Shani
Thirty days had passed since West took my sister to treatment and she was finally allowed to have visitors, so he’d offered to drive me up there, since it was two hours from the city and he thought I might be too distracted to drive.
He’d been my rock over the last month. We worked side by side, often late into the night, rebuilding my business from a solid foundation on up. I finally had a plan, a vision, instead of flying by the seat of my pants. We’d even talked about expansion plans, and he’d offered to invest as my partner. I’d promised him I would think about it and I had been. I’d been imagining what it would be like to have West as my partner, in business and in life.
I hadn’t told him I loved him again since that day in my apartment, but I did, and I hoped he knew that. Having to be so close to him without being intimate had been difficult, but we seemed to have decided, without needing to voice it, that sex was off the table until we’d sorted out our feelings and decided on our future.
I still didn’t know if I was pregnant. I was late, but that was a common occurrence for me. Stress sometimes messed with my cycle. I had two tests under my bathroom sink at home, but I was afraid to take them. I wanted to be pregnant with West’s baby, but if I was, that would force us to confront the issues we’d been avoiding. Like whether we had the strength to go the distance as a couple.
“What’re you thinking?” he asked, squeezing my hand.
“Just thinking about…” I could have told him I was thinking about my sister, but I was trying hard to be honest with him, even when it was uncomfortable. “Us. Whether or not I’m pregnant and what it will mean for us if I am.”
“Do you want to be?” he asked, glancing at me. “A lot’s happened in the past month.”
“Yeah, it has.” I looked out my window. The treatment facility was in a rural area, and the landscape on either side was dotted with animals and old farm houses. It was nice, peaceful, and just what I need to calm my nerves. “Do I want to be pregnant?”
I thought about how my life would change if I was. I wanted a baby so much, but I suspected my sister would need a place to stay when she got out of rehab and I wanted to be there for her too.
“Well, do you?”
I hadn’t realized he’d been waiting for my response. I’d been so lost in my own head lately, it sometimes felt as though I was drifting in and out of consciousness. “I want to be pregnant…”
“You’re just not sure now is the right time.”
I tried to read his reaction but couldn’t. “You must think I’m crazy. I was the one who came to you asking you to help me get pregnant—”
“I don’t think you’re crazy,” he said with a sad smile. “You had no idea your sister would be going into rehab or that she’d lose her boyfriend the way she did. Besides, you’re so busy with work now.”
We had more clients than we could handle thanks to West’s marketing campaign. I’d always relied on word of mouth to get clients, but he’d convinced me I was leaving a lot of money on the table by not being more proactive. Though it was hard to admit it, I needed him. He made my business, and my life, better.
“But I will be thrilled if we made a baby,” I said, a smile teasing my lips as I imagined the possibility. “I’ll try not to be too disappointed if it doesn’t happen though. I know sometimes these things just weren’t meant to be.”
“When it does happen, whether it’s nine months from now or five years from now, I know you’re gonna be a great mom.” He curled his hand around the steering wheel. “And I hope I’m there to see it.”
“I hope you are too.” There was no one else I’d rather have by my side through the ups and downs of raising a child. West was strong and steady and reliable. Everything I needed and wanted in a partner. I tipped my head to the side, watching him drive. “I know I make it seem like I don’t need anyone, but I do. I don’t think I could have gotten through this past month without you.”
“Happy to help.”
“You somehow managed to fix everything that’s been broken in my life for so long.”
It wasn’t easy for me to open up like this, but West had earned the truth with his steadfast dedication to me and the things that mattered most to me. Not many men would put their own lives on hold to help their ex-girlfriends sort out hers.
He chuckled. “Nothing in your life was broken, babe. You were doing just fine before I came along.”
“It might seem that way,” I said, needing to make him understand, “but I was coasting. I was focusing on the parts of my business that I loved and ignoring the rest. I didn’t know how to help my sister, so I did nothing. And I was so sure I had every right to hold on to my bitterness and anger about my parents, but you helped me to see that by doing that, I was only hurting myself.”
