Thursday
Emily
If you stand on the steps of the Sydney Opera House, you can see the Harbour Bridge. It makes for a great photo. You can also feel a little like you are trapped in a postcard. From there, you can catch a ferry to pretty much anywhere you want to go in the city. Usually, it’s much faster than driving. It’s easy to not drive in a city where public transport is more efficient than a car.
‘I can’t believe how many landmarks have been crammed into one boat ride. Did your government plan this out?’
Alex and I sat on the open deck of the Manly Fast Ferry, the sun warming our bodies. He reclined in his seat, stretching his legs out. Today he wore his jeans and a t-shirt with a leather jacket. He really didn’t need anything else to look good.
‘I don’t think they plan anything. We get a new Prime Minister as often as the weather changes.’
‘A lot?’ he asked, with a nod to the brilliant blue sky.
The ferry was brimming with tourists, making the most of the sunshine. And then there was me, who could catch the ferry anytime, instead trying to make the most of the last of my time with Alex.
We didn’t wake up until after lunch. But it felt so good to be wrapped up in each other it didn’t matter. Like an omen, it was the first sunny day in weeks. We went out and had a very late breakfast.
‘What do you want to do today?’ I asked over breakfast. ‘Something fun before you go home?’
‘Do you want to go on that ferry?’ Alex asked.
‘Which ferry?’ I said.
‘The one you told me about,’
Thinking back, he was right. I had told him that first night I met him to catch the ferry to Manly.
‘You have a good memory,’ I said.
So there we were, with all the other tourists on the way to Manly Beach.
‘So, do you catch ferries instead of buses in Australia?’ Alex asked.
‘Oh, no. Well, sometimes. We have buses and trains though same as anywhere else.’
‘So you have a car?’
‘Nope, not anymore.’
‘You used to?’
‘Yeah, but I totalled my car a few years back,’ I said.
‘Totalled?’
‘Um, crashed it beyond repair.’
‘Were you hurt?’ he asked.
‘No…’ I paused. ‘I guess I was shaken up for a while after.’
‘Sorry.’
‘I never got another car. I haven’t driven since.
’Really? Because you crashed your car?’
‘No. I don’t know. I had dreams about it.’
It was true. I’d struggled to get back in the car after the accident. It was easy for me to get around without a car. But sometimes if you avoid something the fear gets worse. And now there was no way I’d get back behind the wheel.
‘I live close to everything anyway.’
‘Well, I’ve never even learned how to drive,’ he said, sensing my discomfort.
The ferry pulled up to the dock and the passengers started unloading. The sun was still shining. The harbour was still, the water gently washing up on the rocks. Manly was a popular spot not far from the city centre and ideal for tourists. Beyond the dock there was a strip of shops that you had to walk across to get to the beach where you could swim.
‘It’s just the dock on this side, we have to walk across to the beach,’ I explained. Alex nodded.
We started walking to the other side of Manly. It wasn’t far, and it was a nice day for a walk. We passed through the wide boulevard of shops. He took my hand.
‘My ex, she would want to stop in every single shop,’ said Alex, nodding to the row of women’s clothing shops.
‘Yeah?’ I wasn’t sure what to say. It was the first time he had mentioned her.
‘You don’t like to shop?’ he asked.
‘I did when I was younger. Then I guess once I met Brett we were focused on other things. We wanted to buy a house, so we would be saving money.’
‘How long were you together?’
‘Five years,’ I said.
‘Hmm,’ he shook his head with disapproval.
I wasn’t sure if his reaction was directed towards the shopping or the relationship.
‘What does that mean?’ I asked.
‘Bad boyfriend. He should of looked after you better.’
‘Because he wouldn’t buy me clothes? You know I have a job and can buy stuff for myself anytime I want?’
‘Yes, but you shouldn’t have to. A man should look after a woman.’
We walked on in silence for a few minutes.
‘You don’t agree with me?’ asked Alex, ‘You don’t think men should look after women?’
‘Two people in a relationship should both look after each other,’ I said.
‘That isn’t the same thing,’ he said.
I shrugged. I didn’t want to have an argument. But I would never be the woman who expected a man to pay the bills for her.
From the corner of my eye, one of the shops caught my attention. A two dollar shop, the kind full of discount items that no one wanted or needed. I had an idea.
