Austen

I’d never been so confused in my life.

Every time I was with Ryker, I knew he was the man I wanted to be with. He was the perfect man, minus the fact he was still in love with his ex. He had a good heart, a great sense of humor, and his body was out of this world.

If he wasn’t still hung up on Rae, I’d probably pick him.

But he was.

And I still had a thing for Nathan. I went back and forth with him, sometimes wanting to be with him and sometimes wanting to push him away. Sometimes I thought I was just chasing what we used to have. Before he cheated, we had an incredible relationship. He was my best friend and the best lay I’d ever had.

But that was in the past.

Now I was in the present, and I had to make a decision about my future. Whatever man I picked, I’d probably spend the rest of my life with him.

So I needed to choose wisely.

I just got off work when Madeline texted me. Muffin Girl?

I could always go for a coffee after work. Sure. Meet you there in 5. I walked a few blocks before I found her sitting at the picnic table. She already had two iced coffees and blueberry muffins.

“Hey.” I dropped into the bench across from her. “How was practice?”

“Every muscle in my body hurts,” she said with a sigh. “But it was worth it. We’re gonna be awesome for the opening next week.”

“I’ll see it myself on opening night.”

She smiled before she picked at her muffin. “You always do.”

“I’m sure Liam will be there too.”

“He’s been eager to see one of my shows. He asked to come to practice a few times, but I said no because that would be weird.”

“Weird why?”

“All the other girls are practicing, and it’s not the right atmosphere.”

“That’s probably for the best.” I drank my coffee. “He can’t handle being around that many pretty girls at one time. His head would explode.”

She laughed. “You’re probably right. So, who are you seeing tonight? Ryker or Nathan?”

I saw Ryker last night. We made out on the couch then moved into the bedroom. Clothes came off, and there was lots of touching, but no sex. I’d kissed Nathan but we never crossed any lines. “Nathan.”

She nodded but didn’t hide her look of disappointment. She told me how she felt about Nathan once, but she wouldn’t repeat it, not after I asked her not to. “What are you guys doing?”

“Getting dinner and ice cream.”

“Cool…” She drank her coffee then stared at her muffins. “Any closer to coming to a decision?”

“I go back and forth a lot.” Every time I see each one, actually.

“Is there anything I can do to help your decision?”

“No, I don’t think so. I’m running out of time. Maybe when the buzzer goes off, my instinct will make the decision for me.”

“Have you done the pros and cons thing?”

“I guess…” They both had equal pros. Their cons were very different.

“What do you like the most about Ryker?”

That was a question that didn’t come with a simple answer. “Everything.”

“Everything?” she asked with a raised eyebrow. “What does that mean?”

“It means I like everything about him. He’s perfect.”

“Then what do you like about Nathan?”

I couldn’t think of a straight answer. “Everything…”

She laughed. “Well, that didn’t help. What about the cons?”

“Well, we know what Nathan’s con is…” He slept with my best friend, broke off our engagement, and shattered my heart into a million pieces. “Ryker is still in love with Rae.” I could never compete with the only woman he’s ever loved.

“Are you sure he is? Because it doesn’t seem like it.”

“What do you mean?” She was hardly around him.

Madeline considered her answer for a long time before she gave it. “When he’s with you, you can tell he’s not thinking about someone else. The guy is crazy about you. He has to be if he’s going through with this contest.”

“I don’t doubt his feelings for me.” I was just as into him as he was into me. “But I don’t want to settle for only some of his heart.”

“He’s settling for some of yours,” she reminded me.

“Which is why it makes even less sense that we would work out.” With Nathan, I seemed to be the only woman in his life.

She crossed her arms and rested her elbows on the table. “I just don’t think Ryker is as hung up as you think, so don’t assume that.”

“And why are you so sure?”

She paused before she answered again. “I just know. I doubt he even thinks about Rae anymore.”

