Twenty

Lilith, Penelope, and Beatrice, all a little tipsy on red wine, sauntered back to Tyburn an hour or so later. They were giggling like schoolgirls when the long window by George’s study opened and he peered out. Lilith’s heart quickened at the sight of him. She was no better than a spoony lovesick thirteen-year-old.

“I feel there is mischief in the air,” he said. “Is that an empty bottle of wine?” He shook his head in mock disapproval. “Naughty ladies. Miss Dahlgren, may I speak with you for a moment on a serious matter? Ladies, can you pardon us?”

Lilith’s smile faded. Was he teasing? She couldn’t tell anymore. Or she was so terrified that everything would fall apart that she searched for a sign of doom in every little word.

“Of course,” she stammered.

“One moment, please.” He disappeared into the chamber.

Penelope kissed Lilith’s cheek and then she and Beatrice continued around the wing. Lilith waited, her belly tight with nerves.

What if he had changed his mind? No, he wouldn’t do that. He would sooner be tied to a medieval torture rack than rescind his word. Why was she so skittish? Where was her confidence?

He stepped through the window and closed it. His features were stony. “I’m very upset with you.”

“You are?”

“Come with me, please,” he said curtly and offered his arm.

She hesitantly latched on. “I can’t stand the suspense. What have I done to upset you? Tell me now.”

“You will see soon enough.”

Surely he was jesting. But what if he wasn’t? Her vivid imagination lit up with every possible horrible scenario.

He led her through the garden. Finches flitted about the boxwood labyrinth and the sun sparkled on the water flowing from the center fountain. He stopped by a stone bench against the back brick wall that was shaded by a conifer tree.

“Tell me,” she whispered, ready to respond to the three dozen or so disasters she had already envisioned.

“I’ve had numerous directives handed to me by the prime minister that I need to attend to. The very financing of the British Empire and her interests hinges on this party. I should be very busy, but instead I spent the morning doing this.” He fished out a sheet of paper from his coat and handed it to her: a sketch of a curious wren, its head cocked and tiny feet clinging to a branch. “This little fellow visited the tree by the study window.”

A smile blossomed on her lips as relief washed over her. “It’s lovely. May I keep it? I’ll treasure it.”

“Then perhaps you will be delighted by this dull decanter? I sketched it instead of seeing to my tenants’ welfare.”

“You’ve been seeing to your tenants’ welfare for years. They won’t miss a few minutes of capturing the beautiful light on the glass. The composition is perfect in its simplicity. How dare you call it dull?”

“Aye, but this one I can’t explain. My fingers just itched. I had to draw. I call this The Common Inkwell.”

“You are a master.” She laughed. “Amazing detail in the ordinary. I shall cherish it as I do you in all your amazing detail.” She didn’t know if it was a trick of the sunlight or the unguarded smile on his face and in his eyes that made him appear years younger.

“When Disraeli asks, I’m going to blame the entire debacle on you,” he said.

“Whatever can I do to make up for it?” She feigned horror. “Please don’t get me in trouble with the prime minister.” She rose to her tiptoes and brushed his lips with hers. “Will that make it better?”

“Hardly.” In a quick motion, he pulled the drawings from her hands, tossed them onto the bench.

“George, no—ah!” He lifted her from the ground and slid her on his lap as he sat.

“People could see!” she cried, but didn’t stop him when he raised her skirts to anchor her thighs around him. Her crinoline formed a ridiculous humplike circle behind her.

“I expect a little more spirit from the daring Lilith Dahlgren, especially when we are alone.” He kissed the fabric covering her nipple. Damn the gown and corset. She could barely feel him. He couldn’t tease and lap as she loved.

“Who is this George?” She tried to pull her skirts over her folded crinoline. “What have I created?”

“Do you really want to know?” He drew her closer still until her sex, exposed through the slit in her pantalets, met his erection straining against his trousers.

“Hmm, what shall I do?” she teased.

“I think you know.”

Their hands met as they undid his trouser buttons. He kissed her chin and neck. She giggled, rose up, and then sank onto him. How dangerous and reckless, yet how perfect and natural she felt in union with him in a garden. He and she were no better than the birds and rabbits making uninhibited, unabashed love. She held his face between her hands and kissed his lips as she rocked against him.

