EIGHT MONTHS LATER
“How do I do this?”
Kate was staring out the passenger window, her eyes on our destination. I knew it was going to be hard, but we’d decided this was something she needed.
One year ago today, we lost Joel.
Avery was right. It didn’t get better. I missed my brother every day. Kate missed her husband. However, there was a way that pain was becoming familiar. It wasn’t so fucking sharp and agonizing anymore. But that didn’t mean it wasn’t there.
Hearing Kate ask the question that had been rattling through my mind so much in the days after Joel was gone reminded me exactly why she needed this shit. She hadn’t said goodbye at the funeral. Not really. It was a step in the process she'd ignored because she hadn’t been ready.
It was time. We’d been without him for a year already, even though that shit seemed fucking unbelievable. She needed to actually say her goodbyes.
Owen wasn’t with us. Someday, when he was older and better understood what being there meant, he would come. This time, we both knew Kate was going to be a wreck. He didn’t need to witness that.
So he was at home, with Avery.
Fuck, I wished my woman was here for this.
Which made me a fucking dick. She’d fought tooth and nail to come, and I’d been the one to shut that down.
And with good reason.
Just about a month ago, Sugar’s Dream opened.
Yeah, my girl finally had her fucking bakery.
Even fucking better, it had been a hit. All the Disciples and the women had rallied behind her, talking that shit up from the time we found her a location. Quinn even lined up local press to cover the opening and do reviews of the food—which they all fucking went crazy over. Since then, it was proving near impossible to keep up with demand. She’d have a line when she opened so people wouldn’t miss out on the shit they wanted.
Eventually, the hype would slow. Avery was freaked about that. I knew it’d been fine. She may not have crowds of crazed people waiting, but she’d keep them coming back. I could testify to that shit seeing as I'd been eating that shit for nearly two years—a little under half that time was fucking daily—and I still felt like I was going to pop a boner when I smelled some of her goodies fresh out of the oven.
It didn’t help that issue that the first order of business when the construction was done was to fuck her in her dream bakery, while she was doing practice rounds of baking things in her new kitchen.
Fuck, that’d been good.
Anyway, my girl was busy as fuck. She’d already taken on Max to help her out there. Quinn had been worried about it, saying Max didn’t have the best track record when it came to customer service, but apparently that was just because of where she was or who she was working under. Avery told me Max was fucking great behind the counter, awesome at talking up all the treats, and good with the kids who came in.
Just a few days ago, Avery had asked me what I thought of her extending a job offer to Kate. Something to get her out of the house. I thought it was a great idea. Avery could use more hands, and Kate seemed to enjoy being in the kitchen with her and Owen.
That was something I was going to broach once she had time to process what was happening today.
Unfortunately, today was a Saturday—Avery’s busiest day of the week. It was why I’d put my foot down about her coming. She’d been all ready to shut down Sugar’s Dream for the day to be at my side. But she’d waited long enough to have her dream, and I wanted that shit to be the biggest success it could be. That meant being open when her customers were expecting.
I could get through this shit, and she’d be at home waiting for me when I did.
For the moment, I had to focus on Kate and I just getting out of the car.
“What’d Dr. Stephens tell you?” I asked her, knowing the good doctor would have given her some pointers about how to handle all this fucking emotion.
“She said to remember I’ve already survived the worst. I’m not losing him today. He’s…he’s already gone. This is just me saying goodbye, something I should have done a long time ago.”
Shit. I owed that fucking doctor a lot. It was almost like having the old Kate back. She was still more subdued than she had been when she’d been happy at Joel’s side, but she was so much better than the woman who barely lived after losing him. Fuck, that she’d even gotten those words out without losing it was huge.
“She’s right,” I agreed. “I fucking hate it every day when I wake up and remember he’s gone, but we’ve been doing it for a year. We can keep going. He’d want you to, you know that. He’d fucking hate you suffering.”
