Fifteen
Abby paced back and forth in her office. It felt as if hours had passed, but she knew that wasn’t true. She couldn’t see the clock or hear any noise. Her curt order to her assistant to hold all of her calls and visitors—something she’d apologize for later—probably said enough for the people outside her door to scurry away.
She wasn’t one to close the door and demand peace. When she did, people knew it meant something. Since the gossip about her love life and dating Spence swirled around the office, some might even figure out the source of her frustration.
The chill refused to leave her bones. She had no idea how it was possible to feel hot and ice-cold at the same time, but there she was. The pain in her stomach and her head. Both thumped, demanding attention.
She didn’t even hear the door open. She turned, thinking to go in search of something for the headache, and ran right into Spence’s broad chest. He reached for her arms and held her, more to keep her from falling than anything else. This wasn’t a hug. There was nothing intimate about it. More of a safety-first sort of thing.
He steadied her then reached back to close the door. There, that would stop the gossip. Abby almost rolled hers eyes at the novice move.
“What are you doing here?” She thought for sure he’d hide in Derrick’s office all day. If he had a home, he might go there but he didn’t. And that bothered her, too.
All of her confusion and questions balled up together. He’d left the last time. There was nothing stopping him from going again. His reaction to the baby had been almost perfect. Sure, he wavered a bit at first but so did she. But she sensed he was waiting to see if this whole visit-home-to-Derrick thing worked out.
His hands dropped to his sides as he looked down at her. “This time you ran.”
She searched his face for any sign that they were going to be okay. Not that she wanted a handwritten agreement signed in blood. She didn’t even require some sort of long-term commitment, though her heart begged for one. But everything about him, from the fact he lived out of a bag to his office that still looked like no one had been assigned there, showed that he lived his life in a temporary fashion. She didn’t know why the Jeff Berger situation drove that point home, but it did.
Now what?
“I needed space,” she said, knowing it sounded trite and was only half-correct.
He nodded. “I get it.”
That just made the confusion inside her spin faster. “Do you?”
When he frowned at her, she decided to take hold of the conversation. That might be the only way to get through this. Then she could go home and curl up on the couch and forget everything about the last few weeks. Go back to building emotional walls and burying herself in projects in the office.
“Why haven’t you started any new projects at work?” It was so simple that she wondered why she hadn’t seen it before.
His eyes widened. “What?”
The response was fair. She hadn’t exactly built up to it, but the topic was not going away. It had taken hold in her head and she had to ride it out now. “You’re the head of new acquisitions. I think that’s the fancy title, right? But I haven’t seen you do one lick of work on anything but projects already in progress.”
His hands went to his hips and a look of pure disbelief crossed his face. He looked ten seconds from exploding. “You’re giving me a work evaluation?”
She couldn’t tell if he was stalling while his mind came up with a snappy answer or if he really didn’t understand how he came off to the world. “You’re great at the job. I doubt you even realize how good you are. It’s a natural skill for you. People listen to you. You’re organized. You can get things moving and straightened out. You’ve been the perfect closer.”
He shook his head. “What does any of this have to do with Jeff Berger?”
Nothing, everything. She wasn’t sure how to explain how it all came together in her head, so she didn’t even try.
She moved away from him, slipped behind her desk. Stood with her hands on the back of her chair. It provided a wall of sorts, a shield for what she feared was to come. “This issue is so much bigger than him.”
He threw his hands up. “Fill me in because I’m lost.”
But that tone. He wasn’t engaged and listening, wanting to get it. That tone was defensive. It was the one he used as he prepared for verbal battle. She’d heard it before. He used it on business associates and on her.
It meant he was already closing a door. She could almost feel it slam shut on her.
“You’re a good closer because what’s required of that job is wrapping up and moving on. Your specialty area.” It seemed so clear to her now. No wonder he volunteered to handle those tasks for Derrick while Ellie was on bed rest.
“We’re back to talking about my dad and what happened back then?” Spence rested his palms against her desk. Leaned down and faced off with her right over her desk. “Are you kidding me? I thought we moved forward.”
“When?”
“Isn’t that what the sex was about?”
The walls shook from the force of his voice. She glanced at the door, happy that it was closed. But people walking by had to know a fight waged in her office.
Let them listen.
She struggled to keep her voice calm. Did not let him see that the sex comment slashed through her. “Have we ever dealt with the underlying issue?”
“That you’re afraid of commitment.”
Her mouth dropped open. She felt it go. “Me?”
