CHAPTER | EIGHTEEN
She was a live coward. An exhausted, bone-weary coward, but a chicken nonetheless. Which was stupid, really. No one had said anything to her after the night of the . . . Hell, she didn’t even know what to call it. Gangbang?
She winced. Bad word choice. It might be apropos, but she didn’t have to like it. And the thing was, she enjoyed it. It was sexy and she’d definitely orgasmed long and hard. It was the aftermath where reality caught up to her that squeezed her insides.
Some things . . . Some things just weren’t worth the end result. Something had changed between her and Brody and Tate that night. Something that made her afraid. Like maybe they’d turned a corner they couldn’t go back on.
She needed to talk to them about it, but she was too worried about what they’d say. So she’d avoided them for days, hoping . . . stupidly hoping that if she ignored the problem it would go away.
Add dumb to coward and you got a stupid chicken.
When Zoe realized she’d been sitting in the driveway for five minutes now, she shook her head and got out of her vehicle. From the looks of things Brody and Chase were both home. Tate was not. Well, two out of three wasn’t bad, and it was a start.
Just before entering the house, she rubbed her damp palms nervously down the legs of her scrubs. What the hell was she afraid of?
Well, she knew; she just didn’t know if her fears were founded or not.
When she walked into the kitchen, she found Chase waiting for her. Or at least she assumed that was what he was doing since he was in the center of the room staring directly at her.
There was a seriousness to his expression that unsettled her. She couldn’t read his eyes, didn’t know if he was angry or upset, or if he was anything at all.
“Hey,” he said softly. “Tough day at work?”
She tried to answer, but her throat was so tight that the words died before they ever hit her tongue. She swallowed and tried again.
“Just tired. Usual stuff. Nothing out of the ordinary.”
She hated this awkwardness between them. They weren’t the type to indulge in meaningless little small talk. And yet here they stood, feet apart, talking about mundane shit. Next they’d actually be discussing the weather.
“We need to talk,” he said in a somber voice. Again, nothing in his expression betrayed what his intent was. So she nodded because they did need to talk.
She just wished she weren’t so afraid of the outcome.
He reached out and picked up her hand, his fingers curling around her palm. “Before anything else is said, I need you to know I love you. That’s not going to change no matter what.”
“You’re scaring me,” she whispered.
His eyes softened. “There’s nothing to be afraid of, baby. I just need you to know I love you and nothing’s ever going to change that. Tate . . . Brody and I have some things we need to say to you.”
She glanced around Chase to see Brody leaning against the doorway to the kitchen, his expression tense . . . but hopeful.
The door opened behind her, and she swung around to see Tate standing in the doorway, his eyes dark, his features drawn tight. He looked past her to Chase.
“I’m here,” he said in a low voice. “Am I too late?”
Her brow furrowed as she looked between the two men. What in the hell was going on?
“No, Zoe just got home,” Chase said.
Tate walked in and shut the door behind him. Without another word he walked up to Zoe and surprised her by pulling her into his arms.
“Don’t look so worried,” he murmured against her ear. “We’ll work things out, okay?”
Before she could respond, he tilted her chin up and kissed her, his fingers tangling in her hair as he pulled her closer to him. When he stepped back, she stared at him in bewilderment. He smiled, touched a finger to her swollen lips, and then walked past her toward the living room.
She turned back to Chase, looking for his reaction to what had just occurred.
“Chase, what is going on?”
He held out his hand, palm up. It was a request for her trust. He wanted her to come with him into the living room where Tate and Brody had retreated. As she slid her fingers over his hand, butterflies took wing in her stomach.
Fear and uncertainty gripped her as Chase led her toward the living room. She sensed this moment was huge. Bigger than anything else that might happen in her life. How she handled it would have an impact, not only on her, but on the lives of the three people she loved most in the world.
Neither Tate nor Brody was sitting. They stood in different parts of the room. Tension emanated from them until she could feel their discomfort as keenly as her own.
Had their friendship come to this? Awkward moments where they couldn’t even look at each other without uncertainty? Where they couldn’t talk without some grand production? Had she done this with her avoidance? Had she gone too far with fantasies that should have been confined to pillow talk with Chase?
She didn’t want to lose Tate and Brody. She didn’t want to lose Chase. She took heart from his declaration just a few moments ago. No matter what, he loved her. That wouldn’t change. Right?
But he didn’t speak for Tate and Brody. Only they could do that. And now she was afraid to hear what they had to say.
“I’ll start by offering you the same apology I’ve already offered Tate and Brody,” Chase began in a low voice. “You all need to hear it together because it builds the foundation of everything else we need to discuss.”
Her head swiveled in Chase’s direction. “Apology?” What did he have to apologize for?
Chase nodded slowly. “I had a good idea of what might happen if I asked Tate and Brody to participate in your fantasy. It’s not that I wanted trouble. Quite the opposite, actually. I thought ...”
“He thought there was a possibility that the four of us could share a unique relationship,” Brody said.
