Tinley: I found my phone!
Matthew: Congratulations. I didn’t know that it was missing.
Tinley: I felt so disconnected from the world.
Matthew: There’s always television, and I have a radio in the gym.
Tinley: I can’t figure out how to work the remote.
Matthew: Okay, hit the TV button, not the power button.
Tinley: It worked! I promise that I am not an idiot.
Tinley: How’s it going?
Matthew: One of the actors showed up drunk.
Matthew: They won’t let us leave until he shoots his scene. I’ve been sitting in my trailer for two hours.
Tinley: Frustrating.
Matthew: Tell me something good.
Tinley: I met your neighbors.
Matthew: I live on the side of a mountain. The closest house has to be ten miles away.
Tinley: The Melby’s. You need to meet them. Charles, he taught me how to throw an axe.
Matthew: You threw an axe? Damn, I would have given anything to witness that.
Tinley: And I drank a beer.
Matthew: What? I am missing all the fun.
Matthew: I gotta go. The director wants to shoot a different scene. It’s about fucking time.
Tinley: Have fun.
Matthew: Unlikely. The only fun I can think of is being naked with you.
Tinley: You know what I hate?
Matthew: I can’t see you hating too many things.
Matthew: I’ll give it a shot though.
Matthew: Eating leftovers.
Tinley: Hate is strong feeling for leftovers. More like, I prefer not to eat leftovers.
Tinley: The hate list is special.
Tinley: I created a Pinterest board of things that I hate. It was merely just for me to attach snarky comments. It backfired on me because Pinterest started recommending more of the things I hated. The whole thing ended in a mess of flavored Clearly Canadian, felt accessories, denim on denim outfits, wicker furniture, and turkey bacon.
Matthew: Turkey bacon is the worst. It’s not real bacon.
Tinley: Thank you!
Matthew: Things that you hate . . . go.
Tinley: I hate mommy baking bloggers. I get sucked into making this “super delish and super simple recipe” because she swears by it and it ends up tasting like complete garbage every damn time.
Matthew: A question. Why are you using recipes from a mommy blogger?
Tinley: Kids are genuinely picky eaters. When these blogs say, “My kids beg for it” and “I make it all the time” that must mean that it’s phenomenal. Kids should be trusted when it comes to matters regarding sugar.
Matthew: At least when it comes to taste.
Tinley: Exactly. This pumpkin bread is overloaded with nutmeg it’s so bitter.
Tinley: There is no way a child would want to eat this all time or at all.
Tinley: Another thing I hate about these blogs is that I have to scroll down through a story leading up to the recipe. Like the dumbass thing their hubby did that doesn’t relate to the recipe just something that happened the same day. Even worse, the interjection about something cute their kid said.
Tinley: Then, 64 month-old Halcyon came into the kitchen and asked for the fifth time (for those of you keeping count) if I knew that I was the best mommy in the whole world. Here’s a picture of Halcyon making her own mini blueberry loaf. We bought this vintage baking set from a small shop while were vacationing in Vermont. (Link to that story, and my apple cider recipe here.)
Matthew: Okay, seriously the name Halcyon. I cannot stop laughing.
Matthew: In Greek mythology, Halcyon is a mythical bird who could calm the seas.
Tinley: I know.
Matthew: How?
Tinley: A few summers ago, I had an art exhibit featuring The Queens and Princesses of Greek Mythology. I went down a rabbit hole studying all things Greek and Roman mythology.
Matthew: Sounds Intriguing.
Tinley: Some of it is. Other parts are really boring.
Tinley: And in other news, you need more flour, eggs, and sugar.
Matthew: Noted.
Tinley: A bag of baking essentials arrived.
Tinley: Your assistant, Wade, is nice.
Matthew: He’s good at his job, too.
Tinley: There was also a recipe from the Smitten Kitchen for Pumpkin Bread.
Matthew: Good. My mom swears by this website.
Tinley: I’m already pinning tons of recipes.
Tinley: Thank you.
Matthew: My pleasure, darlin’.
Matthew: You know Wile E. Coyote is one of the most tragic characters in history.
Tinley: How so?
Matthew: He lives in the desert with a mindless bird. He’s forever doomed to chase this bird.
Matthew: Wile is a coyote, coyotes are faster than roadrunners, yet he never catches him.
Matthew: He is a skilled architect and yet, succumbed to trying to catch this fucking bird.
Matthew: Not only that, but he knows the contraptions from ACME should work, which by the way ACME aka Amazon Prime. Think about it.
Matthew: He is a genius, yet the laws of physics thwart his plans always. ACME fucks with him, and this genius coyote fails at survival of the fittest. He never stops chasing this damn bird, risking life and limb. He can’t stop no matter how much it hurts him.
Tinley: Wile E. Coyote is an addict? It’s horrible.
Matthew: Trapped in his own personal hell.
Tinley: And I totally agree with you about ACME being Amazon Prime. That’s some epiphany.
Tinley: But, with all that money he used to buy ACME products why not just buy food?
Matthew: I’m going with the theory that Wile was a beta tester for the company.
Tinley: That would explain why they failed time and time again. Poor Wile.
Matthew: To which, I say, fuck that bird.
Tinley: I think I just got sentimental over a cartoon coyote.
Matthew: Do you want to hear my theory on Tom and Jerry?
Matthew: I take it you did not want to hear my theory on Tom and Jerry.
Matthew: Tinley?
Matthew: Well, the guy finally sobered up long enough to get a few takes of the scene.
Matthew: It wasn’t pretty.
Matthew: I’m done for the day. Be home in a few.
Matthew: Now, I’m worried something has happened to you.
Tinley: Nothing happened to me, but Ella is missing.
Matthew: What do you mean missing?
Tinley: As in someone took her the night of Holliday’s party. She’s been missing for nearly forty-eight hours. You know what that means.
Once I climbed inside my Range Rover, I called Tinley.
“Tinley, babe, you need to breathe.”
“I’m trying, but my friends are hurting and I’m out here playing the baking housewife instead of being there for them in a crisis.”
“They’re my friends too,” I reminded. “And I know you’re upset, but there’s no need for you to say things like that.”
“You’re right and I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it. But, my God, Matthew what if Ella”—she choked out a sob—“What if . . .”
I maneuvered up the mountainside, maintaining the speed limit despite everything inside me wanting to hit the gas to get to Tinley. “Let’s not think about ‘what ifs,’ let’s think positively. When I get home, I’ll call Ronan.”
“Okay, but I want to leave, right away.”
My heart clenched in my chest. “I won’t be able to leave with you. There’s no way the director will let me go unless it’s a direct family emergency.”
“Some things are beyond our control,” she murmured. “And more often than not we find ourselves succumbing to bad timing.”
There was something telling in the tone of her voice that pushed dread into the pit of my stomach.