He pushed off the desk and stood up straight again. “You are so sure people are going to leave you.”
The comment hit its mark. She felt it right to the center of her chest. But he was missing a very important piece of this puzzle. “You did leave me.”
“I messed up, Abby. I am sorry.” He turned away from her for a second and wiped a hand through his hair. When he looked at her again, his eyes were wild. It was as if the warring inside him was tearing him apart. “I will say it to you however many times it takes to make it better for you. Just tell me.”
It was so tempting to drop the subject. Go to him, hug it out. Pretend that this subject and the worry wouldn’t haunt her nights...but it would.
“Promise me you won’t do it again.” It was an impossible request. So unfair of her, and she knew that. She just didn’t know how else to say what she needed.
She’d spent a lifetime losing the people she loved. She closed the circle, only let a few in. But the point was she had let him in. Now she worried he was clawing against the walls to get out again.
“I...what are you talking about?” His voice came out as a ragged whisper.
“Jeff’s stuff was another hole you could slip through. An excuse you could use to go.”
Spence shook his head. His voice carried a pleading tone now. “I didn’t. I stood in that office and defended you.”
“You wanted to know why I didn’t tell you about Jeff and his threats.” The words stuck in her throat but she pushed them out. She’d only just figured out half of this herself, and it sucked to dump it on him. But it was about him. “In part, I wanted to handle it. Not give Derrick another burden. Back then, not give him a reason to doubt me because he was my boss and you were gone.”
“Sure, that makes sense.”
“This time, I kept it quiet so you wouldn’t have a reason to doubt me.”
His shoulders fell, as if the will had run right out of him. “You are confusing all of these things. They aren’t related to each other.”
“I can’t wait around for you to leave me again.” She almost sobbed when she said it, but there it was. The real fear. The one that spun around inside her, getting bigger, grabbing on to everything. It tainted the good times and made the idea of being pregnant almost impossible to bear.
His eyes looked empty now. The voice, the way he stood there, as if his muscles had stopped working. It all suggested that he was lost. She would do anything to lead him back to her, but he had to help her. He needed to recognize that this was an issue and fight with her.
“How about trusting me enough to know I’m going to stay.”
The words pummeled her. “Trust is earned.”
“You’re saying I don’t deserve it.” It wasn’t a question. He said it as a statement of fact.
That’s not how she meant it. She did not see him as a lost cause. He was smart and funny, charming and sexy. He had a bone-deep loyalty, because that is why he came back to help Derrick. Not out of curiosity.
He was her everything and could be all she ever wanted. When she looked at him she knew she’d love him forever.
That realization had her pressing her hand against her chest. “I haven’t seen many clues that you intend to put down roots. No house. No new work.”
He made a strangled sound. “You and the baby. The maybe baby.”
All the hope ran out of her then. She leaned harder against the chair to keep from falling to the floor. “That’s exactly the wrong answer.”
“Why?”
“I need you to stay because you want to, not because you have to.” It was just that simple. After a lifetime of settling for limited friendships and not going too deep, she wanted it all. “Until you make a decision about that, you need to stay away.”
“Abby.” He reached for her.
She was already moving. She held open the door, knowing he would go. He should. The things he needed to decide had to be done without her. All she could do was hope he’d come back. “The choice is yours.”
* * *
Later that night, after ignoring a series of Jameson-related calls and Jackson’s knock at the door, Abby sat on her couch. She’d put on her sweatpants and curled up in the corner. The move usually made her feel better, but not this time.
She wasn’t alone, but she didn’t blame the company. It was hard to get angry with a pregnant woman who refused to leave the hallway until Abby let her in. Stubbornness ran deep in Ellie.
“Are you supposed to be out of bed?” Abby asked for the third time.
Ellie didn’t take the hint. She leaned into the cushions and rubbed her nonexistent belly. “This sounded like an emergency.”
Not that Abby had thrown up the white flag. She’d purposely not bothered Ellie because she didn’t want to upset her. She also didn’t want Ellie getting together with another Jameson and ganging up on Spence. He needed to come to whatever conclusion he came to on his own.
Just thinking about that sent a new wave of sadness crashing through Abby. Spence was the type who did better with a little guidance. He was someone her grandmother would say needed a good woman. Abby really wanted to be that.
Since she didn’t squeal, Abby knew that left a few suspects. “Derrick told you about what happened in the office.”
