Chapter Five

Jackson

I walk through the doors of the Silver Salmon – a bar on the outskirts of town – and as usual, everybody inside avoids meeting my gaze. Conversations hush and the people start looking distinctly uncomfortable. It's like death himself walked into the room. I'm used to it. It's the typical reaction I get whenever I walk into a room. They don't think I know, but among the Clan rank and file, I'm actually called the Reaper. Which means, I don't get a lot of invites to weekend barbecues or bowling nights.

Most every clan has their own place to get a drink and hang out, and the Silver Salmon is the bar of choice of the Umpa'qa Clan. Although, you will, from time to time, see members of various other clans in and out of the place – though, usually only the other Clans closely allied with the Umpa'qa.

If nothing else, just looking at who is hanging out with whom, it gives me an interesting look at how Clan politics plays and how quickly allegiances can shift.

Personally, I don't care about Clan politics. The shit bores and irritates me. I'm not a very social guy, to be honest. Most of the time, I prefer relaxing in my cabin and reading a good book. I don't feel like I fit in with my Clan anymore. I don't feel like I have anything in common with them. Not since Anyga's father – Adyn, my former Clan Chief – took the Walk, leaving her in charge.

Don't get me wrong, I like Anyga well enough. She's a good woman with a good heart who does her best for the Clan and all of us in it. But I sort of feel like when her father Walked, a lot of us should have too. Not that I'm old enough to Walk – not by any stretch of the imagination. But I almost feel like with Anyga ascended to the throne, the Umpa'qa underwent a generational shift.

Suddenly, the Clan seemed to get younger and a lot of the rest of us who came up under Adyn don't quite fit in anymore. Some have been released from their Clan vows, choosing to be Rogues instead. I feel like a square peg and the Clan is a round hole. And that feeling is not only persisting, it's getting stronger day by day.

But because of my position, because I'm Anyga's Moq'apo, I feel like I have a sense of responsibility for and to her. I feel like even though I pledged my loyalty to Adyn, that loyalty transfers to his daughter. My sense of duty to my Clan keeps me from renouncing my vows and going Rogue. Anyga needs me as her Moq'apo to help keep order in the Clan – and to keep anybody from challenging her. At least until her throne is firmly established and fully secure or I can find a replacement who is as loyal and capable of the job as I am – whichever comes first.

When either of those things happen, I may need to sit down and re-evaluate how I'm going to spend what's left of my life.

I take a seat at the bar and Josie, the bartender, walks over. She's a good-looking girl in her mid-twenties. Long dirty blonde hair, bright green eyes – she's cute. Has that girl next door look. She's actually not just the bartender – her dad owns the place. But a car accident rendered him disabled, so Josie had to either quit college to take up the bar or let it fold. And knowing what it means to her dad, she opted for the latter.

She plays it off like it's no big deal, like she's happy to do her duty for her family, but every now and then, I see a hint of the sadness behind her eyes she's so careful to keep concealed. It makes me relate to her, as well as sad for her, actually. Like she's just another person unable to break free of the gravitational pull in Black Salmon Falls, doomed to spend their entire life there without ever experiencing life to its fullest.

“Well howdy, stranger,” Josie chirps at me, giving me a wide smile. “It's been a while.”

I nod and return her smile. “That it has.”

“Slummin' tonight or somethin'?” she asks.

I laugh. “Felt like I needed a little social interaction.”

She shakes her head. “For you to get some social interaction, you'd need to actually, y'know, interact with somebody socially, darlin'.”

My grin is rueful. “Well how about, I just felt the need to have a beer and see your pretty face.”

“Be still my beatin' heart,” she says, a smile on her face. “Now, if only that were true.”

I shrug. “You never know.”

She gives me a long look and I see something in her eyes that makes the heat rush to my face. I look away and the awkward moment passes. Thankfully. Josie is beautiful, smart, and sweet. And I know she's got a crush on me – but she deserves better than me. A lot better.

“What can I get you, hon?” she asks.

I clear my throat. “Just a beer, please. Thanks.”

“You got it, doll.”

Josie gives me a smile, though I can't help but notice it's tinged with some sadness. She pours me a beer and hustles down to the other end of the bar, busying herself with washing some glasses and re-stocking the cooler.

“That girl is in love with you.”

I turn to see Luca sliding onto the barstool next to me. He gives me a smile and offers me his hand. I shake it and clap him on the back.

“Good to see you, man,” I say.

“Good to see you too, Jackson,” he says. “Haven't seen you actually out in public in, seems like, forever. You're becoming a homebound hermit in your old age.”

“Old age,” I say and laugh. “Screw you.”

Luca and I have been friends for a long time – our two clans have been close allies for time out of mind. He's a good man and I've always valued his friendship. And counsel from time to time when I've needed it. He's the heir to his Clan's throne, but he's always been down to earth and relaxed about things. He never lords his position over anybody – usually seeming like he doesn't care if he ever becomes Clan Chief or not. And knowing him like I do, I'm pretty sure he doesn't.

