Madeline

 

The floor was cold beneath me and hard, though a blanket draped across my naked body helped seal in at least a little bit of heat. My body felt achy from lying there for as long as I had, though there were other contributing factors, too. As soon as I moved my legs and felt the soreness aching between them, I flushed as I recalled the things I had just done.

 

Nikolai.

 

He’d been furious. And I’d been furious. And then we’d made love—I wasn’t sure he would call it that; he’d probably say “fucking” but it was making love for me—twice right there on the floor, as though it was the only way to deal with the feelings raging between us.

 

I probably should have felt guilty. This man was accusing my brother of all kinds of things and my reaction was to sleep with him? Not just a lost in the moment kiss or a momentary lapse of judgment either. I’d let him get my clothes off in a hurry, desperate for there to be only nakedness between us, and even after he did passionate, naughty things to my body, I hadn’t come to my senses.

 

I’d craved it when he took me the second time, too.

 

This was not what I’d been raised to think and feel and act about sex. I was supposed to be married and then I was supposed to be careful, demure. It was okay to want sex, but only in the sweet way. In the “innocent” way, as much as possible, anyway. I wasn’t supposed to want things like sex on the floor or sex in the shower, and definitely not sex with men I barely knew.

 

Just one man, a voice in my head reminded me, and I acknowledged that it was true. I only wanted one man. Nikolai.

 

Thinking of him made me stand—gingerly and stiffly, stretching out my aching body slowly to try to work out some of the kinks—and look around for him. My apartment wasn’t that big, so there weren’t a lot of places for him to be.

 

Clutching the blanket, which I recognized as pulled from my bed, I looked around for him, but I knew before I’d checked in the bathroom and behind the curtain of my bedroom that he was already gone.

 

Niggling despair worked its way through my chest. Of course he wasn’t there. I should have known better that whatever passionate, crazy sex we had together, it was simply a carnal urge on his part.

 

But he came back.

 

I frowned. Was coming back a sign that he maybe wanted more than just the physical stuff? I wasn’t sure. He’d been talking about my brother and it made me worry that him showing up had more to do with Logan than anything else. But then, he had been really angry about Shawn.

 

I winced as soon as I thought of my best friend. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to speak to him ever again. After all, now I knew I would have to turn him down. I couldn’t marry Shawn while I let Nikolai’s body consume mine and devour me whole.

 

That wasn’t fair to anyone.

 

Just then my phone started buzzing an electronic version of “Lean On Me”—Shawn’s ringtone. I started to panic a little bit, debating whether or not to answer at all. I wasn’t sure I was ready to have this conversation with Shawn yet. Except I knew if I didn’t talk to him now, he’d get worried. And then he’d rush over here. And then he’d know, because after the passion that had swallowed me with Nikolai, I knew it had to be written across my face in plain block lettering, screaming of the dirty things I’d done.

 

Things I couldn’t bring myself to regret.

 

With a steadying breath, I picked up my phone and accepted that I was just going to have to talk to Shawn and tell him the truth. Well, part of the truth anyway. I wouldn’t be able to marry him and I’d have to admit that to him, but I was pretty sure I wouldn’t be able to bring myself to tell him about Nikolai. What would he think of me to know that I’d let the man back into my bed? Well, onto my floor anyway.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Madeline! Jeez, I’ve been worried sick! You never called me back or texted or anything.”

 

I could hear the undertones of worry and panic and almost rolled my eyes at him. Shawn had always been sweet to me, but he was also very overprotective and tended to worry too much. I often wished he’d give me a little breathing room; after all, I was an adult and could take care of myself, even if some of my choices lately hadn’t been the wisest.

 

“Sorry. I…I’ve been sleeping most of the day,” I answered mostly honestly.

 

There was a pause. “Because of the baby?”

 

I blinked. For one crazy moment, I’d forgotten all about being pregnant. Nikolai had swamped my field of vision until he was the only thing in it. As a result, I hadn’t even thought to tell him—not that I thought he would really want to know—I was carrying his unborn child.

 

Would he want to know?

 

“Uh, no, not exactly,” I hedged. I felt my blood pounding through my head, rushing until my ears were nothing but drums of pressure. Lying wasn’t going to be a good idea, I could just tell. I let out a sigh. “Listen, about your offer—”

 

“Don’t tell me over the phone,” he hurriedly interrupted me. “I want to hear your answer in person. This is just too important not to, right?”