She turned in Brody’s direction to see him staring at her, his eyes so intense that she shivered under his scrutiny. “Four?”
“He suspected that we . . . I . . . was in love with you,” Tate said.
“And me,” Brody added quietly.
Her pulse ratcheted up until she could feel it pounding at her temples. “Are you?” she managed to croak out.
“Yes,” Brody answered, his voice tight.
She looked to Tate to see him standing there looking so . . . distant. He hesitated for a long second. Then his gaze found hers, and in that moment she saw raw vulnerability.
“Yes,” Tate finally said in a voice that was almost too low for her to hear “I do. I have. For a long time.”
She opened her mouth, but what could she say? She turned helplessly in Chase’s direction. How could she say anything at all? If she denied her feelings for Tate and Brody, she lost them, surely. But if she said anything, what would that do to Chase?
Chase closed the distance between them and gently cupped his palm to her cheek. “Do you remember what I said in the kitchen? Remember that, Zoe. Nothing that happens, nothing, will change the fact that I love you.”
She looked into his eyes and saw not only acceptance, but something else. Approval? Hope? It was then she realized that she wasn’t the only one agonizing over what could be lost here. These guys were friends. Not just her best friends, but each other’s best friends as well.
Slowly she pulled away from Chase and turned to face Tate and Brody. She licked her lips and hoped she had the courage to do the impossible.
“I love you too. Maybe I always have. Not just as friends.” The admission felt better than she imagined. Weight that she’d borne for days lifted, and she felt lighter and freer. “I don’t know what to do, though,” she whispered. “What do we do? I love Chase too. I don’t want to hurt any of you. I swear I never meant for this to happen.”
This time Brody came to her and shushed her with a gentle finger to her lips. His eyes were alight with relief and understanding, but an edge of worry still shadowed his gaze.
“You aren’t to blame, Zoe. Neither is Chase, though he seems determined to shoulder it all. I could have said no. I knew what would happen. I also know I don’t want to lose you.”
She stared helplessly up at him. “Then how?”
Tate and Chase gathered until the four of them formed a loose circle in the middle of the room. Tate stared fiercely at Chase.
“Did you mean what you said earlier?” Tate demanded.
“I meant it,” Chase said quietly. “But it’s not up to me. It’s Zoe’s decision.”
“What are you talking about?” Zoe asked as she searched each of their faces for some sign of what was going on between them.
Brody touched her cheek again and took a step back so that she was surrounded by the three men.
“It sounded so complicated when Chase brought it up earlier,” Brody said. “And now it seems so simple. He was right when he asked me if I would care about anything other than that you had accepted it.”
Confusion clouded her mind. “Accepted what?”
Tate stared directly into her eyes. “Us.”
Chase’s hand slid up her arm and then squeezed her shoulder. “The three of us, baby. We love you. You love us. We don’t want to lose you and I don’t think you want to lose any of us. What we propose . . . what we want to try . . . is the four of us. We already live together in this house. We’ve made love to you. We would continue our current . . . relationship. The four of us. You’d be with Brody and Tate. Not just me.”
Her mouth fell open, and she turned so she could judge the veracity of his words for herself. He was unsure, but not of his decision. He was unsure of her.
“I don’t understand,” she said faintly. Some of the exhaustion caught up to her. She felt like someone had dropped a brick on her head. She swayed and suddenly Brody was there, gripping her arms as he guided her down onto the couch. “I don’t understand,” she said again as she sank onto the cushions.
Brody knelt in front of her, his eyes earnest. He framed her face between his hands and brushed the pads of his thumbs over her cheekbones.
“I don’t have all the answers, Zoe. I’m as uncertain as you are. But the one thing I do know is that I love you and I don’t want to be without you. Right now that has to be enough because it’s all any of us can offer with any certainty.”
“How does it work? How can it work? The three of you accept that I not only love you but two other men as well? What sort of commitment are we talking about here? I mean is this casual? Will you step away from the ‘relationship’ if you find another woman?”
She was babbling like a moron now, and judging by Brody’s expression, he didn’t have any liking for her gibberish.
He scowled at her, his eyes fierce. “This isn’t casual, Zoe. I won’t accept casual. There is no other woman for me. Just because there’s more than one guy in this thing doesn’t make my commitment to you any less. Or your commitment to me. Yeah, you’re with two other guys, but that’s it. No others. Period. Even in fantasy land.”
A ghost of a smile hovered on her lips. “What if you’re my fantasy?”
He cupped his hand behind her neck and pulled her into a fierce kiss. His lips melted over hers in a show of possession. He didn’t just kiss her. He owned her.
He pulled away, his eyes half-lidded and clouded with desire. “I’d say that’s a damn good thing.”
She glanced over his shoulder to see Tate in the distance, his head turned as he stared out the window. Brody turned and followed her gaze. Then he sighed and rose to stand in front of her. He extended his hand down to help her up.
The few steps toward Tate had a surreal quality, like she was inside a dream and couldn’t shake herself awake. He turned when she stopped just a few inches away.
