Chapter 4
The car ride home was spent in silence.
Tension was so thick you could cut through it with a knife. As soon as I got into Alex’s posh BMW, I sunk into the leather seats and sighed.
It was a nice car, and I was going to enjoy riding in it for as long as possible. It even smelled expensive. Like leather seats and expensive cologne.
Alex got into the car and asked me for my address without ever looking at my face. I bit my lip as I gave him the address and pressed my head against the door and stared out the window.
I knew why I was quiet, but why was Alex quiet?
Did he regret what happened back there?
Did I?
I wanted to say that his touch didn’t affect me, but it did. And it made no sense especially considering what I’d been through earlier in the night. I would’ve thought it would traumatize me for a while, turn me off till I was able to get over it.
Yet, that didn’t seem to be the case.
I wasn’t sure if this was something I should be worried about considering this wasn’t a normal reaction. Though, if I was being honest I had to speculate over whether it wasn’t normal because society said so, or because I genuinely believed that.
Regardless, that didn’t change the facts.
Here I was sitting next to a guy who exuded sex appeal, and all I wanted was for him to touch me again. Not just my face, but everywhere else too.
If I were being totally honest, I wanted to be writhing beneath him, or riding him till we were both spent. My entire body grew warm, and I felt a flush steal across my face, and I coughed in shock at where my train of thought was going.
What was in those pain meds?
I leaned forward and let my hair fall over my face, creating a curtain between Alex and I as I fiddled with the knob. I switched from one radio station to the next till I was finally able to settle on one that I liked.
They were playing ‘Something Just Like This’ by the Chainsmokers ft Coldplay.
“Sandy, about what happened---” Alex began, his voice contrite.
“I love this song,” I said, loudly as I turned up the volume and pretended not to hear him. I bobbed my head and sang along.
I knew I was being childish right now, and that I was acting immature. Like a kid throwing a temper tantrum because she couldn’t get her way, but I didn’t want to talk about it.
Mostly because I was afraid that he would take it back, and I wanted to hold onto that memory. Just this tiny morsel of a moment where I felt wanted.
It was a powerful feeling.
But also, because I wasn’t sure how I’d react if he didn’t take it back. I’d already promised myself that I wouldn’t get involved with him. Between my job, and my night classes, I didn’t have time to date.
Or even if this was just a hookup thing, I didn’t have time for that either.
Not that I did the hookup thing. It was just once, and I quickly ended it once I realized it wasn’t for me.
The corners of Alex’s mouth turned down as he reached across and cut the volume. “Sandra, we need to talk about what happened.”
“Why do you call me, Sandra?” I asked, suddenly as I clasped my hands in front of me.
“What do you mean?” Alex sounded confused.
“I mean, nobody else calls me Sandra. At least, nobody I know. So, why use my full name? Everyone else calls me Sandy.”
“I like your name.” Alex shrugged as if that was obvious. He flipped on the turning signal and took a right across a quiet dimly light road.
“Hmmm,” I harrumphed as I began to play with a loose piece of thread on the edge of my sweater.
Being in close proximity to him wasn’t helping my thought process at all. I needed to get away from him and clear my head because being near him was like being on morphine.
I badly needed another fix, and I wasn’t even home yet.
He was a potent mix that I wasn’t sure I’d survive.
“I’m sorry if I came on too strong especially after what you’ve been through tonight. That was insensitive of me,” he said, apologetically as he kept one hand on the steering wheel, and the other raked itself through his hair. His hair stood out in tufts across his head, and my fingers twitched.
Before I knew what I was doing, I reached across my seat and ran my fingers through his hair, smoothing down the edges. My eyes caught his, and we remained locked like that for a few seconds that stretched into eternity.
I cleared my throat as I slid back into my seat with my heart pounding in my throat. My hands were suddenly sweaty, and I felt slightly clammy.
“I didn’t stop you,” I pointed out.
“Yes, but you’re vulnerable, and I shouldn’t take advantage of that,” he countered, swiftly as if he knew I would say that. “No matter what either of us felt in that moment, it still wasn’t right.”
“I think it was adrenaline,” I argued, stubbornly. “We were both riding that high.”
A jaw ticked in Alex’s muscle. “I think it was more than that, but you just don’t want to admit it.”
I laughed humorlessly. “Why would I not want to admit it?”
Alex’s shoulder rose then fell. “I have no idea, Sandra. Why don’t you tell me?”
“Are you trying to psychoanalyze me right now? Because that’s hardly fair while I’m on pain meds.”
Alex bit back a laugh. “No, hardly although that is a compelling reason. I’m the last person who should be analyzing you though.”