I couldn’t put much faith in that, not when she hardly knew him. “Hopefully, my answer will come to me. I adore both men, but I’m also nervous to be with either of them.”

“Ryker is bluntly obvious. You know exactly what you’re getting with him.”

“Nathan is honest too.”

Madeline wore an irritated look like she didn’t agree with that statement. “I know you told me to butt out, but if you let Ryker go, you’re going to regret it. Nathan had his chance and blew it.”

“Ryker blew his chance too when he hooked up with that bimbo.”

“He wasn’t in a relationship with you.”

“But he didn’t care about parading it in my face. He knew it would hurt me, and that’s why he did it.”

“He only did it because he thought you were getting back together with Nathan. Big difference.”

Madeline made her stance on my love life perfectly clear, and I didn’t want to hear it again. “I appreciate your concern. You know I do. But I really need to figure this out on my own.”

She rolled her eyes. “Sometimes we need an objective opinion when we’re too emotional.”

“This is love, Madeline. Of course my decision is emotional.”

Madeline finally gave up, the irritation in her eyes. “I just want you to be happy. And I don’t think you’ll be happy with Nathan. You know what I think—”

“It doesn’t matter what you think—”

“You’re trying to get back what you had, but it’s long gone. You think if you make it work with Nathan, you’ll be happy the way you used to. But that can never happen because you’re always gonna think about what he did. With Ryker, you get exactly what you expect. He’s honest, loyal, and sweet. Don’t lose this awesome guy to be with a jerk off.”

I bowed my head and let her words wash over me. I shouldn’t be angry with her, but I couldn’t help it. I needed her support right now, not her ferocity. I’d do anything to be over Nathan so I could move on with my life, but that wasn’t so simple. It was wrong of her to judge me like that.

Madeline knew she’d crossed a line. “I’m sorry you’re mad at me. I just want the best for you.”

“I know…”

“Forget about Nathan, and be with Ryker. He’s perfect for you.”

I wasn’t going to repeat myself—not for the zillionth time. “I know. I’ll make my decision soon.”

* * *

Nathan picked me up, wearing dark jeans and a fitted t-shirt. Every single inch of his body was tight and fit, making him look good in anything he wore. He could wear one of my dresses and still look amazing. “Hey.”

“Hi.” I locked the door behind me, feeling my throat go dry as the nerves got to me.

His hand moved around my waist, and he leaned in to give me a quick kiss on the lips. “You look nice.”

“Thanks…you do too.”

He took my hand, and we walked to the restaurant. His thumb brushed over my knuckles as we walked, and his cologne washed over me. Ryker didn’t wear cologne. He always smelled like the body wash he used in the shower. It was heavy in all of his sheets. Nathan had been wearing the same cologne since the first day I met him.

I tried not to think about Ryker. That wasn’t fair to Nathan.

“Hungry?” he asked.

“Starving. I did ten thousand steps at work today.”

“Wow. That’s a lot. That treadmill desk really works.”

“Yeah. They’re starting to put them in the rest of the offices. I think it’s good for everyone.”

“I’m sure it will be.”

We arrived at the restaurant and were led to our seats. Nathan made reservations, and it was a good thing he did because the place was packed. It was swanky like all the other places he took me. I wasn’t sure if he had expensive taste or if he was just trying to impress me. Ryker and I usually got burgers when we were together, or even better, pizza. We were pretty simple. “This place looks nice.”

“I heard it’s good.”

“My parents like this place.” I saw the name of the restaurant on the wall and remembered my mom talking about it.

“Seems like something they’d like. They have steak, and your dad loves that.”

“He loves it too much, actually. His cholesterol is off the charts.”

“Nothing will stand in the way between a man and his meat.”

I chuckled then looked at the menu.

The waiter came over and took our drink orders before he disappeared again.

“What are you going to get?” Nathan closed his menu like he had already decided.

“All this talk about meat makes me paranoid. I’ll get some fish.”

