Eighteen
Libby
“Your daughter’s so well-behaved,” I said. “How did you do it?”
“You only get this side of her when you’re in public with her,” Joanna said. “When she’s at home, she can really be a terror.”
“Oh, is Momma talkin’ bad about you?” I said. “That’s so mean. That’s so mean of her. Come here, you’re so precious. I’m sure you are a wonderful girl at home.”
I took the little girl from Joanna’s arms and cradled her against my body. She was the sweetest thing I had ever come across. She was calmly sitting in her high chair and eating her food while the two of us caught up over lunch. She was smiling and drawing designs in her mashed-up avocado. She was all smiles and had this toothy little grin that made my heart melt.
“How are you feeling?” Joanna asked.
“I’m doing okay,” I said.
“No, I mean… how’s the pregnancy going? You’re, what… five months along now?”
“Five and a half,” I said. “And I really am doing okay. The nausea finally subsided, but now I crave all the weirdest things.”
“With her, all I wanted to do was drink milk and eat oranges over the sink.”
“You craved eating over the sink?” I asked.
“I wanted them so badly I wasn’t patient enough to put them on a plate. I sliced them and dove right in over the kitchen sink. But we realized why once her teeth started coming in.”
“Why?” I asked. “Is there something wrong?”
“Not really wrong, but she’s got weak teeth. The enamel on her teeth didn’t form properly, which was why my body was craving milk so much. She wasn’t developing properly and my body was craving the necessary calcium in order to try and right was what going wrong.”
“Then what did the oranges do?”
“Vitamin C helps the calcium adhere and stick. The more milk my body required, the more Vitamin C it required.”
“So the things I’m craving are my body’s way of telling me I need more of that nutrient?” I asked.
“Sometimes. What have you been craving?”
“Banana, marshmallow fluff, and mustard sandwiches,” I said.
Joanna stared at me blankly before she stifled her laughter.
“I’ve got nothin’,” she said. “You’re gross.”
“Don’t worry. Graham thinks it’s gross, too. He got it in his head that whatever I was craving, he would eat with me so I wouldn’t feel alone in the weirdness. I tested him and asked me to make that sandwich and he tried it with me, just to keep his word. The issue was, he spat it out and I kept eating. And now, I can’t stop thinking about it.”
“First off, disgusting. You’re still gross. Second of all, you really need to stop testing that man.”
“I’m not testing him. He’s the one who came up with the stupid idea to not eat things I couldn’t eat and to eat all the things I did.”
“Because he cares about you and what’s going on with your body. He doesn’t want you to feel left out of anything. It’s actually really sweet. My husband ate ice cream in front of me while the stuff made me gag. You’re lucky.”
“I know I am.”
“I know that tone of voice. Spit it out. What’s on your mind?” she asked.
“It’s stupid.”
“Nothing is stupid when you’re pregnant. Now spill.”
“It’s just that… Graham wants to put on this baby shower. You know, this massive affair at his home.”
“The gargantuan home you’re always going on about with the library?” she asked.
“Yep. That one. But he wants to invite his family.”
“That’s usually who attends a baby shower, yes.”
“All of his family.”
“What’s the big deal?” she asked.
“I haven’t met his family yet.”
“Ah, so that is a big deal. You’re nervous to meet them?”
“Of course I am! Joanna, I’m a part-time tutor and a part-time law firm secretary. He’s the owner of the biggest technology company in the nation.”
“So? Who the hell cares?”
“They’re going to care. I’m nowhere near his league. His family’s going to expect one thing, then they’re going to get me. They’re going to be disappointed and it’s going to ruin everything.”
“You mean like you’re ruining everything?”
“What?” I asked.
“I know you’re holding him at arm’s length because of the things that happened between you two, but that was months ago. At some point in time, you have to either let go and start trusting him, or tell him the two of you are simply going to be co-parents and keep pressing forward.”
“So you think I’m leading him on.”
“No. But I do think you’re scared. And I do think you’re letting that fear get the best of you. Which you don’t deserve, and neither does he.”
“I don’t know what to do. I only know that meeting his family while we’re still like this isn’t the best thing.”
“I completely agree. Which means you’ll have to sit down and have a talk with Graham,” she said. “Which means you’ll have to make up your mind.”
“On what?”
“On whether or not you want to be with him.”
I sat there picking at my salad as Joanna’s input rattled through my mind. Was I stringing Graham on like she thought I was? Like I thought I was? I wanted to be with him. I enjoyed the time I spent around him and his kids. The larger I grew in my pregnancy, the more excited I got. So why was I so scared? What was I so afraid of?
“Do you love him?”
“What?” I asked.
“Do you love him?” Joanna asked.
“I don’t… where did that…?”
