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he Uber dropped me off in front of the bar and I was instantly apprehensive. It didn’t look like the type of establishment Riley or Hadley would frequent. I checked the text I’d gotten from Riley just an hour earlier to confirm that I was, in fact, in the right place.

And I was.

“Here goes nothing,” I muttered to myself as I walked toward the door.

My eyes scanned the dark bar and my nerves skyrocketed. Everyone was wearing either leather, plaid, or a combination of the two. Beards were a required accessory as were Converse, it appeared. I hadn’t gotten the memo.

Even though it was loud with the sound of rock music, conversation, and glasses clinking, the sound of my stiletto heels hitting the concrete floor seemed to reverberate through the room.

A few people’s heads turned, but I was only met with curiosity and mild interest, not the judgement or scorn I imagined I would have received.

I definitely didn’t fit in with my pencil skirt, silk blouse, and tailored jacket.

“Rose!”

I heard my name over the sounds of the bar and my gaze whipped over to a table in the corner where Riley and Hadley sat, looking just as out of place as me. I smiled but could tell it looked forced—because it was.

I was uncomfortable. And usually I avoided uncomfortable situations, especially situations where I wasn’t in control or couldn’t predict what would happen.

In that moment, I was completely out of my element and I was very close to turning around and running out the door.

Or at least walking as quickly as I could in the shoes I was wearing.

“We saved you a seat,” Hadley said, smiling widely at me and motioning toward the empty stool between them.

“Thanks.” I climbed up on the stool and gave them the friendliest expression I could muster.

“I know it’s a little intimidating, but this bar is the best. We’ve been coming here since college. It was a little less hipster then, but it’s still awesome.”

“It has a lot of charm.” I managed to find an adjective that wasn’t insulting but still apt.

“Ha, charm,” Hadley barked. “If you find hepatitis charming.”

“It’s not that bad,” Riley argued.

“It is. But it’s still a great bar. Not as good as Hele Pale, but it’ll do in a pinch.”

“Have you ever been, Rose? To Hale Pele?”

“I have not. Sounds interesting.”

“Oh, it is. It’s a theme bar not far from here, but everything is Hawaiian. Volcanoes and everything. Very fun.”

“Sounds like it.”

“We’ll have to go there next time for girls’ night, and, Rose, you have to come.”

I only smiled in response, not wanting to commit one way or another.

“Oh, Rose,” Hadley cried, her hand reaching out to cover mine. “How did the rest of your meeting with Aiden go? Didn’t you love the property?”

“It was something else,” I offered, still smiling uncomfortably.

“Did you ladies want to order anything?” a waitress asked as she appeared at the side of our table.

“Hef, please,” Riley said with a smile.

“Samsies,” Hadley replied.

“Do you have a pinot grigio?” I inquired.

“Sure. I think it’s Columbia Crest. Will that work?”

“Sure, thank you.”

“So, the property. It was great, right?” Hadley asked again, obviously looking for some sort of confirmation.

“It was definitely something. Very out in the middle of nowhere.”

“Right? The first time I drove out to one of his properties it was sort of in the same area, but up river a bit. Of course, I saw a finished house when I pulled up. You have to see the houses when they’re complete. They’re masterpieces.”

“Jasper and I looked through his website last week. It definitely was impressive.”

“He’s amazing,” Riley added.

“He definitely seems talented.”

Hadley and Riley exchanged a knowing look, and Hadley raised an eyebrow.

“He’s asked a few questions about you,” Riley finally said.

My heart galloped inconveniently at her words and I tried to school my expression so they wouldn’t notice.

“Oh?” My voice had jumped an entire octave.

“Yeah, he has. I think he might be interested in you, like, romantically.” Riley’s voice was tentative, as though she was worried how I would react to her words.

“That’s ridiculous. We hardly spent any time together.”

“So, you weren’t attracted to him?” Hadley asked, but her tone implied she already knew the answer to her own question.

My mind flashed back to the way his arms held me in those brief moments we were wrapped around each other. I remembered how he looked unkempt, but in a seriously manly way. Not because he didn’t care about his appearance, but because he was too busy to care about how long his hair had gotten or how badly his beard needed a trim. I also knew that unkempt Aiden was irresistibly sexy, so kept Aiden would be devastating. My heart jumped all around my chest at the thought.

“I didn’t really get a chance to think about it. What with the bears and everything.”

“Didn’t he drive you back to the office? He said you tried to take an Uber back.” Hadley definitely knew the answers to the questions she was asking.

“I would have been fine had there been service out there.”