She wished she could stop time from moving forward. No chapters to be written, no past to haunt, or fear to fester in her heart. Only this moment lasting forever.

“Lilith,” he murmured and released into her. She continued to hold him, feeling his heart beat against her breast. Yet she still couldn’t brush away the scary thoughts. Your life can’t be this wonderful. Something terrible has to happen and take it all away again.

“Should we make an announcement tonight?” He kissed her earlobe.

Instinctively she cried, “No.” She could feel his muscles relax and knew she had given the right answer.

“I think it would be too much for your mother,” she explained. “We must break the news to her slowly, giving her room to scream and not be heard. And let us resolve the Stamp Duty Extension Bill issue.”

“We mustn’t wait too long, because I won’t keep away from you. And I don’t want you to give birth to one of those shockingly premature babies which comes out of its mama’s womb all chubby and bouncing.”

The idea of having his children, all lovely artists like their papa, moistened her eyes. She wiped the tears away before they could fall.

“What’s wrong?” he asked gently.

“I’m so happy. And that scares me.”

“Hush, now.” He started to kiss her just as they heard voices coming from the other side of the wall. They sprang apart and quickly smoothed each other’s clothes.

Lilith had to hurry into the house through the servants’ entrance. Despite her and George’s efforts, her poor skirt was wrinkled in the most damning fashion that shouted I’ve been tupping in the garden!

In her chamber, the muse graced Lilith with lovely, flowing words. Poetry in prose. Her pen flew across the lines of The Redemption of the Sultan.

“Muse, I should make love in the garden more often,” she concluded.

* * *

George took the grand stairs to the ballroom. Not twenty-four hours ago, he would have been filled with that same old weary dread. He hadn’t realized how alive yet dead he had been until Lilith awoke him. At the end of this night, she would fold him into her arms again and whisper that she loved him and how wonderful he was.

He only had to draw for her.

He merely had to be himself.

Yet “himself” felt like a whole new man whom he hardly knew. Now everything was brilliant colors. The vibrancy of the dust sparkling in the light streaming from the window, the loneliness of the cup against the saucer, the optimism of the pink-budded rosebush. It was all silly and the old George would have dismissed it, but this kind of foolishness made Lilith smile that tender smile which bathed him like clean rain.

He marveled that although he had made love to her all through the night and again not a few hours ago in the garden, he hungered afresh for her. The more he loved her, the more he desired her. He would unravel one mystery of her, only to find another waiting inside. He had never been so profoundly enthralled by a woman.

He was relieved that she didn’t want to announce their engagement tonight. He didn’t want his newfound joy tarnished by exposure. He wanted to keep it a beautiful secret for as long as he could.

He stepped into the grand hall where the servants were busy shifting about large flower arrangements and the orchestra tuned their instruments. Lord Charles leaned against the wall, smoking and watching the activity without any emotion. George refrained from saying that he didn’t appreciate smoking outside of the smoking parlor.

“The extension of the stamp duty.” Charles gazed at George through a swirl of smoke. “I’m going to frame the discussion to the House of Commons leaders as thus: We are seeking this extension to relieve the income tax of those who shoulder the greatest burden of financing this country. The great peers and businessmen, to whom we owe the prosperity of this great nation, deserve a reprieve for their sacrifices.”

“I believe you are making the correct decision for this country and her—”

“Yes, yes.” Charles made a shooing gesture. “I have given you what you wanted and now you must give me what I want in return.”

George’s belly tightened. He knew what Charles desired. This wasn’t the conversation he wanted to have at this delicate juncture.

Charles turned and strolled into the parlor opposite the ballroom, letting George follow.

Charles picked up a decanter from the side table. He poured two glasses and handed George one. Then he crossed to the sofa, sat, and stretched one arm along the back. “I want her,” he said. “To honor and cherish till death do us part. And don’t bother me with such trivial things as a dowry.”

“Are you speaking of Miss Dahlgren?”

Charles didn’t answer but only looked at him, head cocked, and eyes that said “don’t toy with me.”

George drank his brandy, buying himself some time to think. “I’m afraid Miss Dahlgren’s affections are elsewhere engaged,” he said after an interval.

