CHAPTER TWELVE
Last night had been pure fantasy. This morning felt closer to a nightmare.
So far today, they’d both had a dozen vials of blood drawn at the UC Davis transplant center, and then Justin had been taken into his donor-evaluation meetings. But before he left, he’d given Taylor a kiss so hot it was clearly meant to wipe her mind clean of everything except memories of their breathless lovemaking.
But though her body heated up all over, she couldn’t shake her rampantly conflicted thoughts about Justin offering to donate a kidney to her.
Too antsy to sit still on one of the padded blue chairs in the waiting room, she headed outside into the sunny, slightly crisp air. The weather had only recently started to turn cooler, but thankfully, Justin had grabbed her coat when they’d left this morning. Nervous about their visit to the transplant center, she’d gotten ready on autopilot—she could barely remember taking a shower and getting dressed. Even seeing Justin’s sister Maddie again after so many years had hardly registered. Under any other circumstances, Taylor would have wanted a big catch-up. Thankfully, Maddie had seemed to understand, giving Taylor a warm hug and saying, “Don’t worry about a thing, I’ve got your B&B covered for as long as you need me.” The next thing Taylor knew, she was in the passenger seat of Justin’s rental car and they were on their way to Davis.
During the hour-long drive, he’d told her stories about his childhood, about scrapes he and his siblings had gotten into, about adventures they’d had together. She’d laughed in the right places, but she hadn’t really been present, something he must have been aware of. It was, she assumed, why he’d kept up a running one-sided conversation—so that she would only be able to freak out with half a brain, rather than letting nerves take her over completely.
The sun warmed her while she walked through campus, and she unzipped her coat halfway. She’d been to UC Davis before—she’d met with doctors all over the Bay Area since her diagnosis—but she’d never been in any state of mind to appreciate how lovely the campus was. Looking up at the thick canopy of walnut branches, she forced herself to stop, to breathe, to notice the way the leaves were just starting to turn color, the green threaded with faint hints of red and orange and yellow.
Soon, the trees would be vibrant with fall color. She’d always loved autumn in California, the way the sky was almost always clear, which meant you could still hike and bike and have picnics outside, but then in the evening when the temperature dropped, you could light a fire and sit, warm and toasty, beside it with a mug of hot chocolate.
As she walked, she realized that somewhere along the way in these past few months, she had started to dread the coming of fall. She’d started to hate the passage of time, simply because she was afraid that time was the very last thing she had.
She’d always tried to be hopeful. Even when it had felt as though she was living a life that someone else had scripted, even after Justin had left for Germany, she’d never wanted to pull the covers over her head and not get up. She couldn’t let herself fall to pieces now, not when she finally had the kind of love she’d never dared believe could be hers.
Just days ago, she’d told Justin how working on renovating her grandfather’s home and turning it into a B&B had shown her that as long as she didn’t give up, she could do anything she set her mind to. He’d seemed surprised that she hadn’t already known that about herself, had acted as though she’d been foolish not to give herself credit for being strong.
This morning, she needed to hold on to that belief. Needed to hold on to her determination to never give up, never stop fighting for a long and healthy life!
Turning back, she headed toward the hospital, so she’d be waiting for Justin with a smile, with a hug, with a kiss when he emerged from his evaluation meetings. Yes, she was still deeply conflicted about him being her donor, but since they didn’t even know yet if he would be a match, she wouldn’t let herself borrow trouble.
One day at a time. That was how she needed to take things. And she was going to do her darnedest to appreciate each and every day that came, without letting herself sink into the trap of dreading potential problems that might, or might not, come.
She was about to step inside the hospital’s double doors when her phone buzzed with her mother’s ring tone. Knowing better than to ignore her mom’s calls two days in a row, she picked up.
“I had a dream that you were in the hospital,” her mother said with no preamble. “Please tell me it’s just my mind playing tricks on me.”
Wow, talk about mother’s intuition. Taylor had never lied to her mom before, but over the past few months, she’d learned that oversharing wasn’t a great idea either. She didn’t want to keep her in the dark, but at the same time, it often seemed better to carefully and slowly dole out test results and prognoses. She could only imagine how distressed she’d be if she were in her mother’s position.
“I’m actually at UC Davis right now—”
“Oh God, what’s happened?”
“I just needed to get some blood work done.”
She couldn’t say that she was there because Justin wanted to donate a kidney to her. Regardless of the way her mother felt about him, Caroline would have no compunction about Taylor accepting his kidney. First and foremost, Taylor didn’t want to get her mother’s hopes up that Justin would be a match, when the odds were long against it. And if he did end up being compatible with her—her mom would probably hold him hostage until he was under the knife.
