Chapter Three

Garrett

Where in the living fuck was I?

I leaned forward and stared through the windshield yet again at the dark road ahead of me. I really hoped that this wasn't the beginning of me never being able to figure out where I was when trying to get to Silver Lake. It has been almost two months since my solo trip to find a house and now Jason and I were on our way to settle into our new home. I glanced at my phone again, hoping that the GPS had suddenly sprung into action and was going to redirect me to a better path, but it seemed just as confused as I was. I looked to the side and saw that Jason was still sleeping. He had crossed his arms over his chest and buried his head in a pillow shortly after we had gotten in the car, almost as though being unconscious was his protest to the move. I knew that he wasn't going to take the news of our transfer very well, but he had been even more brooding and sullen than I had expected in the days since we had started preparing. Now though, he seemed quiet and peaceful. His face had relaxed from its seemingly permanent scowl and suddenly he looked so young again.

I hoped that I was doing the right thing for my son and for myself. Though it hadn't seemed like it at the time, now that I looked back on the decision to move, it seemed hasty. I hoped that it had really been the best decision and what was going to give both of us the better life that I had been thinking about. I thought about the trouble that Jason had been getting into recently and the issues that he had been dealing with that led me to make the decision to leave the town where he had grown up and start again in Silver Lake. My son was only a sophomore in high school, but over the last several months I had seen things developing in him that reminded me too much of myself when I was younger. Though I had eventually gotten back to a good place in life, I knew that there had been no guarantee that it would have worked out for me. I didn't want to think that Jason could end up on the wrong path and never have the chance to find his way back.

The reality is that Jason himself was the result of my crazy, wild teenage years. It was because of that, that I often thought of my son as the one who had saved me. It was finding out that my girlfriend at the time was pregnant that had pushed me into joining the military after a prompt marriage. It was there that I learned discipline and respect. It was there that I learned to see myself as more than the product of my own parents' disastrous union. But it was also there that only further confirmed to me that life very rarely unfolds the way that it is planned. Now I was no longer in the military, my experience there had led me into a fire-fighting career that had brought me to this place, to the position of fire chief for Silver Lake, and the opportunity to give my son the type of life that I hadn't been able to have for myself. That didn't matter, though. If this worked out and I was able to save him, it would be worth it. There was nothing that I wouldn't sacrifice for the good of saving my son.

A few minutes later I started to recognize things again. We had made it into Silver Lake and I was relieved to see that the town seemed more awake and alive than it had the last time that I was here. I chalked up the desolate streets and sleeping homes to the fact that I had been traveling so close to Thanksgiving during my last visit and reassured myself that while this town was far from bustling, it would at least offer something for both of us. For me, Silver Lake was a chance to continue my career and be the father that I didn't have. For Jason, this new town offered a fresh start where people didn't know him or the reputation that he had built, and also gave him a chance to pursue the one great love I had ever seen him have. The baseball team at the local high school was known for being one of the best in the area, and it had been telling him about that team that had finally convinced Jason to stop resisting the move and if not agree to enthusiastically, at least to resign himself to it.

As we traveled further into the town, my mind wandered to the last time that I was here and the woman I had met. She had called herself Debbie. Even if I didn't know for certain that that wasn't her actual name because she had been the one to craft the concept of keeping up appearances by coming up with fake names and backstories, I wouldn't have wanted to call her Debbie. She just didn't look like a Debbie. Not that I really knew what a Debbie should look like or what type of name would fit her. My heart rate increased some just thinking about her. My hands on her skin. My lips on hers. My body enveloped by hers. I remembered the morning after our night together, looking out of the glass door of the hotel lobby as I checked out and catching sight of her. She walked up to my car, opened it, and tucked my jacket back inside. I didn't know why she had it, but when I got into the car ten minutes later, I had picked it up and was still able to catch the light scent of her on the fabric.

Beside me, Jason groaned and shifted around. Finally, he sat up and looked through his window first and then through the windshield.

"Are we there?" he asked.

"Almost," I told him. "We are in the middle of the town now. Our house is just a few minutes away."

Our house.