“Isn’t that meat?” he asked with a laugh.

“But it’s good meat. Now I won’t feel so bad about it.” I closed my menu and placed it on top of his.

The waiter came over, and we ordered before he disappeared again.

Once he was gone, the air became heavy with tension. Nathan kept staring at me, his eyes glued to my face. We were just joking around a moment ago, but now everything seemed different. “I don’t want to ask this, but my curiosity is getting the best of me.”

He could only be referring to one person.

“You’ve been seeing both of us for a while now. Are you still unsure of your answer?”

It’d been over two weeks. I didn’t have much time left. “It’s complicated…”

“Is Ryker still in love with his ex?”

Thinking about him and Rae still made me sick. “As far as I know.”

He nodded slowly. “Well, I’m only in love with one person…”

The confession sent chills down my spine and butterflies into my stomach. I remembered the way he always told me he loved me before he left for work in the morning. I missed those little moments, things I took for granted at the time.

“And I know you love me.” He rested his hand on the table, directly next to the glass of scotch he wasn’t drinking. “With me, you don’t have to compete with anyone. All I want is you.”

While it was sweet, all I could think about was Lily. “It’s not so simple. You know you really hurt me, Nathan.”

“I know,” he whispered. “But I’ll never make that mistake again.”

I believed him even though I had no reason to. I felt the sweat collect on the back of my neck, so I massaged the area to discreetly wipe it away. When Nathan turned that stare on me, I felt powerless to do anything about it. He was pressuring me to choose him when he’d been nothing but patient for the past few weeks. His jealousy was obviously getting to him. “I know. I just—”

“Austen?” I could recognize that voice in a crowded room. With grace and a hint of shrillness, my mother’s voice pierced my eardrum.

I looked up to see her standing there beside my father, wearing one of her nice dresses with a clutch tucked under her arm. My father stood beside her in a collared shirt, tall just like Liam. He and my mother both looked at Nathan in shock, their eyes wide and full of horror.

It took me a moment to respond because I hadn’t recovered from the last thing Nathan said. “Hey…what are you guys doing here?” It was a stupid question because I knew exactly why they were there. I knew they liked that restaurant, but I never thought we would cross paths.

My parents never responded to the question. Their eyes were reserved for Nathan.

Nathan was the first one to make a move. He cleared his throat and stood up. “Nice to see you again, sir.” He stuck out his hand to shake my father’s.

My father stared him down and didn’t move. He was always polite to everyone he interacted with. He had a high tolerance for bullshit, and it was nearly impossible to make him mad. The fact he stood still like a statue was clear evidence of how he felt.

Nathan held his hand for a few more seconds before he dropped it. “Nice to see you, Melinda…”

With pursed lips and threatening eyes, she stared at Nathan like he was a bug. She eventually turned back to me, a questioning look in her eyes. “I’ll call you tomorrow, sweetheart.” She stepped away and didn’t look at Nathan again.

My father stared him down, looking threatening when I didn’t think it was possible. He was in his fifties and possessed a friendly visage. But right now, he was a little scary. “You have a lot of nerve.” He followed my mother out the door and to the lobby.

I wanted to apologize for my parents’ behavior, but I couldn’t. They had every right to be angry, especially since my dad lost half his deposit for the wedding venue that was never used. My mother lost a lot of money on the wedding dress she never got to see her daughter wear. And after the way he broke my heart, it was no surprise my parents didn’t possess an ounce of forgiveness.

Nathan watched them go before he slowly lowered himself into his chair. He leaned back with slumped shoulders, looking like he lost a hand he shouldn’t have gambled in the first place. He ran his fingers through his hair and sighed.

I didn’t know what to say to make him feel better. In reality, I really shouldn’t need to make him feel better at all. The last time he saw my parents, we had brunch together and talked about wedding plans. My father adored him, would take him fishing all the time. But they hadn’t spoken since Liam moved out and chose to be with Lily. It was a cold reminder of what he’d done, not just to me, but my entire family.

