THE RED CIRCLE around July twentieth both taunted and promised Johnathan Marcello. It was just a date—a single date among many on the calendar. One of the nurses at Clearview Oaks had given him the calendar months ago when he first arrived. Each month showcased a different picture of the facility’s grounds.
The older nurse had suggested that crossing off dates on the calendar would give him some sort of satisfaction. It hadn’t, of course. Not until he knew his release date.
Now, every little black X in permanent marker felt like another chain coming undone from his body. And yet, the closer he got to that big red circle, the tighter the invisible rope became around his throat.
Strange how that worked.
“Nervous, John?”
He spun on his heels to find his therapist leaning in the doorway of his private room. Patients weren’t allowed to have their doors closed unless the doctor was also in the room, and only if the patient was nonviolent. On a suicide watch, the door was never closed. Ever.
“Well?” Leonard pressed.
“For what?”
“Your chosen release date is coming up. Three weeks away.”
John passed the calendar one more look. “I like how you posed that as if I chose when I could leave, when actually—”
“You did choose.”
Leonard smiled when John glanced back at him.
“You made it clear you didn’t think I was ready to go,” John said pointedly.
The older man shrugged. “Yes, well, you weren’t. Every little medication change sent you into another round, and we had trouble getting you settled with the right dose of Lithium. Never mind the actual therapy, John.”
“I am, though. A little nervous, I mean.”
“All normal, considering.”
“I’m looking forward to it, too.”
“As you should,” Leonard replied. “I’m curious, though, what has you the most nervous.”
John laughed under his breath. Running this fingers through his hair, he once again turned to face the calendar. Leonard had a way of pushing John into talking about things beyond the surface of what he presented to the world. The therapist had no problem with really digging into the crux of John’s issues.
About life.
His family.
Being bipolar.
Out of the many, many therapists John had gone through in his life, Leonard was—by far—the best for him personally. Sure, he didn’t always like what the older man had to say. He didn’t particularly appreciate being forced to drag out old issues and dirty laundry to reexamine. That didn’t mean Leonard’s tactics were useless.
They weren’t.
They worked.
They worked especially well for John.
What more could he ask for?
“Well?” the therapist pressed when John stayed quiet. “What has you nervous—reentering life, integrating with your family again … her?”
John swallowed hard.
Her.
Siena.
John chuckled. “Not her. Never her.”
Leonard returned John’s smile. “You haven’t seen the woman in … well, almost four months, now. You sound very sure of that statement, though.”
He was.
It wasn’t like he had a reason to be.
He also didn’t have a reason not to be.
John shrugged. “It’s not her.”
“The rest, then?”
“It’s a mixture of the rest, I think.”
Leonard closed the door behind him, and stepped further into the room. He waved a hand at John, and then gestured toward the seating area next to the windows. So was the therapist’s way when it came to a session. He liked to make John sit, while he remained standing, or pacing. Sometimes Leonard would also sit, but it wasn’t particularly often.
John’s private room was more like a very expensive, yet also clinical-feeling, bachelor pad. He had his own small kitchen with a two-person table. A double bed, and private bathroom. A sitting area with bookshelves and a flat screen television. The walls showcased photographs of mountains and colorful flowers set in clear frames. The floor was a marble stone that somehow never felt too cold in the mornings.
If anything, it was comfortable. Clean, which he appreciated. Simplistic in design, and catered to his private needs. He had a private phone line to make calls out if he needed to or wanted to, but other than a few calls to his mother, he had not used the phone a lot. After all, he was here to get better, and to focus on himself. Besides, the person he wanted to talk to the most—Siena—he had not been able to. For whatever reason, her old number was dead. No one had given him a reason why.
John had been able to make his room at Clearview Oaks feel somewhat like home in different ways.
John opted to sit in one of the white leather recliners next to the window. Leonard leaned against the wall beside the flat screen, and gazed out the window. Next to the backdrop of crisp white walls, the therapist blended in with his stark white hair and jacket.
