Chapter 25
After she’d changed out of scrubs and into jeans and a tee, Zoe sat on the edge of Avery’s desk, waiting for her to finish a call. The morning had been hectic, but she got through it. The whole week had been pretty nuts. Zoe barely had time to visit Mama during breaks.
Avery hung up and smiled. “Done with clients?” Once Zoe nodded, Avery checked the schedule on her computer. “Not a bad way to end the week. A half day on Friday.” She sighed. “Take me with you. Please? We have the Dawson twins coming in this afternoon with their Chow-Chows to see Cade. They cling to him like saran wrap, and I don’t mean the dogs. I’m sure I’m going to need your amnesia stick by the time they leave.”
Zoe laughed at the reference to her baseball bat skills. “How about I take you to lunch instead? I have something I wanted to talk to you about.”
“Sure.” Avery set out the be back soon sign, locked her PC, and rose.
They made their way across the street to the deli and grabbed a couple sandwiches, taking them outside to a cafe table. Rain had fallen last night, leaving the Ridge shrouded in fog and sticky humidity in the air. A cool breeze wafted down from the mountain to relieve the heat. Shoppers passed by on the cobblestone walk, chatting.
Avery took a sip of sweet tea. “When I first rolled into town, I thought I was in Silent Hill.”
Zoe laughed. “You and your horror movies.”
“Well, it was dark, foggy, the streets deserted, and it was snowing.” Avery took a bite of her loaded ham and Swiss, speaking around her food. “So, Drake’s grinning like a fool since you guys got back from Portland.”
“What can I say? I rocked his world.” More like he’d rocked hers. She set her turkey and cheddar croissant aside.
Avery laughed. “I’m glad. It’s good to see him so happy.” She wiped her mouth with a napkin. “What did you want to talk about?”
Zoe shoved the pickle around her plate. “It’s really personal, my question. If I’m overstepping, just tell me. I didn’t know who else to talk to.”
“Hey, nothing’s too personal around here.” Avery clasped Zoe’s hand, smile slipping. “Go ahead.”
With a nod, Zoe chewed her lip. “Autism can run in the family, right?”
“Yes, it can in some cases. Since Hailey is a girl, the odds increase. I can’t give you exact numbers, but there’s some studies on it.”
Zoe rubbed her forehead. “Does that worry you? Since you’re expecting another baby, I mean.”
An ah-ha widened Avery’s eyes. “Cade and I did discuss the issue before we tried to conceive. But, to be honest, we both love Hailey and even if our next child winds up autistic, too, it wouldn’t change our mind.”
“She’s a wonderful kid.” Zoe had been expecting that answer, but she had to start talking about her concerns. Drake wanted a family so badly and her stomach was in a constant riot over the what-ifs.
“Is this about your mom’s dementia? Did you get your results back?”
Zoe’s gaze whipped to Avery’s. “You know?” She hadn’t treated Zoe any different. No pity stares or anything else.
“Drake was with his brothers when he connected the dots. Cade told me afterward.”
“I haven’t gotten the results yet. I’m expecting them any day.” She hadn’t been able to eat or sleep much the past week. Zoe was pretty certain their mail carrier thought she was stalking him. “Drake’s always wanted children. I feel like a selfish bitch for what might be me stringing him along.”
Avery squeezed her fingers. “You’re the farthest thing from selfish. Drake loves you. Anyone with eyes can see that. Let him decide what he wants. Plans change.”
“Yeah.” She sighed. He shouldn’t have to adjust for Zoe, though. “Thanks, Avery.”
After lunch, Zoe headed to Pine Crest to visit Mama. Since she wasn’t in her room, Zoe moved down the hall to the activity center and stopped short.
Among several tables and residents was her mom. Sitting in a wheelchair with her leg propped up, she laughed at something the elder woman across from her said. A checkerboard between them, they chatted. There was no trace of fear or apprehension on her face, nor tension in her posture. Aides walked around the room, helping patients, and she waved at them like she hadn’t a care in the world.
