Rin

The second I saw his text, I knew something was wrong.

Sending the car for you this morning. I don’t want to draw any attention. See you at work.

It’s fine, I told myself. He wasn’t wrong. Was I disappointed not to see him? Absolutely. Was I going to make a big deal about it? Absolutely not.

Instead, I got ready for work, putting on the clothes he’d asked me to wear in the hopes he’d obsess over them all day and strip me of them tonight. I daydreamed of his face the moment I walked into his office, knowing the power I held over him simply by doing what he’d asked. So I walked out of my bathroom in a pencil skirt and blouse and those gorgeous Italian heels with the ankle strap he’d gotten for me in Italy.

Italy.

My heart sighed the word, a hundred memories drifting through my thoughts in its wake as I packed a bag for tonight. I couldn’t wait to get through today, anticipating the moment when I could fall into his arms and stay there. Sleeping alone had been horrible and restless and lonely, and I was thankful that tonight, I wouldn’t have to do it again.

I kept my smile up as I headed out of the house and into the hired car he’d sent, enjoying the quiet and the legroom never afforded on the train. And I floated into work, my worries gone, replaced by imaginings of the day to come.

Hope left me in a dry puff of smoke when I walked into his office.

He sat behind his desk, his eyes bloodshot and face hard, stony, closed. Hurt. Angry.

When he met my gaze, it was with a look of silent torture that sent a chill through me.

“Hey,” I said, stepping into the room. “Get any rest?”

He straightened up, his eyes on his hands as he stacked papers up and moved them arbitrarily. “No.”

I swallowed. “I didn’t sleep well without you either.”

The temperature in the room dropped. The muscles at his jaw bounced. His eyes darted to the empty, open doorway.

“I need you in the library today, working on citations for David. I have a publication to write and not a lot of time to do it, so please get it to me as quickly as possible.”

I blinked.

“Are you sure I can’t help you here?” I dodged, not knowing why I wanted to stay, not when I could feel everything slipping away. I should have wanted to run. But I didn’t. “Didn’t you need—”

His face snapped up, his dark brows drawn and glare flinty. “I need you in the library.”

I sucked in a painful breath. “What’s going on, Court?”

“We’ll discuss it later,” he said, dismissing me.

But I wouldn’t be dismissed. I stepped toward his desk, my hands shaking and stomach in my shoes. That he had bought me. In Italy. But the man he was in Florence had been replaced by the old, cruel version of him, and that asshole was as distant and demanding as I remembered.

I stared at him, wondering which side of him was real.

“So now we’re back to this?” I said with my breath trembling. “You dismiss me? Send me away?”

“We’re not talking about this here.”

I turned and used all of my reserve control to close his office door without slamming it before storming back to his desk.

“There. Now tell me what the hell is going on.”

Anger flared in him, surging through his heaving chest as he stood, blazing in his eyes. “What do you want me to say, Rin? That wasn’t me—I wish it were, but it’s not. I don’t want to hurt you, Rin, but I can’t do this. I can’t just change.”

“You can. I saw you do it.”

“This is who I am, and you don’t want a man like me.”

Furious, betrayed tears stung my eyes. “That’s not really your decision to make. You don’t get to decide for me and tell me how it is.”

He didn’t speak.

“I get that you’re freaked out, I really do. But don’t you dare pretend like what happened wasn’t real. Don’t tell me that was a lie. Don’t do that to me.” I turned for the door.

“Rin—” My name, a warning.

I didn’t stop walking until I flung open the door. “Come find me when you’re ready to be a fucking adult. I guess I’ll be in the library.”

And to my credit, I didn’t shed a single tear until I was exactly where he’d sent me.

He’s not going to come.

I cannot believe he’s not going to come.

I stared at the door as I had been for the last four hours, willing it to open and reveal his long body in the frame, to hear the words of apology that I had begun to think would never come.

I’m sorry I’m a fucking idiot, Rin. I really don’t want to make all your decisions for you, I’m just a stupid son of a bitch who can’t handle his feelings.

He thought he could decide I shouldn’t be with him, a thought so overbearing and ludicrous, it made me feel crazy. Like destroy his desk with an ax crazy. Although I supposed I hadn’t exactly conditioned him otherwise. I had on the exact outfit he’d asked me to wear, down to the lipstick. Because I’d thought it would make him feel as powerful as it made me feel. Because I liked being his, and I liked him wanting me to be his. Certainly not because I couldn’t make up my own goddamn mind about what I wore or whose heart I did—or didn’t—want to take a chance on.

I twiddled my pen in my fingers, annoyed with him, annoyed with myself, annoyed at the stupid tapping of the pen on my notebook.

Of course, under that annoyance was hurt and rejection and confusion. I just wanted him to stop hurting me. Five seconds apart, and he’d regressed to the animal he’d been before we left.

I should have known it was too good to be true.

I’d been left to consider how the man I’d fallen for—because I knew that I’d fallen for him just as well as I knew my name and zip code—and the man who sat downstairs could exist in the same body, in the same brain. How could he have opened up so much, only to shut down the second he got scared?

Because that was what it had to be, I’d deduced. He was afraid. It was why he’d treated me this way before and why he was doing it now—because he was afraid to care, afraid that I’d mistreat him as whoever had come before me did. I just had to show him I wouldn’t.