I almost wanted to say it again. Jason and I had spent the years that we had been alone together living in a series of apartments and condos. While they had gotten progressively bigger and nicer over time, I hadn't let myself dream about one day actually having a house of our own. The stability of it had seemed out of reach, and even as my career became more successful and small investments that I had made began to pay off, giving me the ability to buy a house, something inside me had made me hesitate. Now I felt like I understood why. We would need to leave, and I didn't want the ties keeping me, and Jason, in a place that wasn't right for us. Though it was a risk and I felt like I was taking a blind leap, I had had to make the decision that I couldn't hesitate anymore. Silver Lake was our new beginning and buying a house here was the strongest way I could think of to establish ourselves and ensure that we were moving forward.

"You're really going to like it here," I said.

He glanced over at me and seem to struggle to withhold rolling his eyes.

"I doubt it," he said. "It looks like there isn't very much to do."

"I'm sure that there's plenty to do," I told him. "You're going to be starting at your new school in a couple of days and tryouts for the baseball team are soon. Hopefully, you're not going to have a lot of time to be looking for other things to do."

I meant it both as a way to encourage him to be more open to our new home and as a warning. I didn't take this move or the tremendous change that it represented in our lives lightly, and I didn't want to think that he did either. I wanted him to know that I wanted him to live up to my expectations.

"I know," he said. "We've been over this."

I started to say something to him about his attitude but decided to let it go this time. I remembered being his age and how much upheaval even seemingly small changes could cause. He had just been taken away from the only town he was old enough to remember living in, his school, his friends, essentially everything that he knew. I couldn't really expect an already rebellious teenager to be readily receptive to the situation. I could cut him a little slack now and give him a chance to settle in. Besides, if I was being completely honest with myself, I didn't know if even I was entirely convinced. No matter how hopeful and optimistic I tried to be, there was a part of me that still said this might not work out the way that I wanted it to. It was entirely possible that uprooting Jason was going to be the catalyst for him completely falling apart. In my efforts to help my son get back on track and live a better life, could I actually be pushing him over the edge?

"Are you hungry?"

"Yeah," he said. "What time is it anyway? It seems like we should be there by now."

I nodded.

"I got a little bit turned around," I admitted. "It seems the GPS doesn't like to work this far out. But it's actually not as late as it seems. It's just darker out here because there aren't as many lights as there are closer to the city."

"Would it be overdramatic if I pointed out that you have literally taken the light out of my life?" he asked.

I looked over at him and saw that there was a slight shimmer of humor in his eyes and I laughed, nodding.

"That would be very overdramatic," I said. "I think that you will learn to survive on less electrical light. I promise that Silver Lake has sunlight. There's even a moon and stars."

"The moon doesn't actually produce any of its own light, Dad."

"Hey, look at you, showing off your science mastery."

"Yeah. I'm a science wizard. I am also aware that despite popular belief, the moon is not, in fact, made out of cheese."

I laughed again. It was good to hear my son sound like the Jason I used to know before something changed and the fog so common in teenage years settled over him. That was the son I wanted back, the son who I wanted to give a better chance. Getting even that small glimpse of him was enough to motivate me even more. I noticed a building with a neon sign up ahead and pointed at it.

"Well, would you look at that? Neon. Your lifeforce."

"It's a pizza shop! Now that is my lifeforce."

Buoyed by the appearance of the still-open pizza store, I turned into the parking lot and we headed inside. Jason wanted to stay there and eat, but I was eager to get into our new house and ordered the pizza to go. Soon, classic white pizza box in hand, we got back into the car and headed on our way again. Jason clutched the pizza tightly on his lap as if ready to defend it to the death. He didn't take his eyes away from the windshield again until we had pulled up into the driveway of a white two-story house and I turned off the car.

"This is it," I said.

He leaned over to glance through my window at the house. I waited for some type of response, but he didn't seem to have much of a reaction.

"Really?" he finally said.

What the hell kind of reaction is that?

I looked at the house and the porch light that I had purposely turned on and left burning when I found the house during the last visit. The finalities of the purchase were coming the next day, but this was our house. Our new home.

"Yes, really," I said, feeling defensive.

After a few seconds, Jason nodded.

"Which one is my room?"

That sounds almost optimistic.

"Why don't we go inside and you can find out?"

