Chapter Eleven
Alexa sat in the middle of her closet and sighed.
An hour ago, it was an organized chaos filled with mini towers of shoe boxes and half-full shopping bags. After a halfhearted attempt to clean it out, the organization was gone and only the chaos remained.
That’s what she got for trying to do busy work.
She’d been up since six that morning but had lain in bed for an hour trying to force herself to go back to sleep. When that didn’t work, she got up, took a shower, and tried to think of chores she could do around the house until she had to leave for the restaurant—chores she’d been putting off but that now would help her kill time and distract her from how she’d left things with Dante the night before.
Cleaning out her closet had seemed like a good idea until she was halfway into it. That’s when the scary realization hit. She had way too much stuff and this project would probably take several days, not hours. The closet had been one of the reasons she’d purchased the bungalow-style house two years ago. It was a walk-in with pre-built shelves and cubbyholes. It had seemed so spacious, so luxurious at the time. When she’d first moved in, she’d barely filled half of it. Now it was bursting at the seams, and she had no idea how in the world she’d ever acquired so many things. Her Goodwill donation tub already sat full in one corner, but she’d probably need several more at this rate.
The thought made her tired.
She dropped down on the carpet and propped her head on a pile of sweaters she’d been sorting. The combination of cashmere and wool felt more comfortable than she’d expected, and her eyelids grew heavy. And just when a little nap sounded like the best idea ever, her cell phone rang.
Alexa reached out and felt for the phone she knew was buried somewhere underneath one of the piles of clothes.
“Hello,” she mumbled after putting it to her ear.
“Are you sick?” Her mami’s voice blared through the other end, a mixture of both concern and accusation.
“No, Mami, I’m not sick. I was just about to take a nap.”
“A nap? But it’s only nine o’clock in the morning. Aye, Alexa. I tell you all the time that you don’t sleep enough. Te vas a enfermar.”
She opened her eyes fully, only to roll them. “I’m not sick now and I’m not going to get sick, Mami. I just woke up too early today. I couldn’t sleep.”
“Por qué? Is everything okay? Is Brandon okay? Is Daisy okay? Is the baby okay?”
“Yes, everyone is okay. Don’t worry. Besides, didn’t you just talk to Daisy and Brandon yesterday? You know they would’ve told you if something was wrong.”
“I want to think yes, but then I think you and them don’t like to tell me bad things because you think I’ll get the cancer again.”
Alexa shook her head and sat up. Her mami’s cervical cancer had been in remission for months, but she was still milking it for all of its guilt-inducing worth.
She took a deep breath and then released it. “Actually, Mami, there is something I need to tell you.”
Her mother gasped. “I knew it! Madre de dios.”
“Stop praying. It’s not bad. But you can’t freak out, okay?”
Silence.
“Mami?”
“Okay. I no freak.”
She took a second and then blurted it out: “I’m seeing someone.”
“Okay.”
“Okay? That’s all you have to say?”
“Pues, I don’t know what that means.”
She groaned. Why had she even started this conversation? “Mami, I’m trying to tell you that I’m dating someone.”
“Oh. Oh! Well, that’s nice. But why don’t you sound happy about it?”
“Because I think I’m going to mess things up like I always do.”
“Alexa, mija, why do you talk like that? Qué pasó?”
How could she tell her mother what happened if she wasn’t exactly sure herself? “We had a fight yesterday. I think he’s getting too serious and I told him that I didn’t want that yet. But that doesn’t mean I want things to end, either.”
“One disagreement doesn’t have to mean the end. Go talk to him, and if he cares about you, then he’ll be patient. But, Alexa, if you care about him, too, then you have to be honest with him and yourself about this relationship. Don’t waste his time if you don’t think you will ever feel like he does. You care about him, yes?”
“Yes, I think so. How did you know that?”
“Because you never talked to me about a man like this before.”
It was true. Their conversations about her love life mainly revolved around status updates. Her mom would ask if she was still dating someone and Alexa would usually say yes or no depending on the length of time it had been since they’d last spoken. It worried her mom that Alexa wasn’t married or at least in a serious relationship yet. She’d make comments here and there whenever one of her friends’ daughters announced their engagement or pregnancy, and Alexa would be subjected to her cries of woe that she’d never have a grandbaby of her own. Thank God Brandon was going to give her one. That had put the pressure—and the dramatics—on hold, at least for now.
