Chapter Eight
I waited on the side of Global City’s massive big-top tent while Luke stopped inside to check in and make us sandwiches from their 24/7 peanut-butter-and-jelly bar. I shot a text off to Dad, telling him where I was so he wouldn’t worry. I gave the text a minute to send, then turned off my phone. I didn’t want to read Dad’s response. I didn’t want to think about any of it yet.
I followed Luke to his tent in the upper quadrant of Global City where the University of Washington’s colors of purple and gold blazed in the beam of my headlamp. The quadrant’s central gathering tent had a sign clipped to the side, labeling it as the Dawghouse.
Luke and I crawled into his tent, and he looped his headlamp strap through an X in the tent poles. He clicked the power down on the bulb so the light wasn’t overpowering. We unfolded napkins across our laps, then we pulled our sandwiches apart and put potato chips in the center before taking our first bites.
In previous seasons, Luke had shared a tent with Mingma, so we had mostly hung out in my tent. His tent—this tent—was quite impersonal and typical for a guy, except for the worn copy of World’s 19ers on his pillow. I’d gotten him that book as a graduation present, purchased with the birthday money my grandparents had sent that year.
I looked from the book to him, finding a hint of discomfort on his face. Claustrophobia, perhaps? Like a two-person tent wasn’t big enough for us now that he had a girlfriend? Or that there were things he should have been doing, but he was stuck with me because he’d been a nice guy who’d noticed something was wrong and invited me to watch Pound Rescue?
I tried not to think about this as we rolled our napkins up and washed the sandwiches down with cartons of chocolate milk. Luke slid World’s 19ers to the side and propped his tablet against his pillow. The tablet was a definite upgrade from the rickety portable DVD player I still used.
Luke sat on the far side of the sleeping pad. He unzipped his sleeping bag and spread it wide like a blanket. Even wearing thick down jackets and long underwear, you couldn’t just hang out in a tent in the ten-degree Himalaya night without a sleeping bag.
Next, Luke and I would lie down on his bed to watch the movie. Now it was me feeling claustrophobic. In just seconds, we’d be squished together out of necessity because of the narrowness of the foam pad, the smallness of the screen, and needing to share earbuds. It didn’t matter that we’d watched a hundred movies this way; the last time we’d watched a movie together, we’d ended up cuddling and on the brink of something more.
A pang of regret hit me that our last season together hadn’t been a full one. I had this strange feeling that if it had, my whole world right now might be completely different.
Luke was lying down now, scrolling through his tablet for the Pound Rescue episodes. If I delayed joining him on his bed any longer it would be awkward. More awkward than it already was.
I lifted the edge of his sleeping bag and crawled in next to him. He reached up behind my head and clicked off his headlamp. The light from the screen was the only thing illuminating the tent now. He handed me the right-side earbud. To my utter humiliation, my fingers were shaking so much that I dropped it.
The episode started, but I couldn’t focus at all. Despite the multiple layers of clothing and jackets between us, every point of his body that touched mine was burning.
And his smell! Being so close to him, beneath the very sleeping bag he slept in every night, was like being inside a cozy, warm air freshener made of the Nepalese soap Mingma used for laundry.
My body longed to nudge closer. To prompt him to put his arm around my shoulders as if there had been a time warp and we were back in that afternoon of the earthquake. My willpower to resist this was melting.
No! I scolded myself silently. I couldn’t let him see that I had not moved on like he had. That still, after all this time, I was overpoweringly attracted to him.
Luke paused the movie. “What’s up?”
He’d noticed. Shit. I sat bolt upright, which dragged the tablet off the pillow until the earbud yanked out of my ear.
Double awkward. What to do? Say something!
“You know how I said I hadn’t told my dad about Townsend College?”
“Yeah.”
“I told him today, and it’s bad. That’s what’s been bothering me.”
Luke removed his earbud and sat up. “He wants you to go?”
“Yes, but it’s more than that. We’re completely out of money. I have to get a job right away.”
“Doing what?”
“Guiding.”
He frowned.
“What?”
“I didn’t know that’s what you wanted to do.”
“It’s what I know. It’s what makes sense. Besides, what’s wrong with guiding, Mr. Global Adventurers guide?”
He laughed. “Okay, point taken.”
Luke’s deep, familiar eyes sparkled along with the smile his dimples were framing. His straight black hair stuck up all over the place from wearing a hat today. My mind found him adorable; my body found him irresistible.
Almost too gradually to detect, the bow of his smile lowered until he wasn’t smiling anymore.
My smile slid off as well. In the glare of Pound Rescue paused on his tablet, our eyes locked. The intensity burning in his made my stomach flip over and over.
“You said it makes sense to be a guide,” he said. “And you said back in Tengboche that you didn’t think college was right for you. So what is it that you want?”
A way to climb Cerro Torre and the Top Five.
I wasn’t going to tell him this. Especially now that my only shot at it was gone.
“It’s not straightforward like that,” I said. “Have you ever dragged your feet on something, but it wasn’t until that thing was out of the way that you could start thinking about everything that thing might have been blocking? Well, that’s how it was for me about college.”
He looked away quickly, like I’d hit a nerve. I waited for him to say something, but he didn’t.
“Well, it’s getting late. I should probably get back,” I said, sliding over to the door and reaching for my hiking boots.
“Hang on, Emily.”
He scooted closer so he wouldn’t have to yell across the tent. “I know it sounds weird that I was implying you shouldn’t be a guide when that’s exactly what I’m doing right now, but that’s all it is. It’s just for now. A college job. It was something I fell into because of my job at the outdoor rec center and this being a UW expedition.”
“Luke—”
“Just listen. I have a feeling you’re thinking about guiding because it’s convenient and safe. But the thing is, there’s nothing safe about guiding inexperienced clients on dangerous mountains. And it’s not climbing, either. It’s neither mountaineering nor a career.” He swallowed. “You were right to call me on the guiding thing, because the truth is, I don’t really want to be on Everest this season. I only did it because it was a free plane ticket home, and with Mom sick, I wanted to make sure she and Pasang were okay.”
The heaviness in his voice tugged on my heartstrings, and I knew how hard it had been for him to admit that. I put my arms around him and squeezed. He did the same.
And then neither of us let go. My heart raced.
Why did you never email? After all that had been building between us, why was there never anything more than Circs?
His grip tightened. “You’re like me,” he whispered. “You have dreams in the mountains. Think of Cerro Torre. Think of the Top Five project. You’re good enough to get a sponsorship, and then it could be completely within reach. I would hate to see you lose your dreams because you’re being paid to make other people’s dreams come true instead.”
His words filled my heart to the brim. I didn’t mean to, but I laid my head on his shoulder. It felt good and right. “Dreams can change a lot in two years,” I whispered back.
He pulled me in a little tighter. “Yes, but some things never change.”