Chapter Twelve
Channing
We waved goodbye to her parents from the truck. Tameka and the kids had already headed home, and it had been just the two of us left with her parents. I felt it went well, but couldn’t wait to talk to her. I wanted to get her thoughts. I figured she had nabbed her parents to discuss it when I was outside with the kids. On the ride back to her place, she leaned in and kissed me on the cheek.
“What’s that for?” I asked, grinning.
“Tonight was amazing,” she said. “Just as I thought…my parents love you and you were great with them, with Tameka, and wonderful with the kids.”
“Well, they are an amazing group of people,” I said. It was true. I found myself pulled to them and it left little wonder as to how Kemara became the woman she was.
“By the time Tameka and the kids left, you were marked as one of the good guys,” she continued. “Babe, not that I had any doubt, but my family loved you.” She snuggled against me, and I wrapped my arm around her. It was good to hear her say that, because I wanted them to like me. We continued the drive in silence, until she finally spoke softly. “Now, it’s time for me to meet your parents and your brother. Hell, if your brother is half the man you are, maybe he and Tameka could hit it off and crush all boundaries in her mind about what a good man looks like.” She sighed and my face fell into an abysmal tunnel of uncertainty.
“What’s your brother’s name?”
“Damon.”
“That’s a nice name,” she said and smiled.
I was glad she couldn’t see the sudden change in my expression, but it was there. How could I tell her it would be a completely different experience should she meet my family? How could I tell her that my parents, especially my father, and my brother were racists at their very core? Or, that her beautiful cocoa skin that I yearned to plant my lips on every chance I could would be the one and only deal breaker for my family? I needed to make her aware of my family’s beliefs before it was too late and she got her hopes up that she’d meet them.
“Babe?” she whispered.
“Yes?” I asked.
“What are they like?” she asked me.
“Um…well, let’s see. When I was growing up, they were pretty strict. They had lots of rules, but in the end we always knew they were only looking out for our best interest.”
It always came down to our best interest. They had this thought in their mind of who we should be and nothing else mattered. They fought to mold us into this idealistic vision of the perfect child that they had in mind, which would keep my brother and I from being able to grow up and make our own decisions. My parents, mostly my father, wanted us to walk in his path and in the end that only hindered our development, not giving us the voice we needed. This even related to the kind of woman I was expected to date and Kemara, no matter how wonderful she was, would not be the woman my family would welcome into their home.
Sometimes, I wondered if they truly knew what my brother’s and my best interests were. I didn’t want to subject Kemara to the hatred my family would toss her way. I wanted to shield her, protect her from their kind. Yet, it wouldn’t be easy.
I turned into the parking lot of her apartment. When I parked, she sat up and looked at me. “I can’t wait to meet them. I’m sure they’re just as amazing as you are.” She leaned in, capturing my lips against hers, and I heard a soft moan escape. Then, her tongue dipped in between my lips and I was hypnotized. “Wanna come up to my apartment?” she asked between soft and sensual kisses. I nodded, and we opened our doors and got out of the truck. She ran around and took my hand into hers as we made our way to her apartment.
It was when we got inside that I knew exactly what she had on her mind. After shutting the door, she turned to me and grabbed onto my shirt, pulling me to her. My lips met hers and she looped her fingers into my jean pockets and held me tight to her. I wrapped my arms around her and let the kiss linger, trying to block out all negativity.
With her fingers still holding tight to my jeans, she started walking me backward to the couch. At the couch, she pushed me down and I looked up at her. There was a hunger and desire in her stare as she lifted her shirt up and whipped it off over her head. My eyes went to her breasts and I thought of all the things I wanted to do with her. She straddled me, then swooped in for another kiss. I felt her hands on my belt buckle as she worked to undo it and fought the urge to reach out and touch her breasts, as they begged for me to do so.
I groaned, my erection digging deep at my zipper and my body pulsating for her. The thoughts drifted through my mind of how much I wanted her…needed her. Yet, there were enough complications to bring everything to a halt. Thoughts drowned me of how we shouldn’t proceed, yet my racing heart kept telling me to push on. She kissed me, dipping her tongue between my lips. I instinctively wrapped my hand around her neck.