I’d been thinking about my family a lot since West and I had that talk in my apartment, the day I learned my sister had agreed to treatment. It was time to let all of my anger go. I’d been too young to understand what my mother was going through, and I didn’t know the intimate details of my parents’ marriage. I could never justify what my father did—because he had the option to walk away instead of lying and cheating—but if I held on to that, I’d never be free. And I really wanted to be free… free to be with West. If we could find a way to make it work.
“I’m glad you’re feeling better about that. I hated seeing you beat yourself up about things you couldn’t change.”
He was right. For years I’d asked myself what I could have done to help my mother so she didn’t feel desperate enough to take her own life. But in the end, I had to accept the fact there was nothing I could have done. She’d done what she had to do, and now I had to do what I felt was right for me.
“Here we are,” he said, pulling up a long gravel drive with a discreet black-and-white sign that read Rest Haven.
“It’s so pretty here,” I said, admiring the freshly cut grass and beds of perennials surrounding the two-story main structure. “How did you find this place?”
“Did a little research when one of the girls who worked for us was going through a rough time.” He looked uncomfortable as he cut the engine and unplugged his phone from the charger. “She got help here, so I brought a few others here as well over the years.”
I reached for his hand. “I’m really glad those girls had someone like you who cared.”
“I know you think we were only interested in making money and using women to do it, but we kept a lot of them off the streets.”
Things weren’t always black and white, right or wrong. My time on the force had taught me about all the shades of gray, but I seemed to keep learning the same lesson. “I know.”
“They had no other way to make a living. They needed the money to support themselves and their kids.”
I nodded. “I get it.”
“Do you?” When I hesitated, he said, “Because if we hadn’t given them a job, someone else would have. Someone who wouldn’t have looked out for them and protected them the way we did, the way my brother still does.”
I had to admit I’d been pretty closed-minded during our relationship. He deserved the benefit of the doubt, but I hadn’t given it to him because I didn’t know how to open my mind or heart back then. I was getting better at that now. “You’re good guys, you and Ty. I know that.”
He seemed to visibly relax before he said, “I’m not a saint. Never claimed to be. But I’d never intentionally hurt or use a woman. I’m always straight up about what I want and what I expect.”
“What do you want from me?” We’d avoided talking about our relationship since Katie went into treatment. I knew he’d been waiting for me to bring it up when I was ready, and I was finally ready now.
“I want…” His gaze fell, making my heart clench. “I just want you to be happy. I don’t know if that can be with me, but I’d like it to be.”
I couldn’t imagine being happy with anyone else. “West, I—”
“This isn’t the time or place to talk about us,” he said, gesturing to the building in front of us. “Your sister is looking forward to seeing you. Let’s go.”
I watched him get out of the vehicle and walk around to my side. I saw the tension in his broad shoulders and I hated knowing I’d caused it. I wanted nothing more than to relieve it, but he was right—this wasn’t the time or place.
He guided me inside and spoke to the lady at the front desk. I showed her my identification and we signed in before she told me Katie was sitting outside, getting some fresh air, and directed us to a back door.
On my way outside, I made eye contact with a few women who were reading or doing crossword puzzles.
I gasped when I saw Katie for the first time. She looked better than I’d seen her in years. There was color in her cheeks again. She’d put on a little weight since the last time I saw her, and even though she was wearing makeup, I saw no evidence of the dark circles I was so used to seeing under her eyes. She jumped up and ran toward me as soon as she spotted us. I hugged her hard, inhaling deeply as we clung to each other.
West was watching us with a smile, and I mouthed, “Thank you.” He was the one responsible for this moment. God, I loved this man.
Katie was crying, but she laughed a little as she threw herself into West’s arms. “I can’t thank you enough for bringing me here. Seriously, you saved my life, West.”
