Chapter Thirty
Jarrett
Has she lost her fucking mind?
It takes a while before my brain processes the sheer fuckery of what she just said. But I’m not walking away from her.
My knuckles pop as I clench tight to the pommel of my gun. Then I look down at it, almost surprised. I don’t remember pulling it.
I put it away.
“What do you mean? Don’t you fucking want my help?”
She crosses her arms. “I do. But I am not going to lie to you anymore. You want the truth, so here it is: this side of you scares the shit out of me. I love you — I wasn’t lying about that either — but I’m not going to have my kid around you if I’m going to have to worry about you losing your mind.”
“What do you want, then?” I say. “Because I want you two in my life and I’ll do whatever the hell I have to do to make it happen.”
I make every effort to sound calm. And it isn’t hard — her voice is only filled with concern.
“Jarrett, I know you went through things that I can’t even imagine. I understand that. But if we’re going to get serious after this, and if you’re serious about being a part of mine and my son’s lives, I want you to get help.”
“Help?”
“Counseling. Therapy. Whatever you call it.”
“A shrink?”
“If you want to be around me and my son, yeah.”
I grit my teeth. At first. But looking in her eyes, I don’t see any judgment. I never do with her. She’s always understood. She knows how hard this can be. It makes admitting it easier. She makes admitting it easier. It doesn’t feel like I’m weak. It doesn’t feel like I should be ashamed. With her, it just feels like admitting I have a problem and acknowledging that I want to get better.
“I love you, Selena. And your son, too. If that’s what it takes, I’ll get help.”
The second I say those words, I feel something un-knot in my shoulders and a weight lifts from me. I feel like I’ve taken a step — just a small step — in a very long journey.
But it feels good.
“There’s something else you need to know,” she says.
“Yeah?” I pull out a cigarette, light it, and take a calming drag. “What’s that?”
She cocks her head to the side and unfolds her arms. “I’m not saying this only because I’m worried about my son. I’m saying it because I care about you. When I see the side of you that comes out when you’ve pushed your demons into the background, it makes me realize exactly how good of a man you can be. The man that comes out is a man that I love in a way that scares me with how intense and raw it is. You light me up. You make me want to lean into every kiss. I want to build a life with you, Jarrett.”
Fuck me, am I blushing?
Maybe I am. But I do know that my back’s straighter than it was even in boot camp. And Selena’s smile is brighter than I’ve ever seen it. Even here, now, facing the fatalistic reality ahead of us, the beauty of this honest moment with her isn’t lost on me.
This is the first time in our relationship — in the years of pain, of blood, of fucking, of drinking, of suffering — that we’ve told each other the truth.
No games. No lies. No ulterior motives.
“There’s no one else who makes me feel like I can do this, Selena. If it weren’t for you, I’d be going into this fucking mess ahead looking to die,” I say. “You make me want to live.”
She loves me. Part of me. And her love — and everything that comes with it — makes me want to be a better man. With her by my side, I know I can do it. I have something to fight for.
“There’s no time like imminent death for brutal honesty, right?” she says. Then, she winks at me.
“Yeah, I’ve done the ‘I think we’re going to die, oh, and by the way, I love you’ routine more times than I can count.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Didn’t always work out so well back in the Army. Sometimes they lived, and then you got to fulfill those promises. I broke a lot of hearts back in the Rangers.”
“Then let’s try and live through this one, ok?”
I pat the seat behind me.
“We’ll live. And Jake, too. But the Jackals and the Devil’s Riders? Not a chance in hell.”