Chapter Six

THE NEXT MORNING Laney lay on her side as the sun trickled in through the umbrella of trees, sprinkling light through the tent’s little screen window. She loved early mornings when they were camping. On the occasions when she stayed at Jackson’s place or he stayed at her place in the city, Jackson almost always awoke before her. Sometimes he even went on a morning run before she got out of bed, but when they were camping and it was just the two of them, without work rattling around in their heads or commitments looming, he usually slept in. In sleep, the tension that kept his jaw tight and his brows a little downturned wasn’t there.

One of his arms was arced over his head and his other hand lay on his stomach. He had slept in almost the same position since he was a teenager, and she reveled in the familiarity of it. She knew that if she made a sound, he’d reach for her without opening his eyes and pull her in tight against him, making contented sounds she’d come to love. When she was alone at night she’d think of those noises and the feel of him spooning her.

She rolled onto her back and closed her eyes, conjuring up Bryce’s face. He was strikingly handsome, with hair a shade lighter than Jackson’s, mossy green eyes, and a lean, strong body. His laugh was infectious, deep and hearty. The kind of laugh that vibrated through her chest and made her laugh right along with him. She smiled at the thought, but as her mind drifted to last night, her smile faltered and her stomach knotted. Bryce knew that she and Jackson slept together. He’d never asked for specifics, but she’d been clear when they’d started dating. And when he’d asked her for a monogamous commitment a few months ago, she’d also been clear and said that she wasn’t ready for that—and she didn’t know if or when she would be.

Why had he done it?

Why had he proposed? Was it to finally tie her down? And why couldn’t she just say no? Her eyes shifted to Jackson again. He was the man she wanted to have forever with—and he was the one man she knew wasn’t an option. Jackson didn’t do commitment. Sure, he’d been with her for all these years, but he’d also been with other women, and he’d made no bones about not being the monogamous type.

Just as she had.

She heard birds take flight from a nearby tree and mistook it for the sound of her heart breaking. Cawing sounded in the distance, and she slipped from the covers, still naked from the night before, and quietly grabbed her backpack. She didn’t want to wake Jackson, and the way her mind was churning was making her too antsy to sit still.

Outside the tent, she stretched and pulled on a T-shirt and shorts, then grabbed a blanket and cooking supplies and went down to the water. The lake rippled in the morning breeze, mixing with the sounds of leaves brushing and birds singing. The sounds out here in the mountains were gloriously different from and more soothing than the sounds of the city. Sometimes in the early-morning hours in the city, she would sit outside on her balcony and listen to the cars and the people rushing about, breathing in the rancid city smell, and she wondered why and how society let the city replace this much natural beauty.

She knew the answers, of course. Life needed to be lived, goals needed to be met, success needed to be had. She’d been on that money train for a long time, too, and knew she was in no place to judge others. But for a few days each year, she got to pretend she lived a more relaxed lifestyle. 

Laney laid out the blanket, then set the bottle of eco-friendly shampoo by the water’s edge, stripped off her clothes, and dug a towel out of the backpack. She wrapped it around her body, and when she reached over to zip the compartment, she saw it.

The velvet box.

The looming proposal rushed back to her.

It hadn’t been far from her mind, but she’d been able to ignore it for a while, like a festering wound covered with a bandage. Only it wasn’t really a festering wound; it was a lovely proposal from a very nice man.

She sank down to the blanket with the velvet box and drew in a deep breath as she slowly opened it. The diamond glistened in the sun. It really was a beautiful ring, with a simple gold band and the enormous rock stunningly set. She took the ring from the box and twirled it in her fingers, catching the light on the perfect edges. She would have a nice life with Bryce. He was stable and caring and supportive. What else could a woman ask for?

He’d never stray, and there was some comfort in that.

He’d never have a wild side, either, and that made her heart ache a little.

She closed her fingers around the ring, holding it in her palm as she set the velvet box down beside her and gazed out at the water. Thinking about the things Jackson had said to her, she wondered why Bryce didn’t care if she was sleeping with Jackson all this time. Why hadn’t he asked for more specifics over their months together? She knew Jackson would never date a woman for any length of time without knowing her sexual habits and whether she was sleeping with other partners. Hell, she wouldn’t date a guy without knowing his sexual habits. Bryce had been proud of his monogamy. He’d told her from their second date that even if she wasn’t going to commit, he was.

He did.

She, however, had continued sleeping with Jackson.

She hadn’t even considered sleeping with anyone else. She opened her palm and stared down at the ring, thinking about her sexual habits. She and Jackson stepped over to the wild side, but she’d never done that with other guys. With Jackson everything was different. She couldn’t get enough of him, couldn’t share enough of herself. He allowed her to be as dirty or as sweet as she wanted. If she was pissed, they had hot, angry sex, and if she was feeling lonely, he cherished her body as if every inch of it deserved tenderness and love. He always knew just what she needed. Like last night. She needed to have him in a way that was only theirs. She’d never let any other man touch her there.

Bryce was a missionary lover. He was a strong, talented lover, but he had limits. Even when she went down on him, he never really relaxed, but that was okay, she reasoned, because not everyone could lose themselves in someone the way she and Jackson lost themselves in each other.

 Relationships weren’t all about sex, though, and with Bryce, the other pieces of their lives fit together nicely. He was a professional stockbroker, and he fit in well with her colleagues. He was always appropriate, unlike Jackson, who sometimes reached for her thigh under the table when they were with friends, or would pick up two women for a ménage à trois when she wasn’t around. Her heart squeezed with that thought. She never liked to think about his sex life, but she knew it existed. He’d never tried to hide it from her, and as long as he practiced safe sex, she had no business even thinking about it.