Abby was pretty sure her fight with Spence had already made the rounds at the company. They hadn’t been quiet. And the look on his face as he walked out of her office. She felt like she’d kicked a puppy.
“Derrick and Carter told Jackson, who called me. Then Derrick texted. Carter came by the house.” Ellie cited the list in a singsongy voice. “Honestly, it was this weird chain of communication from Jameson men.”
Abby noticed one name was missing. “Not all of them.”
“No, Spence is likely afraid of me right now, which is not a bad thing.”
Ellie’s smile was almost chilling. Abby hated to think what that meant. “What did you do?”
“Told him to stop being a—” Ellie’s voice cut off as she waved a hand in the air. “That’s enough about him. How are you?”
Nice try. “A mess.”
Ellie put a pillow in front of her and held on to it like a life jacket. “I can see that.”
“Thanks.” She owned a mirror. She knew.
“But the look is familiar. I had it when I thought Derrick and I were over.”
Abby still couldn’t believe that happened. “You two are so obviously perfect for each other.”
Ellie snorted. “So, you can see it in others just not in your own life.”
They’d circled right back to Spence. No surprise there. Abby was impressed with how quickly Ellie managed it. “You’re lucky you’re pregnant.”
“Spill.” Ellie threw the pillow to the side and shifted so that she sat sideways on the couch, facing Abby. “Now. I have a ticking clock here. Jackson brought me over. Once Derrick figures that out, he’ll yell this building down.”
Rather than debate about where she should be, Abby dove in. What was the harm in reliving this disaster one more time? “You heard about Jeff Berger.”
Ellie nodded. “Yep, unfortunately. And if I never hear his name again, I’ll be thrilled.”
“Same here.” Some of the energy ran out of Abby there. She’d been holding it together, but only by a thread. When she looked at Ellie’s face now, she wanted to just get the rest out. “He’s a runner, Ellie.”
Ellie frowned. “This Berger guy?”
“You know who I’m talking about. He hasn’t settled in. He’s living out of your house and mine. His workload is a mix of odds and ends, other people’s stuff.” Abby cut off the list before it got so long that it strangled the last little bit of hope inside her. “You know he could pick up again.”
“You’re jumping around. First, this Berger guy. Now the running thing.”
“It’s all part of the same problem.” At least it was in Abby’s head. “He’s looking for reasons to go. I tie him here. Other things tie him here. But does he really want to be here? I just feel like he’s hiding things.”
Ellie made a humming sound. “Like you did when you withheld the details of this Berger guy’s threats.”
Okay...well...that was an annoying comparison. “It’s not the same thing.”
“Sure it is. It’s all about trust. Neither of you have moved past what happened before and forgiven each other.”
Abby got stuck on the “neither” part. “What did I do?”
“Oh, most of the blame goes to Spence and his father. But how much of a fight did you put up?” Ellie’s eyebrow lifted. “I’m betting you assumed Spence would leave, because your life is easier when you don’t connect with people all that much. Then he confirmed your worst fears. Rather than yelling at him like he deserved, you retreated.”
That was ridiculous...wasn’t it? “I don’t retreat.”
Ellie let out an annoying snort. A pretty loud one, too. “Do you love him?”
Abby didn’t stall or gloss over the question. She hit it head-on. “More than anything.”
It felt weird to say the words. To hear them out there. She did love him. Like, couldn’t-think-straight love him.
“Then let him in and insist he do the same with you.” Ellie smiled as if she’d solved all the world’s problems. “As an objective observer, neither of you is going anywhere.”
“I’m not.” Abby was hoping he wasn’t. Which meant only one thing. Ellie was right. “You sort of make some sense. Kind of.”
“That must have hurt to admit.”
Abby made a face. “A little.”
“Good.” When Abby started to say something, Ellie held up her hand. “I mean it’s good because the rest of the family is exhausted by the inability of both of you otherwise very smart people to figure this out.”
This was the lecture Abby never expected to hear, but it made her feel better. She’d been blaming him and waiting for him to step up. Maybe she needed to make it clear that she could take a step, too. “Nice delivery.”
Ellie’s demeanor changed. She grew serious as she reached out and grabbed Abby’s hand. “Trust him, Abby. Then maybe leave a little room to trust yourself.”
Abby realized that for a person who didn’t have many friends, she sure did pick the right ones. “Thanks.”
Ellie gave Abby’s hand another squeeze before she let go. “Before you do anything, do you think we can convince Jackson to get us some food?”
“It is one of his many skills.”
“Good man.”