I wouldn’t give up simply because he told me to. Not even when he dismissed me like I meant nothing to him because that was the greatest lie of all.

If I’d learned anything, it was that the only way through to him was by way of a fight. And I had no fucking problem with throwing down—something I had plenty of practice in, thanks to him. After sitting here stewing all day and doing twenty minutes of work in four hours, I was ready to fight.

I packed up my things, reciting my argument, manifesting ways to get him away from his office and Bianca where we could speak freely. And I slung my bag over my shoulder and stormed out of the room.

Listen, you impossible beast, I rehearsed, turning the corner to the elevator’s hall too fast.

I slammed into a warm, Court-shaped brick wall and bounced off of him like a rubber ball. He caught me by the arms and pulled me into him, his face soft and sorry, though his brows were still drawn, framing his intense eyes.

“Listen, you impossible—”

“You were right,” he said, and the rest of my speech died in my throat. “You’re always right, do you know how irritating that is? I’m never wrong, except when it comes to you,” he rambled, his face desperate and his voice rough. “I hurt you again—I just keep hurting you—and all day, I’ve been thinking about how I could tell you I’m sorry, but I didn’t know how. Not without fucking up again, because that's all I do—hurt you and fuck up. And when I hurt you, it hurts me, and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry—” And then he was kissing me and kissing me, and I was breathing his sorries and holding on to him and trying to stay mad, but I just couldn’t.

He broke away and glanced around the empty hallway before dragging me to the library, dumbstruck. The second the door was closed, he pulled me back into his chest, pressed my head to his shoulder, held me like he didn’t want to lose me.

“You’re an asshole,” I managed.

“I know,” he said and kissed my hair.

“What happened?”

A sigh rose and fell against me. “I freaked out.”

“Court, you can’t just do that. You’ve got to talk to me. You’ve got to tell me your freak out so I can tell you you’re crazy and then have sex with you to distract you.”

He laughed, that sweet, happy sound I loved so much.

I leaned away to look at him. “What upset you?” I asked gently.

He looked down and shook his head. “It’s so much, so fast, Rin.”

“I know,” I said softly.

“I…I need you to know something, something I should have warned you about from the start.”

My heart stilled in my chest. I didn’t speak.

He drew a deep breath. “I will give you my body, my time, my mind. But I can’t give you my heart. I want you, and I want to be with you, but there are limits to what I can offer. I can’t ever promise you love and marriage—I can’t give you something I don’t believe in anymore. And I need you to decide if that's something you’re willing to accept.”

I looked into the depths of his eyes, searching my feelings for an answer, buried under layers of shock and surprise and disappointment.

He couldn’t give me his heart. And that was the one thing I found I wanted most of all.

Could I love him silently? Could I accept his offer—his mind, his body, his time—with the knowledge that it could be nothing more? Because I might be a fool, but I wasn’t so stupid to try to change his mind. If he said this was it, that this was all he could give me, I believed him.

He was, after all, a man of his word.

The deeper question was whether or not I could lose what I’d found, and the answer, which I found I knew to my bones, was no. I couldn’t walk away.

So I looked into his beautiful face and gave him the only answer I could. “I understand. And I'm in.”

He somehow looked relieved and even more hurt. “I mean it, Rin. I need you to promise me you’ll tell me if it’s too much. If you put your heart on the line, you have to tell me. Because I can bear so many things, but hurting you is not one of them.”

The sincerity in his eyes, in his voice, tightened my throat with emotion.

“Oh, Court,” I whispered.

“Are you sure you can do it?” he asked gently, hopefully.

And there was only one thing to do—I lied. “Yes, I’m sure.”

Relief washed over him, and he bowed his head to press a blazing kiss to my lips.

When he pulled away, I sighed, the depths of my recklessness deep and treacherous.

“We’ll have to be careful,” he said, smiling down at me, and my heart sang the opening chords to the hallelujah chorus. Because I could keep him. For now, he would be mine.

“Then we’ll be careful,” I agreed with a smile.

“I mean it. If Bianca finds out, we could both lose our jobs.”

One of my brows rose. “You think your father would fire you?”

“He might not have a choice. But I’m more worried about your internship. This is your degree, your reputation on the line. No more making out in the museum.”

“You say that like it was me,” I volleyed.

He chuckled, cupping my face. “God, you’re incredible. Do you know that?”

I laughed, feeling lighter than I had in days.

“I have a new plan,” he said.

“Oh?”

“Protect you at all costs. Even from myself.”

That emotion in my throat spread through my chest and squeezed.

He pressed his forehead to mine. “I’m sorry. I told you I’d hurt you.”

“Well, you can’t scare me off so easy.”

He laughed, leaning back to look at me. “This coming from the girl who couldn’t even look me in the eye on her first day.”

I smiled. “That was before I knew your weakness.”

His lips tilted in a sideways smile. “Oh? And what would that be?”

“My legs.”

He ran his hands down said appendages. “That’s true.”

“And my lips.”

He hummed and captured mine in his.

“My ass.”

Hands clutched the curves. “I’m doomed. You’ve got me right where you want me.” He pressed his hips into mine. “Now, what are you going to do with me?”

I wrapped my arms around his neck and squeezed, bringing us closer together. “I dunno, Dr. Lyons. I thought we were supposed to be careful.?”

He smiled. “We are. Now kiss me one more time before we both get fired.”

And I laughed and gave him what he’d asked for.