This wasn’t the first time Zoe had visited and found her mom calm. According to her chart, she’d been cooperative with meds, hygiene, meals, and bedtime. Her confusion was, as always, worse after sundown, but they were managing.
“She’s doing really well.”
Zoe glanced at the gentleman beside her. Donald Forester was the nursing home director and very good about keeping her up to date. Cocoa skin and shaved head, he was in his late fifties and had been a few years ahead of Mama in school.
She looked back at her mom, chest pinched and throat tight. Her eyes burned the longer she watched. The past few years, Mama had grown aggressive in her confused state and it had been a constant battle to get her to eat, rest, or even assure her she was safe. If not for the adult day center, Brent, or Drake, Zoe might’ve gone mad herself from the stress.
Hand to her chest, Zoe shook her head in awe. “She really does seem okay.” More than okay. When the accident had occurred, she’d been utterly terrified moving Mama. But she was adjusting. And way better than she had at home with Zoe.
Guilt and shame coagulated in her belly.
Donald set a hand on her shoulder. “I understand things had been pretty rough at home. It’s hard watching loved ones forget. They act out of character, do and say things they ordinarily wouldn’t.”
She nodded, already sensing what was best for Mama, even though it went against her original wishes and what Zoe had been determined to accomplish. God, this was so hard. “I’m going to go see her.”
“Come by my office afterward, if you don’t mind.”
“I will.” On legs made of lead, she walked to her mom’s table and took a seat. “Hey, there. It looks like you’re having a good game.”
A confused expression dulled Mama’s face, hollowed out her eyes. A look Zoe had seen too often. But instead of getting antsy or irritable, Mama...smiled. “I can’t remember how to play. My friend here is beating me.”
Friend. Friend. Zoe’s chest hitched. It had been years since Mama had used that term with regards to Drake’s mother or another soul. But the stranger across from her and the people here at Pine Crest had somehow become that very thing. Zoe did everything in her power to keep the tears from falling.
“That’s wonderful.”
She sniffed as a couple ladies walked by and asked her mom if she wanted to watch a movie tonight. Her tablemate said something about the coffee being good.
Mama agreed and absently pushed a checker piece in an illegal move. “Is that right?” Uncertainty wrinkled her brow.
Zoe bit her tongue hard enough to draw blood trying not to weep. “It’s exactly right.” Blinking rapidly, she breathed through the deluge of emotion. “Do you like it here?”
The woman across from her slid a checker piece, seemingly just as perplexed.
“Gosh, yes.” Mama patted her dark brown hair, which someone had neatly combed. “This is the best job.” She frowned. “Is it time to go back to work?”
Patting her arm, Zoe smiled reassuringly. “No. You have time yet.” Lots of time. In a place where she was comfortable and well cared for. Gut-wrenching decision made, Zoe blew out a breath. “Would you like to stay here with your friends?”
Focused on the board again, Mama nodded. “Sure.”
Wiping tears, Zoe pressed her lips together. “I love you,” she whispered. “I’ll visit all the time. I promise.”
“Of course.”
Zoe stayed another hour and then went into Donald’s office. It took two additional hours to fill out paperwork and discuss financial concerns. Zoe didn’t make enough to pay for the facility, but if she sold the house, she could swing it until county funds kicked in.
She cried the whole way home. Though the decision was the right one for Mama, Zoe couldn’t help but think she’d let her down.
And when she walked in her front door and Drake rose from the couch, her chest cracked wide open. One look at her and he was across the room, holding her, rubbing her back. She buried her face in his chest, drenching his scrubs with tears and fisting her hands.
“Checkers…friends…smiling.” She hiccupped as her raw throat burned and her head pounded.
His arms banded tighter and he hitched her up his body. Shifting to the couch, he sat with her in his lap. “You’re scaring the shit out of me.” Rocking, he kissed her temple. Shaking hands settled over her back, in her hair. “Tell me what happened, honey.”