“I’m just glad you’re getting better, sweetheart,” he said, brushing away her tears with his thumb.
I swallowed the lump in my throat as I saw how tender he was with her. This was someone who would always treat me with the same love and respect… and our children. I suddenly wanted that with a fierceness I couldn’t explain.
“The grounds here are nice,” he said, gesturing to some trails that seemed to lead to a forested area. “Think I might take a walk, let you girls catch up.”
I grabbed his hand before he could get away. Our eyes met before I pressed a brief kiss to his lips. I wanted him to know how much he meant to me, even if I couldn’t say the words just yet.
Katie watched him walk away as she said, “So you guys are back together again. I’m so happy for you, sis. I always knew he was the one for you.”
“We’re getting there,” I said, linking my arm through hers as I led her back to the bench she’d been sitting on. “It’ll take some time though. We’re getting to know each other all over again. We’re not the same people we were when we dated, which is a good thing, I think.”
“I went to him for a job.” Katie sighed. “I felt so lost and alone. I was in shock after Bryan died. I didn’t know who to turn to, but I knew I’d be sleeping on the street if I didn’t find a quick way to make a buck. That’s what made me think of West and the club.”
I laced her fingers through mine, holding tight. Her nails were neatly trimmed and polished. The fact that she’d cared enough about herself to do that made my heart swell. It was a little thing, but it meant she was slowly finding her way back to me.
“I’m sorry about Bryan.” I’d only met him once, when Katie came to me for money last year.
“He was too far gone,” she said, her voice cracking. “I tried to save him, but I was too weak to save myself.”
“You could have come to me, you know. If you were ready for rehab. You know I would have been happy to take you.”
“I didn’t even know I was ready, to be honest.” She smiled at me. “It wasn’t until I was looking at West, thinking how nice it would be to have man like him…” She bumped shoulders with me. “Not that I’m after your man or anything. I would never do that to you.”
“I know.” But even more importantly, I knew West would never do that to me.
“He’s just so strong and sexy.” She giggled. “And I thought, a man like him would want someone as strong and capable and sexy as he is. Guess that’s why he chose you, huh?”
“I don’t know about that.” I smirked. “His hotness factor is off the charts. But don’t tell him I said that—it’ll go to his head.”
“I realized after seeing West again that if I wanted to start attracting better men, I had to get better.”
“Makes sense.”
“But after being here a while, doing the therapy and dealing with the withdrawal, I realize there are more important things in life than attracting a good man who’ll take care of me. I have to take care of myself first. I have to learn to love myself and believe that I’m worthy of love.”
“I’m glad you finally get that, sis.” I’d been trying to tell her that for years, but she’d been deaf to my pleas, as if she couldn’t even hear me.
“And I have to forgive myself.” She turned to face me, brushing my hair back over my shoulders. “I wasn’t there for you, and I should have been. I was the big sister, the one who was supposed to take care of you when we lost Mom. Instead you wound up taking care of me. I’m sorry about that.”
“It’s okay.” I’d never blamed her. I already knew by that time that she had a sickness and needed help.
“No, it’s not okay.” She took my hands as she looked me in the eye. “I can’t go back and change anything, and neither can you. You didn’t do anything wrong, hon. You know that, right?”
I swallowed, trying to battle my emotions. “I know.”
“Mom was the one who left us. She did that. But not because she wanted to, because she was sick. She didn’t know how to cope anymore.”
I bit my lip as I looked at our joined hands and fought back tears. I nodded in acknowledgement when words wouldn’t come.
“And Dad…” She sighed. “He was wrong to do what he did. But don’t think he’s not paying the price, Shani. He is.”
My head snapped up as I narrowed my eyes. “You say that like you know it for a fact. You haven’t talked to him, have you?”
“I called him.” She raised a hand. “Before you let me have it, it was part of my therapy. My counselor suggested it. I’ve been keeping all this shit bottled up for so long. That was part of the reason I took drugs, because I was trying to suppress it.”
