CHAPTER 24

Emerson

EVERY DAY THAT PASSES, I feel better. Stronger. Physically, my body is almost back to normal. I still have pain in my chest every so often, and there are still a few tender spots, but other than that I’m okay.

I talk to Jean every day, and she’s one of the biggest reasons I’m getting better. I knew eventually I’d need to get help. I was going on days of no sleep, and now that I’m actually getting a couple hours a night, I feel better.

But the nightmares are still there, and the fear is still present. Today she told me that she wants to try something different, but it’s fucking with my head. She wants Levi to join us for one of the video sessions, and it’s one of my biggest fears. Levi knows so little about what happened to me, only the basics, and I’m not sure I want him to know everything.

Since my first call with Jean two weeks ago, I’ve been doing everything in my power to be intimate with Levi. It’s probably stupid of me, but I need him. From the very beginning, we’ve had an intimacy that went far past the physical act of sex. We were always finding ways to be together, even if it wasn’t going all the way.

I miss him. My body misses him. I initiate it every chance I get, but he pushes me away. The other night, I waited until he fell asleep and then I kept teasing his body, trying to get him in the mood while he was asleep, hoping he’d do what he used to—wake up and fuck me into the following week—but he didn’t. He actually rolled over and went back to sleep.

I left the bed a few minutes later when he started snoring, and I crept into the guest bathroom, taking the hottest shower possible, trying to rid myself of the filth that’s keeping Levi from touching me. I mean, I get it. Why would he want me knowing men tried to use my body for their own needs? But I still need him.

Lily is having a sleepover at Abby and Scott’s tonight and I’m alone downstairs, finishing a load of laundry. When it’s all done, I fold the clothes and leave the basket on the couch. Padding to the front door, I lock the deadbolt and turn the security system on. Looking through the peephole, I find nothing as usual, but I still have to do it. I can’t sleep at night unless I make sure we’re safe.

Strolling through the dark house, I go in search of Levi. It’s so quiet without Lily here, but we need the alone time. It’s been a month and I’m hoping that tonight can be the night. I need to be intimate with him. Need to feel close to him. I miss us.

I find Levi in our bedroom, sitting up in bed with his tablet on his lap. He has on the dark-framed glasses I love so much, and he’s in just a pair of gray sweats. He looks up when I enter the room and smiles at me.

“Hey, baby.”

“What are you doing?”

I climb onto the bed, and he puts the tablet to the side so I can settle myself on his lap.

“Checking emails. Nothing too exciting.”

Sliding my arms loosely around his neck, I give him a soft kiss and run my hands through his hair. Levi’s hands gently rest on my waist and I try to deepen the kiss, holding him tighter.

“I love those glasses on you,” I mumble, pulling them from his face.

“Thanks, I think,” he chuckles. But before I can move things further, he kisses me on the nose and slides me off him, picking his tablet back up. Tears burn my eyes and I fight to push them back.

“Sorry, I’m just really tired. I need to finish this and then we can head to bed, okay?”

Nodding, I fold my legs under me and pretend to focus on whatever movie is playing on the television. A few minutes later, he turns the tablet off and gets off the bed. He stops at the dresser and pulls on a T-shirt, then moves to the bathroom. Before he reaches it, I finally have the courage to ask him what I’ve needed to since he first started rejecting me a couple weeks ago.

“Don’t you want me anymore?”

Levi stops dead in his tracks and his body goes rigid. He doesn’t turn to face me, so I continue on, the tears finally falling down my cheeks.

“I knew you’d be repulsed by what they did. I shower twice a day and I’m still nasty—”

“Do not finish that sentence. I swear to Christ, Em. Don’t.” Levi turns around, his features filled with pain.

“I’ve told you I’m fine, Levi. I’m ready to be with you, and you reject me every time.”

“You’re not fine. And you aren’t ready. I’m not rejecting you, Emmy. I’m protecting you.”

“Protecting me? Like you did the last time?” The words fly from my mouth before I can stop them, and I instantly see the effect they have on him. Levi’s expression hardens and I don’t miss the tears that fill his eyes. He nods and turns to leave the room.

“No, Levi, please don’t. I’m so sorry, that’s not what I meant.”

“Heard you crystal clear, Emerson.”

Emerson.

He’s almost at the door when I scramble from the bed and run over to him, grabbing his arms. He fights against me, and the sobs break free from my chest.

“Levi, please don’t leave me. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it. Please. I love you. Don’t go.”

“Em...”

“Don’t go. Please. Oh my God, Levi, you can’t leave me.”

He stops fighting me and my head drops to his back, and I wrap my arms around his waist from behind. I’m not sure if it’s the idea of him leaving or how much I just hurt him, but I finally let myself grieve for what we’ve gone through. Tears are unashamedly soaking into his shirt, and his rough hands grip mine tightly.

“Levi, please don’t go,” I whisper brokenly into his back. “I swear I didn’t mean what I said. None if this was your fault. I hate myself for hurting you just now, but I want it all to be over. I want to go to bed and not see their faces. I don’t want their hands to be the last that touched me. I want the man I love to want me back. To not wish I wasn’t a filthy reminder of who he used to have. Please.”

Levi is still as stone, and I fear that no number of apologies will fix this. He doesn’t force me away, just holds my hands while I weep into his back.

