going to have to throw something at you,” Felicity said, cutting her off. “Bea Paxton does not speak in clichés. You’ve got to snap out of this funk.” Her sister walked over and placed her hands on Bea’s shoulders. “From what I’m hearing, the love you two have is more than temporary, and I think you know it.”
Bea threw her hands up in exasperation. “Well, what would you call it? If it’s love, and was truly meant to be, it wouldn’t be this hard. Would it?”
Felicity’s expression turned pensive. “Sometimes it is this hard, though. Look at Gwen and Clay and what they had to go through. Lots of couples have tough times before their happily ever after.”
Bea swallowed. “I suppose. But…”
“To be honest, I can’t believe I’m hearing this from you. I never thought I’d see the day my sister would admit to being afraid of anything.” Felicity’s eyes sparked, as if she had just figured something out. “You know, I think I just figured out why Breakfast at Tiffany’s is your favorite movie. You and Holly Golightly are basically the same person.”
Bea’s eyebrows shot up. “What, now?”
“Think about it. What does Paul say to Holly in the closing scene? Remember? He tells her that she’s afraid someone is going to put her in a cage, that she’s afraid of being loved. Because it would stop her from being a free spirit, a wild thing. But then what does he say?”
Bea lowered her head in shame, knowing exactly where her sister was going with this, and she was reluctant to admit her faults.
She took a cleansing breath. “He tells her she’s already in a cage and that she’s built it herself. That she takes it with her no matter where she goes, because anywhere she runs, she just ends up running into herself.”
Which sounded exactly like Bea.
How had she never noticed that before?
Felicity nodded. “Exactly. It’s never supposed to be easy. If it was, how would you ever know what’s worth keeping? How would you know how much he really means to you? The struggles and the fights…they make you realize how far you’re willing to go, and how hard you’re willing to try, for the other person. So what you have to ask yourself is, would you rather wade through the hard times and fight for this man, or would you rather just let him go?”
Bea didn’t have to think long about her answer. If she had learned anything since Zane left, it was that she couldn’t take the distance or live with the separation. She had never been happier than when they were together. When she painted everything in black and white, the answer was obvious.
Zane was fun. They always had a blast together, no matter what they were doing.
Zane was smart. He worked hard, was part owner of an international company, and had also been a huge success with his own software patent.
Zane was funny. He totally got her dry, sarcastic humor and always reciprocated with his own brand that had her in constant stitches.
Zane was sexy. He’d picked up on what she needed within the first ten seconds of getting her naked. His dominant side in the bedroom balanced out her overactive controlling side, letting her know when it was okay to give someone else the reins. And he never stopped pleasuring her until her body was completely sated.
So many areas of her life were gray.
But sometimes, black and white just made sense.
“Screw the distance. And screw the Atlantic Ocean.”
“That’s the Paxton spirit I like to hear,” Felicity said.
Bea hadn’t realized she’d said all of that out loud.
Felicity collapsed onto her bed. “I’m exhausted. Go call lover boy and let me take a nap.”
Right. She was Bea Paxton, and Bea Paxton went after the things she wanted.
She was a strong, independent woman who had lost her heart to a man who was her equal in every way. And admitting it only made her stronger, not weaker.
It was time to put on her big girl pants and claim the man she loved.