“That’s what this all boils down to. Graham seems like a great guy and from what you’ve told me, he seems to really care about you. So you have to figure out if you care about him back. Do you?”
“Of course I do.”
“So you do love him?”
“I don’t… think it’s…”
Did I love him? The past few months had been a whirlwind, but could I say I loved him? I mean, whenever I laid down in my bed at night I wished he was there. Every time I woke up in his bed at his house my heart fluttered with joy. There were nights where I craved him so badly I needed to hear his voice. But was that love?
Or infatuation?
“What do you have to lose by trying to make things work with the father of your child?” Joanna asked.
“Nothing,” I said. “But I don’t want to get my hopes up, either. I did that with him once, and he dodged me for two weeks before I found out he had three kids.”
“That he dodged you because of. He didn’t duck you because he had another woman in the picture. He ducked you because his kids were sick and he wasn’t ready to tell you about them. How can you still be upset about that?”
“I’m not upset that he dodged me because of his kids,” I said.
“Then what are you upset about?”
“I’m upset that he only trusted me with them once he found out I was pregnant.”
That was really the truth. Our relationship had only really taken off after that encounter because I told him I was pregnant. How was I supposed to know if he really wanted me? Maybe he was simply doing all this because I was pregnant with his child. Maybe he didn’t care about me the way I cared about him.
Because the truth was, I did care about Graham. A lot.
“You think he’s being disingenuous because you’re pregnant,” Joanna said.
“Yes. I do. I’m so scared this is all a ruse, and that when this child comes and things get real, he’ll back away.”
“From your child?”
“No. From me. I don’t doubt for one second that he’d do anything for our child. But me? I don’t know. He… didn’t trust me in the beginning with his secrets, and then I tell him I’m pregnant and suddenly I know everything about him? He’s unwilling to keep secrets now? How is that supposed to make me feel?”
“Have you talked with him about this?” she asked.
“No, I haven’t.”
“You know communication’s imperative for two people having a child, right?”
“So Graham has told me time and time again.”
“Then maybe you should take the sign he’s showing you.”
“What if I lose him, Joanna?” I asked breathlessly.
“So you do love him?”
I felt my eyes water as I finally admitted the truth to myself. I did. I was in love with Graham. I was in love with his piercing blue stare and his thick head of hair. I was in love with his chiseled muscles and the soul they encased. I was in love with his laughter and in love with his command. I was in love with his zest for life and his dedication to our child.
I was in love with him, and I was petrified that he wasn’t in love with me.
“I’m not sure. I could be,” I said with a shrug. “There are so many things to sort out still.”
“There will always be things to sort out, Libby. Coming from a mother of a fairly well-behaved daughter, you’ll always have things to sort out. Your life won’t ever fully fall into place after you have that kid you’re growing. Ever. But that’s what Graham’s there for. To help you when those times get hard. And if you love him, stop denying it. It’s only going to hurt you two more. And if you do love him, then start acting like it. Because one day you’re going to test him, he’s going to fail, and you’re going to go ‘aha’ when you make your own worst nightmare come true.”
“Can I tell you something stupid?” I asked.
“Anything to lighten up this conversation,” Joanna said.
“I always imagined I’d get married first.”
Joanna started to giggle and it caused me to do the same. We were trying to stifle our laughter in the middle of the restaurant as she held her daughter in her lap. I cupped my hand over my mouth and bit down on my lip, trying desperately to not howl out into the room.
Laughter with Joanna was always cathartic, even though it was tinged with a bit of sadness.
“Do you know what I say to all of this?” Joanna asked.
“What’s that?” I asked.
“Do what you want. If you want to love Graham, then love him. If you want to get married, then talk to him about it. If you want to live with him or on your own or in a mole hill on top of a mountain, talk to him. But whatever you decide to do, talk to the man, Libby. Stop keeping him in the dark.”
“Okay,” I said as I nodded my head. “Okay. I’ll talk to Graham.”
“Good. Now, what’s the gender of this child you’re carrying?” she asked.
“We still don’t know.”
“What!?”
“Yeah. Every time we go in for an ultrasound, she gets stubborn.”
“So you feel it’s a girl?”
“It seems more natural to call our child that, yes. But I’m really not sure.”
“A mother’s intuition is powerful. Never doubt it,” she said.
“Didn’t you use mother’s intuition to explain why you thought your child had cancer instead of colic?” I asked.
“Okay, don’t always trust your intuition. But it’s good sometimes.”
I giggled at my friend as I grabbed my water to drink.
“You’re going to be a fabulous mom, Libby.”
“I don’t know about all that,” I said. “But I can tell you I’m ready for the journey.”
“Then brace yourself, because it’s gonna be a doozy.”