Still, Taylor knew better than to keep news of Justin’s arrival in St. Helena to herself for any longer than she already had. It would only end up looking suspicious, as though she had something to hide. She’d already hidden her feelings for him for too many years. She couldn’t stand the thought of hiding them another second.
“I’m not here alone,” she said. “Justin is with me. He’s actually staying in St. Helena this week, at my B&B.”
“Justin Morrison is staying at your bed-and-breakfast?” Her mother sounded stunned. “I thought he was in Germany.” Where Caroline had clearly hoped he’d stay forever, five thousand miles away from her daughter.
“He’s in town for his brother’s wedding this coming weekend,” Taylor explained. But before she could say how wonderful it was to see him again—and that they weren’t just friends anymore—her mother cut in.
“I thought you’d barely heard from him.”
“That wasn’t his fault, Mom, it was both of us. But we’ve talked everything through, and we’re good again. Better than good, actually.” Reminding herself that she was twenty-seven, not seventeen, she barreled on before her mother could interrupt again. “We’re together now. As a couple.”
“Together? A couple?” Horror rang out in her mother’s voice. “Have you forgotten what he was like in college?”
“Of course not. He was my best friend.”
“Who toyed with countless girls,” her mother countered. “But even more than that, he loved stringing you along.”
“That’s not fair,” Taylor protested. “Not any of it.” Okay, so Justin had never lacked for female company. And she couldn’t keep her gut from twisting when she thought about all the years she’d watched him go out with other people, even though she’d had a boyfriend the whole time.
Love, it turned out, wasn’t always rational. Which was a large part of the reason she knew her mother didn’t mean to hurt her. It was simply that love—and remembered loss—made her mother hold on a little too tightly sometimes.
Taylor suddenly found herself thinking about what Justin had said in the garden, how his mom was always after them to speak up, even if they were scared. If only Taylor could talk to her mother about the sister she’d never known—maybe then she could find a way to reassure her that Taylor would do everything in her power to ensure she wouldn’t lose her too.
“He’s why you broke up with Bruce, isn’t he?” Caroline’s voice broke into her thoughts. “Not because you wanted to start fresh in Napa with a new house and career, but because you could never get over your crush on him!”
“I broke up with Bruce because we never should have been together in the first place.” Taylor was trying to remain calm, but it hurt to have these accusations thrown at her. Especially when there was at least a tiny thread of truth to them. Particularly the part where she’d never gotten over her college crush on Justin.
“You and Bruce were perfect together,” her mother insisted. “Just perfect!”
“No, we weren’t. We were settled and boring.” She hated to hurt her mom in any way, but Taylor refused to feel guilty, and wouldn’t apologize, for wanting breathless and sexy and exciting. Especially now, when it would be all too easy to see nothing but struggles ahead if she wasn’t so damned determined to hold on to hope and appreciate the beauty around her. “I’m in love with Justin. And he’s in love with me.”
Her mother was silent for a moment, obviously regrouping after her initial panicked responses. “Taylor, please,” she cajoled, “you have to see this isn’t what you need right now. That he isn’t what you need. More than ever, you need to have a stable life. Your new business is already enough stress on your plate—you need to be surrounded by people who love you, who have always loved you, who will take care of you no matter what. You need someone you can trust at your side, not someone who comes and goes when it suits him.”
Taylor tried to be understanding—this wasn’t just about her, it was also about the daughter her parents had lost so many years ago. Her mother would do anything to keep Taylor and her brother safe.
“You don’t have to worry about Justin hurting me,” she said in a voice that she hoped came across as gentle but also firm. “I promise you that he would never hurt me in a million years.” It was exactly the opposite, in fact—Justin had made it abundantly clear that he’d choose hurting himself over hurting her.
Just then, he walked out of the transplant center. He looked confident and handsome. Every eye turned to watch him as he covered the distance between them.
A shiver went through Taylor as she realized that he was hers now.
“I have to go now, Mom. I’ll give you a call tomorrow. And don’t worry,” she added, making sure to say the mantra she ended every call with. “Everything’s going to be okay.”
She barely had time to shove the phone back into her pocket before Justin pulled her into his arms and kissed her.
“Damn, you taste good,” he said against her lips. “I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get enough of you.”
Despite her nerves having returned with a vengeance during her mom’s call, she couldn’t help but say in a breathless voice, “I won’t ever be able to get enough of you either.”