 

His eagerness made me wince, but I agreed that he deserved to hear it from me face to face. It was cowardly to tell him over the phone, wasn’t it? So I sighed and nodded, though, of course, he couldn’t see that part. “Yeah, I mean, you’re right. When did you want to meet?”

 

“I’ll come over right now. We can talk then. I’ll bring takeout.”

 

I felt a moment of panic. Now? I looked down at myself clutching the blanket, still sticky from dried sweat and, well, and other things that didn’t belong to me at all. I was sure I looked like a mess, and the apartment felt like it looked like it was a mess, even though really, I didn’t have enough stuff here with me to make it truly unkempt. Still, I knew if he walked through the door right this moment, he would see that I’d just had wild, passionate sex that was most definitely not with him.

 

I didn’t want to tell Shawn that I wouldn’t accept his proposal like that. It was rude and thoughtless; he deserved better.

 

“Now?” I repeated into the phone, my heart racing a little. I needed to get cleaned up at the very least. “I mean, the place is sort of a mess and—”

 

“Don’t worry. It’s me. A little mess has never bothered me before. I’ll pick up something from that sandwich place and we can—”

 

“Can you pick up Chinese instead?” I blurted. Honestly, part of it was that I really was having a craving, but really the reason that I wanted Chinese instead of sandwiches was simple: the Chinese place was twenty minutes out of the way and would give me enough time to at least shower before he got here.

 

I told myself it was because it wouldn’t be fair to tell him like that, but I knew it was because I was scared. Would he think less of me? He hadn’t yet, but telling him about Nikolai might be the last straw, and I just wasn’t ready to risk it. At least if I cleaned up, telling him about Nikolai wouldn’t necessarily mean I’d just had sex with him and that was why I hadn’t called him.

 

“Yeah, sure, I’ll get the orange chicken, right?”

 

He knew me so well and I felt a little sad that I wouldn’t be marrying my best friend after all, but one thought of Nikolai made me realize it was all for the best. I didn’t think of Shawn that way and was pretty sure I never would. “Thanks. I’ll see you in a bit.”

 

“Great. Be there soon.”

 

We hung up and I wasted no time in rushing to the bathroom. At least I was already naked so I wouldn’t have to worry about taking the time to strip. I was under the spray in record time, scrubbing the scent of lovemaking from my skin, while simultaneously remembering how he’d touched me. Fiercely and possessively, like I was his and no one else’s.

 

The thought made me shiver.

 

When I got out of the shower smelling fresh and clean, I frowned at the blanket on the floor. Since it was a studio apartment, I didn’t have a washer and dryer. Instead, there were machines in the basement of the apartment complex. I wouldn’t have time to wash it, so I scooped it up and threw it on the bed in a heap. I decided we’d have to stay in the kitchen so he wouldn’t get suspicious. After getting dressed, I jerked the curtains closed to hide my bedroom and darted into the kitchen. I had one of those Swiffer things to help keep the hard floors clean in between moppings and I pulled it out now, quickly going over the entire space as though the evidence of what I’d just done was written across the floor. Maybe it was.

 

By the time I was putting it back up, there was a knock on the door. Shawn.

 

Taking a deep breath, I went to the door and opened it. He stood there holding up two bags full of Chinese takeout cartons. His smile was bright, confident even, and it made mine shaky at best.

 

“Come in,” I told him, standing back so he could do so.

 

He went directly to the counter to deposit the bags of food. Then he started pulling out containers, talking to me as he did so. “I got orange chicken like you like and some dumplings. There’s chow mein and stir fried rice, but no chicken in that, ’cause I know how you feel about chicken fried rice.”

 

I let him ramble for a bit until all the food was placed on the counter. He went to the cupboards to grab some plates then started dishing everything out. As I watched him, I realized what an awful person I was. Here was my best friend doing everything he could just to make me happy and make sure I was healthy, and what was I doing? Sleeping around with some guy who probably didn’t care about me in the slightest.

 

Sucking my bottom lip into my mouth, I worried on it for a moment as I thought it over. I was going to have to tell him. And not just about the engagement—or lack thereof.

