I can’t hear.

It’s all I notice.

All that is happening inside my ears is a faint humming, a buzzing, a high-pitched screech every now and then, but nothing else. I have opened and closed my eyes, over and over, but the nightmare won’t leave. I’m in a hospital bed, bandages around my waist, my arm in a cast, my head pounding, but none of that matters.

I can’t hear.

A hand touches mine, and I flinch, screaming out, only my voice doesn’t penetrate. I see a nurse standing next to me, looking down at me. She’s saying something. What the hell is she saying? I can hear her voice, as if it’s off in the distance, like she’s slowly fading away and calling to me as she does. I can’t make out any words. I can’t even make out the pitch. Just a hum.

Oh, God.

What is happening?

Help.

Someone help.

Her lips keep moving, and her brows knit together and concern washes over her face. She waves a hand, probably thinking I’m blind, so I raise my hand, and wave it weakly back. Then I point to my ears and shake my head. She looks puzzled and uses a little flashlight to look into them, then she steps back and holds up a finger, indicating one moment. I think that’s what she means, anyway. She leaves the room in somewhat of a hurry.

Is she coming back?

What is happening?

Where is Caiden?

Oh. God. Caiden.

Is he dead?

My throat clogs up as memories of the terrible accident fill my headspace. I start to cry and shake my head from side to side. My heart hurts. My stomach is sick. My chest is heavy. Is he dead? Did I kill him? Is he gone? Where is he? Oh God. Where is he?

The nurse comes back in with an old, friendly looking doctor who immediately comes over to me and starts speaking. I stare at him too. His pitch is a little deeper, so I know it’s a man speaking, but I still can’t make out any words. Just that awful, faint humming. I clench my eyes shut and shake my head from side to side. A tap on my shoulder a few minutes later, and I open my eyes to see him holding a notepad in front of me.

It says, “Are you having trouble hearing?”

I nod, and more tears roll down my cheeks.

He writes something else on the paper.

“Can you explain it to me?”

He hands me the notepad and I write down what is happening. The odd sounds, the buzzing, the occasional high pitch, the pain, and the way I can hear their voices, but I can’t hear their words. I hand him back the notepad and he reads it, then he turns to the nurse and orders her to do something, at least, it looks like he’s ordering her to.

I snatch the notepad back and he turns, looking at me, puzzled.

“Caiden. Is he alive. Tell me? Please.”

He reads the words, and it feels like it takes forever for him to write down whatever it is he’s about to break to me. He hands the notepad back.

“Yes, he’s alive. He suffered burns to his body, and is struggling with movement of his legs. He’s been into surgery. He’s in ICU. We will keep you updated.”

Oh, God.

No.

I start crying again, pressing my hands over my face. It’s all my fault. I should have waited until I got home to end it with him. What was I thinking trying to do it in the car ride? Of course he was going to get angry. Of course he was going to overreact. Now he’s burned? And has lost use of his legs? All because of me.

The doctor pulls my hands away, and hands me the notepad again.

“Your mother is outside, I’ll bring her in. You need someone. We’ll run some tests on your ears, find out what’s happening. The nurse will be back soon to take you to them.”

Before I can shake my head because I don’t want my mother to come in, he’s already gone and has left the room. I want to cry out, but I don’t know if my voice still works. Does it still work? It takes a few moments for my mother to come into the room, and when she does, she looks hesitant. She walks over, stopping by the bed. She glances at the notepad, and then snatches it up and writes, “Can you hear me?”

I’m fairly certain the doctor just told her I couldn’t, so it makes me frustrated and angry that she is asking such a ridiculous question when she can clearly see I’m in a terrible way. Why, for one single moment, can’t she just be a mother?

I shake my head anyway.

She takes the notepad again, writing on it. “What happened?”

She doesn’t know yet.

Nobody does.

But soon, they’ll know. They’ll know it’s my fault. They’ll know I caused the accident. And they’ll hate me for it. I can’t say I blame them. I’d hate me if I was in their shoes. Still, for a little longer, I don’t want to hear what she’ll have to say about it, so I just shrug, and I start to cry. Not on purpose, it just happens. I’m so ... broken. Scared. Alone.

“Don’t cry, everything will be fine,” she says, patting my shoulder as if I’m no more than an acquaintance.

I take the notepad and through my tears I write, “Where’s Daddy?”

She looks at it, and her face scrunches. I need someone. I need someone to put their arms around me and tell me it’s going to be okay, even if it isn’t. My dad is the only person I have that can do that for me. I need him. She exhales and takes the notepad, writing, “He’s getting coffee. He’ll be right in.”

Thank the lord. Thank the sweet lord.

I nod and lean back, closing my eyes.

I don’t hear anything else, just that humming that makes everything inside me panic. Have I lost my hearing forever? Is it forever gone? Will I never hear again? Tears run down my cheeks, and a pain unlike anything I’ve ever felt builds up in my chest, making it hard for me to breathe. I’m so afraid. So scared.

A warm, calloused hand grazes over my cheek and I open my eyes to see my father looking down at me. He smiles, and mouths really really slowly, “It’s going to be okay.”

I lose it.

Sobbing and shaking.

He gets into the bed and he pulls me into his arms. Pain shoots through my side, but I ignore it. I need this, more than anything in the world, I need to know it’s going to be okay. It has to be okay. Please, God, let it be okay.

My dad’s fingers glide through my hair, soothing me. He does this until I stop crying and start drifting off into an exhausted, painful, but mostly silent sleep.

I wished for a silent world.

Is that exactly what I got?

~*~*~*~