“Let’s talk, John,” Leonard said.
“You are aware I know why you like to stand and pace while I stay sitting, right?”
Leonard’s gray eyes cut to John with amusement dancing in his thick, lifted brows. “Oh, do tell.”
“When you sit, then I can zone out. I know exactly where you are, and I feel safer to focus my attention elsewhere. The wall, or the clock. Maybe a picture. My hands. Whatever it is, then I don’t have to keep an eye on you because you’re no longer moving around and keeping my attention on you.”
“Keep going.”
“When you move, the kind of man I am, means I have to keep an eye on you constantly. I can’t let you move behind me, or too close to my side. I need to see your hands, and what they’re doing. It takes up a great deal of the focus in my brain, and that makes my mouth vulnerable to letting things slip. If I can zone out, I am far less likely to talk. Or if I do, it’s … as you say, surface things.”
“What people see, not what really is.”
John nodded. “Although, if you would sit, I would talk, too. For you.”
The man’s smile softened a bit. “Would you?”
“I would, Leonard.”
“I thought so,” Leonard replied as he moved to take a seat across from John. “And well done on figuring that strategy of mine out. It only took you … a few months.”
“A couple,” John shot back. “I knew about a month in.”
Leonard chuckled, and wagged a finger at John. “Talk, now.”
“It’s different.”
“What is?”
“Here, to there. Being inside here, and then going back into the outside. One of the first things you told me was that I had to choose stability. Not just for now, or for a while, or even for a few years. I had to choose stability for the rest of my life.”
Which meant meds, even when they made him feel like shit. It meant choosing to get up every single day and take medications regardless of how he felt about it until a better medication could be chosen. It also meant never excusing himself because of being bipolar, but accepting and being honest about it. It meant being honest to those in his life about what was happening inside his mind, and keeping himself accountable.
Stability was a choice.
Because he could just as easily choose to refuse meds, to self-medicate, or to live his life in a constant spiral of hypomania, full blown mania, and depression. A vicious cycle that would continue to hurt him, and those around him.
John chose stability.
He didn’t expect it to always be easy.
“Because in here is routine,” John said, glancing out the window. “Here, I know exactly what time the lights are going to come on, and when I can go outside. I know which channels will be on the television, and what the menu looks like for the next week. I know which meds are coming, and which ones need to change. I just … know everything.”
“Your life is also pretty structured outside of here, too,” Leonard reminded him. “You have made a great effort to set up personal routines that you like to follow, from what time you get up in the morning, to how you clean your house. You’re not leaving an environment like this and walking into pure chaos, John.”
John nodded because the man was right. “Sure.”
“But you have the factor of the unknown out there that we don’t provide in here.”
“Exactly.”
“I understand why that’s a little unsettling.”
“It might help if they told me more,” he said.
John didn’t say who, specifically, but the therapist understood what he meant. The only people who came to visit him—his choice, not others—were his father, and Andino. His uncle, Giovanni, had come once as well, and got the bottle of booze he brought along confiscated. It was, by far, one of the most amusing days since John entered the facility.
Still, when the men of his family came, they didn’t talk about business. They never told John what was happening outside of these walls, or what he could expect once he left the facility. It was a little unsettling because he wasn’t quite sure what that meant.
Were they hiding something from him?
What was it, if they were?
Leonard also knew some of the private details of John’s life that he didn’t share with outsiders. Or rather, the illegal side of John’s life being that he was a made man, and fully engrained in the way of Cosa Nostra.
It certainly helped for these talks.
John didn’t need to skip details, or dance around them in some way. He was able to be honest with his therapist, and because he too knew things about Leonard’s personal life, he did not feel as if it might get him in trouble simply to talk.
All good things.
“I think they intend for you to focus on yourself, and not … the business,” Leonard murmured.
“Funny.”
“What is?”
“I’ve been focusing on the business a lot lately.”
“Because you don’t know what’s happening?”
“Mostly.”