“Why? Because you’re screwed up?”
“Everybody’s screwed up. Some of us are just better at hiding it than others,” Alex responded, swiftly, his tone rising with each infliction.
It made me wonder what he was hiding.
Some dark and sinister past perhaps?
Or maybe he was just trying to be dark because people didn’t want to be cheerful anymore? It was like if anyone was genuinely happy they were considered a pariah.
With so much bad going on in the world, people considered it their obligation and duty to be miserable, and to try to make others miserable.
God forbid we should actually be thankful for what we have.
That to me was a better way to honor those who suffered. Not by refusing to acknowledge what we have, but by appreciating what we do, and fighting for those who don’t.
It didn’t make us better people to scoff at the opportunities life provides us with. If anything, I thought it made us bitter.
But that was an argument for another day.
“That’s not an answer,” I argued.
“That’s not a question,” he retorted, slight annoyance creeping into his tone.
Aha, so I was getting under skin just like he was getting under mine.
It was good to know that this was mutual.
“Then why are you the last person who should be analyzing me?” I pressed, curious as to what his answer might be.
“We barely know each other, Sandra.” He gestured between us as if that was obvious.
Oh.
Well, as far as reasons go, it wasn’t exciting or anything.
There was no seedy underbelly.
Just a deep question with a simpler answer.
I had no idea why I was so disappointed though.
I didn’t want him to lie, I wanted the truth after all.
This just wasn’t the truth that I wanted.
“Why did you do that then?” I asked, quietly as I stared down at my hands. I had them laid out in front of me as if I was afraid of what was going to happen if I dragged my gaze away.
Which was probably smart.
Right now, I didn’t trust myself to not make a move.
Not only would that be mortifying given our conversation, but it would also be terrible timing.
“Honestly? I have no idea.” Alex let out a breath he’d been holding as he swerved to make a right turn. He pulled up on my street, and I was surprised to find myself reluctant to get out of the car.
I unclicked the seatbelt and hesitated for a second as I tried to gather my thoughts. “You shouldn’t apologize.”
“No?” He raised an eyebrow as we both turned to look at each other.
“No, I’m not sorry that it happened,” I confessed. I gave him a small smile and grabbed my bag from the backseat. I wrestled with the door, trying to get it open with just one hand until Alex removed his seatbelt and got out.
A second later, the car door opened, and Alex held his hand out. I looked at it for a second before I cautiously slipped my hand into his allowing him to pull me out of the car. The warmth from his hand seeped through, and I tried not to anxiously yank my hand away.
He tugged on my messenger bag and placed it on his own shoulder as he made a sweeping hand gesture. “After you.”
“You really don’t have to walk me to the door,” I insisted.
“I don’t mind.” He waved my protest away as his eyes scanned my neighborhood. It wasn’t anything fancy, not by any stretch of the imagination.
In fact, it was quite plain with its quiet one floor houses with faded paint and rickety fences, but considering these were low income houses, it was fairly clean, and a lot safer than it looked.
The grass needed to be mowed, and it desperately needed a good splash of water, but beyond that, everything was where it was supposed to be.
In theory at least.
I had no idea why I was suddenly trying to view my neighborhood the way Alex was. He probably lived in some swanky upper floor apartment with a doorman, and a spiral staircase.
He probably thought this was quaint, and now I would become his charity case.
Well, I wouldn’t allow that to happen.
I lifted my chin up, straightened my back and marched straight to my door. Alex’s long legs easily allowed him to match my stride which irritated me even more.
I wanted to get away from him as soon as possible, so that I didn’t feel my stomach twist into this anxious knot of nervousness and excitement. I also didn’t like feeling like I was on display, waiting to see if I passed some unseen standards.
Not that Alex had said anything.
This was just part paranoia, and part experience.
I struggled to remove my keys from the bag and insert them into the lock until Alex helped out, and he pushed the door open. I flipped the light switch on while I was still standing outside and called out.
I waited for my mother to answer until I saw the note posted on the door.
Back tomorrow. Spending the night at John’s. Love you, mom.
“She really needs to learn to use her cell phone more often,” I mumbled as I tore off the piece of paper and shucked it into the bin.
“Your mom isn’t a fan of technology?” Alex asked, politely as he stayed right here was, not making a move to go inside.
“No, she says she doesn’t want to be a slave to an inanimate device like my generation is,” I explained as I stepped inside.
“She does kind of have a point,” he said, ruefully. “Though I myself am guilty of this. I own two phones after all.”
I threw my head back and laughed. “You’re like the poster child for our generation right now. I bet you own a tablet too, and at least one or a few smart devices.”
