Chapter Twenty-Two
Amanda wallowed in a sadness that she worried would never leave her. He must not see, she told herself. No, he must never know how strongly she loved him. It might make him feel guilty.
The thought of him regretting their time together sent a bolt of pure terror straight to her heart. No, never. He must not know.
Sighing, she looked over at the empty bed next to her. He had left her earlier that morning, Mumbling something about his men. Needing to meet with someone. Leaving her to lay their alone, abandoned.
“Get used to it,” she whispered as a tear threatened to leak from her eyes. This was to be her future. This sense of loss.
Her heart jumped as the door opened without a knock. Lord Warwick stood there, dressed once again as the butler known as Higginbottom. His wide shoulders making her heart ache.
He smiled as he slipped into the room.
“Where have you been?” she asked instantly regretting the needy tone in her voice. She had no right to make demands of this man. He owed her nothing. She must never forget that.
He frowned and said, “I needed to have my men start looking into the names you discovered. I have little time to gather what I need.”
She nodded as she accepted his answer. At least he had not been out chasing other women. An activity she knew he would return to someday. She would become nothing more than a name on a long list of women.
“Why the rush,” she asked him as she sat up in bed. “I realize the war and everything. But, surely a few hours won’t make that great a difference.”
He sat down next to her on the bed. Her hand instinctively reached out to rest on his thigh.
“Time is of the essence. The war is shifting, things are changing.”
She frowned up at him, silently asking him to explain.
He sighed, obviously not wanting to think about all of the hazards facing Britain.
“America has come in with the French. They declared war in June.”
“I had heard, but surely they are not a threat. Besides, they would never have joined if we had not enforced the blockade.”
He nodded. “True, but they will pull away resources. Men who could have been used on the continent. Our only hope is that the rumors of Napoleon attacking Russia is not a mere diversion but a true incursion. It might very well make all the difference.”
She frowned, the overlapping layers created trails and threads that were complex and impossible to follow to their ultimate end. He saw her continued confusion and smiled slightly.
“If I am able to discover Lord Hick’s conduit back to France, We can use that to feed false information to Napoleon. Information that might cause him to make a different choice. Perhaps we can keep him pursuing conquest in Russia. Convince him we are too strong. Or that Russia is weaker than he believes.”
Her heart jumped just a little. These were high stakes they were fighting for.
“But, won’t he discover the truth when these people are taken to trial. Surely he has access to the London papers. A story like this could not be kept out of the press.
Lord Warwick smiled and slowly shook his head, obviously amused at her naivety. “There will be no trial, Amanda. The government couldn’t afford the scandal. And as you said. We would not want the French to know their people have been discovered.”
Her stomach dropped. “But they can’t be allowed to go free. The damage they have done. The pain they have caused. They can’t get away with this.”
His eyes turned fierce as he shook his head “They won’t get away with anything, I assure you. No, they will simply disappear. Or perhaps an accidental death. No one will ever know, but they won’t be allowed to live. We will learn all we can from them and then …”
Amanda gasped, His world really was different than hers. He talked of people dying without any hint of remorse. Without any sign of concern.
She slowly nodded. He was right she realized, but that did not mean she was happy about the fact.
“But,” she began. “If there is to be no trial. Why the need for absolute proof. Don’t you have enough to take action.”
He shook his head. “These are important people. Rich, powerful …”
“So if they were not important, from the lower classes, you could take action? That does not seem right.”
“True, very true,” he replied with a shrug. “But it is the way of things. There are men in both the Lords and the Commons. Men who control Parliament’s opinion. Men who can keep a secret. If they know the truth. If they are convinced, then there will be no outcry at the sudden disappearance of so many important people.”
Again she nodded. Obviously, he and Lord Liverpool knew what they were dealing with.
“And now, we need to discuss something even more upsetting,” he said as he took her hand in his.
Her heart stopped as her mind focused on the way his fingers caressed the back of her hand. Deep in her soul, she knew what was coming. Had known since he had walked back into the room.
This was goodbye.
Although she had initiated it. Even though it was what she demanded. Still, she wished with every part of her being that she could push this moment away.
Push it into her old age perhaps. But no, she could see it in his eyes.
“There are things I must do today. I must visit with Nathanial, he has conducted business with two of these men. There are things he may be able to tell me. And Lady Alice might have some insights. She knows everyone.”
“You are leaving. Aren’t you?”
He nodded sadly. “My man will have the cab waiting for you outside. You can leave whenever you wish.”
Her heart fell to her feet. This was it, this was the end.
Forcing herself to smile slightly, she nodded. “I understand.”
He sighed heavily then abruptly stood up so that he could begin pacing. His long strides crossing the room within a few steps before he turned and retraced his steps, over and over. His hands were folded behind his back as he pondered how to say what he needed to say.
Her brow narrowed as she watched him. He was upset. Was his mind already off thinking about his mission? Had he already forgotten about her and began thinking about what he must do next?
“Our paths will cross,” he said without looking at her. “Olivia’s party for instance. Balls, events.”
She could only stare at him.
He sighed heavily. “At these meetings. It may seem as if I am cold. Distant.”
The thought of him being cold to her sent a searing pain to her chest. To love someone so much and have them act as if she barely existed. How would she handle such a cut?
“It is important that we not be attached to each other. Besides Lord Hicks. We must also worry about the old biddies of the ton. As you said, nothing can be allowed to hint at our … time together.”
Her heart twisted into a knot as she fought to breathe. The pain was overwhelming.
“I promise you, Lord Warwick,” she forced herself to say as her world ended. “I will do nothing to bring you shame. No overt displays of affection. No one will ever know. Not because of my actions.”
He stopped pacing to turn and stare at her.
“I was more worried about myself actually,” he said with a sad smile. “I am going to have to fight the urge to sweep you into my arms. Not to say anything of how difficult it is going to be to not challenge half the men of the ton to a duel for merely glancing your way.”
She almost laughed at his silliness until she saw how serious he was being. He really did care for her, she realized. A fact that only made the pain inside of her even more intense.
Grimacing she bit her lip and let him finish.
“So,” he began again. “If it appears I am cold to you. Please be aware that it is not how I truly feel, but my method of dealing with the issue. If I allow myself to express how I really feel, then we will both be exposed. I assure you.”
A man playing a role, she realized.
Her stomach released from its knot of turmoil as she fought to stop herself from telling him how much she loved him. No, she thought it wouldn’t be fair to add to his guilt. It wouldn’t be right to add to his burdens.
He needed to focus on this task for the government. She needed to let him go without adding obstacles to his life.
“I understand Lord Warwick.”
The tall man looked back at her with a strange twist in his eyes. As if he were thinking thoughts three layers deeper than any man had ever faced before.
“It is important to me,” he said. “That you understand. I do not want you feeling hurt.”
Smiling bravely, she studied him for a long moment then nodded. “Lord Warwick, you need never worry. Our … time together … has been wonderful. An interlude that will become one of the most important moments of my life. But we both know it cannot continue. But I will always thank you for it.”
Taking a deep breath, he said, “Good day, Amanda. Please know that you will always be special to me. Always my Angel”
Her eyes grew misty as a sudden fear passed through her. She must not cry in front of him.
He continued to stare at her for a long moment, his lips set in a firm line. Each second drawing her closer to losing control of her emotions.
She thought for a moment that he might say something more as his brow furrowed and his eyes looked into hers. Something important. But instead, he sighed heavily as if he had changed his mind and merely nodded to her again, then turned and left.
The door closed behind him and her world crumbled into tears. Ugly tears that threatened to never stop.