I have got this. I have. I mean, how hard can it be to tell someone you like them? It’s just words coming out of your mouth. It’s pretty simple, right? Except as I walk down the blustery street to the pub, autumn leaves skittering along the pavement, I can’t help feeling fraught with nerves. What if last night was just a drunken mistake? What if when Chris touched my hair so tenderly and began talking about us being a perfect match, it was because he was about to let me down gently, telling me that we’re not actually perfect for each other at all and that he really does adore Laura? Oh God, I look ahead and spot the pub coming into view. It’s not too late to turn around. After last night’s drama with Daniel, do I really need to subject myself to a potentially devastating rejection? It’s not like I’m a masochist, although with my dating history, perhaps I am.
I pause and fidget with the strap of my handbag, wondering whether to keep walking. I could turn around, head back to the flat, get back into bed and sleep off the party. I could even spend a quiet afternoon working on my novel, which I’ve barely looked at for weeks. I turn around and glance back down the road, back towards the station when my phone buzzes. I reach into my bag and open the message, from Kate.
Good luck, Soph!! Remember, guys like this don’t come along every day. Make sure you tell him how much he means to you xxx Let me know how it goes.
I close the message and drop my phone back into my bag. Kate’s right. Guys like Chris don’t come along every day. I can do this. I keep walking, the leaves crunching under my feet as the pub comes closer and closer into view until I’m only ten feet away. I pause, lingering outside, my heart hammering in my chest. I feel hot and sweaty under my coat even though it’s a cool day, the sky a clear metallic blue. The pub has tall windows and I can see figures moving around inside. I can hear the hum of voices emanating from within. I take a few steps back, retreating out of sight and force myself to take a deep breath. I can do this. I think about the intense look in Chris’ eyes last night, he was into me. He wasn’t about to let me down gently, he was definitely going to kiss me. And then five minutes later, he sees me cosying up to Daniel. Even if Chris doesn’t want to be with me, I want to at least explain that I wasn’t kissing Daniel and that I’m not like that.
I get my phone and bash out a quick message to Kate. Heading into the pub!! Eeek! Xxx. I press send and walk the last few steps to the entrance.
I push the door open and head inside. The pub’s busy, with people catching up over pints at the bar and sitting down enjoying Sunday roasts. It’s a big pub, bigger than I’d realised from outside, and as my eyes roam over the different groups of people, I can’t spot Chris. Perhaps he’s gone to the toilet, or perhaps he’s not here at all.
‘Table for one?’ A passing waiter asks me.
‘Oh, err…’ I look over his shoulder, expecting my eyes to land upon Chris at any moment but I still can’t see him.
‘I’m looking for someone actually,’ I tell him.
‘Oh, right? What do they look like?’ The waiter asks.
‘Just a guy. Tall, blonde hair, slim,’ I tell him, feeling like I’m recounting a dating profile.
‘Right.’ The waiter frowns.
‘Sorry, that probably doesn’t narrow it down too much,’ I admit, scanning the pub, in which there are at least half a dozen guys who fit that description.
The waiter laughs. ‘Not really.’
‘He’s here for a battle games club,’ I tell the waiter, cringing at how lame that sounds out loud. Here I am, about to declare my feelings for a man who’s part of a battle games club. What have I become?!
‘The battle games club!’ The waiter’s lips twitch. ‘They’re in the other section, behind that curtain over there,’ he says, gesturing to a curtain at the far end of the room.
‘Great! Thanks!’
‘No problem,’ he replies, and I cross the pub, wondering what it is with me and people in geeky clubs. First, there’s Sandra with her Knitting Ninjas and now Chris. I must have a thing for nerds. I near the curtain. Okay, I can do this, I tell myself like a mantra as I pull it back.