We got out and climbed the steps toward the front door. The worn welcome mat that had been on the porch when I first saw the house was still sitting there. It made me wonder about the people who had lived there before I bought it. They had been gone for quite some time, as the house had been sitting on the market for more than two years, by the time that I chose it. Even though the last owners of the house had nothing to do with me, the fact that they had been here in Silver Lake brought questions to my mind as to why they had chosen to leave. It was this defensiveness, that had haunted me for my entire life, and that I was struggling to put behind me.

I opened the door and we stepped into the entryway. There was a faint smell of cleaner hanging in the air and I wondered if the real estate agent who had sold the house to me had hired a team to come in and clean it in preparation of our arrival. I knew that it was probably more likely that she had come in here herself and cleaned up, getting rid of the slight mustiness and dust that had filled the space when she had first opened the house for me. She had apologized profusely for that, telling me that no one had shown any interest in the house for more than a year. I hadn't minded. I liked that the house had been closed up for so long. The stillness was reassuring.

Jason followed me into the house and looked around, taking in the living room to one side and dining room to the other. Ahead of us was the staircase, sitting in front of the hallway that led down to the eat-in kitchen and two bedrooms. Upstairs were three more bedrooms. It was far more space than either of us had before, and I looked forward to figuring out ways to use it all. I knew that one of the bedrooms would be my gym, holding my weights and treadmill so that I could keep in shape at home rather than always relying on the equipment at the firehouse. The three bedrooms upstairs had already been designated and I waited for Jason to run upstairs and find the one that I had chosen for him. I had arranged for a new bed to be delivered to trade up from the tiny twin he had been in for years and decked it out in the burgundy and gray that he had pointed out to me. Sitting in the middle of the bed was a new bat and batting gloves. The room positioned in between ours would be an office where he could do his homework and I could keep up with all of those fun aspects of being an adult that I had to take on by myself when my ex-wife left. Paying bills and keeping records wasn't my favorite Saturday afternoon activity, but at least with the new job and the lower cost of living here in Silver Lake it would be even easier to handle and I could grow the college savings I had been secretly keeping for Jason for the last several years.

I was spreading the pizza and cans of soda on the floor in the dining room and wishing that I had arranged for the moving truck to show up today rather than tomorrow when I heard Jason's heavy footsteps coming down the steps.

At least I knew it was going to be harder for him to sneak out.

"What do you think?" I asked.

"It's bigger than my old room," he said.

It wasn't a rousing endorsement, but I'd take it. Jason dropped down onto the floor across from me and reached for a slice of pizza. Silence fell between us, but it was a comfortable silence. It was a silence that held the feeling that we were in this together, that maybe this truly was what was best for both of us.

That night I stayed up well after I had pried Jason away from his computer and confiscated his phone, forcing him into the teenage limbo of having nothing to do but either sit up and sulk or actually go to sleep. I roamed through our new house feeling on edge. I had hoped that the house would already feel like home, as though the very act of us moving into it would somehow soften all of the edges of the newness and unfamiliarity and create a sense of calm and security. Instead the quiet around us and near-emptiness of the rooms was only a reminder of how strange and different this was. It only emphasized that this was it, this was our life now, and there was no turning back. It almost felt like the house was testing me, as though it knew who I was and was daring me to overcome all that had happened to me in the past to create a more worthwhile life here in Silver Lake.

I hadn't bothered to order myself a new bed along with Jason's, and the one from the old house was still on the moving truck that wouldn't arrive until the next day. This meant that I spent my first night in my new home camping out in the sleeping bag that I had shoved into the trunk of the car with barely enough room to spare. The hardwood floor was one of the most heavily emphasized features of the home when I toured it, and even though it was attractive, at that moment all I cared about was that it was hard and cold enough to make my back ache within a few minutes of laying down. I wished that I had a sexy little distraction to keep me warm through the night. I had thought of Debbie frequently in the last several weeks, but now I couldn't get her off my mind. Being back here only made those thoughts closer and clearer. A big part of me wanted to get in the car and drive back out to the bar, just to see if she was there. Another part of me though, the logical, more responsible, and sometimes unbearably obnoxious part of me, told me that I couldn't just leave Jason at the house, so I could go chasing the sexy woman that had literally fallen into my arms. Even if I could figure out a way to justify it, chances were she wouldn't be there.

Would I even want her to be?

That was a question I wasn't sure how to answer. The whole point of making up a name for her was because I had no intention of ever seeing her again. I didn't want even the slightest link to her. Now I couldn't stop thinking about her.