He's happy just being himself and doing his own thing. Especially now that he has Olivia in his life. She's the best thing that could have ever happened to him. He seems more settled and at peace with himself and his life now. And honestly speaking, I can't help but be a little bit envious.

Josie comes down and puts a fresh beer in front of Luca, giving him a warm smile.

“Well, it must be my birthday or somethin',” she says, a wide smile on her face. “My two favorite guys in the same place at the same time. What are the odds?”

“Astronomical,” Luca says. “It's almost impossible to pry this one out of his house anymore.”

“Don't I know it?” she says, giving me an inscrutable look.

Somebody calls her down to the other end of the bar. She gives us both a smile and heads off to see to her customers, leaving Luca to stare at me, a mischievous glint in his eye.

“Why in the hell are you not dating her?” Luca asks. “She's in love with you, brother.”

“She's a good girl. Deserves better than I can ever give her,” I say softly.

“You don't really believe that crap, do you?”

I clear my throat and look up at the television screen. It's showing highlights from the day's college football games, which I pretend to be interested in. The last thing I want to be doing is talking about my love life. Or more specifically, the lack thereof, actually.

Sure, I get lonely sometimes. And it'd be nice to have some companionship. But I haven't been really lucky in the romance department, so I stopped looking. Most days, it seems more trouble than it's worth. My experience with romance has been – difficult. At best.

And somebody like Josie, as attractive as she is – I just can't inflict myself on her. She's better than me. I know I'm a miserable, cranky son of a bitch. Hell, the people in my own Clan avoid me like the plague. I know that if I were to start something with Josie, she'd come to regret it – sooner, rather than later.

“You're a good man, Jackson,” he says. “You've got a lot to offer somebody. You should really –”

“How is Olivia doing?” I ask cutting him off before he gets rolling again.

He looks at me for a moment and then nods, getting the message.

“She's doing well, thanks,” he says. “Still trying to settle into domestic life. She's restless at times and I don't know how to help her.”

“To be expected,” I reply. “She's used to being out there in the thick of the action.”

“That she is.”

“She thinking about getting back into her investigative journalism deal?” I ask.

He shrugs. “I don't know,” he replies. “I support it. But she says that she's done with it. Says her focus right now is on making sure Emily recovers fully. Every now and then though, I can see that restlessness. I can see that she wants to be doing something.”

“You two gonna tie the knot?” I ask.

He shrugs again. “I'd like to, at some point,” he says. “But it's on hold for now. We need to focus on Emily and making sure she's back at a hundred percent.”

“And how is her sister doing?”

The ghost of a smile touches his lips. “Depends on the day,” he says. “Physically, she seems to be fully recovered. Emotionally though – it's tough. She's been working with a therapist and has actually starting to talk a lot more. Starting to open up. She even cracked a smile the other day. That was a first. She clings to Liv like she's a life preserver – which is understandable, given what she went through.”

“It's good that she has you two taking care of her. I'm sure it's helping her in a million different ways. Most of which, you probably can't even see.”

Luca nods. “Some days are better than others, but I think overall, she's improving,” he says. “It's just going to take some time and patience.”

Luca doesn't talk much about it, but a couple of months back, Olivia's sister came to live with them. Right around the same time he met Olivia, actually. All he'd say about it is that Emily had suffered some horrific abuse and is trying to recover from her ordeal.

I've always wanted to ask what happened to her, but I don't want to pry. It's a family matter and although we're good friends, I respect his boundaries. If he wants me to know, he'll tell me.

“You're a good man, Luca,” I say. “Not everybody would be as patient and compassionate as you.”

“She's a remarkable kid. Really amazing. In the conversations I've had with her, she's just amazed me with how her mind works,” he says. “She's strong. I don't doubt that she's going to come through it all just fine. In time.”

“I have no doubts about that. Especially with you and Olivia looking after her,” I say. “I hope that I get to meet her at some point. If she's anything like Olivia, she's going to be a pistol.”

“I have a feeling they're two peas in a pod. Every now and then, I can see her sense of humor and her wit is just as sharp as her sister's,” he replies. “I'm going to have my hands full, no question. But it's worth it. Olivia is worth it. She's my world and I'd do anything for her.”

“It has to be nice to have that sort of love and companionship,” I say. “To have that level of comfort and intimacy with another person.”

“I ain't going to lie, it really is,” he says. “And if you weren't so dead set on withdrawing from the world and pushing people away, maybe you'd be able to have that too.”

He gives me a pointed look and then I watch as his eyes shift over to Josie – the meaning is more than clear. A message I choose to ignore. There are a million reasons Josie and I aren't right for each other. The single biggest among them being that when I look at her, I just don't feel that spark. I don't feel that connection with her that deep down, I want with somebody. She's great and I enjoy her company, but I know I could never be happy with her in the long-term. And I know she wouldn't be happy with me.