“Guilty,” he admitted as he shoved his hands into his pockets.
“Oh, well. There are benefits to being plugged in,” I offered, kindly. “I bet you are a lot more tech savvy than I am. I’m only just learning how to use my smartphone.”
“There are perks sure, but there’s also a lot of drawbacks to being so plugged in all the time. Sometimes, I’d love to just wind down and power off.”
I cocked my head to the side. “Do you mean yourself, or your devices?”
“Both,” he admitted as he ran his hands through his hair.
I had a feeling that Alex Coldwell wasn’t the type to make confessions on someone’s front porch. Certainly not confessions of this caliber.
I was suddenly unsure of our footing.
If he viewed me as a charity case than what did I view him as? A ticket out of here? Or was I judging him solely based on what I knew about men like him?
He’d been nothing but kind and helpful since I met him. Aside from that incident where he checked me out, but he hadn’t made a move or said anything inappropriate.
Didn’t that count for something?
I shifted from one foot to the other as I weighed my options. Alex stayed uncharacteristically quiet as he watched me, his eyes sparkling in the night air.
A gust of cold wind blew through the both of us, and I shivered as I tugged on my jacket in an attempt to stay warm.
“You should go inside,” Alex suggested as he huddled closer into his jacket. Waves of restlessness exuded off of him, and it made me want to ask what he was thinking.
“Yeah, I probably should,” I agreed, but I made no move to go inside. Instead, I stayed rooted where I was.
I had no idea why.
Was it because I didn’t want to face any empty apartment tonight? This wasn’t the first time I had to spend the night alone. Nor would it be the last.
John was mom’s boyfriend after all, and it was normal to want to spend time together. Away from prying eyes, and with a little privacy.
Okay, a lot of privacy.
It wasn’t that I was in their way when they were at our house, but it wasn’t a huge house, and I tried to stick to my room, but that wasn’t always easy.
And really how comfortable can you be with your 22-year-old daughter down the hallway?
I couldn’t say I blamed them, but the house was suffocatingly quiet without my mom bustling about, or the sound of the tv blaring quietly in the background.
Most of the time, I turned it on when she wasn’t around just to have another voice in the house, but a lot of times I just worked till I dropped, and that way I wouldn’t feel her absence.
“Thanks again for the help,” I said, weakly, not knowing what else to say. The weight of a thousand words lay between us, but there was nothing else to say
Alex gave me a small smile as he carefully handed me my bag and withdrew his hand immediately. It was almost as if he were afraid to touch me.
To be frank, I wasn’t sure if I wanted him to do that or not, so I was glad I didn’t have to decide.
“Sure,” he responded as he shrugged causing the lapels of his coat to brush against his ear, giving him an endearing look.
I turned to go inside, but his voice stopped me in my tracks.
“Would you like me to make you some tea?” he asked, suddenly, his voice ringing in the cold night air.
I was sure I’d hear him wrong, so I turned my neck, half angling my body towards his.
“What?”
“I said, would you like me to make you some tea?” he asked, slower this time, each word gaining more confidence.
“Tea?” I echoed in confusion.
“You know, it’s this herbal drink that you make with water. Sometimes you can add milk or sugar or even honey. Other times, it’s just bland.”
My mouth curved into a half smile. “You don’t say.”
“I do, in fact.”
“Why are you offering to make me tea?”
“I figured it would be hard for you to do with your hand,” he explained as he kept his head ducked. “I don’t usually do this sort of thing, Sandra.”
“What thing would that be?”
“Be the chivalrous guy who waits around near the door and offers to make tea. It’s not who I am.”
I made a noise in the back of my throat. “So, why are you offering then?”
“Hell if I know.”
I snorted. “How articulate. Come on in, Alex.”
I nudged the door open and gestured for him to go inside. I don’t know who was more surprised by the gesture, me or him, but it was certainly a change of pace.
I hadn’t had a guy over since we moved here.
The few brief times that I dated, we usually met at their place, or in a motel. Maybe that dated back to whatever intimacy issues I had, but I wasn’t too keen on dwelling on it.
I just liked to be in the moment with whoever I was.
For some that was enough till the initial sparks wore off. For others, they wanted more than I can give, so it was time to part.
All of them ended civilly, or at least I hoped they did.
Alex carefully placed his coat over the back of a chair as his eyes swept over the room. “You have a nice place.”
“It’s not much, but it’s home.” I shrugged out of my sweater and hung it up behind the door. I slipped out of my shoes and kicked them off. I was suddenly aware of the fact that Alex was watching my every move.