“I get that, but—”
“Just let me finish,” she said, her smile gentle. “I had to put the past to rest, once and for all. To apologize to all the people I’ve hurt and—”
“You didn’t hurt Dad! He hurt us.” If I found out she’d apologized to him, I’d lose my shit.
“I know that. And I had to air my grievances, tell him what he’d done to us. And Mom.”
“And?” I told myself I didn’t care what he said or thought, yet I was hanging on her every word.
“Don’t think he doesn’t know the pain he’s caused. He does. And he has to live with that every day. He hates that he lost us—”
“What did he expect would happen when he walked out on Mom? That we’d welcome him back with open arms after she died and we were desperate?” We had been desperate after our mom died. My sister was barely legal and already messed up, but at least we’d been able to stay together and take care of each other as best we could.
“He’s battled his own demons. He’s been in AA for the past eight years.”
I’d never known our father to have more than a social drink, and I didn’t know how to feel about that bit of news. I had so many questions about him, but I couldn’t ask. It would seem like I cared, and I didn’t. Much.
“Is he still with her?” It wasn’t fair to blame the woman who’d lured him away from his family, but I couldn’t help it.
“No, they split about ten years ago. Because of his drinking.”
“I bet he still has a relationship with her kids though, doesn’t he?”
“They’re his kids too,” she said softly. “Our brother and sister.”
I tried not to think about them. It was too painful. “They’re strangers to us. That’s all they’ll ever be.”
“You still have so much resentment,” she said, touching my cheek. “You have to try to let that go. That’s what I’m doing here, learning to let go. If I don’t, I’ll be right back into that shit as soon as I hit the streets again.”
Oh God, I didn’t want that for her. “I’ll support you, whatever you decide. If you want to reach out to them, I’ll understand.”
“I’m not sure yet,” she said, rubbing her thumb over the back of my hand. “It’s something I’ve been talking to my therapist about. You think you might like to come with me if I do meet them?” She looked at me, her eyes wide and hopeful. “I’m not sure I could do it alone.”
I’d been there for Katie all her life. Could I really turn my back on her now when she needed me more than ever? Of course not. I didn’t want a relationship with our half siblings, but I couldn’t begrudge Katie that if she felt it was a part of her healing process.
“Can I have some time to think about it?” I already knew what my answer would be though. If she needed my support, I’d always be there for her.
“Take all the time you need.”
“Don’t ask me to see Dad again,” I said, needing to quash that idea before she could even voice it. “I can’t do that.”
She nodded before she said, “I know what he did was wrong and he hurt us, but he’s still our father.”
He was our father. I hated to admit he’d been a good one, but that was before he’d made the decision that tore our family apart. “He stopped being my father the day he walked out on us.”
“People make mistakes, Shani.” Her voice was barely above a whisper. “They deserve to be forgiven if they’re genuinely sorry, and he is. He’s spent the last eight years trying to make his life better.”
“I don’t care.” I tried like hell not to care, but a small part of me did.
“If he doesn’t deserve forgiveness, why do I?”
“What?”
“I’ve lied to you, hurt you, and even stolen from you when I was desperate. Why can you forgive me and not him?”
“He was our father. He was supposed to take care of us and be there for us, no matter what.”
“And I’m your big sister. I was supposed to take care of you too. And I failed miserably. Yet you still love and forgive me, but not him.” When I had no response, she said, “Don’t you think that has something to do with your relationship with men? The fact that you’ve never been able to commit to marriage or—”
“Stop.” I couldn’t go there now, not when I felt so vulnerable and exposed. I felt as though my sister was putting me through a therapy session I’d never wanted. I was afraid if I opened the floodgates on the shitstorm of my past, I’d never be able to close them again. “I don’t want to talk about this now.”
“Fine, don’t talk about it.” She hugged me. “But promise me you’ll at least think about it. West deserves that… and so do you.”