Mary wouldn’t let go after meeting us outside, clinging to me, and now she won’t let me out of her sight. I haven’t showered with her since she was six and so tiny I would crouch down to wash her hair, but right now prying my hand off her smaller one is a struggle.

So we compromise. I shower quickly, wrap myself up in a huge fluffy towel, and sit outside the shower stall as she washes the mud off her.

I’m waiting for her with another towel when she steps out. I wrap it around her and draw her into my arms. There’s another flutter in my belly, and I smile. Two of my kids here, with me.

It’s an incredible feeling.

“Hey, Mary,” I whisper. “It’s going to be okay. Do you trust me?”

“Tati.” Mary holds on tight. “I don’t want you to die.”

“I won’t. I promise you that.”

“Please don’t die.” She doesn’t sound like she believes me. “We don’t need another baby. I want to keep you. You’re like… my mom. Please stay with us.”

Oh God. “Nothing will happen to me. Having a baby doesn’t mean I’ll die, Mary. Are you listening to me?”

But she looks away and says nothing, her small body shaking.

How do I convince her I’ll be okay? I mean, barring accidents and unforeseeable problems, I should be fine. I’m careful, I keep my doctor appointments, everything looks all right.

She shouldn’t be afraid on my account. Not any more than she should be on anyone else’s account, and she’s too young to be thinking of death at every turn of the way.

“Let’s go get dressed,” I tell her. “We’ll have lunch with the boys.”

“The boys?”

“Matt and Cole.”

“Dad is not a boy.”

I smile, glad to take her mind off darker thoughts. “He’s a boy. A big boy.”

“A big, big boy.” Mary snorts.

“Yep. And we’ll eat, and sit together. And talk.”

“What about?”

“Everything.”

Which, hopefully, after this talk, will be much better.

* * *

Hand in hand, we make our way out and into the bedroom. My two favorite boys are on the bed, big grins on their faces—Matt and Cole.

Sure, I love Merc, too, but he’s my little brother, that stinky little shit. Totally different thing.

Mary divebombs the bed, causing panic. Matt scrambles to catch her, Cole kicks at her, and I just snicker standing there.

My family.

Matt grapples with his two kids, hauling them on his lap and enfolding them in a bearhug, a huge grin on his face. He’s happy. Relieved he’s back and found them okay. I wonder if he’ll ever be free of that anxiety.

He deals with it better now, though. I think he’s been learning to live with it.

Turning away with a smile, I pull out a dress and panties from the closet and go back into the bathroom to get dressed. By the time I come back out, Mary has run away to her bedroom to dress as well, and we pick her up on her way downstairs.

She’s wearing a blue dress like mine. It strikes me how she’s been trying to dress like me lately, in dresses, her blond hair pulled back. My little princess.

I take her hand, Matt takes Cole’s, and we make our way down, step by step.

Mom has left us food in the fridge, like she usually does when she babysits, in case the kids get hungry and you know, the world ends and there’s nothing else to eat?

We joke about it, but truth is we’re grateful. Mom is a good cook, and between running about for college, work and the kids, sometimes finding time for housework is hard.

I heat up some of Mom’s signature lasagna, while Matt tosses together some greens for salad and Mary and Cole set the table. It’s a bit of déjà vu. For a moment I see at the table Evan and Melissa.

I hope we’ll see them again soon. That he’ll find the strength to tell his girl the truth and that Matt will find a solution, like he promised.

Matt pours the kids some cranberry juice, and we sit down to eat. Cole digs into his food happily, while Mary only nibbles at it and keeps stealing glances at me.

Even though I’m starving, and I’m inhaling my food like a vacuum cleaner, I stop and put my fork down.

Looks like this conversation can’t wait any longer. Matt meets my gaze and nods.

“Mary, sweetheart… you have to believe me,” I say, reaching for her hand over the table. “I’ll be fine. Both me and the baby will be fine. We don’t have to choose.”

“But Daddy…” She looks at him, her mouth trembling. “Tell Tati. She won’t believe me. Mom died when she had Cole. Tell her.”

Cole’s fork clatters on his plate. He looks up at us with round blue eyes.

Crap.

“Mary, come here.” Matt turns sideways and opens his arms. “You too, Cole.” He waits until they hesitantly climb off their chairs and climb on his lap. He settles them there, a kid on each muscular thigh, hugging them close. “I’m gonna tell you a tale. A true story. About your Mom and me.”

I put a hand over my mouth. I’ve never been jealous of his first wife, Emma. How can you be jealous of the dead? But heat gathers behind me eyes, and in my neck. I feel like I should get out of here, like I’m not part of this, and yet I can’t move away.

I am part of this tale.

“Once upon a time,” Matt says in his deep voice that I love so much, “I met this young woman whose name was Emma.”

“Mom,” Cole says.

“Your mom. She was so pretty. She told the silliest jokes. She had an adopted brother.”

“Uncle Zane,” Mary says.

“That’s the one. I loved her so much. I asked her to marry me, and she said yes. And then we had you two and we were so happy.”

Tears slip down my cheeks, hot. I wipe at them hastily.

“Your mom was fine after having you both. Having babies isn’t bad for you. But she got sick from something else, something that had nothing to do with you. I know losing her hurt. But that doesn’t mean anything will happen to Octavia.” He kisses Mary’s curls, then Cole’s forehead. “Trust me. You and Cole, you had nothing to do with your mom dying. Nothing at all.”

Mary glances at me, lower lip tucked between her teeth. She seems to be wavering between believing us and keeping to her own beliefs. Looks like she clung to this idea since her mom passed away. That’s many years to put behind you in one stroke.

“Mom loved us,” Cole says in that grave child-voice he has that makes my heart flip over.

“She sure did,” Matt says, his voice a little rough.

“And Tati loves us, too.”

“Oh, I do,” I whisper, and give them a watery smile.

“I think,” Cole says, “that when Mom saw she had to go, she sent Tati to be with us. Tati won’t leave us. She’s our mom now.”

That’s it. These kids will break my heart to pieces. I get up shakily and kneel down at Matt’s feet so that I can put my arms around them. “I’m not leaving you. You have no idea how much I love you. And I’ll be your mom from now on, if you want me.”

When they say yes, I cry so hard I can’t see, and all that keeps me from drowning in the floor of happiness is their arms around me, and Matt’s voice saying my name.

It took us a while to get here, but I wouldn’t have had it any other way. I may have lost Ross, may have never been able to save him, but I have this family, and I should count my blessings.

I’m so incredibly lucky.