‘Hey, we need to go in here,’ I said. I stopped at the front door.
‘Really?’ said Alex, looking perplexed.
‘Come on,’ I said, going inside.
The shop was crammed full; plastic toys, photo frames and an entire wall of gift boxes. In a back corner, I found what I was looking for. A string of wooden beads meant for a child’s costume. A packet of feathers and pom-poms meant for craft. Not ideal, but close enough.
‘I just need some tape,’ I said.
‘Tape?’ said Alejandro, who followed me around the shop like a shadow. ‘What are you planning?’
‘It’s for your hand,’ I said. ‘It’s rehab.’
Sensory rehab didn’t require a whole heap of expensive equipment. And once I went through a program once with Alex, he would be able to do it on his own without any problems.
‘Oh, no. You don’t have to be doing this.’
‘Seriously, I can show you today, you can do it for yourself when you’re on the road. I’ve got some ideas.’
I paid and we left and continued walking towards the beach.
‘So, basically, you splint your right hand up most of the time,’ I said. ‘You could even bind up while you play.’
‘Okay,’ Already there was hesitation in his voice.
‘That’s the first part. The next are the exercises, you already have some. The third is a guessing game.’
‘A guessing game?’
‘I work with kids a lot. That’s how I break it down.’
‘Sure,’ he shrugged.
‘We get three similar objects. Three beads, or feathers. Whatever. You pick it up without looking, you have to guess what it is. Using the the third and fourth fingers.’
‘Sounds kinky,’ he said with a smirk.
‘It’s really not. I think it’s a good shot. Anything else I can think of risks your ability to play. What do you think?’
We reached the end of the path. Ahead of us was Manly beach. A row of tall pines formed a border along the long sandy strip. Manly Beach was shaped like a crescent moon. It was sheltered enough for swimming and close enough to the city to almost always be busy.
We stopped walking.
‘I think you are a good therapist. I trust you. I’ll do what you say,’ he said.
‘Good. You want to swim?’
I motioned to the few brave souls splashing about.
‘No way. Let’s sit.’
We found a place in the sand and sat side by side.
‘You know at the bottom of the ocean it’s so dark that there are creatures that make their own light?’ he asked.
‘I did know that. But you make it sound like an allegory,’ I said.
‘Nope. I saw it in a documentary.’
‘I saw it on Octonauts.’
‘What’s Octonauts?’
‘A kid’s show. I have nieces and nephews.’
‘Oh. Me too. How many?’
‘Three for now,’ I said, ‘I have four older brothers, so maybe more.’
‘I have three nieces. And three sisters.’
‘Wow, all girls.’
‘Yes.’
He reached across and took my hand. Low waves tumbled into the sand just metres away from us. I could feel the temperature drop. Night would fall soon.
‘You are very good to me,’ said Alejandro.
‘What do you mean?’ I asked.
‘I’m saying thank you,’ he said.
I shrugged. ‘It’s nothing.’
‘You know, I was thinking…’ he started.
‘What?’
‘You want to travel?’
‘I do,’ I replied.
‘So, I was thinking-’
‘You said that bit already,’ I interrupted. He smiled.
‘I was thinking I travel a lot already. What if you came with me?’
‘Really?’ I turned to face him, surprised by the suggestion.
I wasn’t sure what to say. It was a nice offer. In principle. But I had a feeling that the terms were not going to be my own.
‘Of course. The rest of the tour is booked. You would only need a plane ticket. I can buy that for you tonight.’
‘You want me to come on the tour with you?’
‘Yes,’ he smiled ‘You could be my travelling therapist. Plus, I’m not going to remember how to do all those exercises alone.’
I hesitated, trying to decide how to respond. Yes, I wanted to travel. But the reason I wanted to travel was because I wanted to start living on my own terms. If I was following Alex around on tour it didn’t seem like I would be doing that.
‘Then after you could come to Chile? It’s an amazing country. I could teach you Spanish.’
I did want to go with him, but I already knew that I wouldn’t.
‘It’s a good offer, Alex. It’s better than good. But I can’t.’
He turned his gaze to the ocean. The sun was starting to set.
‘I’m sorry,’ I said, reaching an arm around his shoulder.
‘Sorry implies regret,’ he said.
‘What?’