“I don’t believe you. She has done nothing but wildly flirt with me all week.”

George stifled his smirk with another sip. The poor man was so sure of his romantic prowess that he had misinterpreted Lilith’s attempts to hold him at bay. “I’m sorry,” he said quietly.

“Let me talk to her.”

“I would not advise that.”

Charles bolted to his feet, his muscles corded with anger. “I see. You’ve always held a grudge against me for some mere boyish pranks and now I must pay.” He opened his arms and bowed. “Very well, I’m sorry for my past transgressions. I was wrong. Please forgive me. Now I’ve conceded my vote and some of my pride. Concede your ward.”

“I’m afraid you’ve misread the situation.”

“Have I? Who would provide for her better? Tell me, old chappie. Despite her dazzling charm, she has the faintest claim to your family’s great honor and name. She is, in fact, far beneath me by society’s measure.”

George crushed his molars together, feeling the primitive urge to smash Charles’s handsome face for insulting his future wife.

Charles stuck to his dangerous course. “You’re hurting Lilith by your own obstinacy and resentment.”

“I’m sorry,” George said again, this time with gritty menace.

“No, I’m sorry.” Charles tossed his cigarette into the fire. “I wanted to be honorable about this for your sake, ask your permission and what not, but Lilith will do as she desires. She answers to the true call of her heart. I know her.”

“I beg to differ. You’ve only known her a few weeks at most. Lilith is not who you think she is.”

“I have known Lilith six months at least. And I have heard about her for almost a decade now. I know her mind, her imagination, and the landscape of her heart.”

Lord Charles refused to lose gracefully. George flung up his arm. “So, you’ve carried on a clandestine relationship with her that even she doesn’t know about?”

“Your sad attempt at satire belittles you. You are not that clever. Don’t assume you know this situation.” Charles approached, putting a thumb’s length between them. “Think of it as some clan bride barter. Lilith makes the peace between us. I’m the best man for her, despite how you dislike me.”

George struggled to tamp down his rage. He flexed his fingers to keep them from curling into a fist. The political issues at stake were far bigger than two raging men. But a massive wave, rolling and foaming with years of anger, was building inside George, ready to crash.

“Give her to me,” Charles said. “Or I’ll steal her away.”

“Lilith is already engaged,” George admitted.

“To whom?” Lord Charles kept his pale eyes fixed on George’s face. “Tell me his name.”

George remained quiet.

Charles chuckled and stepped back. “You’re a terrible liar, Lord Marylewick. You always were.”

“She’s engaged to me,” George barked.

George’s anger didn’t stem Charles’s mirth. His taunting laughter only grew stronger. “You, my dear fellow, are strongly opposed to her marriage to me.” A smirk smeared his mouth. “Lilith wouldn’t possibly consider marrying you. You know nothing of her true nature. Or her secrets. You couldn’t keep her even if this ‘engagement’ you invented were true.”

“I am a marquess,” he said through his clenched jaw. “You are nothing but a younger son. You have an estate. How pleasant for you. I have several. I’ve known Lilith most of her life. I know her heart, her mind, her…” He silenced the word “body,” refusing to demean Lilith before Charles.

“If this is true, well, it’s utterly delicious.” Lord Charles finished his glass and stared at the empty bottom, shaking his head. “So, old boy, Colette is going to marry the sultan. I admit, I’m shocked you had the stomach to forgive her after how she portrayed you before everyone in England.”

“What are you talking about?”

Charles flung up his arm and shook his fist. “Good God, this is brilliant. A masterful farce. Why are we not on stage with this genius?” He sat again, casually crossing his legs and draping an arm. “I have a darling story to tell you. You will find it quite enlightening. In fact, I think you may want to reconsider your little ‘engagement.’”

George could scarcely hear the man. His words seemed to be coming from miles away. Lilith wrote Colette and the Sultan? Impossible. If it were true, she would have shouted it from the rooftops of London. Or at least admitted it as he held her, her eyes tender and earnest, incapable of such a malicious secret.

