To give them a bath or not give them a bath?

I’d been asking myself that question for the last hour, as I watched the arms of the clock tick closer and closer to when Kevin was supposed to show up. On one hand, they always smelled so good, so sweet, after bath time. There was something addictive about the softness of their skin, the way their hair was softer. Would Kevin appreciate that? Would he even notice?

And on the other hand, I wasn’t trying to romanticize what life was like for me. What it had been like since day one. In those first few weeks, Julia and my mom had spent many nights in the guest room, helping me take middle of the night shifts. Changing diapers and making bottles out of frozen bags of breast milk when I was too delirious with sleep deprivation to know my own name.

They’d been there for me. Even my mother, who had the maternal instincts of a black widow spider, was there a hundred times more than Kevin ever had been.

The bitterness welled up inside me, thick and insidious. It was so easy to focus on that feeling, to taste the way it rolled around on my tongue and dream of spitting it back out in Kevin’s direction. But that was a trap I was determined not to fall into. Bitterness wouldn’t help. Wouldn’t make my day to day life easier, and it wouldn’t magically create a father figure for Piper and Jacob.

Jacob was mouthing the plush hammer from the tool set that Michael had given him. I rubbed at a spot on my chest that ached when I thought about him. The look on his face when he watched the kids open his presents.

Right then, I couldn’t afford to think about Michael. All of my attention needed to be on the man who was about to walk through the door, and the children that I was responsible for.

I went to pick up my phone and check the time for the thousandth time, but shook my head and set it down before I saw the screen. For good measure, I turned it face down onto the coffee table and pulled Jacob onto my lap.

He babbled happily, drool collecting on his dimpled chin, and I buried my face into his neck, taking a deep inhale to try and calm myself.

Yup. That was me now. Under stress, I’d become a baby sniffer. Did other moms do the same thing? Even if they didn’t, I knew one thing for sure, they sure as hell wouldn’t judge me for it.

Jacob giggled when I did it again, and I smiled. Piper crawled over to check out what was so funny, and I found myself swarmed with baby. My heart did the same strange flip it always did when I had a small, perfect pocket of happiness. Among the unexpected direction my life took, I found those pockets everywhere. My parents were nominal Catholics at best, but I couldn’t help but feel like God gave them to me to remind me that there was so many things that I couldn’t plan for, but they’d end up being the most beautiful parts of my life.

I wrapped my arms about Piper, tickling the backs of her thighs, when there was a tentative knock on the door. This time my stomach flipped in the bad way. In the I’m going to vomit everywhere way. The twins moved back onto the floor when I stood up, moving on to other toys while I walked to the door, breathing deeply the entire way.

Don’t throw up.

Don’t punch him in the dick.

Don’t curse him out as soon as he walks into the door.

And really … don’t throw up.

Again, my hand shook a little bit when I reached out to open the door, and I hated it. I hated that it made me feel weak. That Kevin’s mere presence was such a massive shift in my life that I couldn’t control my physical reaction. My hands weren’t my own, they were extensions of my nerves, and I wanted that shit to stop.

So I shook my fingers out and opened the damn door, pasting a polite smile on my face as soon as Kevin came into view.

He was dressed casually, and in his hands were flowers.

Again … I had to remind myself.

Don’t throw up.

Don’t punch him in the dick.

Because why the ever loving hell did he think I’d want flowers from him? Plus, they were lilies. Blech. Funeral flowers. But he stuck them out at me like he expected a fricken round of applause, so I accepted them with a grimace.

“Thanks.” I stood back. “Come on in. I’ll … umm, I’ll go get some water for these.” If getting water meant throw them in the trash, then I was totally telling the truth. But as Kevin stepped in and fixed his eyes on the twins, I decided that trashing flowers would wait. He stared at them, apprehension clear on his features. Jacob was squawking at a toy, and Piper pulled herself up against the couch and started toward the new person in the room.

Since she couldn’t quite walk unaided yet, she tumbled forward a bit and crawled to Kevin, using the edge of his pants to pull herself up.

My breath was shallow and jagged, hurting as it came up my lungs as I waited to see what he would do. Kevin stared at her, tentatively reaching out to touch her silky dark brown hair.

“She looks like you,” he said quietly.

I laughed, mainly so I wouldn’t break down crying. “Yeah, she does. Acts like me too. She’s a total psycho. I can’t leave her alone for a minute.”

His mouth edged up in a smile that didn’t fully form and then his eyes darted over to Jacob. “What’s he like?”