Unable to catch her breath, she wailed. “Mama doesn’t…need me. She’s…gone.”
And it hit her. Mama was gone. Had been for a long time. All her memories, her strong personality—poof. As if she’d never been there at all. Zoe had been doing her damn best to honor the pact they’d made and keep her at home, but what she’d really done was selfishly looked past the signs that her mom didn’t feel safe. What was best for her, Zoe couldn’t provide. Wracked with guilt and denial, she’d ignored the truth.
Drake stilled, then cupped her face and stared at her. Wide brown eyes darted between hers with frenetic worry. “Is she…” He cleared his throat. “What do you mean gone?”
Oh God. She’d made him think Mama died.
Taking a calming breath, she closed her eyes. When she opened them, his unwavering gaze held hers. It took three attempts, but she told him about what happened at Pine Crest and her plan. With every sentence, he relaxed degree by degree until the strong body holding her was no longer rigid with fear.
He brushed the tears from her cheeks with his thumbs. “I know that must’ve been difficult for you but, for what it’s worth, I think you did the right thing.” He sighed, tender gaze sweeping her face. “She loved you so damn much, and I think it would kill her to know how bad things had gotten. She wouldn’t want that for you.”
Nodding, she rested her cheek on his shoulder. He’d tried to tell her the same thing before, but she hadn’t been ready to hear it. They stayed quiet awhile until she got her bearings and no longer felt like a wet tissue run over by a salt truck.
Raising her head, she kissed him. “What are you doing here anyway?”
He smiled. “Thought I’d come by after work to see if you wanted to go out for dinner, but I think maybe we should stay in with pizza.”
Sounded like an awesome plan to her. “Why don’t you call? I’ll feed the cat and check the mail.”
After setting food down for Cotton, she went onto the porch and pulled items from the mailbox while Drake ordered pizza.
Kicking the door shut, she scrolled through bills and junk. Her gaze landed on a white envelope in the stack and… The rest of the mail fell from her numb fingers, scattering on the floor. Her hands shook. The blood drained from her head and she swayed.
“Zoe? What is it?”
Her stomach clenched. “It’s from the lab,” she whispered.
He strode over and stood in front of her. “Come sit down. We’ll open it together.”
Together. She rolled the word around in her head, but it didn’t compute. This was it. All the maybes and what-ifs ceased right this second. Once she opened the results, her world either began or ended. Words on the address label swirled and blended in a blurry mass. She pressed a hand to her stomach to keep the measly half-eaten sandwich from lunch inside.
“Zoe, honey.”
God, his gentle, deep voice.
“No, I…” Couldn’t do it. She couldn’t open it. Couldn’t rip his world apart. Denial was so much easier. Safer. She had to…to…get out of here. Something. “I have to go.”
“What?” He grabbed her shoulders, dipping his face to meet her eyes. “Go where?”
The same fear radiated in his gaze and stole her breath. How could she do this to him? After all he’d been through?
“Honey, come sit down.”
She made a choked noise and pressed her lips together, shaking her head. “I’ll be right back. Just… I don’t know. I’ll be right back.” Pulling from his grasp, she opened the door.
“Zoe!”
But she was running and didn’t stop to listen. It was all she could manage. To run. Toward, away, from, to… It didn’t matter. Panic clawed its way to the surface and shredded her. Lungs burning, thighs cramping, she ran. Across her subdivision, through the outskirts of town, past a wrought iron fence, over damp grass until finally halting by…Heather’s grave.
Collapsing, she leaned against the stone marker and heaved air. Sweat beaded down her face, dampened her shirt. Her skin hot, her insides cold, she clutched at her chest and realized the envelope was still in her hand. Unable to look at it, she shoved it in her back pocket and lay sideways on the rain-drenched grass, staring at her best friend’s grave.
Wife. Daughter. Friend. May angels lead you home.
Outlandish, bone-jarring tears wracked her body. “I miss you.”