But her mother was right about one thing. She had to talk to Dante. And the sooner, the better. Now, to get her mother off the phone. “Thank you for your advice, Mami. So you called me. What’s going on?”
A loud, exasperated sigh came through the line. “Nothing is going on. I just feel like I wanted to talk to you. Is that okay?”
She smiled. “Yes, that’s very okay.” And she made herself comfortable. This was going to take a while…
Over an hour later, she was parking her car across the street from Dante’s house. Luckily, she’d called his assistant before leaving her own place and found out that he was working from home that day. She felt silly not calling him directly, but what she needed to say had to be said face-to-face. Plus, she’d never admit it to Dante, but she actually wanted to see him.
She checked her makeup in her rearview mirror and then stepped out of the car. As she crossed the street, Dante walked out of his front door holding a bouquet of flowers. It made her smile, and she rushed to meet him at his driveway.
When he finally spotted her, though, he didn’t seem as happy to see her. “You’re here,” he announced.
Why did he seem so surprised? Had he expected her to stay away for a while? Had he wanted her to?
“I am,” she countered. “I thought we should talk. Celia told me you were working from home today.” She couldn’t help but look at the flowers in his hand.
He followed her gaze, and his eyes widened, as if he’d forgotten about them. “I was. I am. I just…I’m actually heading out for a bit to visit a friend. I wasn’t expecting to see you.”
“Obviously.”
His brow furrowed questioningly, but he stayed quiet. Why was he acting so strange? Old insecurities began to swirl inside her belly. She didn’t know what was going on, but it didn’t look good. Her heart rate sped up, and her mouth ran dry. Why had she come here?
“Well, I guess this wasn’t such a good idea. Sorry I interrupted your plans. You can call me later.” She moved to turn back toward her car when he grabbed her hand.
His gaze was serious. “I’m sorry. I just wasn’t expecting you and—”
“Yeah, you already said that.”
He squeezed her hand and then finally smiled. “Come with me.”
“Where? To see your friend?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t have to do this, Dante. You don’t owe me an explanation of how you spend your time.”
He tugged her hand. “Actually, I do. Let’s go.”
Ten minutes later, as they drove through tree-lined neighborhoods, Alexa tried not to let her emotions get the best of her. An uneasiness tightened her insides, and she hated not knowing where things stood. Who was he taking her to meet? And why wouldn’t he say anything else?
Finally, she’d had enough.
“So, are you still mad at me for not spending the night?”
He continued to focus on the road. “I wasn’t mad. I was…disappointed.”
“Because you wanted us to have sex again?”
This time he looked at her. “What? No. Well, obviously, I always want to have sex with you, Alexa. But that’s not why I was disappointed.”
“Then why?”
“Because I want you to trust me. I want you to trust in what we’re doing.”
“I do.”
“Then why do I feel like you’re holding a piece of yourself back from me?”
She knew what he meant, and he was right. Still, she’d rather go on the defensive than talk about why she felt the way she did.
“Honestly? Maybe it’s because I feel like you’re holding back, too. I’ve known you for years and yet it’s like I don’t know you at all. You’re good at expressing what you want from me in bed. But it’s like pulling teeth to get you to tell me about anything else.”
She waited for him to argue. Instead, he nodded. The car came to a stop, and she looked out the window. She’d been so focused on their conversation, she hadn’t realized they’d driven into a cemetery.
“Why are we here?”
He turned off the car and glanced at her before opening his door. “You want to know me? Well, then, get down and I’ll show you.”
…
Dante took measured steps as he crossed the lawn to his destination. He didn’t hear Alexa behind him—the soft grass muffled her movement—but he knew she was there. She’d surprised him by showing up at his house, and he hadn’t done a very good job of hiding it. He’d seen the hurt in her eyes and realized what she must be thinking. That’s when he knew it was time to tell her.
He arrived at the shaded spot just to the left of a large majestic tree. Kneeling beside the stone, he pulled the dried flowers out of the in-ground container and replaced them with the bouquet of fresh ones he’d brought. “Happy birthday,” he said as he brushed leaves from the headstone.
“Lucy Jenkins,” Alexa read from behind him. “Isn’t that…”
“Yes, she’s the one who used to live in my house.”
“I don’t understand.”