Leonard nodded once. “You’re going to do fine, John. Regardless if you leave here and it is sunshine, rainbows, and puppies, or if it is hellfire, chaos, and anarchy. The unknown can only really threaten your stability if you allow it to dig in a bit too much, if you get what I mean.”
“I do.”
“Good.” Leonard stood, and brushed invisible lint from his pant legs. “I also have another proposition for you before I give you some good news.”
John smirked. “How about you give me the good news first?”
“Nice try. I make the rules.”
Asshole.
“What is the proposition?” John asked.
“You need a therapist when you leave here.”
John stiffened.
This was not a topic he wanted to discuss because it was a sore spot for him. He didn’t like the idea of leaving Clearview Oaks only to need to find a new therapist to see. He was not about to trust someone after the last debacle.
“I can physically feel how much discomfort this is causing you,” Leonard said.
“Yeah, well, what can you do,” John said through gritted teeth. “Nothing, apparently.”
“I would take your file on as a patient outside of this facility. Twice weekly. One weekday, and one day on the weekend.”
The tension in John’s body bled out slowly. “Would you?”
“Sometimes,” Leonard said, “it is more about the patient finding the right doctor, than it is about anything else.”
“Twice weekly, then.”
“Do you want the good news, now?”
John nodded, and stood from the chair. “I almost forgot about it with the whole new therapist thing, actually. What is it?”
“You’ll have visitors tomorrow. Your cousin—Andino—and a couple of people he’s bringing along. Ladies, apparently, if the information he provided is to be trusted. Unlike his father, Andino doesn’t tend to be disruptive when he comes here.”
John only laughed. “My uncle, Giovanni, makes it his first and only goal to have fun.”
“This is not the place for fun.”
“Mmm.”
“You didn’t ask who Andino is bringing, by the way,” Leonard said over his shoulder as he left the room.
Fuck.
He hadn’t.
Too late now.
• • •
“John, my man. You’re looking good.”
He heard his cousin’s greeting, and felt Andino’s firm hug, but John’s gaze was locked on the dark-haired beauty standing just a few feet away. After all, it was kind of fucking impossible for him to pay attention to anything when the love of his life was once again gracing his presence. She was the only thing that ever mattered.
Siena wore the brightest smile that matched the flower printed summer dress accentuating all of her curves and height. A dress that showed off all kinds of leg, and the four inch heels on her feet. She had let her long, dark hair down in soft waves. One of his favorite styles on her because he could wrap his fingers in the silky strands, and get lost. She’d painted her lips a striking red, and those blue eyes of hers never left him once.
Damn.
What had Andino just said?
John didn’t know.
His attention was somewhere else entirely.
“What?” he asked Andino.
His cousin only laughed, and the man’s green eyes looked John over. In his usual suit and shined shoes, Andino made John miss the fact he hadn’t worn proper Armani in months. Instead, he’d dressed down with jeans and T-shirts.
“Shit, you didn’t hear a word I just said, huh?” Andino asked.
John’s gaze drifted to a very patient, quiet Siena. “Not really, no. Sorry, man.”
Andino clapped John’s cheek with a gentle pat as he chuckled. “Nah, it’s okay. You’ve got a good reason to be off your game today. I guess they didn’t fill you in on who I was bringing along to visit, or what?”
“Leonard has his odd ways.”
“Sure, sure.”
“It’s good, though.”
So good.
John wasn’t the type who appreciated surprises, but this was far more than fine. Surprises were unknowns that he couldn’t prepare for, and he much preferred to prepare for an unknown. This, though? He didn’t mind this surprise at all.
“Anyway,” Andino said, turning to stand beside John. His cousin gestured in front of them. “I said, I hope you don’t mind that I brought someone else to properly meet you. I mean, I know this place is supposed to be sacred for you, and all. Focusing on you, but I might not get another time to do this before you come home.”
Yes.
The woman standing at Siena’s side.
Haven.
