Can I do it? Hmm. I wonder if Jeremiah will go for it. I mean, he twerks like a freak, so surely this wouldn’t scare him off.
I lounge under the covers of our king-size bed, contemplating suggesting some new sex positions.
It’s been a few days since we attempted sex because “Vomit Gate” had hit our household. Four days. Five kids. Lots of projectile vomit. Such is the life of a household our size. When one child gets a twenty-four-hour stomach bug, they all get it. And of course, they won’t all get it at one time. They’ll get it one at a time… dragging it out for as looooooong as possible.
I love my children. I really do. But they are truly dirty, disgusting little creatures.
The one benefit of being holed up in the house for a few days is all the thinking time I got. Time to get creative. Time to plan. Time to debate new sex positions. And there is one thing I am dying to try.
“Hey, babe,” Jeremiah yells through the bathroom door. “Are you up for a little hanky panky tonight? Or are you too tired after cleaning up puke for so many days?”
Rolling my eyes, I can’t help but remind myself that this is why I’m putting so much planning into our sex life. It’s just not sexy anymore. It’s complacent. It’s passive. It’s scheduled. It’s boring. I don’t want boring sex for the rest of my life! I’m in my prime, for goodness’ sake!
In my prime with saggy, well-nursed boobs and a pooch that will probably never go away. But still! I am raising five well-adjusted, albeit slightly less smart than the average Joe, children! I deserve to get my sex on!
“Sure,” I reply. “But there’s something I want to try, so be ready.”
He comes to the doorway with his toothbrush hanging out of his mouth. “Really? It wouldn’t involve high heels and a stripper pole, would it?”
I laugh. “Uh, no, big boy. I’m gonna let you stick to the art of strip tease since you’re so good at it.”
He raises an eyebrow and starts swiveling his hips. “You know you liked what you saw.”
I roll my eyes with a smirk. “Get back in there and finish getting ready for bed. Save the hip action for just a little longer.”
He winks and heads back into the bathroom to finish up. And I start biting my nails. I’m sure he’s game to try anything, but what if it’s not as easy as it looks? What if I throw us off balance? What if…
The bed bounces me out of my thoughts when Jeremiah literally jumps onto the bed, landing on his side and facing me. “So, you were saying you had plans?” He looks way too into this, which of course has me reconsidering.
“Um… I’m not sure it’s actually gonna work,” I finally admit sheepishly. It’s a fantasy of mine, but so is skydiving. That doesn’t mean I’ll actually do it.
“Oooh. That sounds sexy,” Jeremiah continues. “Is it some weird Kamasutra shit? There are some crazy poses in that book that look pretty fun.”
I snort. “Well, yeah… you wouldn’t be the one trying to hold the shape of a pretzel while getting banged from all angles.”
He chuckles and leans over to kiss me sweetly. He lingers a little more than normal, letting me know he’s ready for the action to start. Pulling away, he says, “Okay, Becks. Level with me. What do you want to try?”
I crinkle my nose in embarrassment. “I’m kind of nervous to say.”
“Why? It’s just me,” he says reassuringly. “If it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work. But if it does, I’m sure I will blow your mind.”
I smile. “You sure are confident in your skills.”
“Hey… I just got my groove back. I can go at it six times a day with you until I perfect whatever it is you want. So what do you want?”
I take a deep breath in and let it back out. “Wall sex,” I say, closing my eyes so I don’t have to look at him. When I finally build up the courage to peek at him, the look on his face surprises me.
“Oh. Hell. Yes,” he says, jumping up from the bed and dragging the blankets off of me. “Get up. We have a wall to christen.”
It takes me a second to catch up to his frantic pace, but when I do, I pop up out of bed and race over to where he’s standing, waiting for me. He grabs me and pulls me to him, kissing me hard and with lots of passion. Damn, he hasn’t kissed me like this in a long time. Before I know it, he has swiveled us so my back is against the wall and his hands are grazing down my back. Instinctively, my arms go up around his neck, pulling him closer and deepening our kiss.
As we enjoy the kiss, I feel his arms glide up my sides, taking my nightshirt with them. As my arms go up, my shirt comes off. He pins my arms on the wall above my head with one hand as he gazes at my naked breasts.
“God, I love these,” he murmurs and bends down to grab one of my nipples in his mouth. My arms are still pinned above my head, which is something he has never done before. It feels different. Exciting. Not boring. I love it.
As he continues to nibble and kiss me, moving back and forth between each breast, the hand not holding mine slides into my panties and pushes them down to the floor.
Ohmygod, we’re doing it 50 Shades style!
It’s exhilarating and I’m so turned on. This is what I’ve been waiting for. It’s what I’ve been wanting. And my husband is giving it to me!
Before I know it, his boxers are off and my arms are free as he gently lifts one of my legs around his hip.