“Tate?”
He watched her for a moment, his eyes dark and probing. “You want me to respond to that bullshit?”
She laughed, though it sounded strained. “No. Well, maybe. I probably didn’t say it like I should have, but I’m still spinning here. I could use some help. I feel like I’m falling down some hole that doesn’t have a bottom.”
The corner of his mouth lifted into a half smile. “Welcome to my world. It’s the way I’ve felt since the first time I touched you and made love to you.”
She leaned into his body and reached down to take his hand. “Did you mean all of that? All of what they said?”
“I did. I do. And as for that crap you said about casual and other women. Well, it’s crap and that’s all I really need to say about that. What I feel for you is anything but casual.”
She smiled and rested her forehead against his chest.
“This won’t be easy for you, Zoe. I don’t want to pretend it will be just so we talk you into something we desperately want. We have one person to please. You have three very distinct personalities, each pulling you in a different direction and sometimes at the same time.”
She closed her eyes, absorbing the words, the idea that she was loved by three men who meant the world to her. Three men she loved in return. One of whom she already had a stable relationship with. The other two? On the cusp of something new. Still fresh. Feeling their way around. Could they do it?
“I love you, Tate. I do. I need you to know that.”
He tugged gently at her hair until she tilted her head up so she could see him.
“I love you too, Zoe. We can make this work. I admit, I had to think about it. I’m still thinking about it. But I want to try. I don’t want to walk away, and I don’t want to lose you. Can you do the same? Try? For me. For us?”
Her stomach clenched, and instinctively, she turned, searching for Chase. The commitment had to come from her. Had to be her decision. Chase couldn’t do it for her. But she had to know she had his support. She had to know he was okay with this.
Tate loosened his hold on her and then leaned down to whisper in her ear. “Go to him. I know you’re worried.”
She rose up on tiptoe and brushed her lips across his and then backed away and turned to where Chase stood—alone—across the room, hands shoved into his pockets, his mouth set into a firm line as he watched the goings-on around him.
“Chase,” she said as she approached.
He opened his arms to her and she rushed into them, relief crushing down on her.
“I don’t know what to think.”
Her voice was muffled by his shirt, and her fingers curled into his waist in a silent plea. She needed time to process everything that had gone on in the last few minutes. It was easy to say yeah, okay, great idea. Nobody would be hurt. Everyone won. But beyond that initial gloss, what then? Would it really work out? Four people in a committed relationship?
“I know it’s a lot, baby,” Chase murmured against her hair. “I just want you to be happy. I want the hurting and uncertainty to stop. No one’s happy right now. We’re all miserable. I want you to stop feeling like you can’t come home because we’re here.”
She winced at the accuracy of his assessment.
“Answer me one thing, Zoe.”
Slowly she pushed away from his body and stared up into his eyes.
“What do you want? If you could have this work out any way you wanted, how would it go down in your mind? Don’t be afraid to be honest. Just tell me what you want.”
“I want us to be together,” she blurted. “All of us. I don’t want Brody or Tate to leave.”
Then she realized what she’d said. Her mouth rounded to an O, and her eyes widened as she met Chase’s gaze.
“That’s what we want too,” Chase said softly.
Could it be that simple? Really?
She briefly closed her eyes as her mind raced to catch up. What about . . .
“We can only take it as it comes,” she murmured.
When she opened her eyes again, Chase was gazing down at her, his face soft with love.
“That is all we can do,” Chase agreed. “I’m going to fight for this, Zoe. For you. For me. I’m not going anywhere. No matter what happens.”
She smiled, and the faint stirring of hope flared and blazed higher in her chest.
“We know it won’t be easy, Zoe,” Brody said.
She turned her head to see Tate and Brody standing a short distance away.
“But we’re willing to try,” Tate said. “It’s going to take work. From all of us. I can promise you that I won’t quit.”
She sucked in a deep breath, gripped Chase’s hand, and then reached across the space toward Brody and Tate.
Brody slid his palm underneath hers while Tate cupped his hand over the top of her hand.
“I won’t quit either, Zoe,” Brody vowed.
“I love you.” She tested the words on her lips. Liked how easily they rolled off her tongue. “I love you,” she said again. “I won’t quit either.”
For the first time, Brody and Tate smiled. Really smiled. She hadn’t seen them look so relaxed and happy in a while. Since before . . .
“I’m sorry,” she choked out.
Their smiles turned to confusion.
“What for?” Tate demanded.
“That night. Dillon.”
Brody shook his head. “You have nothing to be sorry for. We start fresh. Right here. Right now. From now on, any fantasies you want fulfilled, we’re your guys.”
She smiled. “I can deal with that. I still have lots and lots of fantasies . . .”
Chase groaned, and then they all laughed.
“She’s going to wear us out,” Chase said.
“And right now my fantasy is for you to love me,” she said in a husky voice as she looked in turn at the three men standing in front of her.
“That,” Tate said, “might be the easiest fantasy we ever fulfill.”