Chapter Thirty-Two
Paige
I knew that morning sickness was going to be awful, but I didn't expect it to keep me in bed for days. I had to cancel everything, from working at The Shift to dinner with my parents on Sunday night.
But that's not what's really happening, I thought bitterly. The morning sickness had been awful, and I felt like shit. But even more than that, it was my feelings about the whole situation that was overwhelming and making me reluctant to get out of bed.
Erica, bless her, was as helpful as she had ever been, listening to my cravings and doing her best to help me out. She hadn't been upset when I'd told her for the third day in a row that I couldn't come in to work. I could tell she wanted to say something, probably to suggest I talk to Michael, but she'd held her tongue. It made me want to cry, just thinking about how great she had been and how little I deserved that kindness from her, not when I'd brought this all upon myself, and not when I was close to quitting my job and moving out on her.
I was still surprised Michael had shown up at the apartment. What's more, I was surprised he had gone to my parents' place for Sunday night dinner. He seemed as though he really wanted things to be okay between us.
I just didn't have the energy to deal with him, on top of everything else. Not when I was feeling like this. Not when I was starting to feel certain I couldn't go through with having a baby and not being in its life.
With the morning sickness, it had become real in my mind, even more so than when Michael and I had stared down at that pregnancy test with its two pink lines. I had realized that everything I had been reading online was about to happen. To me.
I was going to have a baby.
And there was no way I could give that baby away to someone else, even though I knew Michael would take care of it. Even though I had never planned on becoming a mother, let alone a single mother.
I had even gone so far as to read back through the contract, wondering if there was some sort of loophole, some way I could get out of this. Because I realized if I couldn't give up my first-born child, it would be even more difficult to give up the second or third child I had. Erica had mentioned that, and now, I realized she was right. With this first child, everything would be a surprise. With the second child, I would know what I was missing out on.
But if there was some sort of loophole, I couldn't find it. Which made sense: I wasn't trained in legal speak, and Michael had the help of an undoubtedly renowned attorney to draw it up. He wanted to make sure that he wouldn't be cheated out of his millions, after all.
And he had already paid me half the money, just as agreed, so there was no way I could ask for an annulment.
I wondered if I could claim the baby was someone else's. Michael knew about the guy from the bar. What if I told him we had slept together and that the baby was really his? I could tell him I had told whatever-his-name-was that the baby was his, and the guy was going to be there for me.
But then, Michael could order a paternity test taken once the baby was born, and we would quickly know the truth of things. I didn't know how my lying could affect the situation, but I was worried that could make a judge rule I wasn't allowed to ever see the kid again, regardless of what I wanted.
That thought made me cry. I hated thinking I might never get to see the little boy or little girl grow up.
I wondered if I could have an abortion and tell Michael it wasn't my fault, that I had miscarried. Maybe then I could tell him I no longer wanted to go through with this, that the trauma from the first miscarriage made me never want to try again.
The thing is, I knew if I did that, Michael would stand by me every step of the way. He was a good guy. I didn't think I could handle his kindness, his protectiveness, not when I was lying to him. I would have to tell him the truth, that I had purposefully had the abortion, and then who knew what legal consequences there would be. There were so many situations that hadn't been covered in the contract, now that I really thought about it.
Like, what if I fall in love with Michael over the course of nine months?
I hated to even think about it, hated to allow myself to realize those feelings, but I couldn't deny them. The more time I spent with Michael, the more I liked him. The more I thought I could maybe love him, some day.
I swallowed hard, pulling my blanket more tightly around my shoulders and staring at the wall.
The other problem was, I didn't think I could really have an abortion. As confusing as my feelings were, the one thing I really knew for sure was that I wanted this baby. I was excited to be pregnant. I was already thinking up baby names and imagining what the child would look like. Would it have my eyes? Michael's charming smile and tanned skin? Would it be a boy or a girl?
I couldn't walk past a baby on the street without thinking maybe that kid would one day know my kid. I couldn't get over those itty-bitty shoes and those pacifiers and those cute bonnets and bibs and all the other baby things. I was ready to be a mom, more than I had ever thought I might be.
My last resort was to lie to Michael. To tell him I had miscarried. But I didn't think he would buy that. Or I could flee the country, but I couldn't ask my whole family to move with me, and I couldn't imagine going through this without them. Especially not as a single mother. And even if I could, I knew it would eventually catch up with me. That there would be those same nagging legal repercussions.
I needed to talk to Michael, but I wasn't sure what to say.
Michael came by again on Monday evening. I knew it was him from the way he held the buzzer for a second too long, impatiently waiting for me to answer the door.
I hauled myself up out of bed, wishing that Erica were there to diffuse the situation. But she was already at work. Like I should have been.
I sighed, glad at least that the nausea seemed to have abated for the time being. I pulled open the door and took a step back, letting Michael enter.
“Hey,” Michael said, looking guarded. He clearly hadn't expected me to let him in so easily, and whatever it was he had planned to say, I could practically see it dying on his lips.
“Hey,” I sighed, running a hand back through my hair. I shut the door behind him. “Do you want a glass of water or anything? Erica probably has some wine.”
“I'm fine,” Michael said. “Are you?”