“Are you sure you can hold me?” I ask quietly. I want this so bad, but let’s face it. Neither of us is in the shape we used to be in. I’m heavier and he’s, well, I don’t know if he’s still as strong.
He smirks. “Babe, you are not nearly as big as you think you are. To me, you are light as a feather.”
I smirk at him, thankful for the exaggeration but knowing full well he’s full of shit.
“We’re gonna have to take this slow to make sure we have the right leverage,” he says. “It’s all a matter of physics to get this right. Are you ready?”
I nod.
“Okay, on the count of three, just hop your other leg around my waist.”
I nod again.
“One… two… three…”
I hop and feel us wobble for a second, and then…
“We did it!” I say with excitement. “I thought for sure we were gonna fall over!”
“Like I said, Becks, it’s just a matter of physics.”
I grab the hair at the nape of his neck and kiss him again. I can barely pull myself away from him when he balances me on his thighs to line himself up with me. But then he pushes inside me and… holy… wow.
I have thought about this. I have fantasized about this. But wall sex, wow. I feel so… feminine and petite and primal. Here is my man taking me against a wall because he can hardly stand to wait until we get to the bed.
Okay, that’s not exactly how it’s happening, but my mind doesn’t care. In this moment, my every fantasy is coming true.
I lean my head back and my mouth falls open as I groan in pleasure. I’m digging my nails into his shoulders, trying my hardest to keep from throwing us off balance. My hips start to move with his as he thrusts in and out of me.
It feels so good.
“Babe,” he says, but I can barely comprehend what he’s saying, I’m so deep into enjoying this moment.
“Babe,” he says again as he thrusts. I finally look up and in his eyes, shifting slightly to get a better angle when…
“You fell on top of him?” Janine shrieks at me, laughing so hard she almost falls off the damn treadmill again. “How did you go from hot wall sex to falling in a heap on the floor?”
I sigh and increase my speed, hoping to work off some of the frustration.
“Apparently he was getting a leg cramp. But he said it was feeling so good he didn’t want to stop either.”
She presses the emergency stop button on the machine as she tries to gather herself together. “Okay, okay, okay,” she finally says, still brushing tears of laughter from her eyes. “But he didn’t get hurt, did he?”
I crinkle my nose, not quite sure how to answer that question. “Well…”
“Well what?”
“I may have bruised his penis just a bit.”
This time, Janine actually does fall off the treadmill laughing. She lands on the floor behind it, clearly not injured as she holds her stomach, laughing hysterically. “You bruised… you…” she can’t even finish the sentence due to her lack of breath.
“Yes, you heard me,” I hissed. “Do not say it out loud in front of all these people!”
She takes several minutes to pull herself together. I ignore her and increase my speed again, trying hard to work off some of my humiliation. Janine finally collects herself but gives up on the treadmill. “Okay, first things first. Is he okay?”
“Yes,” I say quietly. “It took a bag of frozen peas and about thirty minutes of lying down, but nothing is broken. Just a little sore.”
“Okay,” she says, trying not to dissolve into a fit of giggles again. “Remind me to never eat vegetables at your house. But seriously, that is the funniest story I’ve heard in a very long time,” she starts, making me roll my eyes. “But it wasn’t your fault. And it sounds like it was really hot. Until the end, of course. And you’re on the right track.”
“What do you mean?” I ask, because I’m honestly not following.
“Think about it. A few weeks ago, you wouldn’t have even told him you had a fantasy about wall sex. Now you’ve actually tried it. No, it didn’t work out. But you guys are stepping out of your comfort zone,” she says encouragingly. “You’re trying new things. And he’s game for them. You guys are a team in this!”
I look at her with an eyebrow raised. “I’m sorry. Are you trying to get a job as a trainer here? You’re giving me a pep talk about my sex life.”
She rolls her eyes at me. “I just mean you should just keep trying new things. Practice makes perfect and you’ll get there.”
“Again with the weird pep talk. Thanks, Coach,” I say sarcastically. She ignores me.
“I have an idea.” My ears perk up. Her ideas always get me into trouble. “I think you need a few days away.”
I scoff. “Right. Because I can just pick up and leave five kids behind.”
“Oh, come on. You know your mom and mother-in-law could probably switch off watching the kids while Jeremiah is at work. It’s just three or four days to regroup after Vomitpalooza. Once you are rested and rejuvenated, you may feel like trying something new again.”
She actually has an interesting idea. It has been several years since I’ve gone on a long weekend with Janine. “Where would we go?”
She smiles a wicked grin, knowing she has me hooked. “We could go to Vegas. The flights are cheap. We can hang out by the pool, catch a couple shows. It’ll be fun.”
My eyebrows shoot up as I start thinking through the logistics. It would be nice to get away.
Looks like we’re heading to Vegas.