Changes

 

Liam slotted his key in the door, then held it open for me. The house was quiet when I stepped inside and there was the smell of food recently cooked. Someone had probably just had dinner. A firm hand slid under the strap of my backpack. I glanced over my shoulder.

“Let me take this for you,” Liam said quietly.

I didn’t argue, too exhausted after the day and night I’d had. Instead I let him take my heavy backpack and carry it into the house. He pushed open the living room door, revealing a sleek, modern set-up. Two women sat on the black leather couch watching TV. One of them had light brown hair, the other blonde. I vaguely recognised the brown haired one from being at the restaurant a few times.

“Soph, I didn’t know if you’d be around,” said Liam, addressing the brunette. “This is Iris. She works at the Grub Hut for Lee. She’s going to be our lodger since Stu’s room’s empty now.”

“Oh,” the woman exclaimed, eyeing me up and down, though not in a snooty way. She just seemed surprised at the news. Obviously, Lee hadn’t mentioned me to her, whoever she was. She mustered a wary smile, which I didn’t blame her for. I didn’t exactly look like anyone’s ideal housemate right then, dirty and bedraggled as I was.

“Hello, Iris,” she said in a friendly voice.

I lifted a hand. “Hi.”

The other woman, the blonde, gave me an outright bitchy look but didn’t speak. She had cruel lips, which was the main thing I noticed about her.

“This is Sophie,” said Liam. “She’s my cousin. She lives in the extension out back with her kids, Jonathan and Billie. And this is her friend, Valerie.”

“Hey,” said Valerie. Even her tone was bitchy. Jeez.

I nodded my greetings and both Liam and I turned to leave. We were just out the door when I heard Valerie speak. “Did you know about this, Soph?”

“No,” Sophie replied, hushed. “But it’s fine. Like Liam said, the room’s going spare.”

“Yeah, but shouldn’t you, like, at least get a say in who lives in the same house as you? That girl looks half feral.”

“She seems fine.”

A scoff. I made eye contact with Liam and saw his jaw tense. “Bet you a tenner she robs you all blind before the week is through.”

At that Liam turned and strode back into the living room. I waited outside, not wanting to be in the middle of whatever he was going to do.

“You got something to say, Val?”

I heard a loud huff then, “I’m only looking out for Sophie. She’s my best friend and I care about her living with some stranger she knows nothing about. Not to mention there’s the kids to consider.”

“Yeah well, she can trust Iris. She has my word on that. And if Sophie has any concerns she’s got a mouth of her own to voice them.”

Discomfort clutched at me. I should’ve known this was too good to be true. I wasn’t really welcome here. Maybe Lee and Liam were okay with it, but the rest of their family probably weren’t. I was already halfway to the front door when Liam’s voice stopped me.

“Where do you think you’re going?”

I stared at the floor. “This was a bad idea. I don’t want to cause trouble.”

He was in front of me in a few short strides. His hands came to rest on my shoulders. “Val’s always sticking her nose into other people’s business. Don’t listen to a word she says. Besides, Sophie’s fine with you staying here. You heard her say as much. Lee wants you here. I want you here, Iris.”

His passionately spoken words soothed some of my fears, his touch a comfort to my misgivings. I sucked in a deep breath and looked up at him. “Okay.”

“Yeah?”

“Mm-hmm.”

He squeezed my shoulders then let go. I already missed his touch. “Good, now let me give you a quick tour before I show you your room.”

I nodded and followed him into the kitchen, where he pointed out all the essentials, fridge, cooker, microware, cupboards. I was free to eat and use whatever I wanted, he said, but I knew I wouldn’t be touching a thing. He was already giving me too much just by providing a bed.

“Down that hall are Sophie and the kids’ rooms,” Liam went on then led me back out into the entrance hallway and up the stairs. When we got to the top he started pointing out rooms. “That one’s Lee and Karla’s,” he said, gesturing to the attic conversion. “That one’s Trevor’s but he’s away working at the moment. He started filming this reality TV show recently. We all can’t wait to see how it turns out.”

“Oh,” I said, remembering the few times his brother had visited the restaurant. He’d practically oozed charm and charisma, and I could definitely see him on a reality show. Not that I’d watched many of them in recent years.