“Last summer,” Charles began his tale, “in an attempt to recover from the horrible ailment known as Parliament, I sojourned to Paris. There I came across the most interesting people, as one always does in Paris. A delightfully roguish fellow by the name of Mr. Edgar Dahlgren and his charming wife, Frances. We met in a gallery and he struck up a conversation about art. I was intrigued as ever I am when a British gent speaks of art. It’s very rare, you know. Soon the conversation moved us to a wonderfully bohemian establishment, where it was made clear to me that Mr. Dahlgren sought a patron. So desperate was the poor chap that he told me an extraordinary secret. Care to hear?”

“I have no interest.”

Nonetheless, Charles forged on. “It was about this darling lady Lilith Dahlgren and her wicked guardian Lord Marylewick. This piqued my interest, as my sister attended school with Lilith, and by Jove, I’ve certainly had the displeasure of our friendship for years. So I poured a drink—a rather pricey cognac that my new acquaintance had selected—settled snugly into my chair, and asked the man to go on.” He uncrossed his legs and leaned forward. “It seemed the poor girl had transformed you into a villainous sultan and was venting your mistreatment of her for all England to enjoy.” He paused for effect and then feigned a yawn. “Unfortunately, I was not able to help the Dahlgren cove, but I say, the story almost made up for the expensive bill they left me and my gold cigarette case they stole. But I admit, after a day or so, I lost interest in the story written by a seemingly bitter spinster, except to keep it in the back of my mind in the event that one day it might prove useful. You know, dear fellow, it’s just politics, after all. Then one dreary evening, after suffering through an equally dreary play, I picked up an issue of McAllister’s Magazine trying to escape my ennui. Oh, but Colette was glorious. I was determined to meet this Lilith Dahlgren.”

Charles rose and began pacing, his energy turning frenetic. “Unfortunately, the bill and the cigarette case incident kept me away from their gallery, but I found that Lilith Dahlgren was moving around me, that our lives were parallel. I would go to galleries to learn she was just there. Oh, the allure of knowing she was near but just out of touch. What a cruel and utterly delightful game. It wasn’t until that day when we met in the park that I assimilated the entire Lilith. She was,” he paused and gazed out the window, “far superior than I had imagined her. The most striking and charming woman I have ever met.”

Charles turned. The light glowing from the window turned his eyes a translucent blue. “You tell me I do not know Miss Dahlgren. But I beg to differ. You do not know her at all, it seems. She has been making a mockery of you this entire time. And to be honest, my man, I adore her for it.” He crossed to the decanter. “Speak to me of this engagement,” he said, pouring another drink. “I want all the details. Where is the wedding to be held? Has she picked out the bridesmaids? I wonder about her gown.”

“You are wrong in your assumptions. Lilith would never—Miss Dahlgren has more integrity than the lies of which you accuse her.”

“Go ask her. By all means, prove her innocence. I, however, never understood the allure of innocence.”

Lord Charles’s words rang in George’s ears as he strolled from the room. “I say, this has been a most enjoyable house party, Lord Marylewick. The crush of the season. To think I dreaded coming a few weeks ago.”

* * *

George’s body trembled as he navigated the corridors to Lilith’s chamber. What was he doing? Why did he have these doubts? She couldn’t have done this to him. She was many things, but not viciously cruel.

He didn’t bother to knock or request Lilith’s presence in his study, but slipped into her chamber. She wore only a white corset and petticoat. She and a maid sat atop the bed, sewing on a gown turned inside out.

The maid gasped as George entered and seized Lilith’s robe, draping it over her.

“Pardon us,” he said, more harshly than he had intended. The servant scurried out, her face crimson, eyes averted.

“George.” A tentative smile wavered on Lilith’s lips as she slipped off the bed. “Is something wrong?” Anxiety quivered in her voice. She didn’t approach him but began edging away, her hands clasped together as if she were praying.

Black heat rushed into his brain. His temples throbbed. No, she wouldn’t have done that to him. She wouldn’t have betrayed him. “Lord Charles asked for your hand.” He was barely able to manage the words.

“Your bill! Was he very angry?” She reached out to him, but didn’t touch his arm.