“Well, just so you know, there will hardly ever be service at any of his properties. Unless you’re at his office in town. I think he likes being off the grid.”

“Ugh,” I groaned before I could stop myself. “That sounds like torture.”

“It’s not so bad. You get used to it.” Hadley shrugged.

“Would you consider going out with him? If he asked?” Riley looked as though she was supremely uncomfortable asking me the question.

“I don’t really date,” I answered honestly.

“What do you mean?” Hadley looked confused by my answer.

“I mean, I don’t go on dates. Like, ever. I don’t think I’ve been out with a man for two or three years.”

“You’re into women?” Even more confusion came over Hadley’s expression.

“No,” I replied slowly, trying to figure out how best to explain my situation. It wasn’t every day I had in-depth conversations with anyone about my personal life. In fact, I worked very hard to stay as impersonal as possible in all facets of my life.

“I didn’t really have a normal childhood and therefore didn’t get the typical young adult experience. I never had a boyfriend, never went to prom, missed all the usual romantically-involved milestones, and never really caught up. So, I stopped trying. I don’t date.”

“What do you mean? You’ve never been kissed?” Riley looked just as confused as Hadley now.

“No, I’ve been kissed,” I scoffed, waving a hand through the air as though her question was ridiculous.

“Then what exactly are we talking about?” Hadley asked, leaning in closer, her eyebrows almost reaching her hairline.

Our waitress returned with our drinks, placing them down in front of each of us as we waited in awkward conversation purgatory.

“Can I get you anything else right now?” she asked.

“I think we’re good,” Riley answered, giving her a polite smile.

As she left I picked up my wine and took a large drink, clearly and purposefully ignoring wine etiquette.

“Rose,” Hadley said, her voice low. “You’ve been with a man, right?”

I looked down into my glass, watching the pale liquid swish around. Finally, after a few long, quiet moments, I lifted my head and looked her straight in the eye, chin high and shoulders back.

“I have not, technically, had sex with a man, no. But I’ve done enough to know I’m not interested.”

My eyes were on Hadley, who looked a combination of horrified and sad, but I knew Riley was also looking at me with pity, but I couldn’t bring myself to meet her gaze.

I wasn’t ashamed of my decision to abstain from sex, but without going into all the details I knew how I was perceived. Frigid. Cold. Unfeeling. Unapproachable. And a whole other list of negative adjectives. It was cute to be a virgin graduating from high school. It was admirable and almost unbelievable to be a virgin graduating from college. But it was most definitely sad to be a virgin in your late-twenties. At least, that’s what other people thought.

I was happy with my virginity, even if I hated that word.

A virgin was pure and innocent. Ignorant, even.

I was none of those things.

I was simply uninterested in sex anymore. For a variety of reasons.

“How is that possible?” Hadley added.

I shrugged. “It’s not hard. No pun intended. It’s just a choice.”

“I just can’t imagine choosing to not have sex,” Hadley continued, completely perplexed by me.

I hadn’t confided in many people about my sex life, but I knew this would be the reaction. Complete and utter confusion. I didn’t expect other people to understand—just as I couldn’t understand why people chose to have sex, they couldn’t understand why I would abstain. And even though I would go as far as telling them about my sexual status, I’d never revealed the whole reason why. Not to anyone. And I wasn’t about to start with one of my employees and her best friend, no matter how much I wanted to be more like friends with them than co-workers or acquaintances.

“It’s a choice. And I’m happy in my choice. I live a full life.”

“No one’s judging you, Rose,” Riley said softly, placing her hand over one of mine and giving me a sweet smile.

I appreciated it more than she would ever know.

“You are, and that’s okay. Judgement is a part of life. No one can avoid it all the time.”

“It’s just a little surprising,” Hadley added quietly. “In a million years I never would have thought you were a virgin.”

I picked up my wine glass and held it up toward them. “I could say the same thing about you, ladies.” It was my attempt at levity. Luckily, they both laughed lightly and picked up their beer bottles and the three of us clinked them all together then took dainty sips.

“Look,” I started, then took another sip of my wine, needing the liquid courage. “I don’t tell a lot of people that tidbit of information, so I’d appreciate it if you kept it to yourselves. The last thing I want, or need, is the office talking about my lack of sexual experience.”

“Rose, I’d never tell anyone. I swear. You have my complete confidence.”

“Yeah, me too, Rose. I may be shocked, but I’m not a bitch. Well, not to people who don’t deserve it.”