Find out for yourself! I wanted to scream, but I swallowed it down. “Sweet, curious, content.”

“Huh. Is it normal they’re not walking yet?”

My eyes closed and I fought to not snap. He didn’t know, there was no way he could know. Kevin was a single child, his experience with children filled up less page space than the amount of math awards I’d won in my life … which was none. So, there you go.

“Yeah,” I said evenly. “It’s normal.”

“Cool.”

“Yeah. Cool. Do you want to sit down? Maybe play with them for a little?”

Kevin glanced over at me, like I was going to disappear if he did. “You’re coming too, right?”

Oh, Lord have mercy, it was hard to bite my tongue and not snap, well I’m sure as hell not leaving them with you just yet.

“Yeah. I’m just going to set these flowers in the kitchen.”

Moving slowly, like he was afraid he’d step on Piper, Kevin moved to the couch and sat on the edge. Barely crushing the stems when I picked up the flowers, I took them into the kitchen and tossed them into the sink, not even caring how loud it was, how the generic green paper crumpled against the surface when they fell. He wasn’t paying attention though, because when I peeked around the corner, he was sitting on the couch, staring down at our kids with a decidedly uncomfortable expression on his face.

And I was decidedly pissed off. Irrationally pissed off.

It didn’t matter, in that moment that he didn’t have much experience with kids. These were his kids. His son and daughter. Shouldn’t it be instinctual? As much as I’d tried to block out the parts of the twins that were completely Kevin, he was half contributor to everything that made them them.

As much as I could, I shoved back all the expectations that I was placing on Kevin. It wasn’t his fault that he’d never really been around kids. Not everyone was a natural, and maybe he was someone that needed some time to warm up to the way babies babbled and drooled, the way they shoved everything in their mouth, even if it would probably kill them.

So I pasted a polite smile on my face, and settled onto the floor by Piper, determined to show him what to do, if that’s what he needed.

“They really like blocks,” I told him. “And those little stacking rings next to you on the couch.”

Kevin relaxed when he picked up the brightly colored toy and held it out to Jacob. Jacob took it, mouthing it immediately, making unintelligible noises of pure happiness around a mouthful of plastic. Piper crawled into my lap, which was uncharacteristic of her. But she watched Kevin, chewing on my finger while she did. The two nubby little teeth that she had coming in along the bottom pressed against the sensitive flesh of my finger, so I gently pulled my hand out of her grip.

“No cannibals, Piper,” I said after pressing a kiss to her head. Kevin was watching me curiously, then glanced back at Jacob. The silence stretched long enough that I shifted on the floor. He didn’t say anything, and neither did I. For a few minutes, at least. Then it stretched so thin that I could practically feel the moment it snapped.

I cleared my throat and he looked up at me, his gray eyes stark with misery.

“Why now?” I asked when I couldn’t take the silence anymore.

Kevin exhaled heavily. “I saw one of the pictures you posted on Instagram. It was the first time I’d looked up your social media since I left. I couldn’t believe how big they were. How much he looked like me,” he said, staring down at Jacob again. “Then I started going back, looking at all the pictures you posted. It felt … important, I guess. To meet them before they turned one.”

I snorted. It was unavoidable. “Yeah, I can see why you’d feel that way. Most kids like to say that they’ve met their dad before then.”

“Come on, Brooke. I’m trying here.” His words were sharp and unforgiving, which made my blood boil dangerously. He must have seen my rising temper in my face, because he closed his eyes briefly. “Look, it hasn’t been easy for me either. I thought about you all the time. I’ve missed you.”

I’ve missed you. Nothing about his children. The most beautiful babies in the entire world, my entire world. When I didn’t speak— because I couldn’t— he misread my silence as tacit agreement to keep going.

“We were together for a long time, Brooke.” His eyes weren’t full of misery anymore. They were bright with hope, with memories that he probably viewed very differently than me. “We had some really great times. Remember when we snuck into that concert?”

I shook my head, unable to hear any more. “Kevin, stop.”

“You remember that, right?”

“Kevin,” I said more firmly. “Stop. Whatever you think this will accomplish, you’re wrong. I didn’t invite you back over here so we could reminisce. You’re here because you wanted to meet them. Our romantic relationship was over the minute you walked out the door. We will never rekindle that.” I held his eyes, so he could see how serious I was. How impossible it was that I’d ever look at him that way again. After a minute, he sighed and looked away.