Dante stood up and turned to face Alexa. “Ms. Lucy was my social worker when I was a kid.”
He waited, watching for the pity or judgment reflected in her eyes. Instead, it was as if she was seeing him for the first time. “You were a foster kid.” It was a statement, not a question.
The sense of relief he felt gave him the courage to tell her what he’d never told anyone before.
“My mother…had problems. Mental problems. She couldn’t hold down a job or keep an apartment. DCFS finally took me away from her when I was ten. I was in and out of group homes because I kept running away. Then I met Ms. Lucy when I was thirteen, and she changed my life.”
He explained how Lucy Jenkins had been the first person to tell him the truth—that he wasn’t ever going back to his mother because she didn’t want him. Then she promised him that she was going to make sure he was always okay.
He gave her a hard time at first. He was an angry kid who hated everyone and everything. Eventually, she managed to gain his trust and respect.
“Did she become like a mentor?”
“Kind of,” Dante recalled. “School was a big thing to her. She always wanted to see my grades and helped me with special projects when I needed supplies and stuff. She even convinced me to join the debate team in high school. So in a way, she’s responsible for me becoming an attorney.”
She nodded as he continued. “But it was more than that. She never had any kids of her own, and for some reason she saw something in me that connected us. She bought me birthday gifts and even took me to see my first Dodgers game. I can’t explain it, but that changed me. I finally had someone who gave a shit about me, and I wanted to make her proud. You know, I even asked her once if she could adopt me.”
Alexa reached out and touched his arm. He didn’t dare look at her. Instead, he continued with his story. “She told me that she would if she could. But her husband didn’t want children, and I was already in high school by then. Over time, it didn’t really matter that I couldn’t live with her. She still treated me like her son.”
“Why didn’t you ever tell us about her?” He could hear the hurt in her voice, and he wanted to kick himself for ever thinking she’d pity him.
“College was a weird time for me. I saw it as my chance to start a new life, be someone with a different past. So I hid the fact that I was there on a scholarship. When I first met Brandon, I guess I was too ashamed to tell him anything. And, as time went on, it got harder to tell him—to tell you.”
She nodded as if she understood, but did she? Here he’d been asking her to trust him with a relationship and he hadn’t trusted her with this. “What happened to Ms. Lucy?” she finally asked.
“We kept in touch when I was in New York. She was so proud when I got into law school that she even made the trip for my graduation. When I moved back to Los Angeles, we were able to spend more time together. We’d go to dinner and see each other on holidays. Her husband had passed away by then, and she was retired from the county. In a way, it was like we finally became a family. Then, six months ago, she went into the hospital for hip surgery and never woke up.”
Alexa grabbed his hand and squeezed. He still refused to look at her. The pain of having to make the decision to remove her from life support was still as piercing as it had been that day. His eyes burned and his throat closed as emotions he’d spent months pushing down began to bubble to the surface. He hadn’t known how to deal with losing the one woman who’d meant everything to him.
Just like he didn’t know how to deal with the one standing next to him, because she was beginning to mean so much.
Ms. Lucy would’ve loved Alexa. They both had big personalities and even bigger hearts. One of his lifelong regrets would always be not introducing them in person, even though she knew about Alexa and Brandon and had seen pictures. He knew that confused Ms. Lucy. Maybe it even hurt her. And he would always blame himself for not fixing that.
Grief choked him. Dammit. This was what he’d been afraid of. A whisper of wind broke through the trees at the moment, and he could hear Ms. Lucy’s voice telling him to get over himself.
No more hiding who you are. No more regrets.
Alexa sniffed. “I’m so sorry, Dante. She sounds like she was an amazing woman. I’m glad that you had her in your life. And now you’re living in her house. That’s pretty cool.”
He cleared his throat and finally turned to face her. “Yeah. She always told me that she hated that she couldn’t give me a home when I was a kid. Now, I guess, she has.”
She went to him finally and wrapped her arms around his chest. It took him a few seconds before he hugged her back. Relief and a sense of peace washed over him.
He’d found comfort in her arms that had nothing to do with sex. It fulfilled him in a way he’d never experienced before. And for the first time since he’d kissed her on the beach back in Puerto Rico, he pushed aside the fear and worry that Alexa could break him.
Dante closed his eyes and let himself pretend it would always be like this between them.