John had noticed the woman, of course, but his mind always tended to focus in on the most important things first, and then everything else second. Siena was, by far, the most important thing standing on the walkway in that moment when it came to John and his life. And shit, he had been counting down the days until he would get to see Siena again. Not that he had known today would be the day.
No offence to Haven.
Or Andino.
John said none of those things out loud.
“You don’t mind, do you?” Andino asked again.
John shook his head. “No, man. Of course, not.”
“Good. I want you to meet the girl I’m going to marry, you know. Properly fucking meet her, John. Not hear things about her from someone else, or see her in passing. Actually meet her with me. Take some time to sit down and have a real conversation with her. I talk about you all the time, and she’s a little out of the loop about me and you. Kind of a big fucking deal to me, and everything.”
John’s brow rose high as he took in his cousin a second time. Andino never looked more nervous than he had in that moment. His cousin scrubbed a hand over his unshaven jaw, and his gaze kept darting back to Haven like he didn’t want to take his eyes off her for even one damn minute.
Huh.
John knew that look.
He had that look.
Every time he looked at Siena, that was.
It was kind of strange for John to see his cousin so off-balance in this way. And marriage? Genuine, honest to God, going to settle down marriage?
John never thought he would see the day. Not where Andino was concerned, anyway. His cousin just wasn’t the type to settle down into a monogamous relationship where something like forever and love might get thrown in the conversation. Not to mention, Andino was usually the guy who liked to poke fun at a man who did get his dick tied into a knot over a woman.
This was a whole one-eighty.
So yeah, John did a double-take.
“Seriously?”
Andino nodded. “Yeah, man.”
“I thought … I mean, the family didn’t have a high opinion of her a few months ago, and all. I thought they had made it clear she wasn’t acceptable, or some shit. You kind of gave me the impression you didn’t know what the hell you were doing about them, her, or the rest.”
“It’s not about them.”
Fact.
He knew that all too well. Sometimes when it came to their family, the best thing a man could do on the personal side of his life was shut the fuck down. Keep everything closed up tight. Make it clear nothing was open for discussion.
John didn’t know if that’s what Andino had done when it came to Haven, or not. It also really didn’t fucking matter.
Good for Andino.
Whatever it took to get what the man wanted.
John laughed, and clapped his cousin on the shoulder. Dragging Andino in for a quick, tight one-armed hug, the two men’s laughter colored up the front yard of the facility. Andino hugged John back with a firm hold.
Some of John’s unease about leaving the facility started to drift away in those few seconds. Despite how his disorder often colored up his impressions and perceptions of his family, he still found himself reminded time and time again of their loyalty and love for him.
No, he didn’t mind at all that Andino brought his girl along. He appreciated it, really. He would make sure to take time and speak with Haven while she was there because it was what she, and Andino, deserved.
Besides, the woman had to be something interesting to catch Andino Marcello’s eye, and steal his fucking heart.
But for now …
“Give me some time with Siena,” John said quietly as he pulled away from his cousin. “It’s been too long.”
Andino stepped aside. “You got it, John.”
All John needed to do was hold his hand out in Siena’s direction, and she instantly darted forward to catch it with her own. The second her warm palm fitted in his, and her fingers wove around his own, John’s world tilted back to its proper axis once more.
Strange how that worked.
It had been months since he looked at her—talked to her—and yet it took only one single touch from her to settle him. His restless heart calmed, and his tight chest relaxed. Everything that was right and good in his world was currently holding his hand. It was just a gesture. A small act of affection, but it was everything and more to John, too.
Siena’s blue eyes met his, and her sweet smile grew a little more. Her olive-toned skin flushed with a happy pink when he bent down and caught her lips in a quick kiss. Maybe he should have asked if that was okay with her, but the way she kissed him back said it was just fucking fine, anyway.
He had a million and one things to ask.
About her.
Them.
The outside.
The families.
Business.
The war she had alluded to the last time she was there with him.
So damn much.
And yet, all John wanted to do was kiss her. He only wanted to drag Siena closer, wrap his arms around her, and breathe her in. All her familiar warmth, scent, and love. All of her.