Her lips pursed, and I knew it was to fight the tears. I wasn’t sure that was best. She had to get that shit out, but maybe she needed to wait until we made it to his grave to do it.
"Come on. This is hard as fuck and I’m not going to pretend it’s not. It’s killing me to be here too. But we can do this together.”
She looked at me, like she was reminding herself of the fact that I knew what she was feeling. Then, she nodded and reached for the door handle with a trembling hand.
“Kate asked me to go first," I said, my eyes on the marble stone with my brother’s name on it. It wasn’t the same. It wasn’t anything like talking to him. “She’s doing better. It was a rough road, her losing you. Fuck, it was hard for all of us. I fuckin’ hate that you aren’t here for her. I hate that you aren’t here for Owen. Shit, brother, I fuckin’ hate that you aren’t here for me.
“I met a woman. Well, I knew her before we lost you. The dancer who worked for me? Avery. Fuck, man. I wish you were here to give me all the shit I probably deserve for falling for a woman after I harassed all you fuckers who found good women before me. I wish you could see how fucking beautiful she is, eat one of her delicious damn cupcakes, and see her with Kate and Owen.
“Fuck, I don’t know what comes after this, so maybe you’ve seen all that shit. Maybe you’re watching us all trying to get on without you hoping we’ll get our shit together. Maybe I’m not fucking nuts when I hear your voice telling me what to do. If that is you, it’s fucking freaky, but don't you dare stop.
“I never thanked you for all the years you took care of me. Not really. I hate that too. You have to know I consider myself one lucky son of a bitch that I had you as my brother. Not just because you fed me and shit, but because you were my family. You taught me to appreciate that in whatever form it comes. And you gave me more with Kate and Owen. Now, I’m returning the favor. I’m looking after them. I’m giving them a family with the club. I’m giving them Avery, who loves them both.
“Christ, I have no idea what the fuck to say. I just wanted you to know we miss you. So fuckin’ much. But we’re getting by, and we’re doing it together. I won’t let any of us fall, because I know you wouldn’t have.”
I took a deep breath, even though that shit felt about as hard as anything I’d ever done.
“I’m going to let your wife have her time now. It’s been a long road to get her to a place where she was ready for this, but we’re getting her there. I fucking promise.”
I knelt down, putting my hand to the rough stone.
“I love you brother. I always will.”
He didn’t answer. Couldn’t. But he didn’t need to.
I knew he’d felt the same. He’d showed me my whole life.
Fuck, I was glad to be back.
Kate and I had flown out Friday, and it was only Sunday now as we drove up to the farmhouse. Neither of us wanted to be away for long.
As we came around the bend on the gravel drive up to the house, I saw that long red hair I’d been missing. Avery was waiting on the front porch, Owen on the ground right there playing. I wanted to speed up there, get to her as fast as I fucking could, but I held back.
When I pulled the truck in, the two of them came down the steps, Owen’s hand in hers. The second Kate got out, Owen let go and ran to her.
“Mommy!” he cried in pure excitement.
God, that kid was the master and he didn’t even know it. That shit was exactly what she’d needed.
I only watched for a second as she scooped him up before my attention focused on my woman crossing in front of the truck toward me.
“Hi,” she said, those lips I seriously needed a taste of curved up in a smile.
“Miss me?” I asked.
She shrugged. “Not really.”
As soon as she was close enough, I reached out to grab her, hauling her close to my body, then turned to press her against the closed driver’s side door. She let out a little gasp that went straight to my balls.
“You sure about that, sugar?”
“Maybe,” she kept on teasing.
“Well, I sure as fuck missed you,” I told her before I took her sweet mouth.
When I pulled back, she gave me something possibly better than saying she missed me.
“I brought you home chocolate raspberry cupcakes.”
I burst out laughing. Even with all the shit still in my head from yesterday, my sweet girl gave me that.
You did good, little brother.
Yeah, I really fucking did.