I don’t know why I did it. Why I watched that video. But I did, and now I can’t unwatch it. I can’t go back and stop myself from clicking the link that popped up in my text messages. The shitty, ironic thing about it is it wasn’t even James who sent it to me. It was Rob. My douchebag fraternity brother she’d been dating when we met. The guy she caught cheating on her at a college house party. The reason I ended up giving her a ride home in the first place.

Rob: LOL, is this who I think it is??

I’d been brushing my teeth and scrolling through my texts, hoping to see one from Conner, telling me that whatever he’d gone home to do had worked, and this whole thing was over. That he’d done whatever it is Conner does, and James and Lisa were dealt with. That Cari and I can move on.

I thought about her. Sleeping. Naked and warm, in my bed. I thought about her and how we’d finally turned a corner. Hit the reset button. We’d forgiven each other. Talked and laughed and touched each other without it devolving into something ugly and hurtful. That had to mean something. It had to mean we were ready to take the next step in whatever this is between us.

I love her, and I think she loves me. Even if we weren’t ready to say it, I think we’re ready to show it. That’s what I was thinking about. Plugging her phone into the charger when she forgets. Pretending not to notice that she slips her laundry into my basket on wash day. Taking her lunch to her when she forgets it on the kitchen counter. Because even if she was doing those things on purpose, just to get under my skin, I still want to do them for her. Because I love her.

That’s what I was thinking about—toothbrush hanging out of my mouth, water running in the sink—when I tapped my thumb against the link Rob sent me and changed everything.

I can say that I thought he was sending me the link to a fraternity brother’s Facebook profile or the pathetically lame Tinder profile of one of our old professors. I could say that. I could. But it would be a lie.

A second after my thumb tapped the link, I knew what it was.

I knew.

And I watched it anyway.

Not all of it, but enough to know. Enough to see what Cari didn’t want me to.

I felt sick. Angry. I wanted to kill James. Legitimately kill him for doing that to her. Taking a moment when she’d made herself vulnerable to him and exploiting it. Turning it into something shameful and ugly. And I wanted to kill Rob, someone who’d once claimed to care for her, for thinking so little of her that he forwarded it to me without thinking twice.

Before I could react, another text came through.

Rob: Bro, told you she was too

much for you to handle. LOL.

I reminded myself he didn’t know about Cari and me. He knew we were roommates. Friends. But he didn’t know about us. He thought there was no way a girl like Cari would be into someone like me. He never would’ve sent me that link, otherwise. Rob is an idiot, and I should cut him some slack. It wasn’t working. I still wanted to kill him.

Me: Where did you get this?

I can imagine Rob’s dumb, smug face, confused as to why I wasn’t broing up right now even though I’ve never broed it up with him. Not once.

Rob: It’s all over the place, but

I saw it on exhex first

Rob: Funny, right?

Exhex is a revenge porn site where pissed-off people can anonymously post nude pictures and videos of their exes. Rob’s been obsessed with the site since we were in college. I spit my toothbrush into the sink because my hands were shaking and I needed both to pound out an answering text.

Me: Hilarious, bro. If you send this to

anyone else, I’ll know, and I’ll separate

your head from your fucking shoulders.

LOL

He didn’t text me back.

Rob said he saw it on exhex first. That means it’s been posted on more than one site. The realization knots my stomach, and I pound out an angry text to Conner.

Me: James released Cari’s

video. I thought you had it

under control.

It didn’t take long for Con to hit me back.

Con: He’s still in the hospital.

I just checked. He must have

help.

Con: ...

Con: I’m sorry, man. I fucked

up. I thought I had more time.

I know what I’m supposed to do. I’m supposed to text him back—tell him it’s okay. He tried his best. I understand. A week ago, that’s exactly what I would’ve done. I would’ve let him off the hook. I would’ve stuffed the rage coursing through my veins into a hole and cemented it shut with a layer of calm affability. And if this were about me, I would’ve been able to do it. No problem. But this isn’t about me.

It’s about Cari.

Con: Cap’n?

Con: ??

Con: Come on, man.

Con: don’t do anything

stupid.

Me: Fuck you

I went back to my room and sat next to the bed, my stomach roiling, head pounding, heart hammering, fast and heavy. I wanted to crawl into bed and lay down beside her. Pull her into my arms and hold her. I wanted to close my eyes and go to sleep and wake up again and have it be before. I wanted to pretend the last ten minutes hadn’t happened. I wanted to lay next to her and watch her wake up. Smile at me.

But I can’t.

I can’t do that because my whole body is shaking now, not just my hands. I’m sick with rage, and if I touch her now, she’ll know.

She’ll know I watched it. That I betrayed her.

But it didn’t matter. She’d taken one look at me, and she knew anyway.

And then she bolted. Threw on her robe and ran because all I could say was her name, over and over. I meant to apologize. Tell her I didn’t care. That none of it mattered to me. That I watched it, and I was sorry, but I also wasn’t because I’d watched it and now I know. I know that I loved her. I love her, and we were still friends, and I needed her to forgive me for fucking everything up again because I know she loves me too.

That’s what I was going to say. What I intended when I chased her down the hall. Spun her around so I could tell her. Talk to her. Explain.

Cari, please look at me...

As soon as she did, as soon as she looked at me, I saw it.

I told her I love her and she laughed at me. Said what I’d been afraid of all along. That someone like her could never be interested in someone like me. Not for the long haul.

I froze.

Too slow and stupid to stop her, I let her end us.

She said the past week was nothing more than fun. That people like her and I don’t belong together. She said she was over me.

And I believe her.