I tried to decipher the look on his face, but I couldn’t. All I knew was that it sent a shiver of desire racing through me. One I was intent on ignoring.
I busied myself with tidying up the house even though my mom and I both kept it relatively neat, but it gave me something to do. I hated idle hands and having them free and fluttering at my side would only make things worse.
“I feel like I should be offering you something to drink not the other way around,” I joked as I awkwardly used one hand to fluff up the pillows on the couch.
Alex watched me in amusement. “I have the use of both my hands whereas you only have one. This makes sense.”
“Are you calling me an invalid?” I narrowed my eyes at him playfully.
He chuckled. “After witnessing how hard you punched that guy, I wouldn’t dare.”
“Good, and don’t you forget it.”
Oh, God.
He was obviously flirting with me, and I was flirting back.
And I wanted so badly to get out of my head for one night, and just enjoy it for what it was, but unfortunately for me, my mind was in overdrive.
Maybe because of the events leading up to this moment, or a side effect of the pills.
Alex looked at the kitchen questioningly. “So, where can I find the tea?”
I tilted my head to the side and used my good hand to point. “You’ll find the tea bags in the upper right corner, top shelf. Sugar and honey is in the bottom shelf though I actually prefer honey.”
Alex nodded as he moved and began to bustle around the kitchen. He was at ease as he moved around and prepared stuff. I leaned my hips against the couch and watched him in open admiration, savoring the moment where I could to see his firm ass move, and the way his forearms glistened underneath the overhead fluorescent lights.
“Stop checking out my ass,” he called out over his shoulder without looking at me. I could hear the laughter in his voice, and I crossed my arms over my chest.
I laughed nervously, hoping he couldn’t hear the catch in my voice. “What makes you think I am? That’s awfully narcissistic.”
“You mean besides the fact that I can see you out of the corner of my eye? Your eyes are boring holes into the back of my head,” Alex informed me.
“Hmm,” I responded, noncommittally as I chose not to respond.
Alex wheeled around to face me, casually leaning his arms against each of the counters as he crossed one foot over the other. “If you don’t stop then we both might regret what happens next.”
I blinked. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, I don’t think either of us want to regret what might happen tonight,” Alex stressed as his eyes flicked to my lips meaningfully.
My tongue darted out to lick my suddenly dry mouth. Alex’s eyes darkened as he watched the movement, and his entire body tensed in response.
He was right, of course.
This was a bad idea.
Yet, I couldn’t seem to stop myself.
“I doubt we would,” I murmured, softly as I tucked my hair behind my ear.
“Sandra,” he warned. “I’m not the type of guy you think I am.”
“What kind of guy would that be?”
“The knight in shining armor type. Trust me, I couldn’t be further from it. I like the adrenaline rush that comes from being in high profile cases, and as such my relationships have been defined by how hot they burn, and how fast they fizzle out. I can’t even really call them relationships,” he argued.
“I’m not asking for anything, Alex. Jesus don’t make me sound like one of those women.”
“Aren’t you?” His eyes scanned my face for the truth. “What kind of woman are you?”
“I’m figuring that out, Alex, but I do know one thing. If you think you’re messed up then I’m just as messed up. I have commitment issues because of certain things in my past, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get over that.”
The words came tumbling out of my mouth like a waterfall, without my consent and without my knowledge.
I hadn’t meant to divulge that much, but once they were out, I couldn’t take them back, so I held his gaze steadfastly and refused to be the one to look away first.
My mouth pressed into a thin line as Alex pushed himself off the counter and stood in front of me. I took a step backwards, so that my back hit the couch, and I had to crane my neck up just to look at him.
“I don’t care what kind of commitment issues you might have. I just don’t know if you’d be able to handle me.”
“Why wouldn’t I?”
“I like to be in control, Sandra.”
“You mean you like to dominate?” My mouth fell open.
“To an extent, yes. It’s not as humiliating as it sounds. Most women actually like it. It’s a different kind of high to have someone boss you around like that.”
“So…” I drew the word out as I waited for the words to organize themselves inside my head. “You’re an alpha male?”
“Essentially, yes. Do you understand what that means?” Alex asked, casually.
He was being very blasé about the whole thing.
The whole thing was entirely too strong for me.
Here I was standing in front of a man I met just a day ago, and we were discussing sex as if we were talking about the weather, or the country’s state of affairs.
It was a little disconcerting, but strangely erotic.
I was about to nod then shook my head at the last minute. “I think it means you like to be in charge in the bedroom, and you’re protective. Slightly domineering. Maybe overbearing?”
Alex pinched the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger.