Lance

When the church bells ring on Sunday morning you can hear them all the way from the high school on the other side of Linton. You can really hear them when you have a migraine brewing and they ring out as you’re walking up the sidewalk.

Last night consisted of a lot of tossing and even more turning. This guilty conscience thing is shit. No matter what I told myself to make it stop, it didn’t. When I finally opened my eyes for good, I thought about hitting snooze but didn’t want to deal with Nana. And it wouldn’t hurt to have a bonus point with the Lord when I go to meet Nerdy Nurse.

I shouldn’t meet her. There’s really no point. There’s something about her I want to see, to put a face with the name of the woman I’ve had a running conversation with all this time. A woman I’ve spent hours wondering about, and whose image I’ve been jacking off to. Maybe we’ll meet and hate each other in person and I can write her off. That would be simpler.

On that note, I should be writing off Mariah too, but I can’t.

Maybe I can hit the altar this morning.

“Morning,” I say to the pastor, not making eye contact so he doesn’t stop me. Not the most courteous thing I’ve ever done, but I’m sure I’ll top it before the day is out.

Winding my way through the parishioners of Holy Hills, I nod and bid greetings whenever necessary. None of it registers. My mind isn’t here. Turns out that having a conscience is a real thing. Having something riding on it isn’t nearly as fun as having someone riding on your cock.

Nana and my brothers are sitting in their usual spot in the front right corner. Peck and our grandmother sit one row behind Machlan and Walker. Sienna sits in my old spot. I guess Walker felt like it was safer for me to sit next to Sienna than Machlan. I’m kind of perturbed by that.

“Hey,” I say, slipping into my seat. I look straight ahead and hope they all have hangovers and don’t feel chatty.

“Good morning,” Sienna almost sings.

“It’s too early, Slugger,” I groan. “Let’s take it down a notch, okay?”

Machlan’s head pops around Walker. “Late night?”

“Yeah, for all the wrong reasons.”

“But she was absolutely lovely,” Nana pipes in. “Just lovely, Lance. I hope she’ll come by today. Sienna will love her. Or maybe you’ve met her already?”

Their eyes are all on me. Even Cross knows something is up when he struts in and sinks into the pew in front of us. I refuse to look at them, not even Nana because my mouth wants to say a string of words she loathes. Also words not welcome in a house of God, but I’m not really sure who I’m more afraid of.

“No, Nana,” Sienna chirps, staring at me. “I haven’t met her. What’s she like?”

“Nana, let’s do this later,” I mutter. The rip at my temple starts up again right behind my left eye.

“Nope. Let’s do it now,” Sienna goads.

“Is this the leggy nurse? Peck asks. “If so, I vote to hear about it now.”

I glare at him over my shoulder. “Seriously. We are in a church, for crying out loud. Have some respect for the man upstairs.”

“Oh, like you give a damn—” Machlan’s response is thwarted by Nana’s swift hand. “Like you care,” he corrects himself. “If I remember correctly, our conversation just last week in this very pew was highly un-Christ-like.”

“I don’t know what I’m going to do with you boys.” Nana shakes her head. “I’m going to go say hello to the pastor.”

We wait until she’s out of earshot before continuing the conversation. It’s Sienna who speaks first.

“You know she’s going to add your names to the prayer list.”

“Good. I need it,” I grumble. “I’m going to hell. My ticket is punched and I didn’t get to do anything fun for it.”

“What the hell is going on with you?” Walker asks, lacing his fingers with Sienna’s. “You’re acting like someone Lance’d you.”

My brothers snicker. All of them except Walker. He rests his and Sienna’s linked hands on his lap and watches me in a way only he can.

He has no idea why I refuse to get into a relationship, but he does know how it feels to avoid them. He fought love hard with Sienna but she broke him down. I can’t let Mariah do that to me.

“Ah, did Lance get his heart broken?” Machlan chimes in.

I narrow my eyes. “No. I did not. You can’t get your heart broken when you don’t let it get involved.”

“Then what the hell is this about?” Machlan counters. “You were up late. You apparently took a girl to Nana’s. You’re in here pussyfooting around.”

“Sounds like you when Hadley broke your heart.” Cross tosses me a wink. “What do you think, Mach?”

All heads whip to my youngest brother to see his reaction. He and Hadley, Cross’s sister, had an epic ending a while back. It’s not something any of us bring up. As a matter of fact, we kind of skirt around the issue of Hadley altogether.

I’ve postulated that Hadley is the reason why Machlan is still single. It doesn’t make sense otherwise. He’s good-looking, a near reflection of me, and he owns a bar. He’s also not averse to love. What guy owning a bar who looks like me and wouldn’t mind being in a relationship is still single? A guy who is still torn up over a girl.