“That one’s mine.” For some reason I couldn’t help blushing. Being so close to the place where he slept—potentially naked—caused heat to rush through my veins. “And lastly, this one’s yours,” he finished and pushed open the door.

The room was small and sparsely furnished, just a bed and a chest of drawers, magnolia-coloured walls, one window. It was perfect. More than I could ever ask for. Emotion rose to the surface, clogging my throat. I endeavoured to swallow it down, not wanting Liam to know how such genuine kindness was affecting me.

“I’ll just go grab you some blankets and clean sheets while you get settled in,” he said and promptly left. Maybe he sensed I needed a moment alone. I took one step into the room, then another. I walked to the window and looked out onto the street. I could see the row of houses on the other side, but it might as well have been a sprawling countryside view. And the small room might as well have been a palace. A trickle of happiness, of safety, seeped into my bones and made me want to cry again.

But no, not yet. I’d wait until Liam left me completely to my own devices before I let my emotions out. I sat down awkwardly on the bed just as he returned to the room. The softness underneath me felt strange, foreign. He paused on the threshold, eyeing me closely.

“You okay?”

I nodded but didn’t speak. I knew the second I breathed a word I was going to burst into tears, so I kept quiet. Liam’s gaze softened but he didn’t push me on the matter. Instead he held out a stack of items. “Here are some clean sheets, a duvet, and some pillows. There’s a towel in there, too, if you want to shower. Bathroom’s at the other end of the hall.”

Again, I nodded and swallowed.

He paused, like he wanted to say more but thought better of it. Giving me a tight smile, he retreated back to the doorway, “All right, well, I’ll let you get settled. Give a knock on my door if you need anything.”

As soon as he was gone I could breathe again. His kindness, his basic human decency, was more than I’d experienced in a very long time. I didn’t feel like I deserved it. I felt like it was too good to be true and soon the other shoe would drop.

Maybe Liam and his family would traffic me into prostitution, or try and keep me captive, turn me into a household slave—Josef Fritzl style. It was my vivid imagination running wild, of course, but I still couldn’t shake the feeling that this couldn’t last. Nothing good ever did for me.

“Or maybe you just don’t want to believe there are good people in the world,” said Bowie, coming to sit on the bed next to me. “Because if you admit that, then you might end up getting attached, and all attachments inevitably end in heartache.”

I stared at him, at the oversized eighties suit he wore and his mullet hairdo. “I loved Mum and then she died. I loved Becky and she died, too. I couldn’t handle loving someone else and having them die on me, or worse, betray me.”

“But what if they don’t? What if, God forbid, you actually find happiness? What then?”

I blew out a breath. “In my experience that’s very unlikely.”

Bowie eyed me wanly. “Oh, in the experience of your long twenty years on this earth?”

“No need to be so sarcastic.”

“Here’s the kicker, my dear Iris. Perhaps yes, in the grand scheme of things, all love ends in heartache, because we’re all going to die one day. But what if there are fifty, sixty, seventy years of happiness in between?”

With that he left me and I sat there soaking in the depth of his wisdom. He was right. Of course, he was. He was David frickin’ Bowie. But I was still afraid. Mistrustful. And fear and mistrust were difficult hurdles to overcome.

I smelled something funky and realised it was me. Remembering Liam’s mention of the bathroom, I quickly grabbed my things and headed in to shower. It took me a minute to figure out how everything worked, as I’d never used such a fancy contraption.

Hot steam filled the room and I made sure the door was locked before I undressed. When I hesitantly stepped under the spray I flinched at the heat and backed out. It took a while for me to summon up the courage to try again. I wary of standing directly under the shower head, but when I did I almost melted with the delicious warmth. I’d never known anything like it. The communal showers at the swimming pool had nothing on this. My sore, aching muscles sang with joy. The cold in my bones finally started to thaw.

And then, I wept.

I sank to the tiled floor, wrapped my arms around my knees, and wept for long minutes, until the water started to go cold. Feeling awful that I’d used up all the hot water, I stood, quickly washed myself down with soap and turned off the shower.

I was just finished dressing in a pair of worn black sweatpants and an old grey T-shirt when there was soft knock on the door. I startled then heard Liam ask, “Everything okay in there, Iris?”

“Yes, I’m fine,” I managed and unlocked the door.

