Kimber

What is wrong with me? Why did I ruin a perfect beautiful moment with the man I love by asking about my ex’s relationship with his girlfriend, or ex-girlfriend, I should say.

It was like my old self, the one that used to love Caleb, took over and made me sabotage myself. I don’t give a shit about his whore ex-girlfriend Crystal or his fancy house that he can’t afford but something was bothering my Julián and I pushed until he told me.

But he didn’t really tell me, that bit about Caleb wasn’t what’s eating him. I’ve noticed something was off since we moved to North Carolina. It went to the wayside when Grayson was born but it’s back, I can see it in his eyes.

I asked for it, if I hadn’t I wouldn’t be sitting her worrying about my dumbass reaction. We need to sit down and have a heart-to-heart. I need to tell him about today with Caleb and that I have absolutely no feelings left for him and he needs to tell me what’s bugging him.

I finish nursing Grayson, change his diaper, and make my way downstairs quietly. He’s cooking outside. I’ve been listening to him go in and out the patio door. I stand at the bottom of the stairs swaying back and forth while I pat Grayson on his back hoping for a burp.

He’s outside, the grill is heating up and the meat is in a covered dish on the patio table. He’s got a Corona in one hand and the other on the edge of the deck. He’s staring out into the line of woods that runs along the far edge of our yard. The sun is setting and the sky is streaked with brilliant pink and yellow clouds. The door is open but the screen is closed so he can’t see me.

I wanted to watch him, get a feel of his mood, and analyze what’s going on in his troubled mind. There’s something going on alright, he’s never this quiet or still. Julián is a happy lighthearted man who wants everyone around him to feel the same way. That’s what attracted me to him in the first place.

Caleb was fun and social and everyone loved him, the him they knew, the him he let them see. He was Mr. Party all the time, Mr. Gambler, and in the end Mr. Asshole, as far as I was concerned.

Julián is fun and outgoing too but in a genuine way. He also knows how to rein it in and be responsible and caring and loving. Caleb didn’t.

What am I doing? Why did I agree to meeting up with Caleb tomorrow without Julián? Does he still have some sort of hold on me? Maybe we didn’t have closure? Everybody’s always talking about closure and how therapeutic it is.

When Caleb said he didn’t want our baby or our marriage anymore he moved out and that was it, our marriage was over just because he said so. I guess that’s not very good closure.

His abandonment carved a wound deeper and wider than the Grand Canyon but he waltzed into that grocery store today and manipulated me like putty in his hands. The worst part is I allowed it. No more.

I take out my phone from the back pocket of my jeans and text Caleb that tomorrow’s off. I tell him if he wants to see Grayson he needs to schedule a visit at our house on our time when Julián and I are both home.

It doesn’t take two seconds for him to respond.

5:50 p.m. Caleb -- What happened? I was really looking forward to spending some time with Grayson. Have Garcia come along, I don’t mind, whatever it takes. I need to see my son.

5:51 p.m. Me – He has to work, and now that I think about it, you do too, don’t you?

5:52 p.m. Caleb – I will make time.

He is being so flexible it makes me feel a little guilty for telling him no. Is that what he wants? Probably.

5:55 p.m. Me – Julian used all of his vacation time when I delivered, if he can’t be there I’m not comfortable meeting. Have your lawyer contact ours and we can set up a time when we are all available.

This time it takes him longer to reply, like he’s planning his next course of action.

6:20 p.m. Caleb – Alright, if that’s how you want it. I’m willing to jump through hoops. I just need to see my son. I fell in love with him today and now I can’t stop thinking about him.

I squint when I re-read his text. Did he really just say that? He wouldn’t have to jump through any hoops if he had stayed and been a father and a husband to me. I roll my eyes and shoot him one last message before I push the power button and turn my phone off.

Me – I’ll wait for the call from our lawyer.

I walk through the kitchen and out onto the deck to join Julián. He turns and flashes me his familiar smile like nothing is wrong.

“Hey.” He reaches for me and I go to him. He pulls me into his side and kisses my temple. “I missed you two. I’m about to put the meat on and the salad is ready, I put it in the fridge.”

“Oh, okay, thank you for cooking.”

“No problem. Did you get some work done?”

“Yeah, I did, thanks.” I was ready to come out her and hash this all out but he’s acting like nothing happened. Should I bring it up and risk an argument or take the easy route and go with the flow? Going with the flow guarantees a nice quiet dinner with my husband-to-be.

Hounding him about what’s bothering him is sure to ruin our evening. Do I want instant gratification or answers?

Instant gratification.

“I’ll go get the stroller and we can take a walk after we eat.”

“That sounds nice.” I stand on my tiptoes and kiss him on the cheek. We go about our nice suburban family evening without a word about Caleb or whatever is bothering Julián and it is instantly gratifying just like I wanted.

Our problems will have to be addressed eventually, just not today.