A rueful bark of laughter escaped his lips. “Never mind the bill. He told me an interesting story. One I’m sure can’t be true.” He paused, trying to put his words in order. He never could spin beautiful webs with words. All he had was color and emotion—the stark white of her chemise and the fear in her dark brown eyes. “It seems that in Paris last summer your cousin Edgar confided in Lord Charles a most extraordinary secret: that you penned Colette and the Sultan. Not only that, I was the model for the sultan. I was your villain.” He flicked his hand. “Naturally, I told him that he was wrong. You could never be so cruel.” He lifted a brow, waiting for her answer.

She closed her eyes, her shoulders sinking with her exhale.

Dear God! No!

“How?” he cried softly. “Why?”

She had betrayed him.

He didn’t want to acknowledge how like a hurt little boy he felt. The pain was raw and fresh, all the cynicism he had built up in this thirty-something years of living afforded no protection. His mind flooded with precious images: the beautiful light in her eyes as she held his childhood art, the ivory of her skin bared for him as he sketched her, the burnished tones of firelight in her hair as he held her and made her agree to marry him. All these colors now ran together to a muddled brownish-black.

“I’m sorry.” Lilith’s eyes shone with tears. “I didn’t know you—the real you—when I wrote those words. Forgive me. Please. I beg you.”

Now he was supposed to forgive her? Was this merely another scrape she’d landed in? Was she that oblivious to his pain? To all he had done for her? No, he was a villain. He had no forgiveness for her, only rage.

“That’s right,” he growled. “You only knew the unreal me when you lampooned me in those pages. The one who took care of you and pulled you from the suds again and again. The evil man who paid your rent and stayed with you when your cousins left you. The unreal me oversees this estate and the well-being of its tenants, attends Parliament to see to the welfare of this country, and serves as a guardian to my greater family, including your siblings whom you abandoned.”

“It’s only a story.” Her words were a choked squeak.

“Was it funny? Did you and your Dahlgren cousins, the ones that were so loyal to you, laugh behind my back the way Charles did to my face?”

Again she was quiet. She pressed her hands to her mouth.

He paced and raked his hand through his hair, unable to tamp down his fury.

“I am not a villain!” he thundered. “I have sacrificed everything. Every moment of my life is spent worried about this country, this estate, this family. I…I…” He swallowed, remembering the harsh lessons his father taught. The boyhood taunts he suffered from Lord Charles and his ilk. And now every day he had to be strong and responsible for others, when he wanted to walk away. When he only wanted to paint.

“I admit I laughed behind your back.” Tears dripped down her cheeks. “There. I wrote those stories using your name and then I would change it to the sultan before I gave it to the publisher. I didn’t know you. I didn’t know I would fall in love with you. You wanted to find me a husband. But I…I wanted to…this is hard to explain… I wanted to know something true. I wanted to love a man for his lovely spirit. And it was you. And I couldn’t see it all those years. I was ashamed. So I redeemed the sultan in the next chapter.”

“Now I need redeeming,” he quipped ruefully as she rummaged through her wardrobe. She returned to him, holding pages. There was his Colette in Lilith’s handwriting. The evidence was damning. Colette, the fictional lady who had taken him from his troubles all these months, who articulated his emotions, mocked him. He was a big, dumb joke.

“You are just brilliant,” he whispered, broken. His father would be ashamed at his weakness. “Go to Lord Charles. You belong together.” He tossed the pages on the bed.

“But we’re engaged—”

“As you aptly pointed out, the false me is responsible. The real me…” Of course he would marry her. He had given her his word and now he was trapped in this painful joke. All his life, his strivings, reduced to a silly character on a page for the amusement of others. It wasn’t the false George who turned and headed for the door.

“That’s right, leave.” Her cold tones stopped his progress. “I should’ve known better than to love you. How foolish I am. I should have thought, So he drew a few pictures as a boy? So what? He’s a Maryle. He will leave. He speaks of loyalty, yet he has none when it comes to me, a lowly, scorned Dahlgren who doesn’t merit loyalty.”

He turned, his temples throbbing. Lilith’s eyes were dark and shiny as wet obsidian.

“For every so-called scrape you pulled me from,” she spat, “for every penny of my own money that I had to beg for, I was told how irresponsible and addle-minded I was. How I burdened you. I was never good enough for you or this family. I do not say this out of feeling pity for myself. I merely can’t explain why I spent my entire young life being hidden away.”