“I’m sorry,” he rasps. His forehead drops to the wall in front of us, and his back shakes as he cries with me. I squeeze him tighter and he finally turns in my arms. His cheeks are wet with his own emotions, and he looks completely devastated. Bending down, he picks me up and carries me over to the bed. He sits on the edge and maneuvers me onto his lap, my legs wrapping around his waist.

I drop my forehead to his and clasp the sides of his face.

“Why are you sorry?” I whisper.

“I need you to listen to me, okay?” I nod and wrap my arms around his neck. “I watched the security tapes. I saw you take Lily upstairs. I saw you running from those men, and I watched that piece of shit smash your face into a wall. I watched you bleed onto the floor, and I was helpless. He carried you from the house like a rag doll and I couldn’t do anything about it. It replays over and over and over.”

My heart clenches with every word as tears continue to run down his face.

“For three days, I had no idea if you were alive. If I’d get to see your beautiful smile again. If I’d wake up with you in my arms. If we’d get to raise Lily toge—” He breaks off on a sob and I pull him to me, his face buried in my neck.

“Levi.”

“I watched you wander the house like a zombie. I watched your nightmares, and I see the fear that still lingers in your eyes when the doorbell rings. I know you think you’re ready for things, but what if I touch you and it takes you back? I can’t be the reason you have those nightmares. I can’t be the one to hurt you again. I love you so much, baby. I’m so sorry for how I’ve made you feel. I’m such an asshole for that. Fuck, I hate that you feel so dirty. You aren’t anything less than the beautiful, sexy, amazing woman I fell in love with.”

Levi’s words have me crying harder, and he grabs my face to force my gaze to his. His tears haven’t slowed, but despite them, he smiles at me.

“You’re still my Emmy. Are there more scars than when I met you? Sure. But that doesn’t change my feelings for you. I just want you to get better, baby. I know how much this destroyed you, because it hurts me too. Every time you cry out for me in your sleep, it breaks me, knowing I couldn’t save you. That I wasn’t there for you.”

“Levi, stop.”

“Em—” he begins, but I gently place my index finger over his lips.

“Stop. I need to talk now, okay?”

He nods.

Climbing off his lap, I brush the tears from my cheeks and take a deep breath, then sit back against the headboard and pull the blankets over my lap. Levi moves to sit in front of me, folding his long legs under him. He reaches out to take one of my hands and nods again, his signal to continue talking.

“I’m sorry you had to see that tape, Levi. I hate that you hurt so bad, not knowing what happened to me. Where I was. But while you were looking for me, I was fighting. Not just for me but for us, for Lily. I wasn’t going to die without a fight. Every time they touched me, or tried to hurt me, I went to this place inside my head where it was just me and you. You were the only thing I could think about. Your touch, your scent, your smile. You are the only reason I survived, Levi.”

Dropping my head into my free hand, I cry loudly for a moment, but Levi doesn’t move. His thumb softly rubs the back of my hand but I don’t look at him, knowing I need to finish. That I need to tell him my fears.

“I know for a fact that if I’d never been found, I would’ve died. But not before they raped me over and over again. Before they’d gotten some sick pleasure from hurting me, torturing me. I didn’t let them take anything from me that I couldn’t get back. It cost me a lot of pain, and I know so many of those wounds and scars are emotional, and it’s gonna take me a lot of time before they even start to heal. But I really am okay, Levi. I’m home safe with you.”

I open my eyes and look at the beautiful yet hurting man in front of me. I reach out to brush the tears off his stubbled cheeks, then lean forward to gently kiss him.

“I love you, Levi. I’m sorry that you think you didn’t help me, but you did. You are the only reason I’m alive. I knew you wouldn’t let me go.”

“I never will, baby. Without you, my heart isn’t whole. I’m not even half the man I know how to be without you. I promise, when we’re both ready to be together in the way you want, we will. But just give it time, Em. My love for you will never lessen. And stop hiding your pain and emotions. Fuck, I feel like a douchebag for breaking down again just now. I’m supposed to be strong for you and help you.”

“No. You’re my hero. You really are. You are strong, Levi, but like you just said, hiding your pain, holding it back? It’s only hurting you. If we’re gonna heal and move on, we need to stop pretending and start talking. If that means we close the door and cry, then that’s what we do. If it means watching a movie we’ve seen a hundred times, then we do that. We’re stronger together, Levi. We need each other. I love you, so much more than you know.”

Levi gives me a small smile, and then he pulls the blankets back, crawling into bed next to me. We lie on our sides facing each other, one of his strong arms tight around my back. He presses a soft kiss to my forehead and then closes his eyes.

“I love you, baby. And no more extra showers, okay? That kills me. Just come to me when you feel that way and we’ll find other ways to get you through it. I’m going to do whatever it takes to fix this. To get you healthy again.”

“I just need you, Levi. We’ll be okay. You promise?”

“I promise, baby. Now close your eyes and sleep. No bad dreams, okay? Just think about this beautiful world we have together. Only sweet dreams.”

“You are my dream, Levi Jackson.”

I feel his smile against my skin, and I follow him into the first peaceful night of sleep I’ve had in a month. No bad dreams, just Levi and me.