Immediately, my eyes land on Chris. To be fair, he and his gang are hard to miss, having pushed together two tables to form some kind of figurine battle ground. One of his friends throws some dice and a few people lean forward to scrutinise the result, but I’m not really looking at his friends. I’m looking at Chris, who’s sitting at the corner of the table with Laura by his side. Laura! Why didn’t I realise she might be here? He doesn’t seem at all interested in the dice or the game, but instead, is completely fixated on her. He looks into her eyes and smiles at something she’s said, and then he reaches up to her face and brushes a few strands of hair from her face. My stomach lurches as they kiss. Is that his move? Brush aside the hair and then lean in? Maybe he even picked it up from somewhere? Another piece of dating advice he’s simply been putting into motion, like how I told him to ask his dates lots of questions. He smiles tenderly at Laura and she blinks coquettishly, cosying up to him before pointing across the table at one of the figurines and making a comment to a guy in a heavy metal hoodie who looks as though he hasn’t showered for a while. The guy guffaws and gives Laura a high-five and Chris grins at her proudly, no doubt delighted to have found a girlfriend who can crack witty battle games jokes.
I shake my head and watch them for a few more seconds. I’m not bothered about being seen; Chris is so entranced with Laura that he’s not even going to notice me. I let out a sigh before turning to leave.
My phone buzzes as I step back out onto the street. It’s Kate again.
Are you kissing yet?? Or am I interrupting?! Okay. I’ll stop texting :p xxx
I smile sadly and put my phone back into my bag. I can’t face texting back right now. I need a moment alone to just think. I walk away from the pub in the direction of the river, feeling my heart sink with every step. I should have realised that Chris would be with Laura. They’re probably making up for having missed each other last night. She’s probably a regular feature of the battle games club anyway with her passion for painted figurines. I’d imagined Chris was going to be cut up about what happened between us; I thought I’d have to make amends, but clearly he couldn’t care less. Maybe he didn’t leave Lyn’s party because he was upset over what he’d seen; perhaps he just randomly upped and left and didn’t have the good manners to say goodbye.
A car swerves to avoid me as I step out into the street, lost in thought. I gasp, scooting back as the driver slams down on his horn. Embarrassed, I look both ways several times before venturing back across the road, pushing thoughts of Chris out of my mind until I reach the safety of the pavement opposite. A couple around my age walk hand-in-hand down the street sharing a joke. The woman looks away from her partner and her face clouds over when she sees me looking. She frowns – a little irritated – and I realise I must have been giving them a look, probably failing to conceal my growing sense of sadness and bitterness that relationships never seem to work out for me. I scurry past and keep my head down until I reach the river, which is teeming with people. Tourists and Londoners sharing relaxed strolls, couples and families ambling along. I keep walking, following the river away from the hustle and bustle. I pass the Oxo Tower where Kate was with Max just last night and wander past the Globe and then, not far in the distance, is the Shard, gleaming in the crisp winter light. I walk towards it, like I have so many times over the past few weeks, when I’ve headed back to Daniel’s after work, filled with that smug disbelieving feeling that I was actually staying there. That my boyfriend lived at The Shard! Seeing its striking, imposing structure, towering over everything else and knowing that I was going to have dinner right at the very top before making love to my gorgeous model-esque boyfriend made me feel on top of the world. But looking at it now, it feels remote and distant, a sharp structure slicing the sky. I picture Daniel in his beautiful flat so high up and separated from everything, whilst I’m down here. Both of us equally alone.
I get nearer and nearer, until I feel unnervingly close. The last thing I need right now is to run into Daniel. I cross London Bridge and then walk along the opposite side of the river, hoping I’m just about far enough away. The path is less busy here, lined with tall office blocks with benches facing the water next to tiny patches of grass where workers can presumably enjoy their lunch. I sit down on a bench and try to gather my thoughts as I look out at the gleaming water, juddering under the autumn breeze. I’m sure Chris was about to kiss me last night. I could try to blame the alcohol, and claim that he was just drunk, but there was definitely a spark between us. It was there when we decorated the cake and when we took selfies in the photo booth. But even if Chris does like me, he’s clearly into Laura too and can I blame him? Not only is she gorgeous and a fan of the same geeky things he’s into, but she’s his girlfriend. She’s the one who gave him a chance. She recognised him for the amazing guy he is. She chose him and I don’t have a right to just swoop in and take him away because I’ve suddenly realised Daniel isn’t the one for me. Life doesn’t work like that. I can’t just have what I want whenever I want it. I missed my chance with Chris, whereas Laura took hers. She deserves him far more than I do.
