I stood looking at him, at the heavy rise and fall of his bare chest. I wanted nothing more than to prove to him just how much I wanted him. I wanted to walk over and kiss him, lay him down and finish off where we started, but I couldn’t. I had to sort things out with Faye before anything could happen between us.

“I want to promise you everything,” I said quietly, “but right now, I can’t.”

“Can’t or won’t?” he asked, looking at me wounded.

“Can’t, Max. I need to speak to my family. I have to tell them, and then…”

“Then what? You’ll come and find me? What if they react badly? You’re just going to leave me?” He took a step towards me. “Don’t abandon what this could be!”

I felt the energy building up inside me. The animal inside had sensed my negative mood, and I felt it pushing its way to the surface. It wanted to break free and put an end to my anguish. I felt the burn, and the pain starting to push forwards in my head.

I turned away slightly panicked that I wouldn’t get out in time. I couldn’t leave him now though. If I left the room, that would be it. He’d take that as a sign I wanted out and that it was over.

“You’ve changed,” he said, breaking the brief silence. “Come on, what is it? Do you believe the rumors too? Did you realize you could do better?”

“I…”

“What is it?”

“I can’t say, Max. But trust me, it’s not you. It’s nothing to do with how I feel about you, I just…”

I thought about telling him. I spent the whole night in bed previously trying to give myself a good reason to tell him everything, but I knew that if I did, the risk for my community, my kind, could possibly be catastrophic, and I didn’t want to put everyone else’s life in jeopardy just because I fell in love. Loving Max was special. It had been before, and it still was. He made me happy, but sometimes love wasn’t enough. If he couldn’t be with me and understand that there was a part of me I couldn’t reveal yet, then I didn’t know what I could do or how I was going to hold onto him.

When I was fifteen, I didn’t have the animal side of me to contend with. I’d been almost just like him, and as soon as I was eighteen my life changed. Only, he wasn’t around to witness that. He wasn’t there to see the pain I went through and the promises I had to make to my family and the community.

I went over to the bed and pulled my deck shoes out from under it, slipping my feet in, trying to focus on them and not the hurt expression on his face.

“You’re leaving?” he asked, walking over to me and placing a hand on the side of my face. “Don’t go.”

“I have to. But I’ll be back.”

“Don’t go,” he repeated again. “Stay and we’ll figure it all out, I swear.”

I wanted to—I needed—to but as our faces moved towards each other, our lips almost inches apart, I felt the animal again, and this time, the force of the semi-transformation made me wince in pain.

Damn all these emotions.

“I need to go,” I managed to say. “Just stay, wait for me.”

I fell into the door, pulling it open. Everything suddenly seemed like so much effort.

“Wait?” he asked. “I’ve waited ten years for you. You want me to wait some more while you play happy families with Faye?”

I could barely speak and stumbled out onto the decking. I had to get to the car and get out of sight. That was all I could think about as I hurried away.

“Don’t come back here!” I heard Max shout after me as I headed to the forest that framed the motel, my head pounding so hard I could barely breathe through the energy. I had to transform or it was going to kill me.

I sat inside the car and fumbled with the key in the starter, and as the engine kicked into life, I took one more look towards Max’s room as I drove past. I saw him watching, and from where I was, I could see the expression on his face. The same one he had as I ran after his car all those years ago, watching him look through the rear window at me, those eyes that were usually filled with laughter and happiness suddenly empty and lost. I never wanted to see that look ever again.

I sped up the hill towards the mountains. I’d make it up to him. I promised.

It was quiet and peaceful when I pulled my car into the lookout point car park and jumped out without even stopping to close the door or lock it before the transformation started taking place. I staggered through the trees, clinging to them as the soaring pain swallowed me.

I thought about Max in the city and tried to imagine myself there. I tried to think about his face, his smile, and the look in his eyes just before we kissed.

Everything in my life pointed to him. I wanted him, and the more I realized that, the scarier life became. How had it come down to choosing him or my kind?

I felt the tug in my stomach, and I knew I was close to changing. I stopped where I was and sat down, the energy I’d been trying to contain overflowing dangerously. Enough fighting. I had to let go and let it happen, and I just hoped when it was over, Max would still be in town. He was the last thing I thought of as the wolf took over completely.