‘You can’t be sorry. Because sorry implies regret. And you don’t have regret. You’re consciously making this choice right now, so how can you regret it?’
I sighed, ‘I don’t know.’ I didn’t like him angry.
‘Neither do I.’
I stood up, ‘We should get back.’
Silence sat like a heavy barrier between us the whole way home. Pink and purple bruised the sky as the ferry took us over the harbour. I tried to think of something to say that could bring us back together again, but I couldn’t. I was better with facts than words. I watched the water, still calm. I watched the sky change colour.
‘What time is your flight?’ I asked as the ferry docked.
‘Tomorrow morning. Eight o’clock.’
So this was it. By this time tomorrow, he’d be gone. He’d be back in London, or more likely up in the air somewhere.
‘I’d better grab my stuff from your room,’ I said.
He nodded.
Still silent, we walked the few minutes to his hotel.
Once in his room, I threw my things into my bag. Alex walked to the other side of the room and flung open the door to the mini bar fridge. I went to the bathroom to check I hadn’t left anything. I heard the slam of a glass on the wooden desk.
Walking back into the bedroom, I slung my bag over my shoulder. I didn’t know what to say. Alex was turned away, his back to me. I stopped in the doorway.
‘Okay, goodbye,’ I said. ‘Have a safe flight.’
‘No,’ he murmured, still turned away from me.
‘What?’
‘No, I don’t accept that,’ he turned around to look at me.
‘We’re both just going to get upset if I stay. You’re leaving in less than twelve hours. Get some rest.’
‘No,’ he said again.
’Don’t make this any harder than it has to be,’ I said, turning to leave.
‘Emily, stop,’ he said.
I reached for the handle for the door, at the same time he rushed across the room. He grabbed my wrist and pulled my hand away from the door.
‘No,’ he said. He pulled me towards him and wrapped his arms around me, crushing my body into his. ‘I’m not letting you go.’
‘I can’t go with you,’ I said.
Still holding me tightly, he kissed the top of my head. He didn’t show any sign of letting go. I didn’t think he would hurt me, but at the same time, I couldn’t get free of him.
‘Let me go,’ I said.
He loosened his grip. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said.
‘It’s not like we’re never going to see each other again.’ I said, putting my hand on his shoulder in an attempt to reassure him.
‘I don’t know, maybe we won’t. There have been things before that I thought would be… fixed. You think they will be fixed because there is no other way you can imagine them. So, they must be going to come back together. But they don’t.’
‘It’s going to be fine,’ I said. ‘I’ll be in London soon and so will you.’
‘Maybe we will. But maybe you won’t like me by then.’
‘Alex, you’re acting crazy,’ I said.
He stepped forward and wrapped his arms around me again.
‘I want you to be mine. Like I told you,’ he said.
‘You leave in a few hours, before the sun even comes up,’ I said gently.
‘Be mine just for one night then. Just tonight?’
He dropped both hands to his sides, letting go of me completely.
It was still so strong the feeling that was inside me. Whenever he was close I wanted him closer, and when he let go it left me cold. It occurred to me I wanted it just as much as he did, I just had the better self-control. Or maybe, I was the one more likely to give up easily, to throw my hands in the air and say it was too hard. Maybe I was better at protecting myself.
‘Okay,’ I said. ‘Tonight.’
‘Will you say it?’ He looked me in the eyes.
‘I’m yours. All yours. For tonight.’
He wrapped his arms back around me while we stood in the doorway of his hotel room.
‘It’ll be okay. Tomorrow is not until tomorrow,’ he said. I wasn’t sure who he was trying to convince.
I reached my hands to his cheeks, holding his face in my hands while I kissed him.
‘You’re going to have to get on the bed,’ he whispered in my ear.
‘Okay,’ I replied.
He picked me up and carried me back over to the bed.
I thought it would have been fast, that he was going to pin me down and fuck me like he did the first time in the same room. I thought I would feel the anger and the grief that had filled up the room only minutes ago.
He kissed me, slowly. My lips, then my eyelids then my cheeks. Sitting up together, we took each other’s clothes off, stopping to kiss and touch. There was no rush. Maybe because we didn’t want it to end.
‘Say it again,’ he said.
‘I’m yours,’
‘Good.’
Before long the world started to break into pieces like it always did.