Chapter Seven
“Girl, you have it so bad,” Etta said with a bit of a winded voice as she and Mica sprinted the last set of their interval training run.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Mica was just as out of breath and more than a bit disconcerted that Etta was able to read her so easily.
“Sure you don’t. Like you haven’t looked toward that stable a dozen times since we started.”
Mica slowed as they reached the start point and turned to make the return trip at a slower pace. “Okay, guilty as charged. But did it occur to you that I was thinking about Matty, rather than Deacon?”
“It did, but you weren’t.” Etta grinned. “And it’s okay, you know. In fact, I’m hoping he’ll set aside that age thing for once.”
“Yeah? Why?”
“Because I think you’d be good for him and because he isn’t interested in many women.”
“You’re saying he’s interested in me?” Mica’s pace slowed but her heartrate accelerated considerably.
“I didn’t say that. I just said—”
“Yeah, I heard.” Mica felt a swell of excitement. Etta wouldn’t say that without knowing it to be true and it strengthened her resolve to make Deacon want her enough that he’d come after her.
Etta slowed to a walk and Mica followed suit. “Can I ask you a personal question?”
“I suppose,” Mica hated when people asked that because nine times out of ten they wanted to know something she didn’t want to reveal. But Etta was different. Even though they’d known one another only a short time, Mica already trusted her.
“Were you involved with someone before you came here?”
“Yes.”
“For a while?”
“Yes. For more than twenty years.”
When Etta stopped dead in her tracks and gawked at Mica, she held up both hands, palm up in a what gesture. “Is that so hard to believe?”
“Well, yes. I mean you’re not even forty so that would mean—”
“He was the man who took me off the reservation.”
“Are you serious?”
“I am. I was sixteen and wanted desperately to escape. He was my way out and I took it. I didn’t expect him to care, but as it turned out, he did. He loved me and was loyal to me, so I was loyal to him.”
“Until?”
“Until the day it ended and then I walked away.” Mica tried to answer in a way that wasn’t a lie, and also didn’t give away any details of her parting from Tony.
“Were you in love with him?”
“No. I loved him because he took care of me but I wasn’t in love with him. He gave me a home, fed and clothed me so I could finish high school, and then he put me through college and gave me a job. And through it all, he gave me money to send home to Matty. I owed him more than I could ever repay.”
Etta nodded and continued walking. After a few moments, she spoke again. “Have you ever been in love?”
“No.” Mica didn’t feel hesitant at all to answer that question. There was no shame in her relationship with Tony and she’d spoken the truth to Etta. But she’d never been in love.
“Can I ask another personal question?”
“Sure, go for it.”
“How was the sex?”
Mica shrugged. “It was what he wanted it to be.”
“And for you?”
“Gratitude. A way of saying thank you.”
“That’s really sad, Mica. You haven’t ever had a sexual relationship with a man that you wanted? I mean, that you were passionate about?”
“No, but I’m not dead yet so there’s still hope.”
“Ahh.” Etta nodded.
“Ahh what?”
“Deacon. He’s the first, isn’t he? The first man you’ve ever been passionate about.”
Mica almost lied, then changed her mind. “Yes.”
Etta stopped walking and faced Mica. “So what’re you going to do about that?”
“Make him passionate about me.”
“You say that with a good deal of confidence. Not that I doubt it, mind you. Hell, if I swung that way I’d be after you, but what makes you think you’ll succeed? He’s pretty firm in his convictions.”
There was a small part of Mica that wanted to just blurt out the truth to Etta, but even that miniscule portion knew better. Not only would she open herself up to potential danger, but worse, she’d put Matty at risk and she wasn’t about to do anything that would endanger him.
Her family wasn’t populated by good people. Not her mother, her father, or even herself. Matty was the only good that had come from her family and she would protect him to her dying breath. He was the one among them all who needed to flourish, to find someone and have a family and produce more good people, because the world sorely needed them.
