Chapter Twenty-Eight
“Joanna! Wait!”
Joanna heard Liam running behind her, but she didn’t slow her pace. But even with her head start, he caught up to her. Him and his stupid long legs.
“Joanna,” he said, but she didn’t stop. He grabbed her arm and turned her, but she shook him off, hard.
He held his hands up. “Joanna, I don’t know what you heard . . .”
“Oh, I heard plenty. You’re going to sell me out to your new friend, Hal.”
“That’s not what—”
“What, you’re not going to ask me to cancel the show? You’re gonna let the library go down in flames for a stupid rock band? That’s pretty dumb, Liam.”
“No, of course I wasn’t—”
“Don’t touch me!” She knew she was making a scene, and right outside the library. But she couldn’t help it. If he touched her, she would forgive him, and if she forgave him, he’d just dump her at the next big opportunity.
“I heard what you said,” she shouted. She shouldn’t be shouting. There were kids in the parking lot. Parents watching with interest. If she wasn’t driving Granny’s car, she would hop in and drive off, but no matter how comfortable she was driving it, there was no way she was zooming anywhere in that thing. Not with other people in the parking lot.
Although maybe she could run over Liam. Just a little. Just so he could feel how it hurt.
“I didn’t say—”
“Don’t lie to me! I heard you say you would think about it.”
“I didn’t mean that! I wasn’t going to ask you to cancel the show. That’s ridiculous. That’s not how this whole process works. I was just buying time. I thought if—”
“I don’t believe you. I think you had a split second to choose between me and the library, and you didn’t choose me.”
“Joanna, that’s not fair.”
“Don’t tell me what’s not fair! What’s not fair is always coming in second, is everyone having a perfectly reasonable explanation for why they’re screwing me over!”
“Please, just calm down.”
“Don’t you be all reasonable with me! I know you had to do it. Of course you’d make that choice. But don’t come after me, all reasonable and shit, and expect me to like it!”
“I don’t think you understand—”
“Oh, I understand.” She stepped up to him, put her finger in his face. She hated when people put their finger in her face when she was arguing, but she did it anyway. “You get it both ways, don’t you? You get your stupid library, and you got me. Well, I’m not going to let you use me like that.”
“Use you? How am I using you?”
She could see that she was finally getting under his skin. Good. It almost made her feel calmer.
Almost.
“What could I possibly be using you for?” he shouted.
And now she was totally calm. Dead calm. Her heart was a stone. It could not be broken.
“Wait, hold on,” he pleaded. “That came out wrong.”
She wanted to say one more thing, throw something in his face before she turned and walked away. But she didn’t have anything. He was right. She was nothing to him, just a warm body and a pleasant diversion while she bided her time in this shitty place.
So she didn’t say anything. She just got in the car, slammed the door. But there were too many people around, so she got out again. She slammed the door again. And she marched across the library lawn.
“What about your car?” she heard him ask, but she just gave him the finger and stomped toward home.
* * *
“Well, you’re certainly in a mood.”
How very astute of Granny to notice, Joanna thought, as she stomped into her bedroom and slammed the door. The force knocked over a pile of CDs. She kicked them.
She knew she was being childish. But she was just so pissed off. Pissed at Liam, yes, but she couldn’t really blame him. One show for a not-ver y-good band at a bar they could play at any time, versus half the funding for the entire library. She knew she was being stupid. She shouldn’t feel angry or hurt. But she did, and that made her even angrier.
It was that same thing all over again. Liam, and Bunny Slippers, and her parents. Why was the right thing to do always the thing that involved shitting on her?
Someone knocked on her door. Granny, obviously. Unless Liam ran those stupid runner legs over here. And Granny would let him in. She loved Liam. She would choose Liam over Joanna.
“Sweetie?”
That was definitely Granny. Liam would never call her sweetie. He’d called her baby a few times, but not in public, and not in a context that was at all similar to this situation.
Good thing she hadn’t gotten used to it, because she wasn’t going to hear it again.