Pressing her face into the grass, she let loose. Her cell rang and her shredded heart bled and her phone rang some more.
But she lay there long after the sobs quieted and dusk came and went. Crickets chirped and fireflies blinked in the distance. A light breeze crackled leaves over her head. The faint glow from streetlights lit part of Heather’s stone, and Zoe sighed. What she needed most was her best friend.
“I miss you,” she said again as if Heather were right there with her. “You died and left us all devastated.” She didn’t realize how angry she still was, but it wasn’t as if Heather was at fault.
Swallowing, she rested her head on her arm. “I have a confession. Drake and I have been seeing each other. For the longest time, I fought my feelings, thinking you’d be so mad at me.” A rough laugh shook her. “But you don’t get mad, even when you should. You knew, didn’t you? That day you died, you made us both promise to take care of each other. That was your subtle way of giving us permission if we ever moved past friendship. It took me four years, but I figured it out.”
She ran her fingers over the lawn, threading the short blades, breathing in damp earth. She told Heather about Mama and the clinic and the damn meddling Battleaxes. “I swear, sometimes I conjure that serene voice of yours telling me to simmer down and not get arrested for battery. You used to say that all the time, remember? Simmer down, Zoe.”
And because she needed to, she rolled over and talked. Stars winked overhead and her phone blew up and Zoe kept right on talking. About Cade and Avery and Hailey. About Flynn and Gabby. About Brent and his new guy, Miles. Evening waned and her eyes grew heavy.
“I missed this most of all. Staying up all night gossiping.” A yawn cracked her jaw. “Tell me I’m doing the right thing, Heather. Promise me I’m not hurting the guy we love by being with him.”
Drained, exhausted, she closed her eyes.
Something vibrated under her hip and her lids flew open. Sunlight seared her retinas and she covered her face with her arm.
Wow. Okay, she’d fallen asleep in the cemetery. Moaning, she sat up and scrubbed her hands over her face. Damn, she was stiff. As a whippoorwill cooed in the distance, Zoe unpocketed her phone. And grimaced.
Twenty missed calls from Drake and Cade. Two texts from Gabby, one from Flynn, and fifteen from Brent. Crap. She scrolled through all the where are you’s and call me’s. Guilt twisted her gut. She hadn’t meant to worry anyone.
She ran her hands through her hair. “We pulled an all-nighter, H. And not even a decent hangover for the effort.”
Quickly, she shot off a group text to everyone letting them know she was okay and she’d see them at the softball game soon. Then she bit the bullet and checked Drake’s messages.
Yeah, she’d scared the shit out of him. Once she got through the panicked voicemails, she pulled up his texts and fisted the phone. Air wheezed past her lips.
We met on a meteor.
We sailed across the sky.
I can’t recall the day.
I know not how or why.
Zoe clapped a hand over her mouth, reading the next text.
We met on a petal,
A piece of dandelion fluff.
We floated on a breeze of wishes.
Foolish me not to recognize love.
We met on a crowded ballpark,
The thrush of humanity passing by.
And we were at a standstill,
Not even a breath in my lungs to sigh.
“Holy crap, H. He wrote me poetry.” Shaking, she scrolled down and realized the next part was about Heather’s funeral.
We met in an empty room.
Two broken souls among the fray.
Years and distance and regret between us,
And with one call, you stayed.
Tears burned her eyes, even though she should be irrevocably dehydrated by now. His last text said: If you want the last verse, come find me.
She’d tattooed memories on her body and he’d captured them with poetry. Some hers, some his. Mary Mother, that man.
Stark reality smacked her upside the head. It didn’t matter if she was sick or not. He wanted her. She’d always wanted him. They should be together, however much time was allotted.
Blinking repeatedly, she set the phone aside and pulled the lab results from her pocket. With a sudden burst of courage and shaking hands, she ripped into the envelope, quickly scanned the page, and let out a wail. Fisting the paper, she allowed the rest of her tears to tumble and then rose to her feet.
She blew Heather a kiss. “Love you.”