Chapter 23

 

Gabriel

 

I received a call at twelve ten this afternoon telling me that the etiquette lesson I had planned for Lexie was a crash and burn.  Not only that, but my mother was quite upset with me. When I called her up to ask for help with my girlfriend, she was happy to help. She was appalled at the thought I’d be with a girl who had such terrible manners.

But, after ten minutes alone with Lexie, my mother had changed teams. “I don’t know what happened last night at dinner, but you need to apologize to her.”

“Me? Why?” I whined. 

“Because you’ve finally decided to date a girl with spunk and personality. So, suck it up, son. You’d better make nice with her, or you’ll have to deal with me.”

“Mother, please.” I want to tell her it’s all fake but that’ll make her even angrier.

She continues, “Then on top of everything, I disparaged her mother. Is her mother gone?”

“Gone? How should I know? Where would she be?”

“Gone. As in deceased. Is her mother deceased?”

“I. Don’t. Know. Jesus, mother. Let it go. I’ll make nice with her, okay. Everything will be fine.”

“It’d better be Gabriel. If you end up marrying her, she’ll always remember the day we met, and it won’t be a fond memory for her. I won’t have the mother of my grandchildren angry with me over something that appears to be all your fault.”

“Christ, mother. I said I’d take care of it. And don’t worry. I won’t be marrying her, therefore, we won’t be reproducing.”

“Famous last words,” she mutters as she hangs up on me.

I love my mother. Did I mention that? I do. I love her as long as she stays up in South Barrington where she belongs.  Distance makes the heart grow fonder, and all that.

At five fifty-five, I knock on Lexie’s door. I’ve got some yellow carnations in my right hand and a box of sugar-free chocolates in my left as a peace offering.  When she doesn’t come to the door, I knock again. 

“Who is it?”

“It’s me.”

I listen for her to unlatch her door. It seems to take her an unusually long time to do it, but when it finally opens, I see the issue.  “You’re not dressed?” No. She’s not dressed. She’s wearing red flannel pajamas with, what are those, Santa’s reindeers printed all over them. Her feet are covered with slippers with reindeer heads. On the left is Rudolf, I recognize the red nose. On the right is Rudolf’s girlfriend from the original cartoon. I can’t remember her name.

I look up and see Lexie’s got some green goo on her face. Her hair is piled on top of her head in a mass of curls and waves, and she’s clutching a large bowl filled with popcorn.
How is it possible that this woman, at this moment, has taken my breath away?  And why, all of a sudden, do I get the overwhelming desire to take her to my bed and make her mine, forever? It’s strange since she looks rather like a homeless person. No offense to homeless people.

My olfactory senses take over when I smell her popcorn. It smells delicious. It’s been forever since I’ve had popcorn. I’m tempted to reach in and take some but from the look on her face, reaching my hand into her personal space may end with me losing a finger or two.

“I’m not going. I’m sick.”

“Why didn’t you call me? I could have brought you chicken soup?” I smirk because I thought it was funny.

“Not that kind of sick.”

“Oh, are you menstruating?”

“No. No, you didn’t just ask me that.” She shifts and places the bowl on her hip. “No, the kind of sick I am is the kind you get when you don't want to see someone.”

I blink at her. She’s confusing me. “Come again?”

“Oh, jeez. I’ll spell it out. I’m sick of you, Gabriel. You’re rude and arrogant, and you’re a crappy date. You let that mean woman talk smack to me all night last night.”

“I––.”

“Plus, I don’t want to go with you tonight after you made it clear that I’m an embarrassment to you. Etiquette lessons, Gabriel? Really? That’s just downright offensive.”

“I––.”

“And you choose restaurants that are so snooty and highfalutin. I have no idea what I’m ordering. So, no. I’d much rather eat a bag of microwave popcorn while sitting on my couch watching a Regency romance movie with my animals than go on a date with you.”

“Are you sure you’re not menstruating?” I want to add ‘Because you’re pretty grouchy’ but I don’t get the chance. Her apartment door slams shut in my face. I didn’t even have the opportunity to give her the flowers and candy.

As I turn to leave, an old woman steps out of her apartment. She eyes the flowers and candy. I hold up the bouquet for her. “Those yellow carnations?” she asks.

“Yes,” I smile.

“You trying to win your girl with yellow carnations?”

“Uh, I––.”

“I used to be a florist. Do you want to know what yellow carnations symbolize?”

“Sure.” Why the fuck not?

“All right, I’ll tell ya. Yellow carnations symbolize rejection and disappointment of someone that has failed you in some way. If you’re in a situation where you’re planning to end a relationship, they’re the perfect flower. But, if you’re trying to win a girl’s heart, you’re best to stick with the classic, red roses. But, for our girl, Lexie? I’d choose pink roses.”

“Wow, gee, thanks.” I hand her the flowers and the chocolates.

“She’s not diabetic.”

I turn to leave but apparently this conversation from hell isn’t over yet.  “Huh?”

“Lex. She’s not diabetic.”

“And?”

“You were going to give your girl sugar-free candy. Why?”

“Fewer calories, I guess.”

“Jeez, mister. You’re an idiot.”

“I know.” I know.