“I need you,” she whispered. Her body was touching mine, and all I kept thinking was that this was exactly what I wanted. I needed her…she needed me…then what would stop us? And then the emotions came tumbling forward. The realization that if we had sex it would be based all on lies came to the surface. As much as I wanted this, I knew it was hopeless, at least while I was hiding these things from her. I wanted our first time together to be special, with everything out in the open.
“Shit! We should stop,” I breathlessly said, slipping out from underneath her and standing to my feet. She looked up at me, dazed and confused, her mouth agape. I reached down and grabbed her shirt, tossed it to her, and buckled my belt back up. I saw the disappointment on her face as she pulled the shirt back on. Plus, my cock was so hard that it, too, was angered by me stalling the situation. “I’m sorry, but I really have to go,” I apologized.
She shook her head, but barely made eye contact. “You don’t have to be sorry. If you don’t want to sleep with me, I’m not going to force you.” She crawled off the couch and stood to her feet.
The words echoed in my mind. I had to stop her from thinking what she was thinking. “It’s not that I don’t want to sleep with you. You’re a beautiful woman and I would like nothing more than to be with you,” I stated the truth, which my raging erection jolted in my pants to concur.
She crossed her arms in front of her. “Then what is it?” she asked.
I couldn’t find the words, so I had to lead with a lie. “It’s been a long day and I want to make our first time special. I want it to be the best night of your life.” I moved closer to her and touched her cheek. Her eyes went to mine. “Trust me. It will be.”
Whether she bought the lame excuse or not, she didn’t try to get me to change my mind. “Okay,” she said, breathing out through her mouth. She touched my lips with her fingers.
I thought about how I wanted to throw her back on the couch and fuck her until we were both out of breath, but it wasn’t the right time, not when the part of me that I was too embarrassed to tell her about was weighing me down.
“I better go,” I mumbled, hating the fact that I was walking away from her.
She walked me to the door.
I turned around and gave her a sorrowful look, then touched a kiss softly to her lips, before walking out her door.
***
The minute I got home from Kemara’s apartment, I knew what I needed to do. I hurried inside and started to do a purge of everything I owned from the New Aryan Nation.
For years, I knew I didn’t believe the same way my father and brother believed. I never wanted to belong to a white supremacy group. I always had wavering thoughts about their conversations about other races and their mistreatment of people. Some of the big wigs in the group talked about how they didn’t hire blacks, and if they did it was for lesser positions. Others spoke about how they blatantly were rude to blacks or arrested them for no reason, but I digress. If their conversation wasn’t affecting me, I didn’t make a strong move one way or the other. Now that those beliefs threatened the girl I cared for deeply, Kemara, I wanted out and now was the perfect time to get that ball rolling.
If Kemara learned of my dealings with the group, we would be over and done with. She would walk out of my life forever. It would kill me if she would break up with me. I was more than falling in love with her. I had already fallen.
When I went back to her apartment, I got a chance to see just how much I cared for her. I wanted to have sex with Kemara because I wanted to have sex with the woman I loved. We had taken things slowly, but I was past that. I wanted to be with her, fully and explicitly and that meant getting rid of the lies that were between us. How could I tell her that I belonged to a group that wanted to get rid of blacks? No. She couldn’t know the truth. I was at the point of cutting all ties with that group, even if it meant losing my father and brother from my life.
I dug through drawers and piles and piles of papers in my closet. I got rid of everything I owned that contained the symbol of the New Aryan Nation. I tossed the clothes away that would represent what I didn’t believe. The only thing left to do was to go to the next meeting and profess my changed feelings and get out of the club, so that I could happily move on with her.
Kemara was the only one that mattered to me and I would gladly give up anything or anyone to be with her. As I finished by taking the trash bag out to the garbage, I heard a ding on my cellphone. I went back in the house and grabbed my phone to see a text from Kemara.
Kemara: You left so suddenly, just wanted to make sure everything is good and that tonight wasn’t too much.
I felt bad that she had to ask. The minute we got back to her place, she had thoughts of making love and I squashed that, most likely shredding some of her dignity in the process. I sent her back the reply.
Me: I’m truly sorry, baby. I will make this up to you. I promise.
That was the truth. If it was the last thing I did, I would make it up to her. I would give her back her special night, once the New Aryan Nation was in my past. I just couldn’t be with her knowing that I was officially a part of something that was against her existence. The following night was our next meeting and the night I would end it all.