I let out a long sigh. The worst part of all this is that I can’t really be angry at anyone but myself. I can’t blame Chris for wanting to stay with Laura and not being available at my beck and call and I can’t blame Daniel for all his Prince Charming shenanigans, because while he may have wanted to be with me for the wrong reasons, wasn’t I doing the same? Daniel liked me for my simplicity, my pliability, my wide-eyed wonder, and while it’s depressing that he was never really into me for me, would I have been as into him if it hadn’t been for all his trappings? If I’m honest with myself, the lavishness of Daniel’s life imbued mine with a dazzle and an excitement it ordinarily lacks. Despite everything, the last few weeks have been pretty incredible – the exclusive clubs, the lavish dates, the delicious food (even the finger dipping bowl!), the gorgeous clothes and just the general luxuriousness of living with Daniel. It has been lovely to be pampered, particularly with my parents away and my friends all coupled up, but if all that had been stripped back, would I have got quite so carried away? Would I have been quite so taken with Daniel? I think of Chris and his Gustav Flaubert quote, ‘Anything becomes interesting if you look at it long enough.’ But with Daniel, the opposite is true. He’s interesting the second you look at him: the good looks, the expensive clothes, the effortless confidence, and yet the longer you gaze, the less interesting it all becomes. The sparkle wears off, and there’s not really a lot there.
But I can’t be angry at him because rather than trying to use or hurt me, he was just as misguided as I was. All this time I’ve been dating, I’ve been holding out for my love at first sight moment, a love-struck epiphany and that stupid philosophy – handed down from my parents – has blinded me to decent guys like Chris. It’s hard not to fall for Daniel at first sight and that magnetism got me hooked. But if my parents shaped me, then how can I blame him for striving for something similar to what his dad had with his mum? After all, she was just a village girl from Croatia, a diamond in the rough, and he swept her off her feet, transporting her into a different existence – one in which she was probably so wide-eyed with wonder that she’d go along with everything he wanted to do, just like I did. Maybe Daniel was just trying to recreate what they had. I shudder at the thought. I definitely don’t think I’d have wanted to end up with his mum’s lonely-sounding life.
My phone buzzes again, snapping me out of my reverie. Another message from Kate.
Me again!! Hope I’m not interrupting anything ;P Twiddling my thumbs. What happened?? Xxx
I type back.
He’s with Laura. They’re happy together. I’ll explain later. xxx
My phone buzzes again as I put it back in my bag. I scan the message: Kate telling me she hopes I’m okay, and then I stash my phone and look back out at the river. I watch a boat, which seems to be hosting some kind of party, as it traces its way down the Thames. As I sit, watching it chug along, I can’t help feeling as though everyone I know is moving on except me. My parents, like the passengers on that boat, are on their cruise ship right now, travelling the world. Kate’s moving in with Max and starring in a career-defining role in The Mousetrap. Chris is in a proper relationship with Laura. Sandra’s embarking on a new romance with Ted, which even if it is a bit shudder-inducing, is still some sort of progress. Tom’s coming out of the closet to Lyn. Even Lyn, whose been a pillar of security in my life for so long, is moving on. And although my life has been a bit more exciting recently, despite everything, I’ve still somehow ended up in exactly the same position I was in before: I’m still single, I still hate my job and I’m still living in a crummy old flat in Lewisham.
I gaze at the boat until it drifts out of sight and contemplate what to do next. A pigeon hops onto the arm rest of the bench and regards me with its beady eyes before flapping off to eat some crumbs. I watch it for a moment until another boat distracts me as it works its way down the river. I realise I can either sit here and feel sorry for myself, letting the world pass me by just like these boats, sitting back as everyone else’s lives spring into action, or I can force myself to make some serious changes. I know I’m going to have to do the latter, because I don’t want to get left behind. I don’t want to end up on this bench in a year’s time in the same situation I’m in right now; it’s time to shake things up.