He nuzzled her neck, making every last part of her melt against him. But though it would be easier just to focus on how much they wanted each other, there was no point in hiding from reality.
“How was your meeting?” she asked.
He didn’t lift his mouth from where he was nibbling at her earlobe. “Great.”
She wanted to beg him to take her somewhere private where they could finish what he was starting. Instead, she forced herself to say, “What kind of information did they ask for during the evaluation?”
With obvious reluctance, he drew back. “I met my independent donor advocate, and we talked through my physical, mental, and emotional well-being.”
“Did you tell your advocate that we’re together?”
“I sure as hell did. I told her I love you, that I’ve always loved you, and that I would do anything for you.”
It was one thing to hear him say those words to her and only her, but to know that he’d said them to a stranger was overwhelming. “Did you also tell her—” God, she hated to ask this, but she had to know just how forthright he’d been with the counselor who would be instrumental in helping him decide whether to actually go through with donating a kidney if they were a match. “About your mother?”
“I did.” Grief flashed in his eyes for a split second before he said, “I told her I would have done anything to save my mom and that I’ve been working like hell for the past five years to come up with a cure.”
“Did she think that maybe there was some kind of…transference going on? With me?” She fumbled for the right words, not at all convinced that she had them. “That maybe because you couldn’t save your mom then, you’ll do anything to save me now, even if it means putting yourself in danger?”
“Taylor.” He stroked her cheek with the back of his hand. “I’ll never stop missing my mom, but even if I had been able to save her, I would still want to do this for you. With you. Which is why I passed the evaluation with flying colors—and the physical they gave me too. We’ve already moved on to the informed-consent part.”
She knew what informed consent was all about, where they made sure donors fully understood the risks and benefits of being a donor, how it could affect their lives both now and in the future, and that they could delay or stop the process at any time, even on the day of surgery, if need be.
“The good news,” he continued, “is that there happens to be a donor in Yountville who said she’d be happy to tell her story and answer any questions I’ve got. Instead of just talking on the phone, I’m going to head over to her house to talk in person. It would be good if you came too.”
“I don’t know.” She really didn’t, could barely tell which way was up anymore. “Maybe it would be best if you went by yourself.”
“I know you’re still trying to wrap your head around everything,” he said in a gentle voice, “but surely meeting a past donor in person and seeing how well she’s doing—and how happy she is with her decision to donate—will go a long way to helping you let go of some of your concerns.”
Feeling even more like she was on a runaway train than she had since getting her diagnosis, she said in a slightly desperate tone, “We don’t even know if you’re going to be a match yet.” She was trying not to borrow trouble, but it was so hard…
“I’ve got this feeling in my gut.” He took her hands and laid them on his chest so that she could feel the beating of his heart. “And here too. I know we’re going to be a match. And when it turns out that I am, my advocate is confident she can fast-track everything. Instead of the process taking up to six months, she’s going to pull out all the stops to get the transplant scheduled ASAP. The only possible holdup would be the final approval from the Human Tissue Authority, which could take a couple of weeks. But as soon as we have that, we’ll be good to go.”
All her life, Taylor had been swept along by other people’s plans. By their decisions. She couldn’t let that happen again. Especially now, when it wasn’t just her health, her life, her future at stake.
“Justin, please, you need to slow down.”
“And just stand by twiddling my thumbs while you get sicker? No way.” He was as passionate as she had ever seen him. “You know as well as I do that the sooner I get all the tests done and confirm my compatibility for the transplant, the sooner you’ll be better.”
She couldn’t argue with that, but she could point out a different truth. “You didn’t come home to spend all your time and energy on lining up doctors and tests. You were supposed to have this week off from stress, from labs and hospitals, so that you could spend time with your family and enjoy your brother’s wedding. You only have a few more days before you head back to Germany. You should make the most of them with the people you love.”
He tugged her even closer then, as though he didn’t want anything at all keeping them apart. “That’s exactly what I’m doing—I’m spending my time with the person I love most of all. You. And I’m not going back to Germany. I’m due a break anyway, and like I said yesterday, I can set up a lab here.”
There was nothing she wanted more than for him to stay here with her. But she couldn’t be selfish. “It will take time to set up a new lab and to find scientists you want to work with. Your research is too important to be stalled like that.” Frustration bubbled up and over. “This is one of the biggest reasons why I didn’t tell you about my diagnosis! Because you have a life. An important one that you can’t give up for me.”