“Okay. Sorry.”

I rubbed at my forehead. “Don’t be sorry, just don’t do it again.”

“Okay,” he said again, sounding more contrite this time. When Jacob smacked Kevin’s knee with one of the plastic rings, he actually smiled a little and pretended to pull it away from Jacob, who giggled. The sound was so happy that the tight band around my chest loosened a little bit.

When I imagined what might have happened when Kevin showed up, the heavy, tangible awkwardness wasn’t anywhere. I wanted to ask him what he was doing for work, but child support was so far away from what I expected at that point from Kevin. He’d never found a job he loved, always trying something new in hopes that it would be the thing. The big thing that would turn his life around.

It should have been a giant, life-sized red flag that I’d never trusted Kevin enough to tell him about the money held in trust that Julia and I had from our parents. Not because I thought he’d steal it or anything, but the less work he had to do, the better, in his mind. Expecting him to hand me a check was far-fetched enough. If he knew that I had an account sitting somewhere with my name on it, he’d really never give me anything.

The thought of having that fight with him, of being unable to imagine how it would play out, to emotionally prepare for what the fallout might be, it was enough to start a dull throb at the base of my neck. Kevin had always been a presence in my life that I couldn’t predict, couldn’t control … even if I’d wanted to try. The fact that he’d walked out on me without a backwards glance was just proof positive of that.

Already, we’d only been sitting there for … what? Fifteen minutes? And it was impossible for me to predict what he might do. What he might say next. I hated it. That kind of unknown was my least favorite feeling in the world. I grabbed my phone to see what time it was, see how much longer I’d have to endure it. When I flipped my phone over, I saw a text from Michael that made my chest squeeze tightly, for an entirely different reason than what Kevin was doing to me.

I rubbed at my chest, unable to stop the maelstrom of what that simply worded text did to me. It was exactly what I needed to hear from him. Maybe Michael didn’t know what we were any more than I did. Maybe he hated that. Maybe he didn’t. But he cared enough about me to tell me that he felt like an idiot for the things he was feeling. And he’d respected me enough to stay away tonight, even though he probably hated it.

Why did that affect me so much? Julia wanted to kick Kevin’s ass too. But she was my sister. She and I had a lifetime of memories, of being each other’s best friend and confidant, of sticking up for each other. Michael was so new in my life, such a welcome surprise with how important he’d become. So I didn’t let myself think as I typed out my response.

Then I set my phone back down, so I wouldn’t stare at the message thread and will him to respond. It was possible I’d get lucky and Michael wouldn’t see it until much later, when I was already in bed.

“Kevin, I need to start getting them ready for bed. They had a big day today with the party and everything.”

He nodded. “Right. Sure.”

So he wasn’t exactly fighting for more time. I could choose to let that not annoy me. I could choose to give him time to warm up to the whole fatherhood thing. All of that, every reaction I had was in my control.

When I stood, I picked up Piper and set her on my hip, and we faced Kevin straight on. She clung to my neck like a little monkey, but her weight against my chest was comforting. “You need to tell me what you expect to happen next, Kevin. If this was a one-time deal so you could satisfy your curiosity, then I need to know now. Don’t bullshit me about your plans, and don’t make grand promises that you have no intention of keeping.”

He rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly, giving me a rueful smile that he probably thought was attractive.

It wasn’t.

“You never did have a problem just laying it out there, did you?”

I raised an eyebrow in response.

Kevin held up his hands. “Okay, sorry. Can I just … can I see them again? I’m new at this. You’ve had a year to get used to the parent thing. And I know it’s my fault that I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, but can we just take this one day at a time?”

I’d asked him to not make grand promises, so the honesty of his answer was something I couldn’t fault. Even though it rankled, I nodded slowly. “Yeah, we can do that.”

“Thank you,” he said gratefully. He leaned down and patted Jacob on the head, and I rolled my eyes since he couldn’t see me. Patted him on the head. Like a dog. Piper was still clinging to me, so he just smiled at her. We walked to the door, and the cold air that blew in when Kevin opened it was icy against my skin. I couldn’t help but wonder if it was an omen of his visit.

Winter was coming, all right. I just didn’t have a Jon Snow by my side or a giant-ass wolf to eat the people that pissed me off. Before he walked out, I said his name.

“We can go one day a time. For now. But Kevin, I will not tolerate you flaking out on them, or on me. You walked out, and it will take me a long time to trust you.”