The world ceased to exist.
Nothing else mattered.
Unfortunately, the facility had goddamn policies about public displays of affection, and that forced John to pull away from the kiss far sooner than he wanted to. Siena only grinned and kissed the pad of his thumb when he stroked her bottom lip.
“Damn, I missed you,” he said.
Through thick, lowered lashes, she watched him. “Did you?”
“Every day.”
“Every single day?”
John smirked. “First thing on my mind in the morning.”
“What about at night?”
“Last thing I think about before I go to sleep, bella.”
Siena’s love colored her happiness. John knew his wasn’t always as easy to see because he made a great effort to keep those vulnerable parts of himself well hidden from the world. It had become such a habit that he worried now whether or not the people who deserved to see his love could actually see it.
People like Siena.
She had her ways of reminding him everything was just fine. Her palm came up to cup the side of his face, and her thumb stroked his cheekbone.
“I missed you, too.”
“Walk with me,” he demanded.
Siena nodded, and tucked in close to his side as they moved off the main walkway, and headed onto the cobblestone path that led all over the facility’s private, protected grounds. John took a quick look over his shoulder, and found Andino was still standing side by side with Haven. His cousin hugged the woman in close, and kissed the top of her head when she laughed about something.
Yeah, John most definitely knew that look his cousin sported.
Siena’s quiet little hum brought John’s attention right back to her. Glittering eyes looked him over, and she reached up to stroke his face once more with her fingertips. “I wish I had more time today.”
John tried not to frown, and failed. “Andino didn’t say anything about you leaving.”
“I only have a couple of hours before I have to be back. Yoga ends at two, so.”
“Yeah, still doing that, huh?”
Siena let out a hard breath, and looked away from him when she spoke again. “It’s the only way I can get out of my brothers’ sights for more than five minutes. Or hell, one of the enforcers they’re always sticking me with.”
He didn’t like the sound of that.
Not at all.
“So what, they haven’t figured out that you sneak away when you’re supposed to be at yoga, yet?” he asked.
“No.” Siena shrugged. “But I’ve only done it when I need to do something, or meet someone.”
“Meet someone?”
“Andino, mostly. Sometimes it’s someone else.”
“Meet them for what?” he pressed.
“Not important.”
John tugged on his girl’s hand, and the action made her look at him. “It is important, amore. Why are you meeting people behind your brothers’ backs, and what’s happening that people aren’t telling me about?”
“A lot.”
“Like what?”
Siena glanced over her shoulder, and back down the path. They had gone far enough that neither of them could see Andino or Haven any longer. John doubted his cousin would leave him alone for very long, especially not if the visit wasn’t meant to last.
“Andino doesn’t want me—”
“Fuck what he wants,” John said. “It’s me asking right now.”
Siena looked down at the path. “There’s a lot of stuff that’s happened over the past little while since you came here. At first, the families tried to avoid a feud between them with more peaceful means. When all that went to shit, the violence really got started.”
“You said war before.”
“That’s the impression I got from my brothers.”
“But was it?” he asked.
Siena shook her head. “Not like it is now. It’s bad now.”
Fuck.
“No one’s mentioned this to me when they visit,” he said.
Siena cleared her throat. “You have to focus on you.”
“I’m aware, but—”
Quick as a blink, Siena had turned on her heel, and stopped John from walking any further on the pathway. Her hands came up to press against his chest, and her fingernails dug in just enough to make him suck in a sharp breath.
She tipped her head up, and pressed a fast kiss to his lips. Just like that, everything he was worrying about was gone in an instant.
The girl had many talents.
Distracting him was just one.
“I promised Andino I wouldn’t tell you,” Siena whispered against his lips. “Please just focus on you for the time you have left here, John.”
“I am,” he assured her.
His hands cupped her face, and he kept her close enough that she was forced to keep her eyes on only him. Nothing else but him.
He needed to see her, too.
“They mean well,” she said. “You have to trust them.”
He heard her.
He understood.
It still was hard.