“Once you’re better, I can turn my attention back to finding a cure for breast cancer. But the fact is that my mother is gone and no amount of research will ever bring her back.” He was as fierce and as frustrated now as she was. “She’s gone, Taylor, but you’re still here. And I’m damn well going to do whatever it takes to make sure you stay that way.”
She tried to hold back her tears, but with Justin’s arms around her, she couldn’t stop the breakdown. And she knew why—she felt safe with him. Safer than she’d ever felt with anyone else. Safe enough to stop trying to hold herself together every single second and give in to a few seconds of feeling shattered and scared.
“I wish I just felt one thing, one way, instead of shifting all over the place from second to second,” she said, her words slightly muffled against his chest. “I’m happy. I’m scared. I’m hopeful. I’m guilty.” She lifted her face to look at the man who was her best friend and her lover. “I’m desperate for a donor, but I’m also desperate for that donor not to be you.” She wanted to scream in frustration. “Now that we’ve found each other again, now that we’re finally together, why can’t everything be easier? Why can’t we have just a little bit of happiness without all of this?”
* * *
Justin hated to see Taylor cry, even though he knew bottling up her tears would only make her feel worse. Thank God he was here to stroke her hair, to wipe the tears away, to hold her, and to make sure she knew that he was always going to be here for her, no matter what.
When he’d left the hospital just minutes ago, he’d been so sure, so certain that everything would be okay. He’d felt so positive. But he’d stupidly forgotten that he wasn’t the only one who needed to make decisions about their future.
Whether she realized it or not, Taylor had always been her own woman, with a strong mind and purpose and sense of right. Sure, he could dig out every trick in the book to try to persuade her to do things his way—and, honestly, at this point, he wasn’t ruling anything out. Not when her health was on the line. But deep in his heart, he knew better.
He knew the right choice for him. But Taylor needed to make her own decision about what was right for her.
“I’ve gotten your shirt all wet,” she said as she wiped away the rest of her tears with the back of her hand. Taking a deep breath, she said, “How about we grab a cup of coffee at the Student Union before we head back?”
There was so much more he wanted to say to her, a dozen additional arguments he had ready to get her to see things his way. But she’d already told him to slow down, and he needed to heed her warning, or risk pushing her away.
The thought of losing Taylor’s love gutted him, down to the marrow.
Not yet trusting himself to say anything that wouldn’t put her on the defensive, he simply held her hand as they headed over to the campus café. While they walked in silence, he remembered what the transplant coordinator had told him—that hope, fear, sorrow, and love were at the heart of nearly every organ transplant. The woman had explained how hard this decision could be for people in Taylor’s position, and how Taylor’s biggest fear was likely that he would be harmed during or even recovery.
He’d listened carefully—at least, he thought he had. But the truth was that when he’d come back outside to Taylor, he’d still been barreling through her life, and her choices, like that bull in the china shop.
As they ordered then waited for their coffees, he made a silent vow to be more understanding of where she was coming from, even if it wouldn’t change his decision about wanting to be her donor. He’d always respected Taylor’s opinions and her beliefs. He couldn’t use loving her and wanting to help her as an excuse to act differently now.
She was desperate for some simple happiness. He racked his brain to think of something fun they could do to give them a few hours of respite. No question about it, they needed something to make them laugh and take the pressure off for a little while. Thankfully, that was when his eye caught on a flyer stapled to the announcement board on the opposite wall for the St. Helena Grape Stomp Competition.
He sent a quick text to his sister, then turned to Taylor once he had Maddie’s reply. “What do you say we do a little grape stomping?”
Clearly lost in her thoughts, Taylor looked at him in confusion. “Grape stomping?”
“Yup.” He grinned at her, pointing at the flyer. “There’s a competition in your town this afternoon that’s got our names all over it.”
“It sounds fun, but I don’t want to take advantage of Maddie’s generosity.”
“She’s happy to cover for as long as we need her.” He held up his phone so Taylor could see his sister’s reply to his text asking if she could stay a few hours longer. “It’s right here, in her own words—she’s having a fabulous time and baking in your kitchen is just what she needed after a crazy week working in the city.”
Seeing the spark in Taylor’s eyes, the one that told him she wanted to go stomp some grapes even if she thought she should go back and relieve Maddie of her kitchen duties, he decided now was one of those times when it was good to be a bit of a china-smashing bull. “It won’t take long—and then once we’ve won the big prize, we’ll head straight back to your B&B.”
“My mother always did think you were a bad influence,” she said, but she was smiling as she said it. A smile full of enough relief that he knew a break from the stress of any further tests or big decisions for an afternoon was exactly the right thing.
Hopefully, everything else would become equally clear very, very soon.