I stroke a hand through brass locks I can’t get enough of. I’ve been out of it for days, maybe weeks, but even so, I know I’ve missed this. I feel full, like everything’s right today, between Tatiana here with me, and the incredible nine-year-old who sat by my bedside, holding my hand, staring into my eyes like she’s always known me the way I’ve known her.
Is there such a thing as innate love? I have to look it up.
It feels good to be out of secrets.
Ariadna was the first little person I saw when I woke up.
You’re my pappa. You’re awake now, grazie a Dio. My mamma told me you’d be with me if she ever had to leave.
Who knew Melania Santa Colombini put so much trust in me?
I saw your pictures on the internet. Mamma said you loved me much. Is it true?
Whenever I was in the news, they found me.
Yes, I’ve always loved you. I’ve loved you since the day you were made.
I’m so fucking grateful to the young woman I left behind in Venice with a growing belly. She kept our deadly secret and raised our baby. Where would we be today if it wasn’t for her belief in me?
“I think your dad’s happy you’re done with your McDonald’s visit,” Tatiana murmurs when my eyes water at the sight of my daughter.
“I’ll take you somewhere as soon as I get out of the hospital,” I say.
“Where to, Pappa?”
“It’s a surprise, baby.”
My daughter smiles the way Gabriela does. It’s small and mischievous, curving only the corners of her lips as she slides a questioning stare to Tatiana.
Tatiana shrugs and grimaces out her playful defeat.
It’s a pisser to run your empire from a hospital bed. I did it from Venice once I woke up in their ICU. Now, I’m running Lucid from St. John’s in L.A., and I’m not happy about it. My fucking body needs to get it together and get me the hell out of here.
“How ’bout the final cuts of Troy’s scene?” I say hoarsely to Gianni. I still have moments when my lungs don’t cooperate. Like right fucking now.
“Sweetheart,” Tatiana says. “Why don’t you leave it for now? Gianni can wait.”
I cough. Do the eye-shift she hates: upward, letting my lids cover most of my irises before I relax and meet her gaze again. I clear my throat, but the effort ends in another goddamn cough.
She leans over the hospital bed, snatches my cell, and hits speaker phone. “Gianni? Isaias can’t talk right now, so I’ll be his voice. What’s up with Troy’s scene?” She arches a brow at me while she waits for his reply. Sexy.
“Oh, just that I couldn’t be happier with the final cut. I’ll send the PG-version over to him tonight. I’ve got Johnson doing a last polish on sound as we speak. As for the… Can I talk openly?” He waits.
Tatiana narrows her eyes at me. God, this woman.
We’ve been through a lot together in a short period of time. She’s watched me pull guns with the serial number grinded off. She’s seen me ruthlessly clip down enemies to reach the goal in my head.
I’m not the only one who’s out of secrets. After she stormed Il Palazzo Rosa with the red-jackets, her secret was out too, and she could’ve taken me down with the Colombini and the Mobespierre Sanguine. Instead she wrote me up as her informant.
“Sure, Gianni. You can speak freely.” I inhale the air I’d lost as I stare at my woman. The question in her eyes is as clear as her irises. Do I want to hear this? She makes me laugh; I’m used to everyone following my lead, but it’s damn nice when someone doesn’t— if that someone is the beautiful Tatiana of the Valley.
Law frequently needs Crime. Egoistic reasons will pull the two together. Law needing information. Crime needing absolution and an opportunity to move on with a clean slate. Even so, there’s often a common goal, like with Tatiana and me: our ideal roads to get there might have been different, but we wanted an end to violence and relief for those who’d lived in fear.
“Okay, well, I have the X-version ready too. I’m talking the full version for the whole song,” Gianni replies on the other end.
“You do?”
“Yeah. I’ll upload it for you.”
As I hang up, Tatiana squints at me. I like that about her. It’s nice to have someone so close they try to enter your brain.
“The X-version?”
I shrug. Of course, she knows what we’re talking about, a music video where genitalia meet genitalia and ends in all the climactic juices.
“Isaias.” She tips her chin downward, stare piercing me as she silently nudges my morals.
“Tatiana.”
She doesn’t insist. Again and again, she’s perfect.
The X-cut wasn’t my plan for Clown Irruption. Our contract says PG only, which means I won’t use what I have without their consent. But filming adult content, you consider all angles; soft-core, hard-core, female-friendly, plus, plus, and with multiple cameras rolling, it’s a matter of economics to get the most out of each shoot.
Who knows what will happen in the future. Clown Irruption and I might agree upon a re-edited, uncut, or behind-the-camera edition of “Deep in You.” If that happens, Gianni will have us covered. Eventually, I’ll explain this to Tatiana, but with my current shortness of breath, I don’t bother.
“Where’s my littlest girl?” I whisper instead. It’s not like I haven’t seen Ariadna today, but I miss her.
My custody of Ariadna hasn’t been straightened out yet. They tell me there are Colombinis left in Venice and some random asshole in the U.S. wanting to claim her. Can’t say I’m worried, though. A little paternity test and a small haggle of lawyers, and we’re good to go.
“Your mother took her to some high-end kid’s place for lunch.”
I widen my eyes in fake surprise. “Really? That’s odd.”
“Isn’t it? I guess she likes her grandbaby a little bit?”
I grin. With Ma, it’s all about the heart. “She enjoys spoiling her.”
“Right. First grandchild and all.”
“As far as we know.”
“Stop it, Isaias. That’s not funny.”
I lift the corner of my lip in a mafia-film snarl-grin. It makes her snort. “You’re so full of yourself,” she murmurs. “You think you know it all.”
The amusement leaves me in a slow exhale. “Not anymore.”
She rests her chin in her hands, then, looking straight at me with eyes that are tender, understanding, and more than I deserve. “No?”
“Nah. I thought I had it all figured out, but you taught me a lesson.”
Tatiana smiles, and I don’t say anything else. It’s my apology, my goddamn sincere apology, and when I’m jumbled and don’t say things right, my love gets me all the same. All out of secrets, I’m here with her. And so I pull her face toward me and place a kiss on her soft, soft lips.