“I think you can go to Hell.” Machlan doesn’t blink. Doesn’t flinch. Doesn’t even look Cross’s way. Cross says something loud enough for only him to hear and they go at it animatedly.

“Need advice?” Sienna asks me softly. “I’m really good at it.”

“Not really. I think I’m good.”

Peck leans forward, his blond hair flopping against his forehead. “Can I say I’m disappointed this had nothing to do with the nurse?”

I contemplate not saying anything to him, but consider that if I do, there’s a chance I’ll feel better. I thought I’d be over it this morning. Instead, I think I feel even more guilty.

It’s stupid as hell. What do I have to feel guilty for? Why did my guilt button decide to turn on? Life without one is bliss. This? This is horrible.

“Cousin,” I say to Peck. “You’ll be happy to know I’m meeting her later.”

“For real?”

“For real.”

He studies me. “For whatever reason, I expected more of a reaction.”

“Well, I’m meeting her to not fuck her.”

“Wait,” Walker interjects as music begins to play. “Isn’t that counterproductive? You use the app so you can get laid, right? Or have I had it wrong all this time?”

“Nope. You got it,” I sigh.

Sienna’s eyes are wide as she tries to make sense of the senselessness. “I’m thoroughly confused, Lance.”

“Join the club.”

The choir starts singing and I bow my head and hope for some guidance.

* * *

We’re standing around Daisy, Walker’s truck, when Nana walks up. She steadies herself on Machlan’s arm.

“Who’s coming for dinner? I need an idea of how many potatoes to peel.”

“I thought you were making a roast?” I ask.

“I was, but I forgot to get the meat out last night. It’s terrible getting old.”

“You aren’t old,” Machlan tells her, resting his cheek on the side of her head. “You’re seasoned.”

She laughs, patting him on the stomach. “You coming to eat?”

“Do I ever miss a meal at your house?”

“What about you kids, Walker?” she asks.

“Sienna and I will be there.”

“Peck?”

“What are you making?” He slings an arm over the side of Walker’s truck. “If I bring stuff for a cheeseball, will you make it?”

“I already have one in the fridge,” she tells him. “Better beat these boys over or there won’t be any left.” She kisses the side of Machlan’s face, squeezing his cheeks in her hand, before turning to me. “Walk me to my car, Lance.”

Extending my elbow, she hooks her arm through it and guides me across the gravel. We walk quietly for a bit. She waves at the pastor and again at Ruby, the little old lady who runs the town library. It’s not until we’re at the door to her car that she gets down to business.

“I’m sorry if I embarrassed you in front of your brothers,” she sighs. “I should’ve thought it over before I said anything about Mariah.”

“It’s fine, Nana.”

“I feel like a fool.” She flings her purse in the back of the car. “I know better than that. I’m slipping, I tell ya.”

“You aren’t slipping.” Opening the door, I lean on it. “What’d you think of Mariah, Nana?”

She nearly beams. “I liked her a lot. I think she’s sweet and pretty and I love the way she looks at you.”

“What?” I ask, standing straight. “We’re not together.”

“Well, you can call it what you will.”

“We’re not,” I insist, maybe a touch too forcefully. “She’s a great girl, but she’s not for me.” Lies, lies, lies.

A hand flies to her hip. “And why not?”

The exact reason is one I haven’t ever discussed with her. I’ve only talked about it with Blaire and that’s just because she knew it before I did. I’m not sure how Nana would react to what I have to say besides throwing me a pity party and I don’t want that. Fuck that.

This isn’t about me. I’m fine with things. I made peace with that a long time ago. It isn’t about infecting others with my shit. It’s about not ruining other people’s lives because of my flaws.

“Look, Nana. I’m going to miss dinner, okay?”

She lifts a brow.

“I have some things to take care of.” I kiss her cheek and help her get settled in the car. “I’ll be there next week. Promise.”

We exchange a smile and I see the concern in her eyes. I hate it. I turn to go but stop when she calls my name.

“Yeah?” I ask, looking at her over my shoulder. Her silver hair shines in the early afternoon sunlight.

“Remember what the pastor said today,” she says. “Sometimes we search for happiness in the wrong places and in the wrong ways. Search simply, Lance. Don’t overcomplicate it.”

With a final smile, I head across the parking lot. The gravel crunches underfoot. As I climb in my car, I replay Nana’s words. Whiffs of Mariah’s perfume still linger in the air.

If only it were that simple, but this is anything but.