Except now she couldn’t help thinking about it.

Jackson wasn’t the kind of guy who would ever settle down—that much she knew for sure. But still, as she slid the ring onto her finger and held it up to inspect the anomaly, part of her wished he’d been the one to present her with the ring, with a future.

With his love.

***

JACKSON STEPPED INTO his jeans and slid his feet into his boots. He hadn’t heard Laney leave the tent, but it was her absence that had woken him. When he’d rolled over and reached for her, he’d discovered that the bag with their cooking supplies was gone, as was her backpack. Laney liked to camp, but she also liked to be clean. He groggily lumbered through the woods toward the lake, where he was sure he’d find her bathed, dressed in clean clothes, and probably sunning herself on the rock again.

Even though the sun was shining, the woods smelled moist, like it might rain. Leaves and sticks crackled under his heavy boots as he neared the edge of the woods. Laney sat on the blanket wrapped in a towel, her hair still bone dry. She turned slightly toward the sun, and Jackson’s stomach sank when he saw the engagement ring on her finger. She lifted her chin, admiring the damn thing and probably thinking about Bryce and what a great life they’d have together.

He shifted his eyes away, clenching his jaw tight and fisting his hands by his sides. He had no business being angry, or being bothered at all for that matter. He didn’t want to switch places with Bryce. He wasn’t interested in walking down the aisle. But he didn’t want her to, either.

Jackson closed his eyes for a moment to regain control of his emotions. Then he strode determinedly out of the woods, keeping his eyes trained on the water, and washed his hands in the lake, his back to Laney.

“You brought that thing with you?” He hated that he snapped, but at the moment he had about as much control over his emotions as a rabid dog. He probably should have gone back to the campsite, but he wasn’t a wimp. He could deal with this. He heard her scrambling behind him, and the snap of the jewelry box resounded like a cannon in his ears.

“You knew I had it in the car,” she snapped back. “What was I going to do? Leave it there to get stolen?”

“Leaving it at home would have been a good start,” he grumbled, feeling exactly like the jerk he knew he was acting like.

“Well, I didn’t, so…”

He heard her walk toward him and sensed the heat of her standing behind him. She pressed her hand to the small of his back, and he closed his eyes, telling himself to calm the fuck down.

“Why are you so grouchy this morning?” As she moved to his side, her hand slid along his hip, then hooked in the waistband of his jeans.

Because I’m fucked up about your proposal.

When he didn’t answer, she picked up a washcloth and dunked it in the water, then soaped it up and began washing her legs. She was good at letting him stew. Usually it was something he admired about her, but at that moment his thoughts were clawing to be heard. But they weren’t clear and present—they were muffled and confusing—and before he could take the time to weed through them, they spilled angrily from his lips.

“You should accept his proposal.”

“Why?”

Out of his peripheral vision, he watched her washing her gorgeous legs, the legs that his face had been buried between last night. The legs he knew by scent, by touch, by the gentle pressure she applied as she locked them around his waist when he was buried deep inside her.

Fuck.

“He’s a good guy. You should marry him.” He shifted his eyes away as she reached beneath the towel to wash the rest of her body.

“Really? I didn’t expect you to say that.” She was so matter-of-fact that it pissed him off even more.

“What the hell do you want, Laney? He’s a solid guy. He loves you. He’s offering you what every woman wants.” He crossed his arms, a barrier between his aching heart and the awful words spewing from his mouth.

“You really think I should consider it?” She sounded dumbfounded, but he wasn’t about to turn around and look.

One look at her right now, when his emotions were so raw and he felt so powerless, and he knew his resolve would crumble and he’d beg her not to accept the proposal.

“Yes.” He walked toward the fire pit they’d made yesterday.

“Fine. Maybe I’ll consider it.”

He spun around, shocked by the ease with which she’d caved. “What? You’re going to consider the very first proposal you get?”

Her jaw gaped and her eyes widened in a look of shock Jackson had rarely seen. “You told me to! I trust you!”

“Fine!” Fuck!

“Fine?” She was yelling now, stomping out of the water toward him with a dripping washcloth in one tightly fisted hand and a scowl on her gorgeous face. She poked him in the chest—hard.

“If you have something to say to me, just say it. Stop pussyfooting around.”

He ground his teeth together, unwilling to take her bait. It would do him no good to tell her that he didn’t want to lose what they had.

“Well?” she challenged, eyes narrow, arms trembling as she crossed them tightly. Then her gaze softened and she dropped her eyes to his chest. “That’s all you’ve got? You tell me I should marry him and then you clam up?”

His voice was somewhere between his lungs and his throat, but it was loud and clear in his fucked-up mind.

Don’t marry him, Laney. Don’t ruin us.

She raised her eyes to his, and the sadness in them shattered the silence.

“What are you afraid of, Jackson? Tell me what’s going on in that head of yours.”

Love me, Laney.

He couldn’t force the words from his lungs. She deserved a guy who would give her everything. He wanted to be that guy. Desperately. But he’d never been faithful to a woman in his life. He’d always had Laney. What if he only had Laney? Could he be with only Laney?

Despite his love for her, he didn’t know. He just didn’t fucking know, and she deserved to know exactly what she was getting.

Bryce was safe.

Jackson wanted her to be safe.

Fuck…He turned away, unable to untangle the desire to be her world from his inability to know if he could give up his own.

“That’s what I thought.” She sounded defeated, and it drove the stake deeper into his heart.

He heard her walk back into the water, leaving him to drown in his own indecision.