The doorknob turned—so at least she hadn’t broken the door when she slammed it—and Starr bolted in and made a beeline for her pillow. Granny followed, limping just a little bit.
“Do you want to tell me what’s going on?”
“No.” Joanna crossed her arms over her chest. Well, if she was going to throw a temper tantrum, might as well go all the way.
“Is it the girls? Are you having a problem with the band?”
“What? No, no, the band is fine.”
“Good. I’m looking forward to that show tonight.”
“You’re going to the show?”
“Of course I am! I was at the first Delicious Lies show when you were in high school. I plan on being at the revival.”
At least she had Granny.
Then she remembered what Hal had said, about the council meeting being tonight. Granny would want to be there. Granny should be there. It was the right thing to do.
Again.
Granny sighed, and Joanna was once again convinced that her grandmother was a mind reader.
“When you came to live with me, do you remember that?”
Joanna nodded. Of course she did.
“At first it made you so happy, when you used to visit me in the summers.”
“Your cookies were better than Mom’s.” Granny wasn’t the best baker around, but at least she didn’t use vegan carob chips in her cookies.
Granny laughed. “You were so skinny. I was happy to fatten you up a little.”
“Thanks, Gran.”
“Then one month turned into two, then the summer was almost over, and it became clear that your parents weren’t coming back. I think you knew before I did. You were so angry.”
Joanna remembered that, too. Remembered telling Granny that she didn’t do things like her mom did, that she didn’t read stories like her dad did. Remembered this force inside her, pushing to get out, and she just wanted to fight everyone.
“Here’s what I don’t think you understand. I wanted you from the moment you were born. You were my precious grandbaby. Of course I knew I couldn’t have you, I couldn’t take you from your parents. But I wanted to. And then they left you, and part of me was glad.” She wiped the corners of her eyes. Joanna looked away. She wasn’t going to be able to stay mad if Granny was crying. “And then they died and I thought, is this my fault? Did I somehow will this because I wanted you so badly?”
“What? Granny, no. No, of course not.”
“I know that. Of course I do, it makes no sense.” She was really crying now, and Joanna could feel the lump in her throat. But she knelt down in front of Granny anyway. “I think I just needed someplace to put my feelings until I could deal with them properly. That’s why I got you guitar lessons, you know. I thought it would be a good outlet for you.”
“It was. It is. Thank you.”
“But I wonder if it isn’t good enough, because I don’t think you understand. Your parents left you, yes, but I didn’t take care of you because I had to, dammit!” Joanna sat back because Granny was crying and yelling and she wasn’t really sure what to do with that. “I did it because I love you! You are the most precious thing in the world to me, and to see you holding on to that hurt your parents caused you . . . did I not love you enough?”
“What, Granny, no. No, of course not. I always knew that you loved me.”
Granny wiped her eyes and let out a watery chuckle. “Sorry. I know you did. I know you know I did the best I could, though you sorely tested me. I just . . . I sometimes feel a little sorry for myself, you know?”
Joanna sighed. “Yeah, I know a little bit about that.”
“So please, whatever is wrong, don’t bottle it up. Don’t take it out on people who don’t deserve it.”
Joanna hung her head. “I won’t,” she promised, even though it was already too late. But maybe she could fix it. She’d have to apologize to Liam. And she’d have to . . .
The house phone rang, and Granny got up to answer. Joanna heard her talking from the living room. “Oh, Liam, how nice of you . . . what? Well, all right, I’ll see if she wants to talk to you.”
Joanna panicked. She wasn’t ready. She had to be sure of what she said because she didn’t want to mess it up. Then a car honked from the driveway, and it was Trina in her badass truck, to pick her up for the gig. Shit, it was all happening too fast. What was she going to do, walk off the stage? Not again, she couldn’t do that again. She needed to stop and figure it out. But Trina honked another time and she heard Granny coming down the hall with the phone, and she just grabbed Rosetta and brushed past her and got in the truck with Trina.