So she just smiled. “I’m not really a conceited woman, so it’s not that I think so highly of myself, my looks, or my appeal. I’m just a student of desire. Watching and learning what makes people tick and what they want. Given enough time, I can normally discover anyone’s tick and then I know what to offer so that it won’t be turned down. It’s something of value in business situations, but can also apply to personal interactions.”
“Damn, woman, you sound Machiavellian. What the hell did you do before you came here?”
Mica shrugged. “I’ve been called worse. And I worked for a man who owned a lot of businesses.”
Etta shook her head. “And just when I thought I had you figured out.”
“Mica!”
They both turned at the sound of a man’s voice. Mathias stood beside their old pickup Bad that was parked outside the barn. Deacon stood with him.
With a wave, Mica headed in their direction with Etta beside her. “Good morning,” she greeted Deacon as she stopped beside the truck.
“Good morning. Have a good run?”
“We did.” Mica smiled as Etta spoke up.
“She’s kicking my butt.”
“Hardly,” Mica scoffed. “But it’s really nice to have a friend to work out with. I tried running with Matty and well—you can imagine how that went. I have to take four steps for every one of his.”
Matty smiled and everyone else chuckled. “So, are you ready to go?” Mica asked her brother. “I thought it was going to take you several hours?”
“I have to come back tomorrow. I need more shoes.”
“Okay, great. Well…” She turned to Etta. “Thanks again. See you on Monday at the park in town?”
“Seven a.m. sharp.”
“Excellent.” Mica then looked at Deacon. “And we’ll see you on Sunday?”
“Yes.”
“Good. Okay, Matty, let’s hit the road. You all have a good day.”
She and Matty got in the truck and left. Mica gave a parting wave to Etta and Deacon who stood watching the truck drive away. It wasn’t lost on her the way he’d looked at her when she and Etta walked up.
His eyes took in her appearance and then his gaze met hers. She knew in that moment that no matter what else might be happening, he was attracted to her. Whether she’d find a way to break through his barriers on the age thing was still undecided, but she was going to give it her best try to destroy that wall.
“Commander Johns wants me to go into therapy with Doc Whitestone.” Matty interrupted her thoughts.
“And?”
“What do you think?”
“I think what’s important is how you feel about it. Do you think it might help you feel better if you talked with her?”
“I don’t know. It did once. But that was different.” He looked over at her. “That was when I was still a good man.”
That broke Mica’s heart and brought a wash of tears that flowed down her face. “Oh, Matty, don’t say that. You’re the best person I’ve ever known. You can’t blame yourself for following orders.”
“Yes, I can. Until I find a way to make recompense for what I did, my soul is stained, Mica. Stained with the blood of innocents.”
“I’m sorry, I just don’t agree, but what I feel isn’t important. So maybe you should talk with Etta. Maybe she can help you find a way to remove that stain. I want to help but I don’t know how. Maybe it’s because I never was a good person like you. Maybe I shouldn’t have left you all those years ago. If I’d made you go with me—”
“That’s an old path, sister. We’ve already walked it. You tried to talk me into leaving. I wouldn’t go. That’s the end of it. You did what you thought you had to do and because you did, I always had clothes and food and a roof over my head.
“I know you did it for love. For me. And I’ll always love you. But you’re right. You can’t help with this. It’s my pain and my guilt and I need someone besides you to help me find my way through.”
“Then talk to Etta. Spend time with Deacon or JJ or do whatever you need to do. Just find your way home, Matty.”
He looked at her with a smile so sad that fresh tears erupted. “And where would that be, sister?”
“With me, little brother. At least for now. But one day—well, one day it will be with a woman who loves you.”
He made a derisive sound. “Dream on, sister.”
“You wait and see,” Mica argued, then turned to look out of the side window. She and Matty were, in some ways, as different as night and day, but in others, they were very much alike. Neither believed they were worthy of love.
Mica didn’t think she’d ever lose that opinion of herself. But then, her unworthiness stemmed from the choices she’d made for her life. Deliberate and sometimes well thought out choices.
It wasn’t the same for Matty. He was guilty only of following the orders of those he’d sworn to obey, in service to his country.
Their sins weren’t the same at all. Not even close.