He nodded. There was no hope in his eyes anymore, no sadness. He was just kind of … blank. Maybe that’s because he knew me well enough to know that I didn’t make those statements lightly. The door shut behind him with little fanfare. No dramatic slamming or strongly worded declaration about how he’d prove himself worthy of my trust. Of our trust.

I couldn’t tell if that made it better or worse.

Either way, Kevin was gone. For now. And I had kids who needed to get to bed. Like they sensed my fragile emotional state, they were perfect angels while I changed them into their pajamas, giving me sweet hugs and cuddles when I kissed their cheeks, sitting quietly while I read them their books and gazing up at me when I whispered my goodnights.

As I was turning off the light and leaving their room, I heard a key click into the front door. My skin hummed, goose bumps popping along my arms as I walked down the hallway. It wasn’t Julia. I knew that by the way the air tingled around me, the way awareness deepened my breathing.

When I turned the corner, Michael was setting a large bottle of wine on the coffee table in front of the couch, his broad back to me. Hearing me come into the room, he straightened and turned, his face tight with raw emotion.

I didn’t speak. Didn’t greet him. He didn’t speak either, just yanked the tails of his shirt from his pants.

I pulled my shirt off and tossed it on the floor just before I reached him. His large hands were already plucking at the small buttons of his shirt, and I knocked them away so I could push him back on the couch. Instantly I was on top of him, straddling his lap and sucking his tongue into my mouth while I writhed over him. The sound that came out of him was ragged and deep, so erotically charged that my skin tightened over the entire surface of my body.

His hands reached up into my hair and gripped tightly, tilting my head to the side so he could deepen the kiss, deepen it to the point that I moaned helplessly at the way his tongue searched my mouth, the way he pushed up against the movements of my hips.

This was the most clearly undefinable part of my life. The thing that made me feel wild and free, the thing that made my blood race and my heart thrash in my chest. Ripping Michael’s shirt off his shoulders, slicking my hands down his muscled chest and stomach, I felt like a queen. I was so wanted by him. So understood by him that I didn’t need to say a word about what I needed from him, what I needed to give him in that same breath.

His hands were deft behind my back, unhooking my bra so that he could tear it off, kiss and lick his way down my chest.

“Yes,” I hissed when he bit down lightly on my tender skin.

Michael lifted his head and held my eyes. It was the only word either one of us had spoken since I set eyes on him in my house. With a tenderness I hadn’t expected given our frantic fingers and sucking kisses, he lifted a hand to cup the side of my face. I leaned into it with my eyes closed, felt the way his thumb traced the edge of my mouth.

My lips opened and I kissed his finger, lightly touched my tongue against it before I sucked it into my mouth. The hand that was still tangled in my hair tightened even further, and I whimpered. In that moment, I could have wept in relief if Michael told me we’d be able to do just this every single night for the rest of our lives. I wanted to beg that promise out of him, to let us get lost in each other in exactly this way after trading so few words.

Because he knew me. He knew that this was exactly what we needed of each other tonight. And I knew him. I knew what was in his heart, what kind of man he was.

I released his finger from my mouth and kissed him again, pouring all the emotions coursing through me against his lips. We were wrapped so tightly together that when he stood off the couch, I wrapped my legs around his waist with ease. Without a single moment of hesitation, he carried me to bed and fell over me.

The rest of our clothes came off in the space of a few heartbeats, and before I could try to count them, savor them, relish the possessive touches and grasping hands against my skin, he was inside me, moving over me. I clutched at his back, and he buried his face in my neck. Not a single other word crossed our lips, only heavy breaths and groans.

Seconds, minutes, hours, days. I couldn’t have told you how long we stayed like that, moving against each other with passion and raw emotion.

When Michael slumped against me, me still trembling around him, his sweat-sticky chest pressed over mine, I wrapped my arms around his neck and refused to let him move. He chuckled, the sound raising goosebumps down my arms, tingles down my spine.

Finally he rolled off and smiled at me. I smiled back.

“Hi,” he said.

“Can you stay tonight?” I heard myself asking. It wasn’t what I intended to say, and I held my breath after the words were out.

Michael searched my eyes and swept a piece of hair off my face before he nodded. “Yeah. I can stay.”

My last thought as I drifted off to sleep a while later with his arms around me was that I wished he would never leave. But that wasn’t what we were. And with how safe I felt with him wrapped around me, how deliciously spent I was, I could accept that he might not be forever, but he was there with me now.