“Thank you. I appreciate that. It’s personal, but you can see why it wouldn’t be a good idea for me to date anyone.”

“Clearly, we have differing opinions about what you need, Rose. Because dating is exactly what I think you should be doing. And not even dating. Fucking. I just can’t even imagine—”

“Hadley,” Riley scolded, giving her a narrow gaze. “Stop it.”

“Come on, I’m not trying to be rude, but even you can admit she doesn’t know what she’s missing.” Hadley’s gaze came back to me. “Have you ever done ANYTHING with a man? Aside from kissing?”

This was exactly what I didn’t want to talk about. The details surrounding my sex life, or lack thereof, were almost more mortifying than the lack of experience.

“Without going into too much detail, rest assured I have had sexual experiences. And I never found those encounters to be anything worth trying again.”

“Honey, you weren’t trying them with the right men, then. Trust me.”

“Regardless, you can understand how eventually, this speed bump becomes somewhat of a mountain. It’s a giant distraction when dating, and I’d just rather not deal with it at all.”

“So, it’s not that you aren’t attracted to men. You’re not asexual. You’re just behind the curve and feel like you’re too far behind to catch up.” You could almost see the proverbial lightbulb turn on above Hadley’s head as she spoke.

“Had, she’s not behind in biology and trying to cram for a midterm. This is serious stuff.”

“It’s only as serious as you make it,” Hadley replied just before taking another long pull from her beer. “You could look at it like a huge problem, or like a Band-Aid you just need to rip off really fast.”

“Having sex for the first time isn’t like ripping off a Band-Aid,” Riley said to me reassuringly.

“It can be, though. That’s all I’m trying to say. You could sit here and worry about it, let the fear take over, or you could just do it and get it over with.”

“You’re not telling me anything I haven’t thought of before,” I said, not unkindly. I really did appreciate their concern. I understood my situation was peculiar, that they’d probably never encountered a woman my age who’d never been in a sexual relationship, but I’d been that way my whole adult life. This was a choice and I was not a victim of my own circumstance. “I’m not wholly opposed to the idea of having sex—not at all actually. I’m a woman. I have needs. I am biologically built to have the same cravings and feelings as you ladies do, I’m sure. The difference is, I choose not to involve anyone else in my life sexually. And that inhibits me from involving anyone else in my life romantically.”

There were so many more details I wouldn’t tell them, so many more nuances that didn’t need to be said in the dark, dank bar in the middle of Portland. But I knew the reasons, and that was good enough for me. “So, while I appreciate you concern, I’m afraid there’s nothing to be fixed because there’s nothing wrong with me.”

“Of course not, Rose. We didn’t mean to imply there was.”

Hadley bit her tongue and I could tell she was holding back words. It made me laugh.

“Besides,” I continued, trying to avoid the whole conversation we were about to have. “I spent the trip from Washington to our office in a truck with Aiden, and it didn’t seem like we had much in common. So, regardless of what he was asking about me, I don’t think we’re compatible. On many levels.”

“If he asks again, I’ll tell him you’re unavailable,” Riley promised.

“Thank you.” I took another sip of my wine and then took a breath, steeling myself to take the conversation and redirect it. “So, you both have one-year wedding anniversaries coming up.”

That was all it took to get the two of them talking about themselves and their lives. We spent the next hour chatting about their married lives and the small day-to-day perks of marriage, how happy they both were with their fairly new husbands, and other trivial topics of life.

Once we weren’t talking about me any longer I really enjoyed myself. I wanted to know more about Hadley, found her to be interesting in a way I’d never been interested in anyone. She was brave and loud, seemed to know herself better than she knew anyone else. And Riley obviously loved her in a way that went deeper than friendship. They seemed to be more like close sisters than just women who were forced to be roommates their freshman year of college.

Fate had brought them together, seen how they needed each other and would balance out one another.

As we said goodbye, the two of them hopping into a small, black, fancy car I think Riley referred to as the Batmobile, and me walking to the closest MAX station, I couldn’t help but be jealous that fate had been kind enough to bring Riley and Hadley together, but never found anyone suitable for me. What I wouldn’t have given to have a friend like those two had in each other.

I spent the trip home mentally creating a checklist for work the next day. When I came home to my empty and dark condo, I told myself I enjoyed the silence. And when I lay in bed that night, trying desperately to fall asleep to quiet the thoughts in my head, I tried to convince my brain that relationships would mean taking down the barriers I’d put up for a reason, and that letting people in, would only mean I’d have to build them higher when they inevitably hurt me. And it was so much harder to build the walls than tear them down.