I stepped out of the bathroom, my dirty clothes bundled in my arms and my hair wet. Liam’s nostrils flared when he saw me. His eyes wandered down my form then returned to my face. I thought I saw his throat bob as he swallowed.

“Good shower?” he asked, his voice oddly husky.

“Yes,” I breathed, my skin heating.

He didn’t move out of the way and he didn’t stop staring. Before I could ask if there was a problem he spoke. “You look so young.”

I frowned. “Pardon?”

He cleared his throat and clarified. “Without all the eyeliner, I mean.”

“Oh.” I usually coloured in my eyes with a black eyeliner pencil. It was the only makeup I wore, and I mostly only used it because it made my face look meaner. It made me look like someone you didn’t want to mess with, and you needed that when you lived on the streets.

Liam wore a vaguely uncomfortable expression when he finally stepped aside. “Sorry, I’ll, uh, let you get back to your room.”

“Okay, see you in the morning.”

“Yeah, see you in the morning, Iris.”

That night sleep didn’t come as easily as I thought it might. I couldn’t get used to how soft the mattress was, or how clean everything smelled, or the quiet hum of the central heating as it warmed the house. In the end I resorted to pulling the duvet onto the floor and sleeping there. Finally, after staring at the ceiling for a long while, I drifted off.

I woke to the smell of bacon, and somehow I knew Lee was cooking breakfast. Maybe it was all those months working with him, but I just seemed to recognise his signature scent. He tended to use tarragon in a lot of his dishes. It must be his favourite herb.

I didn’t have a shift until after lunch, but I didn’t intend on hanging around the house. I didn’t want to get under anyone’s feet, so I dressed quickly, put on my coat, and headed downstairs for the front door.

“That you, Iris?” Lee called out from the kitchen. I knew it would be rude to just leave, so I reluctantly turned and headed down the hallway. When I entered the kitchen I found Lee by the cooker. His wife, Karla, Liam, Sophie and a little boy and girl who I presumed were her kids sat at the table eating breakfast. Liam was in uniform again. It still gave me that fight or flight reaction combined with keen attraction.

“Where are you headed so early, kiddo?” Lee asked. “You’re not due for a shift until one.”

“Just have a few things I need to do,” I lied.

“Yeah well,” he pointed a spatula at me, “you can sit and eat first. No one leaves this house without a decent breakfast.”

I would’ve argued with him if the bacon didn’t smell so good. Instead I shrugged out of my coat and took the seat next to Liam.

“Morning, Iris. Lee tells me you’ll be renting Stu’s old room,” said Karla with a kind smile. I’d met Lee’s wife before and liked her. She was a smart, no-nonsense sort of woman. She was also a police sergeant, which made me wonder if she had something to do with Liam joining the force.

“Morning,” I replied. “And yes. Lee was very kind to offer it.”

“I’m sorry about what Val said last night, by the way,” Sophie cut in. “I love that girl to bits, but she doesn’t know when to keep her mouth shut sometimes.”

I waved her away. “No worries.”

“This is my foster daughter, Billie,” she went on, indicating the young girl. “And my son, Jonathan.”

Jonathan gave me a shy smile while Billie grinned widely and pointed at the tattoo of a shooting star peeking out from the end of my top. “That’s pretty.”

I tugged on my sleeve, still caught up on the whole ‘foster daughter’ bit. An old, well-worn string tugged on my heart. I would’ve given anything to be taken in by a family like this when younger. Suddenly, I saw Sophie in a whole new light.

“Oh, thanks.”

“Do you have any more?” Billie asked, no reticence about her. She had a precocious streak.

“Yeah, lots,” I answered, a little uncomfortable to be the object of everybody’s attention.

“Can I see?”

“Maybe some other time, Bills,” Liam cut in, saving me from further scrutiny. At the same time, Lee set a heaving plate of food in front of me—scrambled eggs, bacon, and a mountain of toast. I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to eat it all even though I suffered from perennial hunger.

I dug in quietly, letting the conversation wash over me. The last time I’d experienced a family breakfast like this was at Maude’s, but that had been different. We were a rag-tag bunch of mistrustful teenagers. This here was a real family. My heart panged with loneliness, with a want so deep and engrained I couldn’t decipher it at first.

Then I understood. With everything inside me I wanted to belong to a family just like Liam’s.