Since I couldn’t think of anything to say, I didn’t say anything at all.

Nathan stared at the tabletop, his eyes heavy and lifeless. “I guess I deserved that…”

* * *

I wasn’t surprised when my mom called me the next day. She called the second I walked out of the building, knowing exactly when I got off work and was free to talk. I knew this conversation was coming, so I didn’t bother sighing before I answered the phone. “Hey, Mom.”

She didn’t greet me with normal pleasantries. Normally, she asked how work was going or if I had any fun plans for the evening. It was always easy talk, subjects that didn’t make anyone uncomfortable. But the mama bear inside her came out, claws and teeth showing. “Hey, sweetheart. Your father and I were very surprised when we saw you with Nathan last night.” Without asking a single question, she interrogated me. It was a talent every single mom possessed.

“Yeah, I know.”

“I was hoping you were dating that nice young man, Ryker.” Another loaded question.

“I was…I still am.”

“If you’re seeing Ryker, then why were you having dinner with Nathan?” she pressed.

“I’m kinda dating both of them.”

My mom knew I wasn’t a two-timer. “And they’re okay with that?”

“Yeah, I’m supposed to pick the guy I like most in a few weeks.” I totally sounded like a slut, but whatever.

Mom paused for a long time before she spoke. “You know I’ve never given you any direction when it comes to your love life. Your father and I always mind our own business. But this is something we can’t be quiet about. After what Nathan did to you…to us…we don’t want him anywhere near you.”

“I know…”

“Why on earth would you date him again?”

I’d been getting that question a lot. “I don’t know… I still love him.”

“Well, he obviously didn’t love you,” she snapped. “That man hurt all of us. He’s not good enough for you, Austen. No man is perfect, but some men are more flawed than others. Nathan doesn’t deserve a second chance. Your father and I can’t watch you go through that again.”

“I know…”

“So you really need to think about what you’re doing.”

I hated being bossed around by my mother. Every daughter did. But in this case, she had every right to say this to me. When I hurt, so did she. When Nathan broke my heart, he broke her heart too. She wanted me to end up with someone great, someone who would take care of me for the rest of my life. But Nathan broke their trust as well as mine. “I know.”

“I’m sorry to be so harsh. It’s just…your father is never going to get over what happened. Neither will I.”

“I forgave him. It wasn’t easy, but I did. When he apologized, he seemed sincere. I couldn’t live the rest of my life being so angry. I kept it built up inside and let it control my life. I was lost for so long…I needed to let it go.”

My mom sighed into the phone. “Forgiveness is good. We should always forgive and forget. But we should also learn from our mistakes, learn from our pain. Nathan did something terrible. I don’t think he’s a horrible human being, but he’s definitely not good enough for you. You can’t spend the rest of your life with a man who would ever cross a line like that.”

I bowed my head and stood off to the side of the sidewalk. People passed as they headed home from work, looking down at their phones or speeding down the pavement on their way to the gym or the bar.

“Are you still there, Austen?”

“Yeah, Mom.” I was surprised Liam hadn’t already told them I was talking to Nathan again. My brother could be a jerk that didn’t know when to back off, but I appreciated that he wasn’t a rat. He never tattled on me, even when we were little. That was something I always appreciated.

“I always told myself I wouldn’t be one of those mothers. You know, the kind that bosses their grown daughter around. I hate talking to you like this, giving you my opinion about such an important decision. But I love you. I just want the best for you.”

How could I be mad when she only had good intentions? “I know, Mom. I understand. I’d probably be the same way if I had a kid.”

“You’ve always been so mature. Not sure what I did to get two great kids.”

“You raised us right. That’s how.”

Mom lightened up at the compliment. “Thanks, honey. I hope you really think this through. Of course, your father and I will respect whatever decision you make. I just hope you make the right one.”