“You misunderstand.”

“No, I do not,” she fired back. “You did not want me at this party. This annual house party. It is by the trickery of Lord Charles that I am here. Even in our betrothal…” Her voice thinned to a high, brittle pitch. “You made contingencies on our marriage that I behave, meaning if I wasn’t me.” She clutched the thin fabric over her heart. “And do you want to know the truth?”

“There’s more?”

“The truth is, you came to my parties because you had to. Because deep down, you wanted to belong to my world. I know that now. You didn’t come to scold me. You came because you needed to be there. Don’t deny it.”

How naked he felt under her penetrating gaze. “Enough of your artist mumbo jumbo! I certainly don’t need your silly artist friends and your ramshackle mode of living.”

“Just go, then! How stupid I was to think things could change. How stupid I was to give myself to you because you drew a few pictures.” She screamed the last words.

“For God’s sake.” He flung up his arms. “Of course I’m going to marry you. I have to. I gave you my word. You couldn’t honestly believe that I would leave you. ”

She laughed through her tears. “What a lovely marriage this will be. I’m another responsibility and duty. Maybe you can give me a separate house, so you won’t have to see me. I can beg for money every month during my allotted fifteen minutes. It will be the way it was before. Wasn’t that wonderful? I…I…” The mocking tone drained from her words. Her body convulsed with sobs. “I wanted a true home. Where I was wanted. I thought you would g-give—”

“Lilith.” He grabbed her gown from the bed and draped it over her shoulders. “Get dressed and come down to the ball. We will pretend that nothing happened and then we will talk. Calmly.”

He tried to cup her chin in his hand and draw her gaze to his face. But she resisted. “I’m sorry. I’m not so good at pretending.”

“Really?” He gave a snortlike chuckle. “Because you pretended for pages and pages.”

She lowered her head. Her gown fell, puddling on the floor by her feet. He felt like an arse for being cruel. There was enough pain already.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “Please come down.” He had to stop the shedding of further emotional blood. “We will find a way through.”

Tears rolled down her face, dripping off her chin. Her sadness muted his anger. He wished this moment had never happened and he had remained in ignorance. He gently brushed away a teardrop with the pad of his thumb. He said her name, savoring the rush of air over his tongue.

In a quick motion, she clasped her arms around him and pressed her cheek against his coat. He shuddered and drew her snug, trying to keep her from floating away in the fast, invisible current of their pasts that rushed through the room, toppling the present. He didn’t want to go to the damn ball, try to influence that bloody bill anymore, or dance politely with each of the ladies. He had grown so weary of his life. It streamed out before him—a sun-faded sand color, cracking from the dryness. He clutched her tighter and bitterly reflected on the cruel paradox that the woman who could cut him the deepest was the only one who could soothe away the pain. “We’ll find a way through,” he said again.

For a long minute they said nothing, but held each other. Finally, he had to pull away. He couldn’t shrink from what needed to be done.

His rational mind began clicking along. “Let me go down first. I’m not sure what Lord Charles has told everyone. I’ll try to smooth any damage before you arrive.”

She nodded and said something too quiet to be heard.

He wanted to kiss those lips again. Get lost in them. Allow their bodies to balm the hurt. Instead, he forced himself to turn and slip out of her chamber.

He cut through the traffic in the corridors to his study and paced, giving himself some time to strategize.

* * *

Lilith stared at the closed door for a long time. Her life had been beautiful for a few hours. She should have known better and not attached herself so strongly. He had once asked her if she wanted love in a marriage and she had said no. That was when she thought love, the beautiful ethereal kind of love she desired, was too much to ask for. She didn’t expect that she would ever find something so precious. But she had and it had ruined her. She could not enter into a marriage with George who did not return her love with the same fierce desire and need. Nor could she keep George from loving another with the profound depth that she loved him.

She must take to the road again. Another painful good-bye.

She gathered the pages, the lovely chapter in which she had redeemed the sultan, and stacked them on the commode. She carefully hung up her ball gown, smoothing the delicate pale gold fabric. Then she sat at the writing desk, her Keats by her arm, and penned a letter.