Luca and I sit in a companionable silence for a few minutes, each of us ostensibly watching the highlights of the games. But I'm lost in my own briar patch of thoughts and I can tell that he is as well. I have a hard time opening up to people. Talking about and sharing my thoughts and feelings has never been a strong suit of mine.

But I know that Luca is somebody I can talk to. Always has been. It's one of the things that makes him such a good friend. Somebody I trust and value. And God knows, there aren't many of those in my world. If I'm going to open up to anybody, it would be Luca.

Taking a long swig of my beer and then clearing my throat, I steel my nerves and force myself to dip my toes into those waters.

“I've been thinking a lot lately,” I say slowly.

“Good for you. I'm glad to see you finally doing that,” he smirks. “It's never too late to start.”

I give him the finger and laugh. “Always with the jokes.”

“What's going through your head these days, Jackson?”

I take a long swallow of my beer and set the bottle back down gently, trying to organize my thoughts. I know the thoughts I've been having are unimaginable to most of my kind. And that it would make me an outcast. A loathsome creature to most.

Which, strangely enough, I'd be okay with. At least I'd be free.

“I just don't feel like I fit in anymore, honestly,” I say. “I feel like the world has changed and I just haven't – or can't – adapt to it.”

He nods as if he understands. And maybe he does. Luca is young, but he's wiser than a lot of men twice his age. Which makes me understand why Asher, Chief of the Q'lapa Clan, leans on him so much. In Asher's place, I know I would.

“In your position, having the Chief you were bonded to take the Walk – it's understandable,” he says. “Your bond was with Adyn, not Anyga. That bond still exists, but you're not sure where it goes anymore. I imagine you feel like you had a limb cut off.”

I nod. “Yeah, something like that,” I say. “I just feel kind of lost. Adrift. And the bitch of it is, I know I'm still too young to Walk.”

“Way too young, man,” he says. “And this is exactly why most of the clans stopped bonding a Moq'apo. If I had my way, Asher would ban the practice altogether.”

“Why doesn’t he?”

Luca sighs. “He wants the Clans to be able to be their own unique individuals,” he says. “Wants them to form and keep their own identities.”

I not. “I understand it, but what am I supposed to do with that?”

Luca sighs. “Honestly, I don't know, man,” he says.

I take a pull of my beer and nod. No, I don't suppose he would know. How could he? It's not like there's a manual for this. I'm still debating with myself though, whether or not I should tell him what I'm really thinking. What I'm really considering.

I know he'll try to talk me out of it. And deep down, I have to wonder if that's what I really want. Or if maybe, I'm just looking for his wisdom and perspective. Luca is somebody I trust, so I lay all my cards out on the table.

“There's part of me thinking I should renounce and go Rogue,” I say.

Luca takes a sip of his beer and nods. “That's one possibility,” he says. “But you know what that would mean.”

It would mean that I was no longer welcome in Clan lands. I'd be free, but I'd walk the world alone. Clans wouldn't have me and all former associates – even those closest to me – would be forbidden from having anything to do with me. Even Luca. Yeah, I know what it means. And it's not a decision I'm going to make lightly.

I shrug. “It's not like my Clan has anything to do with me anyway.”

“Because you keep them at an arm's distance.”

“I have to,” I say. “It's hard to be close to people I may have to punish – or kill – if Anyga orders it.”

Luca drains his beer. “It's quite a predicament, you're in,” he says. “And it sucks for you. It's not a fair position to be in.”

I sigh. “It is what it is.”

“Yeah well, there are some of us who'd miss you if you went Rogue,” he says, giving me a meaningful look.

“I don't know what else to do, man,” I say. “I hate waking up everyday feeling this way.”

Luca's phone chirps and he pulls it out of his pocket and looks at it. I can tell by the expression on his face that his time is up. But, that's okay. I don't think this is something he can help me with anyway. It's nice just to get it off my chest and out there, finally.

Luca nodded. “Listen, I need to go. But, don't do anything yet, Jackson,” he says. “Just – don't do anything right now. Don't decide anything. I want to talk more about this with you because it's a huge decision. And once you ring that bell, you can't unring it again. So, please – just wait until we talk about it before you say or do anything.”

I give him a smile. “No worries,” I say. “I don't even really know what I'm going to do anyway. I'm just talking right now.”

He looks at me a long moment. “Give me your word,” he says, holding my gaze. “Your word that you'll wait to talk to me before you do anything.”

“I give you my word.”

Luca gives me an uncertain nod, but he knows I take my word very seriously. Knows that if I give it, he can count on it.

“Okay, then,” he says. “To be continued.”

“To be continued.”

He leaves the bar and I finish up my beer. I give brief thought to ordering another, but decide against it. I'd rather just go home and read a book. Josie is tied up with some of her customers, so I drop some cash on the bar and head out – keenly aware of the frosty, hostile glances surreptitiously shot in my direction.

Yeah, my position in the Clan has all the perks.