 

“Shawn,” I began hesitantly, trying to gather my courage before continuing. “Shawn, stop. I…we really need to talk. Now.”

 

He stopped instantly. He could probably already sense it in my tone, but I tried to remind myself that it was okay. Everything would be okay. He turned to look at me, his eyebrows furrowed and his lips turned down into a frown. He was a nice guy, one of the good ones I was sure, but…well, he could be a little judgmental about things like this. I reminded myself that he’d stood by me when he learned I was pregnant, even stepping up to the plate, and that this would be no different. We’d still be friends after I told him the truth.

 

Even so, the words stuck to the roof of my mouth like thick, pasty oatmeal. After several tries, I got it out. “I can’t marry you.” Shawn looked ready to mount an offensive, some sort of argument to convince me otherwise, but I hurried on before he could change his mind. “You’re such a good guy and you deserve so much better. I just can’t do that to you.”

 

“Madeline, I…” His expression had turned tender, telling me he wasn’t understanding what I was talking about.

 

I knew I’d have to tell him what happened. Sucking in a harsh breath, I spit it out. “I slept with Nikolai.”

 

He froze. I wasn’t even sure if he was breathing anymore. He stared at me with those huge brown eyes, almost not seeing me at all. Then he blinked and let out a rush of air through his clenched teeth. A moment later, he asked dumbly, “Who?”

 

“Nikolai,” I told him carefully, knowing how this was going to go over. “The…the baby’s father. I…I don’t know what happened.” Which was not entirely the truth, but sort of. I hadn’t intended for that to happen, though I enjoyed it enough to know that I would let it happen again in a heartbeat. “He was here and I was…It did happen, Shawn. It happened and you deserve better.”

 

I sat heavily on one of the stools at the counter, feeling miserable. I didn’t want to lose Shawn as a friend and I felt awful after everything that had happened. It was supposed to be us against the world, but I had a feeling that after my admission, that was no longer the case.

 

Then he surprised me. “Are you telling me no because…well, because you guys are together now?”

 

I stiffened. Together? Well, we’d slept together a total of four times, but I’d left knowing that he didn’t want anything like that the first time and he’d left the second time before I could even attempt to decipher anything. I hesitated, then decided honesty was all I had to offer as confusing as it might be. “Um, no. I mean, not really, he just…” Just what? Stormed in, tore off my clothes and devoured my body until I felt like I was crumbling in ecstasy beneath him? No, I definitely couldn’t say that, so I tried again. “He’s gone and I don’t even have a number. I…he probably won’t be back.”

 

Of course I’d thought I wouldn’t see him again after the first time, too, so some part of me hoped I would be wrong again.

 

Shawn processed this information, then seemed to make a decision. Leveling his gaze on me, he said, “Then I don’t care.”

 

My eyes widened at his words. What?

 

“I don’t care, because you’re all I’ve ever wanted, Madeline. So, if you’re not already with this guy, I want a chance.” His eyes smoldered with passion and ferocity as he said this, intensity I was definitely not used to from him.

 

“You…?” But I didn’t even know what to say.

 

He took a deep breath, looked me in the eye, and said, “I’m in love with you, Madeline. I have been forever. I don’t care about anything else but that.” He took my hands in his, holding them tightly, as though he could make me feel his love through that simple touch. Unfortunately, I felt nothing. Just the warm pressure of his hands, which was barely anything at all. It was nothing like how I felt when Nikolai was just in the same room as me.

 

Gently, I pulled my hands back. I shook my head. “I…I had no idea, but, Shawn…this isn’t right. You should be with someone who feels that way about you, too, and, well, we’ve just been friends for so long and—”

 

He took my hands again, sparking a quick annoyance in me that died nearly as fast. “Yeah, but that’s because you’ve only looked at me like a friend. Now you know how I feel and you can think about me in other ways, too. Especially now that you’ve—” He broke off abruptly, his cheeks going red. I thought it was in embarrassment, but then I saw a flash of anger.

 

I bit my lip, then said, “I just don’t know, Shawn.”

 

He shook his head. “I do. This Nikolai guy isn’t going to stick around and you need a husband. That’ll be me and the rest will come with time. It’ll be okay, Madeline.”

 

I wasn’t convinced, but didn’t argue further. I didn’t know how to make him understand what I could feel in my heart: I was never going to love him like that.