“I'm fine,” I said, but I could tell from the way his expression changed to one of concern that I was very obviously not fine. I shook my head and led him over to the couch, sitting on one end of it while he sat on the other, leaving a careful space between us.
“Paige, I want to know what's going on,” Michael said, sounding weary.
“I'm not sure I can do this,” I blurted out. I risked a quick glance over at him, but his face remained impassive. It was up to me, then. I took a deep breath. “When it was all written out on paper, it seemed so much easier. But now that everything is happening, it's just so much more difficult. This is a human life that we're talking about. Three human lives: yours, mine, and the baby's. I don't think it's as easy as we thought it was going to be.”
“I understand,” Michael said, surprising me. He shook his head. “To be honest, I've been having second thoughts as well. Things I wish had been written into the contract that weren't. I guess I didn't think through all the implications of this.”
“What kinds of things?” I asked curiously and a little concerned.
“Well, I wish there were some way to make it so that you didn't just clam up on me,” Michael said. “That's first and foremost. I don't want you to feel like you can't talk to me if you have a problem, especially when it's something that obviously has been bothering you this much. Erica told me tonight, when I went to The Shift, that you haven't left the apartment since Friday.”
“My morning sickness has started,” I said defensively. But when he looked even more concerned, I sighed. “That's not the only reason I haven't left, though.”
“What's wrong?” Michael asked, his voice impossibly gentle.
“I'm already getting attached to the baby, and I haven't even been pregnant for a month,” I said. “I don't know if it's the hormones or what. But it's like, as soon as my morning sickness started, I realized this baby was really growing inside of me. And that got me thinking about it as a boy or a girl, imagining what its life is going to be like. I can't stop thinking about it as an eventual person, and I hate to say it, but I love him or her already.”
Michael was quiet, just staring down at his hands, and for a moment, I expected him to remind me of the contract. To point out it was his baby, that he would be the one raising it. But I should have known better than to think like that. Instead, he nodded. “I'm not surprised.”
I stared at him, trying to think of what I could say in response to that. But I couldn't think of anything short of asking whether he would let me keep it. Only, of course, he would let me keep it. We had known that this could possibly be a problem, and that was why I'd had the stipulation written into the contract. I got to keep the first-born child but would provide him with the second baby.
I just didn't think I could do that now, either. But I wasn't sure how to tell him that.
“Move in with me,” Michael said suddenly.
“What?” I asked, totally shocked by his words. I didn't know what to say in response because no matter how many times I'd thought through this conversation over the past few days, I hadn't expected that. Why would he want me to move in with him? Did he think he could show me what a great dad he would be, and I would change my mind?
Or was this all about hooking up with me? That didn't seem like the best way to ensure that he was getting laid, though.
Maybe he suspected I was considering terminating the pregnancy, and he wanted to keep an eye on me? I frowned, trying to come up with any other plausible reason, but I couldn't.
Then, Michael spoke. “You can't keep living here,” he said, gesturing around at the apartment we were currently sitting in. He shook his head. “Sorry, I'm not trying to insult you, but while this may have been all right for you to live in while it was just you, this isn't going to cut it for the mother of my child. I've paid you the first half of the money, so I assume you just haven't had a chance to find a place yet. Move in with me. You can figure it all out from there.”
I frowned at him, still trying to process. “The contract,” I began.
“The contract doesn't have anything to do with it,” Michael said. His voice gentled even further. “I have two guest bedrooms in that place. There's no reason for them to go unused. It would mean that Rosa could take care of you. Cook for you, make sure you're all right. She's got a couple kids herself, so I'm sure she has some advice she could share. You know, mother-to-mother.”
I continued to stare at him. “Michael, I'm not sure how I feel about that idea,” I finally said bluntly. “Moving in with you, wouldn't that be a big step? Even if I'm in a guest room.”
Michael frowned. “I don't see why it would be a problem.”
I sighed. “I don't think I can do it,” I told him.
“Why not?”
“Because I can't have a normal relationship with you,” I finally said bitterly. “You realize what it sounds like, you asking me to move in with you. Don't you?”
“I'm not asking you to have a normal relationship with me,” Michael said, sounding perplexed. “You'd be staying in a guest room. You're pregnant. What we're doing isn't anywhere near normal.”
I had to grin at that. “Yeah,” I sighed. I looked down at my hands for a moment.
But Michael reached over, putting a finger under my chin and tilting it up so that he could look at me. His expression was serious, as he stared deep into my eyes. I could tell there was more that he wanted to say. And I knew there was more I should say to him.
Like how this wasn't all about the morning sickness or my newfound realization I couldn't give up the baby. Like how this wasn't all about the fact I was living in a crummy studio apartment that was never meant for two people to share. Like how this wasn't all about the contract and its limitations.
Like how I was pretty sure I had developed feelings for him, feelings that I wasn't sure what to do with. Like how I was afraid moving in together would just make it harder to keep from hooking up with him, but how I was sure that refraining from hooking up with him was the only way I was going to keep my sanity for the rest of this pregnancy.
Like how long nine months seemed and how much could change in that amount of time.
I remembered how Paige had warned me about this, right from the start. She had told me that nine months would seem like a long time. She had warned me against developing feelings. But here I was.
I swallowed hard, but when Michael leaned in to kiss me, I didn't stop him.